Relationships and Marriage

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.  Wendy enjoys working with couples, parents, adolescents, teens and individuals.

Relationships hurt sometimes. For many of us this can be a very isolating experience. When we are feeling disconnected from a spouse, a child, or a friend, there may not be too many people to share the pain with. May I suggest a few places to turn when you are hurting in a relationship?
 
The first place that I would suggest you turn is to God. He loves you, cares about you and sees what you are going through. He also has amazing wisdom to impart that can bring clarity and maturity to relational conflicts. As it says in Proverbs 2: 6 & 8, “For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding…for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.” When we search the scriptures for encouragement, it is there for us. “And let us not get tired of doing what is right, for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t get discouraged and give up.” Galatians 6:9. Another helpful verse to remind me of my responsibility towards others comes from 1 Peter 3:8 & 9, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” Regular reading of God’s word and seeking him in prayer provides insight and guidance in how we are to respond to others in challenging situations.
 
Next, I would encourage you to examine yourself in the conflict. What might you be contributing to the problem that you need to take responsibility for? When we have humility to understand how our words and actions impact the other person, we are on our way to having empathy and a respectful conversation with the other person.
 
It is important to reach out for some honest communication with the person you have been hurt by. No one can read minds, and it is likely there are assumptions and miscommunications involved in the situation. Let the other person know you are hurting and desire to talk through perceptions on each side. This must not be done on texts. There is too much potential for tone to be misinterpreted on texts. Make it a phone call or a conversation in person. It takes courage, but if you want to keep long lasting relationships, you need to have hard conversations from time to time. It reflects honesty, builds trust, and lets the other person know you value them staying in your life.
 
I would also encourage you to seek the help and support of a relationship therapist. They are trained to listen carefully to your distress and process it with you objectively. It provides you the opportunity to explain how you are experiencing the hurt and allows for a conversation with the therapist seeking to understand your perspective. That process alone can bring insight to you, the client, of what you are believing about the other person and yourself. It is a safe setting to share all your thoughts and feelings without the concern of being judged or criticized. They might ask questions to help you better understand your own feelings and how you want to approach it with the other person.

If you are really struggling in a relationship, please do not leave counseling as a last resort. Seek out the opportunity to express all your feelings in a safe space with a caring therapist. Then you can begin a productive path towards healing in the relationship and feel more at peace.

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

We need to talk about a poison that has swept our country and is ruining lives. I am not talking about opiates or weed shops on every corner. I am talking about porn. Young men and women are exposed to porn as a matter of coming of age in our society. It is so easily accessible on their phones and laptops. It is dropped in front of them even if initially they weren’t looking for it. It is shared between friends as a cool thing to look at. In short, it is almost inescapable, especially for boys, starting around middle school. This has led to a mentality of “everyone is doing it” which helps rationalize the guilt of continuing the habit of looking at porn.
 
It shows up in my counseling office as a problem for men 10 to 15 years later when their wives discover they are addicted to porn. The husbands are either too ashamed to tell their girlfriend or fiancée before marriage, or they don’t want to have to give it up. Either way, it is becoming all too common for a wife to learn that porn has been part of her husband’s world since he was 12. It has had an impact on their physical intimacy, and the wife resents just learning about it. This discovery devastates her trust because he has hidden something so concerning from her.
 
So, what do we do about it? We, as a society need to stop ignoring this as “boys will be boys” and treat it as the poison it is. Look at the results of a recent report on the subject:
 
"Teens and Pornography," a report issued in 2023 by Common Sense Media. The report was based on a representative national survey of 1,300 teenagers ages 13 to 17. Some of its findings:

• Seventy-three percent of the respondents (75 percent of boys and 70 percent of girls) said they had watched online pornography. The average age they started was 12. Many began younger.

 

• Seven in 10 who admitted they had watched porn intentionally said they had done so in the past week.

 

• Four in 10 said they had watched pornography, including nudity and sexual acts, during the school day. Almost half said they had done so on school-owned devices.

 

• Of those who watched the past week, 80 percent said they had seen “what appears to be rape, choking, or someone in pain.”

 
Parents, schools, school counselors and churches need to become more aware of this problem and take action. If you are dating someone seriously and considering a future with them, the subject of porn viewing needs to be discussed. It is a tragic situation when a man or woman has been exposed to the distortions of porn for over a decade when they enter physical intimacy in marriage. Both deserve better.
 
If you have grown up watching porn and want to do something about it, it is never too late. There are many churches who offer the program “Celebrate Recovery” which is a co-ed recovery program for many issues including porn addiction. There are also many counselors who work with porn addiction including our own Dave Papandrea here at Trinity Family Counseling Center.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

Breakups are not just “hard.” Often, they are excruciatingly painful, even traumatic. But since breakups are such a common life experience – and yep, most people have gone through at least one, if not more – parents or well-meaning friends can minimize the anguish.
 
We have all heard the platitudes. “Everyone goes through breakups.” “You’ll find someone else.” “You’re better off without them.” “It wasn’t meant to be.” When you are reeling from a painful breakup, though, especially if it was unexpected and undesired, those comments may not bring any comfort.
 
With a breakup there can be the sting of rejection or betrayal. There can be so much grief and loss. There can also be confusion and unending questions. You can become preoccupied with searching your memories of the relationship for clues to what went wrong. You may obsess over the options you could pursue. Should you seek more understanding or let things lie? What about social media? Friend groups?
 
Most critically, a painful breakup may put you in a prolonged pit of despair. As time goes by, if you are not bouncing back and are still feeling a lot of pain, you may wonder: Will I ever be OK?
 
Exploring and processing all your feelings about your breakup can be immensely helpful for healing. And not surprisingly, research points to correlations between traits linked to resiliency, such as self-esteem, grit and optimism, and the ability to recover after a breakup. Drawing out these traits within yourself and working to further develop them can help not only with moving forward after a breakup, but also with other hard stuff in life.
 
Many people find therapy supportive in the post-breakup period. A professional counselor can help you process the hurt, tap into resilience, and find the way to be OK.

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Do you know what makes conflict so messy?

We are typically at our worst in the midst of it. The Webster definition of conflict is, “a clashing or sharp disagreement (as between ideas, interests, or purposes).” When we clash with someone over ideas or our interests, we typically are frustrated, impatient, upset, and angry. The words that follow those emotions tend to be rude, harsh, escalating and biased to our perspective.

Dr. John Gottman, the famous couple’s psychologist, researched the four most destructive ways we approach conflict in our relationships. He lists criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down communication) as the four, with contempt being the most toxic. When we speak to our partner with contempt, we act superior to them. We demean them with sarcasm, mocking facial expressions, name calling, etc. It is not pretty.
 
If we want to experience conflict in a healthier way that leads to resolving our differences respectfully, it requires self-control and being open to learning some new approaches. The different styles to resolving conflict (as identified by Gottman) are Fight to Win, Avoid, Yield and Collaborate. Only the collaborative style will result in clearing the air with both parties feeling heard and understood. Synonyms of the word collaborate are “cooperate” and “unite.” When we approach hurt feelings or a misunderstanding with the intention to cooperate and unite with our loved one as we talk through it, it looks a lot different than contempt. It involves a choice to pause our “rightness” and listen to how the other person sees the situation. It involves hearing their hurt and responding with respect for their feelings and not disdain.
 
