by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

“It is a luxury to be understood,” wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson. This rings as true now as it likely did when he penned it in the 1800s. We humans long to be understood. We yearn for the people in our lives to “get” us. When they do, we feel not just heard, but known. This heals our hearts and settles our souls.
 
Psychology has a name for the delivery of this understanding to another person: “validation.” When we validate someone, we convey with our words, tone, and expression that we understand them. Not just on the surface, but on the deeper levels where their unique logic and meaning mingle and their feelings form. We communicate that how they are thinking and feeling makes sense.
 
So how exactly do we do this? Let’s look at what validation IS NOT, as well as what it is:
 
Validation Is Not Agreement – It is a common misunderstanding that to validate someone is to agree with them or approve of their thinking. This is understandable because the word valid means “logically correct.” But this is not what we mean when we are talking about psychological validation. We are not saying another person’s thoughts and feelings are correct – or right or good. Rather, we are saying we can understand how they are seeing and experiencing things. We reflect what is TRUE FOR THEM.
 
Validation is Not Easy – We must listen with not only our ears but also our heart and mind, attending to the person’s words as well as their nonverbal communication. We must then show that we really understand how they see and feel things through their unique lens.
 
Validation is a Skill You Can Build – A regular part of my work is helping clients improve their relationships by building validation skills. Therapists can help illuminate ways you are missing rich opportunities for connection or interacting in ways that are invalidating and damaging.
 
Validation is Worth It – Can you remember a time when someone really “got” you? Maybe they suggested the feeling you were feeling without you even saying it, or they said that based on what they knew about you, they could understand why you were especially upset (or excited, nervous, resentful, etc.). It usually feels wonderful to be validated.
 
Consider how you might validate your loved ones and, as Emerson said, give them the “luxury” of understanding.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s tempting to think romance will materialize out of thin air like a box of dark chocolates.

​However, if your relationship isn’t characterized as affectionate, romantic or even connected, don’t expect fireworks on February 14th. The truth is, real romance is a day-by-day effort. Have you heard the old saying, “…sex begins in the kitchen”? It could be expanded to say “…sex begins in the laundry room, the kid’s bathroom at bath time and in the kitchen doing the dishes…” The more each spouse feels cared for, supported and a part of a team, the more affection and romance can blossom.
 
Did you know there is research that says the more a couple engages in non-sexual touch, the better their sex life is? It makes sense though. If you frequently reach for your partner’s hand, easily greet one another with a kiss and snuggling is the norm, then you’re probably emotionally and physically connected. If the only time a wife receives a hug is when she gets ‘the look’, it’s not really romance. It’s more like an obligation than a mutually exciting idea.
 
Romance doesn’t have to be for movie stars and 20 somethings. It’s in the little things. Romance is learning his or her love language and then speaking it regularly. Not just on special events. Does she feel loved with affirming words? Leave her a hand written note telling her how much you appreciate all she does for the family. Does he crave quality time? Suggest an activity like his favorite donut shop on Saturday morning without the cell phones on. Does she feel loved through gifts? Bring her flowers on any day that’s not a holiday. If he feels loved through acts of service or touch, you could combine those with a back rub! The idea here is that you are looking for ways to show you care, you’re pursuing them in the way they feel most loved.
 
When you create a relationship atmosphere that’s creative, courteous and fun, it makes romance and intimacy just another extension of what’s already in the air.

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Conflict, and its offspring avoidance, plague many great relationships in our culture.  Left to fester, they are like a cancer that erodes any bond, and contributes to major complications moving forward.  Left unresolved, conflict and avoidance can lead to the death of any great relationship.  Luckily, you can manage conflict like a pro in just five easy steps!
 
1)     Acknowledge:  Acknowledging how your family handled conflict in the past might be half the battle.  Frequently, conflict experienced in the nuclear home growing up consisted of emotional elevations, tirades, and even violence.  This is very salient to how you may see conflict in the here and now, and will influence how you will develop your own style of managing conflict.  Conflict can feel unsafe, even scary, because you may have grown up “walking on eggshells” trying to avoid volatile responses to conflict.  Or perhaps you fear you own reaction to conflict because the modeled reaction was maladaptive.  Understanding your past and processing its significance with a professional counselor is half of the battle to understanding and managing your own beliefs and reactions to conflict.
 
2)     Reframe:  Reframing the way you perceive conflict is also very impactful.  Conflict is normal, and a healthy part of any relationship.  Conflict adds the spice that makes the relationship exciting!  Consider, if there was complete agreement about every subject matter with no dissenting opinion, conversations would be very short and run dry quickly.  Having a spirited conversation with different points of view is what connects us emotionally and broadens our outlooks.  Well managed conflict is natural inside of relationships… so don’t be afraid and avoid the discourse.  It is actually a good thing!
 