A key component to this is word choice. As we express our needs or frustration, we can use dramatic or escalating words that guarantee a defensive reaction from the other. Even if we resist swearing or name calling, exaggerations like “you NEVER listen” or “you ALWAYS take her side” will distract the listener. Rather than exclaim, “Here you go FUMING again!” It would be less inflammatory to observe, “You seem upset.”

​If my husband came to me with a complaint and at the same time stabbed me with a sword, how likely am I to pay attention to or care about his complaint? Not at all! I am focused on the pain and shock of him stabbing me! When we use stabbing, hurtful words, it makes it hard to stay calm, cooperative and in problem solving mode.
 
So, the next time you want to BASH someone for being a SELFISH JERK, maybe instead you can tell them calmly you feel frustrated with the way they have been treating you. It will allow them to hear you and hopefully stay open to working on resolving the problem.

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to use words that do not escalate conflict or demean your partner when working to resolve a problem.

by Shelley Kruszewski, LLC, NCC

Shelley Kruszewski is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice and is the newest member of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team.  She has graduated with her Master’s Degree in Counseling from Oakland University.  In addition to her individual case load at Trinity, Shelley also serves as a co-facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group.

Do you ever find yourself asking these questions about your relationship:
 
      Why am I not feeling heard by my partner? 
      Why are disagreements not being resolved? 
      Why is my relationship so confusing? 
 
Have you and your partner tried couples counseling in the past only to find your problems were beyond communicating effectively? Perhaps it is time to consider what type of relationship you are experiencing.

A difficult relationship is one that could include stressors such as health challenges, finances, career changes, blended families, difficult children, personality differences, and more. The difficulties may also stem from cultural, religious, and value systems.  The disagreements often come from what to prioritize, or changes to consider within lifestyle habits. Both parties find it difficult to communicate respectfully with each other, and compromise is hard. There tends to be high conflict, and issues which are often unresolved.

A destructive relationship is one in which there is a lack of mutual effort to maintain or repair relationship wounds.  One partner denies, minimizes, or blames the other for the wounds.  They have “power over” the other, either physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually, or a combination of all of the above. The “under” partner does not feel safe to speak up, set boundaries, or ask for what they want.  If they do speak up, there is a heavy price to pay. Their humanity is attacked while being consistently dismissed, disrespected, and demeaned.

If you are currently in a difficult relationship, couples counseling may be beneficial to navigate through the pressing issues.  An experienced counselor can help you discover where difficulties are rooted, and offer insights as to how to improve your situation. Counseling can be successful for couples if both partners have an ability to show compassion for past ‘hurts’ they caused with each other and take responsibility for the role they played in those situations. It requires both parties to be vulnerable to work on their relationship.

If you are currently in a destructive relationship, individual counseling may be a better choice due to your partner’s lack of mutual effort and compassion.  Individual counseling provides a safe place where you can be heard without fear of retaliation.  A professional counselor can validate your situation, and help you build compassion for yourself.  It requires recognizing your personhood, and working on yourself to become whole.  
 
If you are still unsure about how to move forward in your hurting relationship, consider consulting with a professional counselor to help you make an informed decision.
 
Resource: 
Vernick, L. (2013). The emotionally destructive marriage: How to find your voice and reclaim your hope. WaterBrook Press.  

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

As a counselor, I listen to a lot of conversations between family members. A common theme that blocks people from gaining understanding and a closer connection in their relationship is the “Yeah, but…”.
 
One person tells their loved one something the other person did that upset them. They are seeking understanding from the other person. They are seeking empathy for their frustration. Unfortunately, what they are most often met with is, “yeah, but…”. The listener is immediately focused on defending their behavior and is done listening to the hurt feelings of the speaker.
 
The listener might believe they have a very reasonable explanation why they did something that the other person didn’t like. Unfortunately, two things result:
 

1. The listener doesn’t really hear or gain insight into how their behavior affected their family member.
2. The speaker feels dismissed, invalidated and uncared about.

 
Here is a sample conversation between a husband and a wife:
 
Wife: “Karl, I can’t believe you signed up for a golf league that is on the same night as our daughter’s soccer games!”
 
Karl: “Yeah, but you know I play in a league every year and this league plays at my favorite course.”
 
Wife: “Karl, she is sad when you miss her games, and I hate to go to them alone.”
 
Karl: “Are you kidding me? You’re up in the stands chatting with all the other moms.”
 
When attempts for understanding are repeatedly ignored and met with a “yeah, but…”, the result will be escalating frustration and disconnect. Karl doesn’t seem to hear his preference for the golf league has upset his wife. He is focused on what is important to him and is missing what is important to her.
 
If we listen to gain understanding, we stay with the speaker for follow-up questions or reflect their thoughts rather than jumping to explanations or defense. When someone responds with why their behavior makes sense without acknowledging the other’s experience, they are effectively saying, “I don’t care about your problem, and I’m innocent.”
 
Here is a healthier version between Karl and his wife:
 
Wife: “Karl, I can’t believe you signed up for a golf league that is on the same night as our daughter’s soccer games!”
 
 
Karl: “Are you more upset about me missing her games or that I’m playing golf?”
 
Wife: “I’m sad that family isn’t more of a priority in your schedule.”
 
Karl: “You feel that I don’t care about our family? What if I can get a sub for some weeks and still make it to some of her games?”
Wife: “I would appreciate that.”
 
In this example, Karl asks questions to clarify his wife’s frustration and responds to her with a compromise to demonstrate that he does care. It is a subtle, but important difference that yields lasting rewards.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ​ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

God designed sex to be a beautiful expression of love between a man and a woman in a marriage covenant. It is a picture of God’s love for us; a giving and receiving of love within the safety of a covenant relationship. Love is to be freely given to each other for the purpose of procreation, great pleasure for both, connection and ultimately to the glory of God.

​Ephesians 5: 31-32 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
 
The hormones released during sex all have amazing purpose. Oxytocin and Vasopressin helps us feel bonded to our partner. Dopamine is a feel-good hormone that reinforces the motivation to continue seeking sexual intimacy. Serotonin can result in a good mood, relaxation, and better sleep. Oxytocin may help relieve pain. What a marvelous design by the Creator! In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. Everything was going as it was planned until they believed that there was life apart from God. They sinned, and shame entered the picture.
 
So, if God created sexual intimacy for good, why is there so much confusion and shame surrounding it? These are often themes I hear when meeting with clients over sexual issues.
 
Confusion often comes when we do not hear the truth or we have heard a perversion of the truth about sexuality. So many of us heard nothing about sex growing up and had to glean things from movies, friends or a google search which may have led us into the world of pornography; a total distortion of God’s good gift.   Some assumed, by the absence of any talk at home or in the church, that it was shameful or bad and held little value.  Others were told just not to do it until you get married. How are we to flip the switch from, “this is a bad thing” to now, that we are married, “it is good?”
 