3)     Run Through It, Not Around It:  Be intentionally vigilant for patterns of avoidance, and commit to fruitfully running into conflict.  A fruitful jog into conflict is the ability to express how you are experiencing a person or situation, and asking for what you need to resolve your negative feelings.  Fruitfully running through the problem also means the recipient is able to provide a safe place for your concerns to land.  Again, this may take professional modeling provided by a licensed counselor.
 
4)     Understand Your Style: Do you fight to win? Or do you placate and avoid?  Gaining insight on your style of managing feelings related to conflict is powerful.  Knowing your conflict style will help you to correct learned behaviors that seem helpful in the moment, but will prove to be harmful down the road.  Working toward collaboration during conflict meets the needs of all, and is the style that is most effective for relationships.
 
5)     For Emergency Use:  When conflict goes wrong, engage in sincere apologies.  Fruitful conflict is not intended to be hurtful.  Apologizing for contributing to someone’s emotional pain does not negate, refute, or otherwise alter your stance, belief, or observation.  Example: “I am really sorry this was hurtful.  That was never my intent.”  Consider agreeing to respectfully disagree and move on, or revisit when emotions have leveled.

​by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Before the pandemic, online dating was already growing exponentially.

Today, in part because of the massive shift to virtual we’ve undertaken as a society, there are few single people who aren’t using dating apps in their search for connection. While some of them will absolutely find what they’re looking for, the reality is that online dating is still not the most effective way to meet a long-term partner. For all its convenience and ease, there are a few drawbacks when dating apps are our only way of trying to meet people.
 
One downside to dating apps is that they’re a numbers game: with that many people to choose from, your chances of meeting someone really compatible are just mathematically lower. A study from Michigan State University found that relationships that start online are 28% more likely to end within the first year than relationships that started in person. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find lasting love online: depending on the survey, 7-20% of people who are married or in committed relationships met online. Still, the flip side of that statistic is that 80-93% of them did not meet online. We can’t always rely on numbers when it comes to love…but that math is pretty convincing.
 
Relatedly, the sheer number of people to choose from on dating apps leads to the psychological phenomenon: decision paralysis. Decision paralysis is when it becomes difficult to make a decision, because we’re afraid of making the wrong choice. Think of going shopping for a new pair of shoes at a small boutique compared to shopping online. Online, there are literally millions of options! You might find a pair you really like…but what if you scroll just a little further? There’s a chance you’ll see something even better—it’s probably best to keep looking just in case. At the boutique, maybe you’ll see a couple dozen pairs, and one or two that you really like. The decision is much easier, simply because you don’t have that fear of missing something better lingering in the back of your mind. Choosing a partner is, of course, much more complicated than choosing a pair of shoes (spot the Clueless reference), but the basic principles of decision paralysis still apply.
 
Despite these pitfalls, it remains true that dating apps make it convenient and easy to meet people. The question becomes whether that convenience and ease is worth the potential downsides. And to get even more existential and possibly romantic about it: Do we really want finding love to be convenient and easy? Wouldn’t it be more fun if it were a bit more mysterious, spontaneous, or surprising? As human beings, we like these aspects in our romantic lives. It gives our social interactions, romantic or otherwise, meaning. Spontaneity and mystery absolutely can and do exist in a virtual space too—but once again the numbers are just working against us online.
 
So, what’s the next step? In my work with clients interested in dating, a great way to get the best results while using dating apps is to be intentional about also trying to meet people in person. You don’t need to stop using dating apps (unless they’re really stressing you out). An easy way to start is to hang out at the same café, library, or similar public space by yourself for a few weeks. Studies show that seeing the same people in the same place consistently is a recipe for forming both friendships and romantic relationships. Think of how easy it was to make friends in school, when you’d see the same people every day—the same concept applies. It doesn’t have to be one of the specific places mentioned—any setting that allows you to interact with people over time in a physical space will do. Even if you’re still using Hinge, intentionally putting yourself in these physical spaces with people will keep you in tune with your fellow humans, feed your basic need to interact with others, and increase your chances of meeting someone truly compatible with you. Yes, it’s scarier at first! But isn’t that sometimes a sign of things that are worth it? And, bonus: even if you don’t find a partner right away, you will find a greater sense of confidence and ease in yourself.   
 
Dating and relationships are complicated—and working on these goals in therapy can also be highly effective—but there are a few ways to boost your chances. Whether the math of it all appeals to you, or you’re just craving a little more mystery, making the choice to intentionally try meeting people in person might be the magic you’re looking for. 