Shame can come along if there was sexual abuse in your past. You stuff it down and tell no one because somehow you believe that it was your fault or that no one would believe you if you did tell.  Anything sexual is now associated with feelings from your past of fear, shame, and mistrust. Your identity was shattered into pieces as you grew to see yourself as an object to be used. Shame can also be carried from past sexual experiences that have not been brought into the light of the grace of God.
 
Differing desires cause so much hurt and misunderstanding within marriage. Many women say they have sex just to please their husband; totally unaware of the design of their own bodies for pleasure. The belief of some is that sex is just a physical release that men need when in reality it is often their desire for connection. The fullness of joy in intimacy cannot be found when one partner is agreeing to it out of a sense of obligation.
 
 The reason for this lack of desire in men and women needs to be explored. Shame, misunderstanding of the purpose of sex or problems in the relationship are all barriers to healthy physical intimacy. Husband and wife need to create a safe place where these things can be talked about honestly and openly.
 
If you are struggling in any aspect of your physical intimacy, a professional counselor can help you gain insight into where you may be stuck. The resulting healing will lead to your experiencing joy and purpose in this wonderful gift.

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

How many times have you felt a relationship was strained by feeling misrepresented or misunderstood?

Probably a lot. The problem with communication is that it is biased by our own perspectives, experiences, and expectations. So often, past relationship experiences inform how we perceive comments made in present relationships. If you have been betrayed by an unfaithful partner, you might hear comments from your current partner differently than someone who has never experienced infidelity. You might hear threats to the security of the relationship where there might not be any. Or, if you were raised by a demeaning parent, you might hear insults from others that aren’t the intended message. It could be within the same relationship that you are holding onto conversations and frustrations from the past and applying them to current communication. We are a product of our families of origin, our dating relationships, friendships, and work relationships as well as past trauma. We all develop perspectives of ourselves and others based on messages spoken to us in each of those relationships.
 
So, what do we do with our wounded connections and interpretations that might not be accurate? We can start by taking an honest look at ourselves from a couple different angles.

• What are our expectations based on past relationships and our assumptions we make in current relationships?
• Do we have unrealistic or unfair expectations?
• Do we anticipate people will treat us the way we were treated in a different setting, and it no longer applies?
• How can we adjust our expectations and responses to fit more accurately in this relationship or the current version of the relationship?
• How is the other person characterized?

 
Take the person who was cheated on. Are they expecting manipulative or dishonest behavior, so they go looking for it in harmless comments? If so, they are likely to find it even though their partner isn’t doing anything wrong. Can they recognize they are applying an expectation that isn’t accurate of their new partner? Can they more honestly evaluate how their spouse is characterized? Has their spouse ever given them any reason to distrust them? If not, they need to understand their triggers of mistrust and not apply them to someone who hasn’t earned it.
 
For the adult child who was demeaned by a parent, when their spouse speaks with a tone of frustration, can the adult child recognize they are responding in anger to the painful memory of past treatment that is not currently in play?  Can they recognize they are hearing a condemnation and harshness that aren’t part of the current message? Does their spouse typically speak to them with contempt, or are they misinterpreting their spouses’ intentions with past pain?
 
Perhaps you are in a long marriage, and the accumulation of hurt and disconnect allows for misinterpretation of each other’s intentions or motives. Assumptions can be made and conclusions drawn that may or may not be accurate. Are you responding to what was just said, or is built-up resentment coloring how you hear and respond to your spouse? Are you building a list of deficits in your mate that you look to confirm when you interact? Maybe they are characterized by insensitivity, and it is time for some honest conversations about what each of you are contributing to the disconnect.
 
It is helpful to recognize that we are products of our past, and that informs our expectations and then our reactions. But the present isn’t necessarily the past. Be honest with yourself about what needs to be left behind and not applied to current relationships. Be honest about what might be an accumulation of anger that needs to be addressed before communication can be productive. It could lead to more realistic expectations and less frustration.
 
If you need help resolving past messages or learning how to better communicate in a present relationship, seek out a relationship counselor. They can help you heal and have a healthier relationship.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When couples come in for counseling, it has taken a lot for them to make that step. In some cases, they have endured years of conflict, poor communication, and frustration before they reach the counselor’s office. It is a big responsibility for a couple’s counselor to walk alongside them in their hurt, help them untangle the confusion, and work with them to bring them back to a healthy, loving connection.
 
In addition to the role of the counselor, the couple also plays a big part in the process of insight and growth. Most couples can be helped by counseling if they approach it with some key ingredients.
 
The first ingredient is a willingness to examine themselves individually to see what they might be contributing to their problems. If one comes in expecting their spouse to get fixed so they can have a happy marriage, it won’t work. Every partner has areas they can improve upon whether it’s being less critical, carving out more time for the other, or learning how to listen well to name a few. For faith-based couples, I would add prayer to this ingredient. Couples can pray to be open to change and ask for God’s guidance to lead them to deeper insight and understanding with their spouse.
 
The second key ingredient is genuinely working - in between appointments - on applying what was discussed during the counseling session. It can feel like an amazing breakthrough to learn new ways to communicate in session. But if the couple comes back after two weeks and they haven’t applied those new skills at all, it is difficult to see any progress. This is the couple’s relationship. They are paying money for support and help to address layers of issues that keep them unhappy. If they are not willing to spend time on assigned reading, exercises, etc., it can result in the counselor working harder than they are to improve their marriage.
 
The third ingredient is a commitment to consistent scheduling of sessions on the calendar. Ideally, any couple starting out in counseling will come several weeks in a row to build momentum. Many couples will then space it out to alternating weeks due to schedule or financial constraints. When a couple starts missing regular appointments, they can quickly lose ground. Bad habits resurface and both spouses become discouraged. It is unfortunate to see frequent cancelations that are the result of not prioritizing their commitment to counseling. A lack of commitment to consistency can significantly impact the progress - and ultimate success - of the counseling experience.
 
Most couples have really struggled before they arrive for counseling. Once they take the courageous step to get outside support, they play a very big part in whether the counseling will be helpful. They commit time, dollars, and emotional energy to the process. If they come with the above key ingredients, it is so likely that counseling will prove effective, and they will reap the benefits of a happier and healthier relationship.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

“What’s in a name?”, challenges Shakespeare’s Juliet. Since Romeo’s surname is the roadblock to their Renaissance romance, she’s arguing that a name is just a word and doesn’t have any real meaning. Nice try, Julie, but… no dice.
 
We could philosophize about this, and certainly Romeo was the heartthrob he was, no matter what was on the back of his jousting jersey. But we know names become imbued with meaning. Importantly, our own first name has special meaning to us. Whatever name we go by as we journey through this life; it represents us intimately.
 
So, we notice how others use our name. We noticed if our dad never bothered to use it or if our mom used it only in exasperation. We noticed if other kids turned our name into a taunt to make fun of us. We notice if people pronounce it correctly, if they spell it right, and if they remember it. We notice if someone takes undesired liberties and uses a shortened version or nickname.
 
Part of relating to people, and especially those closest to us, is being thoughtful about how we handle their name. Are we cherishing our teen’s name because we know it represents them as a person? Are we treating our husband or wife’s name as precious, knowing their ears are acutely attuned to how it sounds when we say it? Do we more often say our loved ones’ names cheerfully and playfully or with sternness or snark? Are we sometimes using their name as a weapon?
 
Sure, names serve a practical purpose. How else would we be able to tell Juliet it’s time to stop texting Romeo and go to bed? And certainly, some people are more sensitive than others to how their name is used. But, in general, we will better convey that we value someone if we value their name and how we use it. Will you be using anyone’s name today?

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It is easy to find ourselves wishing a relationship was closer, more comfortable, but not wanting to take the first step to make changes.

We view the relationship through the lens of our needs that are going unmet. Maybe a teen is being disrespectful, and it feels they aren’t interested in improving the relationship at all. Maybe a spouse is inconsiderate, and we build up resentment about the ways they wrong us. Or maybe it is a friend that has hurt you that just doesn’t seem to care as much anymore.

What keeps us from making the first step towards a better relationship? A lot of people who are hurting are now in protection mode. It feels risky to extend themselves in kindness and warmth in case they are rebuffed or rejected, again. Unfortunately, that keeps both parties locked in the mindset of “If they show a change of heart, then I will be softer, kinder, more patient, etc.” We hold out, unwilling to give them what they aren’t giving us.

What if we choose to come at it differently? What if we could step back and look at the long-term gain of a restored relationship that makes it worth the risk of reaching out? If we stay focused on what the other person is doing to hurt us, we will struggle to see what we are contributing to the problem. If we are open to examining our own behavior and looking for ways we can bring more respect, more tenderness, more patience, then we are addressing the aspects we can control. Even more, can we evaluate what we need from the other that is currently not happening? Once we make changes in our own behavior, the other party will likely be a bit more open to hearing what we are asking for from them. They cannot read our minds and do not know what our needs are if we don’t express them. Likewise, we are probably missing things they want from us, but we haven’t asked.

So, if your goal is to restore an important relationship that feels stuck in dysfunction, here are the suggested steps:
 

• Work on yourself first
• Express what you would like from them
• Ask what they would like more of or less of from you
• Keep doing your part even if you don’t see a big return from them

It is critical that you keep up your efforts of softening and respecting their needs if you want to see change. If you work one week on changes but don’t see the other one trying, do not give up! This will take time and the more consistently they see your efforts, the more likely they are to do the same.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”                  Galatians 6:9

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

“It is a luxury to be understood,” wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson. This rings as true now as it likely did when he penned it in the 1800s. We humans long to be understood. We yearn for the people in our lives to “get” us. When they do, we feel not just heard, but known. This heals our hearts and settles our souls.
 
Psychology has a name for the delivery of this understanding to another person: “validation.” When we validate someone, we convey with our words, tone, and expression that we understand them. Not just on the surface, but on the deeper levels where their unique logic and meaning mingle and their feelings form. We communicate that how they are thinking and feeling makes sense.
 
So how exactly do we do this? Let’s look at what validation IS NOT, as well as what it is:
 
Validation Is Not Agreement – It is a common misunderstanding that to validate someone is to agree with them or approve of their thinking. This is understandable because the word valid means “logically correct.” But this is not what we mean when we are talking about psychological validation. We are not saying another person’s thoughts and feelings are correct – or right or good. Rather, we are saying we can understand how they are seeing and experiencing things. We reflect what is TRUE FOR THEM.
 
Validation is Not Easy – We must listen with not only our ears but also our heart and mind, attending to the person’s words as well as their nonverbal communication. We must then show that we really understand how they see and feel things through their unique lens.
 
Validation is a Skill You Can Build – A regular part of my work is helping clients improve their relationships by building validation skills. Therapists can help illuminate ways you are missing rich opportunities for connection or interacting in ways that are invalidating and damaging.
 
Validation is Worth It – Can you remember a time when someone really “got” you? Maybe they suggested the feeling you were feeling without you even saying it, or they said that based on what they knew about you, they could understand why you were especially upset (or excited, nervous, resentful, etc.). It usually feels wonderful to be validated.
 
Consider how you might validate your loved ones and, as Emerson said, give them the “luxury” of understanding.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s tempting to think romance will materialize out of thin air like a box of dark chocolates.

​However, if your relationship isn’t characterized as affectionate, romantic or even connected, don’t expect fireworks on February 14th. The truth is, real romance is a day-by-day effort. Have you heard the old saying, “…sex begins in the kitchen”? It could be expanded to say “…sex begins in the laundry room, the kid’s bathroom at bath time and in the kitchen doing the dishes…” The more each spouse feels cared for, supported and a part of a team, the more affection and romance can blossom.
 
Did you know there is research that says the more a couple engages in non-sexual touch, the better their sex life is? It makes sense though. If you frequently reach for your partner’s hand, easily greet one another with a kiss and snuggling is the norm, then you’re probably emotionally and physically connected. If the only time a wife receives a hug is when she gets ‘the look’, it’s not really romance. It’s more like an obligation than a mutually exciting idea.
 
Romance doesn’t have to be for movie stars and 20 somethings. It’s in the little things. Romance is learning his or her love language and then speaking it regularly. Not just on special events. Does she feel loved with affirming words? Leave her a hand written note telling her how much you appreciate all she does for the family. Does he crave quality time? Suggest an activity like his favorite donut shop on Saturday morning without the cell phones on. Does she feel loved through gifts? Bring her flowers on any day that’s not a holiday. If he feels loved through acts of service or touch, you could combine those with a back rub! The idea here is that you are looking for ways to show you care, you’re pursuing them in the way they feel most loved.
 
When you create a relationship atmosphere that’s creative, courteous and fun, it makes romance and intimacy just another extension of what’s already in the air.

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Conflict, and its offspring avoidance, plague many great relationships in our culture.  Left to fester, they are like a cancer that erodes any bond, and contributes to major complications moving forward.  Left unresolved, conflict and avoidance can lead to the death of any great relationship.  Luckily, you can manage conflict like a pro in just five easy steps!
 
1)     Acknowledge:  Acknowledging how your family handled conflict in the past might be half the battle.  Frequently, conflict experienced in the nuclear home growing up consisted of emotional elevations, tirades, and even violence.  This is very salient to how you may see conflict in the here and now, and will influence how you will develop your own style of managing conflict.  Conflict can feel unsafe, even scary, because you may have grown up “walking on eggshells” trying to avoid volatile responses to conflict.  Or perhaps you fear you own reaction to conflict because the modeled reaction was maladaptive.  Understanding your past and processing its significance with a professional counselor is half of the battle to understanding and managing your own beliefs and reactions to conflict.
 