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Marriage creates many changes for couples.  But some things stay the same.  For example, what we perceive as defects in our partner do not auto correct simply because of the “I do’s.”  Frequently the things that couples fight about when dating are the same things they fight about when they are married or cohabitating.  Maybe you have felt like there is a conflict that is ‘stuck on repeat’ in your relationship.  These repeating conflicts are a couple’s perpetual issues.
 
Perpetual issues are trigger points that begin when people meet and persist throughout the duration of the relationship.  Couples that marry or cohabitate hoping that the new level of investment in the relationship will “fix” an issue that existed at lower levels of relational commitment, are often shocked and disappointed when they realize that the perceived character flaw is actually a trait.  For example, an individual who loves the nightlife and does not “grow out of” the scene because they are married, may bring an element of disappointment to the spouse that now desires a quiet night at home.  95% of all couples have perpetual issues, and the other 5% are in denial about their perpetual issues.  This isn’t an actual statistic, but at some level all couples experience repeating conflict that just doesn’t seem to go away.  At best, one person in the relationship fakes it until they make it, but that avoidance can lead to resentment.  Here are four ways to manage your relationship’s perpetual issues.
 
1.     Acknowledge Your Perpetual Issues
It is difficult to work on solutions to a problem if you do not know what the problem is.  Having a perpetual issue does not mean your marriage is in trouble, it means your marriage is normal.  Do not allow shame to force you into denying your relationship is human and susceptible to life’s stressors.  Consider creating a name for your issue so that it can be viewed as separate from your relationship.  Perhaps a name can even add levity to something that is bothersome.
 
2.     Work Towards Creative Ways to Cope with Your Differences
This may be the key to a successful relationship!  Perhaps one person squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, whereas the other likes to take from the middle.  Having two toothpaste tubes with your names on it does not represent the end of the world or the end of your relationship.  It represents a couple that has found a way to deal with conflict.  If someone still enjoys the nightlife and the other relishes sleep, perhaps a specific night of the week can be reserved for late night festivities.  Finding unique and creative ways to smooth out these rough edges in your relationship makes the issue easier to handle.
 
3.     Recognize That Your Relationship is Unique
What works in your relationship may look substantially different from other relationships in your family and your culture.  Our relationships are not created from a mold.  They are divinely sculpted and should look different in certain regards.  Developing strong boundaries to allow what works for your relationship is important.  You have created a one-of-a-kind entity called “YOUR family.”  Feed it what it needs to grow strong and survive.
 
4.     Make a Commitment to Manage Your Feelings
It may not be easy to address issues that create conflict in your relationship.  Utilizing timeouts when voices begin to elevate and emotions begin to roll will help keep the creative juices flowing.  Walk away for short periods of time to allow the emotional flooding to subside.  The brain cannot access creative channels when it is triggered emotionally.  It enters survival mode and all it can focus on is winning or retreating.  Consider making a full value contract with your partner and list what it means to be fully valued in a discussion about perpetual issues.  Be aware that the conversation may be charged and have an emergency response plan for the emotions that may surface.
 
Finding an issue stuck on repeat in your relationship is common and not the end.  Relationships are always evolving, and we all have perpetual issues.  Being able to participate in problem solving on a creative level and engaging in patience with grace along the way are key ingredients to happy and healthy lives.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

This spring, I purchased four new flowering shrubs. I envisioned blooms brightening my garden all summer long. However, it has been a hot and dry summer which hasn’t served my new shrubs well. I diligently watered them at first, went out of town and came back to intermittent watering. What I couldn’t see was how thirsty those poor roots were for more water than they were getting. As the first shrub started browning, I increased the watering schedule. Now all four are struggling to make it as I tend to them like a sick patient. Why am I telling you about my wilting shrubs?
 
Because the blooms of a well-watered garden are like the inner radiance of a well encouraged soul. How about that for an analogy? Just as I was looking forward to new flowers in my garden, we start a marriage or begin parenting anticipating all of the bright days ahead. We begin with good intentions and lots of “watering” of each other. At some point in relationships, people get a little thirsty to hear they are appreciated, to know they are loved. It is like fresh, cool water pouring over them giving them life. When our spouse hears more criticism than encouragement, they might start to wilt a bit. Our kids need daily doses of “plant food” to help them bloom. They need to know they are worth our time to play with them. They need grace when they make a mistake and encouragement it will go better next time. If your kids look like they are turning brown with anger, withdrawal or an antagonistic attitude, you might stop to think about the condition of their roots. Are they withering under a lack of affirmation? Are they thirsting to have someone listen to them without giving them advice?
 