2)     Reframe:  Reframing the way you perceive conflict is also very impactful.  Conflict is normal, and a healthy part of any relationship.  Conflict adds the spice that makes the relationship exciting!  Consider, if there was complete agreement about every subject matter with no dissenting opinion, conversations would be very short and run dry quickly.  Having a spirited conversation with different points of view is what connects us emotionally and broadens our outlooks.  Well managed conflict is natural inside of relationships… so don’t be afraid and avoid the discourse.  It is actually a good thing!
 
3)     Run Through It, Not Around It:  Be intentionally vigilant for patterns of avoidance, and commit to fruitfully running into conflict.  A fruitful jog into conflict is the ability to express how you are experiencing a person or situation, and asking for what you need to resolve your negative feelings.  Fruitfully running through the problem also means the recipient is able to provide a safe place for your concerns to land.  Again, this may take professional modeling provided by a licensed counselor.
 
4)     Understand Your Style: Do you fight to win? Or do you placate and avoid?  Gaining insight on your style of managing feelings related to conflict is powerful.  Knowing your conflict style will help you to correct learned behaviors that seem helpful in the moment, but will prove to be harmful down the road.  Working toward collaboration during conflict meets the needs of all, and is the style that is most effective for relationships.
 
5)     For Emergency Use:  When conflict goes wrong, engage in sincere apologies.  Fruitful conflict is not intended to be hurtful.  Apologizing for contributing to someone’s emotional pain does not negate, refute, or otherwise alter your stance, belief, or observation.  Example: “I am really sorry this was hurtful.  That was never my intent.”  Consider agreeing to respectfully disagree and move on, or revisit when emotions have leveled.

​by Liza Hinchey, PhD, LPC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Before the pandemic, online dating was already growing exponentially.

Today, in part because of the massive shift to virtual we’ve undertaken as a society, there are few single people who aren’t using dating apps in their search for connection. While some of them will absolutely find what they’re looking for, the reality is that online dating is still not the most effective way to meet a long-term partner. For all its convenience and ease, there are a few drawbacks when dating apps are our only way of trying to meet people.
 
One downside to dating apps is that they’re a numbers game: with that many people to choose from, your chances of meeting someone really compatible are just mathematically lower. A study from Michigan State University found that relationships that start online are 28% more likely to end within the first year than relationships that started in person. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find lasting love online: depending on the survey, 7-20% of people who are married or in committed relationships met online. Still, the flip side of that statistic is that 80-93% of them did not meet online. We can’t always rely on numbers when it comes to love…but that math is pretty convincing.
 
Relatedly, the sheer number of people to choose from on dating apps leads to the psychological phenomenon: decision paralysis. Decision paralysis is when it becomes difficult to make a decision, because we’re afraid of making the wrong choice. Think of going shopping for a new pair of shoes at a small boutique compared to shopping online. Online, there are literally millions of options! You might find a pair you really like…but what if you scroll just a little further? There’s a chance you’ll see something even better—it’s probably best to keep looking just in case. At the boutique, maybe you’ll see a couple dozen pairs, and one or two that you really like. The decision is much easier, simply because you don’t have that fear of missing something better lingering in the back of your mind. Choosing a partner is, of course, much more complicated than choosing a pair of shoes (spot the Clueless reference), but the basic principles of decision paralysis still apply.
 
Despite these pitfalls, it remains true that dating apps make it convenient and easy to meet people. The question becomes whether that convenience and ease is worth the potential downsides. And to get even more existential and possibly romantic about it: Do we really want finding love to be convenient and easy? Wouldn’t it be more fun if it were a bit more mysterious, spontaneous, or surprising? As human beings, we like these aspects in our romantic lives. It gives our social interactions, romantic or otherwise, meaning. Spontaneity and mystery absolutely can and do exist in a virtual space too—but once again the numbers are just working against us online.
 
So, what’s the next step? In my work with clients interested in dating, a great way to get the best results while using dating apps is to be intentional about also trying to meet people in person. You don’t need to stop using dating apps (unless they’re really stressing you out). An easy way to start is to hang out at the same café, library, or similar public space by yourself for a few weeks. Studies show that seeing the same people in the same place consistently is a recipe for forming both friendships and romantic relationships. Think of how easy it was to make friends in school, when you’d see the same people every day—the same concept applies. It doesn’t have to be one of the specific places mentioned—any setting that allows you to interact with people over time in a physical space will do. Even if you’re still using Hinge, intentionally putting yourself in these physical spaces with people will keep you in tune with your fellow humans, feed your basic need to interact with others, and increase your chances of meeting someone truly compatible with you. Yes, it’s scarier at first! But isn’t that sometimes a sign of things that are worth it? And, bonus: even if you don’t find a partner right away, you will find a greater sense of confidence and ease in yourself.   
 
Dating and relationships are complicated—and working on these goals in therapy can also be highly effective—but there are a few ways to boost your chances. Whether the math of it all appeals to you, or you’re just craving a little more mystery, making the choice to intentionally try meeting people in person might be the magic you’re looking for. 

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Marriage creates many changes for couples.  But some things stay the same.  For example, what we perceive as defects in our partner do not auto correct simply because of the “I do’s.”  Frequently the things that couples fight about when dating are the same things they fight about when they are married or cohabitating.  Maybe you have felt like there is a conflict that is ‘stuck on repeat’ in your relationship.  These repeating conflicts are a couple’s perpetual issues.
 
Perpetual issues are trigger points that begin when people meet and persist throughout the duration of the relationship.  Couples that marry or cohabitate hoping that the new level of investment in the relationship will “fix” an issue that existed at lower levels of relational commitment, are often shocked and disappointed when they realize that the perceived character flaw is actually a trait.  For example, an individual who loves the nightlife and does not “grow out of” the scene because they are married, may bring an element of disappointment to the spouse that now desires a quiet night at home.  95% of all couples have perpetual issues, and the other 5% are in denial about their perpetual issues.  This isn’t an actual statistic, but at some level all couples experience repeating conflict that just doesn’t seem to go away.  At best, one person in the relationship fakes it until they make it, but that avoidance can lead to resentment.  Here are four ways to manage your relationship’s perpetual issues.
 
1.     Acknowledge Your Perpetual Issues
It is difficult to work on solutions to a problem if you do not know what the problem is.  Having a perpetual issue does not mean your marriage is in trouble, it means your marriage is normal.  Do not allow shame to force you into denying your relationship is human and susceptible to life’s stressors.  Consider creating a name for your issue so that it can be viewed as separate from your relationship.  Perhaps a name can even add levity to something that is bothersome.
 
2.     Work Towards Creative Ways to Cope with Your Differences
This may be the key to a successful relationship!  Perhaps one person squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, whereas the other likes to take from the middle.  Having two toothpaste tubes with your names on it does not represent the end of the world or the end of your relationship.  It represents a couple that has found a way to deal with conflict.  If someone still enjoys the nightlife and the other relishes sleep, perhaps a specific night of the week can be reserved for late night festivities.  Finding unique and creative ways to smooth out these rough edges in your relationship makes the issue easier to handle.
 
3.     Recognize That Your Relationship is Unique
What works in your relationship may look substantially different from other relationships in your family and your culture.  Our relationships are not created from a mold.  They are divinely sculpted and should look different in certain regards.  Developing strong boundaries to allow what works for your relationship is important.  You have created a one-of-a-kind entity called “YOUR family.”  Feed it what it needs to grow strong and survive.
 
4.     Make a Commitment to Manage Your Feelings
It may not be easy to address issues that create conflict in your relationship.  Utilizing timeouts when voices begin to elevate and emotions begin to roll will help keep the creative juices flowing.  Walk away for short periods of time to allow the emotional flooding to subside.  The brain cannot access creative channels when it is triggered emotionally.  It enters survival mode and all it can focus on is winning or retreating.  Consider making a full value contract with your partner and list what it means to be fully valued in a discussion about perpetual issues.  Be aware that the conversation may be charged and have an emergency response plan for the emotions that may surface.
 
Finding an issue stuck on repeat in your relationship is common and not the end.  Relationships are always evolving, and we all have perpetual issues.  Being able to participate in problem solving on a creative level and engaging in patience with grace along the way are key ingredients to happy and healthy lives.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

This spring, I purchased four new flowering shrubs. I envisioned blooms brightening my garden all summer long. However, it has been a hot and dry summer which hasn’t served my new shrubs well. I diligently watered them at first, went out of town and came back to intermittent watering. What I couldn’t see was how thirsty those poor roots were for more water than they were getting. As the first shrub started browning, I increased the watering schedule. Now all four are struggling to make it as I tend to them like a sick patient. Why am I telling you about my wilting shrubs?
 
Because the blooms of a well-watered garden are like the inner radiance of a well encouraged soul. How about that for an analogy? Just as I was looking forward to new flowers in my garden, we start a marriage or begin parenting anticipating all of the bright days ahead. We begin with good intentions and lots of “watering” of each other. At some point in relationships, people get a little thirsty to hear they are appreciated, to know they are loved. It is like fresh, cool water pouring over them giving them life. When our spouse hears more criticism than encouragement, they might start to wilt a bit. Our kids need daily doses of “plant food” to help them bloom. They need to know they are worth our time to play with them. They need grace when they make a mistake and encouragement it will go better next time. If your kids look like they are turning brown with anger, withdrawal or an antagonistic attitude, you might stop to think about the condition of their roots. Are they withering under a lack of affirmation? Are they thirsting to have someone listen to them without giving them advice?
 
We generally know our spouses well and when they are stressed out. We know the times when they could use a little Miracle Gro in their morning instead of dry neglect or harshness. What a difference it makes when we take the time to see their efforts, let them know they are loved and appreciated. What can you start doing to tend to your relationships to bring out the brightest smiles? The loudest laughter? The blooms of people who feel good about themselves? You don’t even need a watering can. Just speak life giving words of affirmation and encouragement.

by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Relationships are needy.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of elements to making a relationship successful.  Sometimes they effortlessly come together, but many times they take a lot of work.  Whether you are a corporate leader, small team leader, parent on the PTA, homemaker with a small tribe, or siblings trying to make things work, in my estimation effective communication is the most important element to any relationship.
 
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four traits that can guarantee, with high levels of accuracy, the demise of a relationship.  One of the four traits is defensiveness.  Defensive responses impede any progress that feedback was intended to create.  The good news is with some patience and communication skills we can give a difficult conversation every opportunity to achieve the desired results.
 
Frontload the conversation.  Frontloading is giving the receiver the chance to prepare for something that may be corrective in nature.  Don’t forget, we all think we are awesome, and we all think we are bringing our best every day.  So, hearing that we fell short will be disappointing.  When we know that difficult news is coming it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch as it is delivered.  We saw it coming and had a chance to brace for the impact the statement may carry.  In frontloading, we can also give the receiver the opportunity to invite the feedback when they are ready for it.  Remember, we all have baggage that we tote around from our personal lives.  The ability to invite feedback, negative or positive, gives the receiver a sense of control.  Here is how we frequently frontload conversations with our children.  “I know we are having so much fun at the park, but it is getting late, and we have to eat dinner.  How about just ten more minutes, then we have to go.”  This gives our little receiver a chance to decompress from whatever was just happening, as well as allowing them to prepare for something they do not desire.  This works with big people too!  I wonder why we stop using this strategy as people age?  Perhaps the need remains but the ensuing tantrum changes form.
 
Be direct about what you need while avoiding the word YOU.  We frequently use nonverbal social controls to convey our displeasure.  Perhaps our spouse gets a bit of the silent treatment for forgetting to do dishes.  Maybe a colleague is excluded from a meeting.  Maybe a teammate is benched for poor field performance.  In relationships, nonverbal social controls are avoidant and can lead to confusion and frustration.  Successful relationships utilize directness and gentle confrontations.  In a gentle confrontation, one is extremely careful not to use the word you which frequently triggers the launch of defensiveness (insert horror screaming here).  Gentle, yet direct feedback could be framed in a simple sentence structure you can pull out for nearly every situation and relationship.  It sounds like this, “I noticed _____________.  What I need is ___________.”  Here is how this can be applied in real life!  “When you have a second, there is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I would love to get your thoughts on it.”  If you observe part one of this exchange is the frontloading, you are comprehending what we are conveying.  “I noticed the dishes did not get washed and loaded into the dishwasher.  This makes me feel completely overwhelmed when I
come home.  I need some help accomplishing this task.”  In this example the statement offers personal observations, feelings, and a need without ever using the word you.  Remember not to use that word, or any derivative of.
 
What to do in an emergency.  One of the worst demonstrations of feeling criticized and defensive is with an emotional escalation.  When conflict reaches the point where we begin to emotionally elevate, we lose the ability to be rational.  This is supported by research and brain scans that show the portion of the brain responsible for rational thinking is under stimulated, or turned off during moments of fight or flight activation.  And guess what!  The portion of the brain responsible for fight or flight is now activated and in control when the yelling begins.  The ability to think through a problem or respond appropriately is impossible when the brain transitions to survival mode.  We cannot begin to problem solve when the brain is beginning to flood (literally with adrenaline and cortisol) and we must pause the conversation.  Typically, we can return to the confrontation after 30 minutes with restored brain functioning, and literally allow “cooler heads to prevail.”  This old saying was directly addressing the dumping of hormones released during fight or flight.  Any communication will be impeded by emotional flooding.  Old fashion timeouts give everyone an opportunity to reset, and proceed with restored brain processes.  Ask yourself, does this issue need an immediate fix, or can it wait?
 
Provide a soft landing place.  Preparing a place where people can turn is key to reducing defensiveness and criticism.  This soft landing place takes lots of preparation and maintenance.  It requires high levels of trust that comes from equal levels of altruism and support.  How you deal with negative feedback or conflict will set the stage for how your people will respond to your feedback.  Is it OK to disappoint you because you provide a place of forgiveness and understanding?  Or are you a grudge holder and ancient history comes alive during conflict?  Are you restorative, drawing a line and choosing a clean slate on the other side.  Or does processing conflict or negative feedback take an extended period of time.  I like to envision soft landing places looking like a dog.  Do you want to pet the dog that flops on her back and offers a soft belly?  Or the dog whose dander is up, tail is down, and is showing teeth?
 
Communication is central to all of our relationships and is a seminal part of each day.  Frontloading, being direct with observations and needs, allowing for timeouts when flooding, and providing a soft landing place are a few simple communication tactics that will produce results in your relationships.  These strategies are versatile, and can be applied to any type of relationship.  They take practice, and it may feel like learning a new language.  But it is worth learning a language that everyone will be able to hear more clearly.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I love logic. I love it because it’s, well, logical. It has order, reason, and common sense and, therefore, it’s awfully useful as we’re living our lives. Cheers to logic!
 
There is a pattern of thinking about relationships, though, that can masquerade in our mind as logical, but isn’t.
 
The thought pattern – allow me to exaggerate for emphasis – goes like this:
 

1. My loved one (spouse, boyfriend, parent, friend, brother, etc.) loves me.

 

1. When someone loves me, they should automatically know my every need, wish, desire, dream, thought and feeling regarding my relationship with them.

 

1. Therefore, it follows that I should not have to actually tell them any of these things. In fact, telling them these things means that anything they do to meet my needs doesn’t count, because they were tipped off. True love doesn’t require requests.

 
I indulged in hyperbole, but some form of this non sequitur can subtly slip into our psyche and sabotage our significant relationships. For example:
 

• An adult daughter craves deeper conversations with her dad. She barely hints at this, and he never ventures beyond the paternal pleasantries and platitudes, so she doesn’t realize that he desires the same thing. He fears overstepping in the relationship and thinks he is giving her space.

 

• A new husband would feel especially loved and supported if his wife would verbally appreciate him. He’s uncomfortable “having to ask for compliments” and feels like as his soulmate, she should naturally speak what his heart needs. In her family, homemade food and warm hugs convey love, and she doesn’t realize his unmet needs.

 
No matter how much someone loves us, they don’t have mindreading skills. There are many reasons why we have trouble accepting this. Our culture adores romanticized relationships, and the gritty work of communication isn’t dreamy. Our families of origin play a role, as do our insecurities. The help of a relationship counselor can help tease out what may be getting in the way of better communication and connection.
 
It's interesting to notice that our Heavenly Father loves us passionately, and already knows our needs, but still urges us to bring our requests to Him (Philippians 4:6) and says, “Ask, and it will be given to you…” (Matthew 7:7). He models relational logic we can embrace with our loved ones as well.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

For those old enough to remember the shows, “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “The King of Queens” you probably got some good laughs watching them. They were my favorite shows in their day. However, over time, I realized the general source of humor came from the husband doing something ill-advised, and then he either lied about it or exerted a ridiculous effort to try and hide it from his wife. While it made for good sitcoms, it will not make for a good marriage.
 
Some people view honesty on a spectrum. There are little white lies to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, the lie of omission when you withhold information intentionally and outright lies.
 
Little white lies are actually more dangerous than they appear, because a person becomes comfortable fudging on the truth when it’s convenient for them. It is also the kind of dishonesty parents are likely to practice in front of their children. So, kids learn it’s okay to tell little white lies about their age because mom and dad save some money on admission to the waterpark. Or a spouse may overhear a lie given to a boss to get out of work and wonder when their spouse is lying to them. Generally, they are not harmless and lead to problems and a lack of trust down the road.
 
When partners withhold information to spare the couple a fight, it is bound to surface eventually. It could be accumulating debt, problems at work, or even career plans made without consulting the other. Most people are angrier to find out that they have been actively left out of the loop on important information than they would have been if they heard about it from the beginning.
 
Outright lies are less frequent because they are so obviously damaging to a relationship. And yet they occur about spending, what spouses do with their buddies, how much alcohol was consumed, etc. 
 
The bottom line is trust. And when you violate someone’s trust, there really isn’t a spectrum to it. When you tell little lies, it leads to bigger lies. If your partner can’t trust you on the small stuff, how will they trust you on the really big stuff? Honesty is critical to emotional safety in a relationship. Do you have a reputation as being truthful? Reliable? Good on your word? What would your partner say?

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ​ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

If you have been married for some time, you may be looking back fondly on those tender years of dating and the first few years of marital bliss. Love came so easily. You couldn’t stop thinking about each other and all you wanted was to be together. You couldn’t wait to express loving words and actions to your beloved.  You long for those times as your attention seems to have shifted away from each other and on to the day to day demands of job and children.
 
How can those flames of earlier and better times be rekindled?  What does that familiar phrase, “love is a choice”, actually mean?
 
It is easy to give our spouse a Valentine’s card full of loving words. Although a card is nice, acting out those words of love would be an even better gift. Just what is it that would make your spouse feel loved? Hopefully you know by now! You may be thinking, “…but I am not feeling very loving toward him, and besides he doesn’t show me much love.”
 
For the Christian, we are commanded to love as we have been loved by Christ Himself.  We must choose to love in very practical ways and to strive to cherish our spouse, which is the ultimate form of love. Remember those vows, “to love and cherish?” To cherish is to hold your spouse in your heart as being dear; to care for them deeply, to treasure them. It is always dwelling on the good in them and acknowledging it. It is thinking about their needs more than your own. It is forgiving them. It is wanting to show your love in tangible ways.
 
What acts of love can you do? What words of love can you speak? The amazing thing is that once you start acting in love and speaking in loving ways, you might just begin feeling more loving toward your spouse. And your spouse just may begin responding to you in ways you would never have imagined!
 
Who does not want to feel cherished? What a wonderful gift to give this Valentine’s Day, from this day forward and forever more.

by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Remember the old 90’s song More Than Words, by Extreme?  It was that heart stopping moment at all high school and middle school dances for years!  The enduring love song that pulled every teenage guy and girl to the dance floor with that special someone.
 
Turns out Nuno Battencourt and Gary Cherone were really onto something with their hit song.  In the first stanza of music, Cherone sings, “...how easy it would be to show you how I feel.”  Showing how we feel is exactly what we do!  In fact, researchers suggest that up to 75% of what we say is shown to others via non-verbal communication.  In some instances, it is suggested that 90% is more accurate.  That’s a whole lot more than words!  For example, when the above-mentioned special song was played, and that special someone pulled you kicking and screaming onto the dance floor, what was being said, or communicated, in that moment?  Perhaps the non-verbal communication revealed an attraction?  Or maybe you were the last person left standing.  That is what makes this type of communication especially difficult.  It has to be interpreted.  You may be thinking, “She loves me!!!”  Meanwhile she is really communicating, “Ugh… he’ll have to do.”
 
The world of communication is complex and affected by cultural experience as well.  In American culture, looking someone in the eye affirmatively depicts respect, and attention.  In other cultures, looking away is that signal of respect.  Look an animal in the eye… a challenge!
 
You may be freaked out by the realization of all that you have communicated non-verbally recently, and want to know how not to hemorrhage any more friends?!  Excellent question!  How do we affirmatively communicate with people?  First, think about what you want from the interaction. Maybe most important — keep the phone in your pocket or purse.  If it goes off… IGNORE IT!  That choice speaks non-verbal volumes.  It says to the communication partner that they are more important than whatever is on that device.  Maintain eye contact (don’t you dare look down at that phone), and nod at your communication partner when you understand what they are saying.  I wonder what we communicate to others when we give in to temptation and examine our phones in their presence? 
 
The ability to maintain an awareness of the things that you communicate that are far more than words is a valuable interpersonal communication skill.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

 The most common issue bringing couples into counseling is the need for better communication around conflict. The first session often involves lengthy tales of the many ways seemingly non-conflictual topics escalate, with one or both parties getting angry. The discussion quickly goes off the rails with past insults brought up, long-standing frustrations shouted, and hurt feelings all around. Ultimately, no resolution is reached, and the issue will inevitably be an ongoing source of repeated conflict in the future.
 
One technique that I often suggest is the use of ‘time out.’ This is a bit different than the time out of childhood, in which a child is isolated for a time as a consequence for poor behavior. This ‘time out’ is an effective way to de-escalate intensity between two adults, and allows for a more focused and constructive return to the conflictual topic when cooler heads prevail.
 
Many couple conflicts occur when one party “blindsides” the other with a complaint or accusation. The blindsided party will usually respond with defensiveness almost immediately—because they didn’t see the “attack” coming. The “attacker” has likely been stewing over the issue for a while, and is on the offense.
 
Features of the ‘time out’ technique include:

1. Agreement ahead of any conflict that ‘time out’ may be called by either party.
2. Recognition by one or both parties of either person’s emotional escalation; likely headed to a point of unproductive and regretful words.
3. Non-judgmental suggestion that a ‘time out’ is needed. Once agreed to, this can simply involve leaving the room or the discussion, with the understanding that both parties will be intentional about focusing on de-escalation of emotion, and a re-focus on the specific issue at hand.
4. MOST IMPORTANT – the person calling for the ‘time out’ MUST also be the person who suggests a time for returning to the discussion. For example:

 
“Listen, we are both pretty heated right now, and I don’t want to fight with you. How about we take a ‘time out’, and come back to this discussion tomorrow morning over coffee?”
 
‘Time out’ is NOT a method for avoiding or ignoring the conflict. Rather, it creates opportunity to navigate the conflict more effectively. ‘Time out’ allows both parties to return to the discussion prepared and emotionally stable once again. The conversation is re-engaged on a level playing field, offering a greater likelihood for satisfactory resolution of the issue.

In any relationship, people gauge if it is safe to be open with their thoughts and feelings based on the response of the other person. If the common experience with someone is to receive criticism or dismissal of your viewpoint, then you are less likely to share openly. When people don’t share openly, they withdraw, shut down, or become defensive in return.
 
Think of the parent child relationship in this context. Most parents would like their kids to share more of their inner world, their challenges and dreams. How many parents can listen without judging and just receive what their kid is sharing? Even with the best intentions, many parents dismiss their kid’s fears and tell them everything will be okay. How much more sharing would kids do if they felt their viewpoint would be heard and validated as important?
 
In marriage communication we can get very invested in our perspective and struggle to pause our viewpoint long enough to genuinely try to understand our spouse’s perspective. This results in either a lot of arguing or a lot of avoidance of meaningful conversation.
 
Most of us long for relationships that feel safe to say what we really feel. Unfortunately, we can get caught up in our own agendas, perspectives and priorities which then filters what we hear and how we respond. Even if we believe we are operating with the other’s best interests in mind, if it is according to our view and not theirs, we are most likely shutting down vulnerability and honest communication.
 
The solution lies in humility. Rare is the person who listens with this approach: “I will pause my agenda and listen with an open mind because then I can better understand their priorities and values.” The key is having humility to listen to a perspective that might differ from our own. The author in Proverbs 11:2 aptly stated, “With humility comes wisdom.” Paul wrote in Philippians 4:2, “In humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Both verses point to the benefits of humility. Humility promotes wisdom in communicating with others and placing a priority on their interests over ours. If we adopt this approach, our kids and our partner will come to trust that we desire to understand them fully. We consider their perspective as important as our own. We are open to an idea that might not align with our wishes, but could still produce a reasonable outcome. For example, I might not be thrilled with my daughter wanting to attend a certain concert, but I will pause my concerns and allow her to share her reasons for wanting to go. Understanding her perspective is equally as important as my thoughts on the matter. We can then process the subject with both of our perspectives rather than me shooting hers down at the outset. I may not hold the same value as my husband in spending money on his hobby, but because I value him, I will humbly listen to his thoughts on the subject with respect.
 
Can you imagine how different the past year of social media would look if we applied humility in our desire to understand views different from our own? We could pause our soap boxes and words of contempt to hear how the other arrived at such a different conclusion on the subject. The goal would be understanding and not landing a zinger at someone else’s expense. The outcome would undoubtedly be more productive than what actually happened.
 
This is why counseling is helpful. Counselors listen with a priority to understand, not forward their own agenda. The client feels heard, understood and respected in their perspective. The dynamic also differs in that the counselor is able to listen objectively and does not get triggered emotionally as a parent or spouse might. If you are yearning to be heard, try listening to the other with humility. If it feels too challenging in the moment, consider working with a professional counselor who can help you grow in your communication skills and relationships.

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In the jungle there are predators and the prey they search for. If the prey isn’t careful, doesn’t have their eyes open for possible trouble, they will get eaten. In some ways, that is how it is for married people who don’t have their eyes open for predators looking to attack their marriage through infidelity.  Sometimes it is more innocent than that. Sometimes it begins when no one was looking for it to happen. Either way, if you are married and spending time communicating with a member of the opposite sex regularly, you need to open your eyes for trouble coming.
 
It can be a co-worker, a neighbor, a fellow volunteer, an old friend. When you start to communicate by text or social media with someone outside your marriage and you know your spouse would not be happy about it, shut it down. Once you have gone into regular contact, you are already justifying behavior that will be a problem for you. If it continues, you are entering into the fantasy of an unrealistic relationship that doesn’t involve bills, children, household chores or in-laws. It becomes someone to talk to that supports you, understands you and admires you. It becomes addicting to get that when you aren’t feeling the same response from your mate. If you are more than two conversations in, you will have inflicted pain in your marriage that will take time and effort to heal. The longer it continues, the more devastating the wreckage will be to clean up. Please do not underestimate the pain of betrayal and the steep climb to rebuild trust.
 
As a marriage counselor, I often work with couples trying to recover from infidelity. There are varying degrees, and I have seen many couples reconcile. A common misunderstanding is that if it wasn’t physical, it isn’t a big deal. For the spouse who learns their partner has been talking about them to someone else and saying admiring things to that other person, it is a very big deal. If you are just starting a conversation or are contemplating stepping in that direction, I implore you to seek marriage counseling. Find out how to feel that extra spark with your partner, the co-parent of your children. Examine yourself to understand what you are contributing to the problems in your marriage. The relationships we invest in will be the ones we enjoy most.