We generally know our spouses well and when they are stressed out. We know the times when they could use a little Miracle Gro in their morning instead of dry neglect or harshness. What a difference it makes when we take the time to see their efforts, let them know they are loved and appreciated. What can you start doing to tend to your relationships to bring out the brightest smiles? The loudest laughter? The blooms of people who feel good about themselves? You don’t even need a watering can. Just speak life giving words of affirmation and encouragement.

by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Relationships are needy.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of elements to making a relationship successful.  Sometimes they effortlessly come together, but many times they take a lot of work.  Whether you are a corporate leader, small team leader, parent on the PTA, homemaker with a small tribe, or siblings trying to make things work, in my estimation effective communication is the most important element to any relationship.
 
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four traits that can guarantee, with high levels of accuracy, the demise of a relationship.  One of the four traits is defensiveness.  Defensive responses impede any progress that feedback was intended to create.  The good news is with some patience and communication skills we can give a difficult conversation every opportunity to achieve the desired results.
 
Frontload the conversation.  Frontloading is giving the receiver the chance to prepare for something that may be corrective in nature.  Don’t forget, we all think we are awesome, and we all think we are bringing our best every day.  So, hearing that we fell short will be disappointing.  When we know that difficult news is coming it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch as it is delivered.  We saw it coming and had a chance to brace for the impact the statement may carry.  In frontloading, we can also give the receiver the opportunity to invite the feedback when they are ready for it.  Remember, we all have baggage that we tote around from our personal lives.  The ability to invite feedback, negative or positive, gives the receiver a sense of control.  Here is how we frequently frontload conversations with our children.  “I know we are having so much fun at the park, but it is getting late, and we have to eat dinner.  How about just ten more minutes, then we have to go.”  This gives our little receiver a chance to decompress from whatever was just happening, as well as allowing them to prepare for something they do not desire.  This works with big people too!  I wonder why we stop using this strategy as people age?  Perhaps the need remains but the ensuing tantrum changes form.
 
Be direct about what you need while avoiding the word YOU.  We frequently use nonverbal social controls to convey our displeasure.  Perhaps our spouse gets a bit of the silent treatment for forgetting to do dishes.  Maybe a colleague is excluded from a meeting.  Maybe a teammate is benched for poor field performance.  In relationships, nonverbal social controls are avoidant and can lead to confusion and frustration.  Successful relationships utilize directness and gentle confrontations.  In a gentle confrontation, one is extremely careful not to use the word you which frequently triggers the launch of defensiveness (insert horror screaming here).  Gentle, yet direct feedback could be framed in a simple sentence structure you can pull out for nearly every situation and relationship.  It sounds like this, “I noticed _____________.  What I need is ___________.”  Here is how this can be applied in real life!  “When you have a second, there is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I would love to get your thoughts on it.”  If you observe part one of this exchange is the frontloading, you are comprehending what we are conveying.  “I noticed the dishes did not get washed and loaded into the dishwasher.  This makes me feel completely overwhelmed when I
come home.  I need some help accomplishing this task.”  In this example the statement offers personal observations, feelings, and a need without ever using the word you.  Remember not to use that word, or any derivative of.
 
What to do in an emergency.  One of the worst demonstrations of feeling criticized and defensive is with an emotional escalation.  When conflict reaches the point where we begin to emotionally elevate, we lose the ability to be rational.  This is supported by research and brain scans that show the portion of the brain responsible for rational thinking is under stimulated, or turned off during moments of fight or flight activation.  And guess what!  The portion of the brain responsible for fight or flight is now activated and in control when the yelling begins.  The ability to think through a problem or respond appropriately is impossible when the brain transitions to survival mode.  We cannot begin to problem solve when the brain is beginning to flood (literally with adrenaline and cortisol) and we must pause the conversation.  Typically, we can return to the confrontation after 30 minutes with restored brain functioning, and literally allow “cooler heads to prevail.”  This old saying was directly addressing the dumping of hormones released during fight or flight.  Any communication will be impeded by emotional flooding.  Old fashion timeouts give everyone an opportunity to reset, and proceed with restored brain processes.  Ask yourself, does this issue need an immediate fix, or can it wait?
 
Provide a soft landing place.  Preparing a place where people can turn is key to reducing defensiveness and criticism.  This soft landing place takes lots of preparation and maintenance.  It requires high levels of trust that comes from equal levels of altruism and support.  How you deal with negative feedback or conflict will set the stage for how your people will respond to your feedback.  Is it OK to disappoint you because you provide a place of forgiveness and understanding?  Or are you a grudge holder and ancient history comes alive during conflict?  Are you restorative, drawing a line and choosing a clean slate on the other side.  Or does processing conflict or negative feedback take an extended period of time.  I like to envision soft landing places looking like a dog.  Do you want to pet the dog that flops on her back and offers a soft belly?  Or the dog whose dander is up, tail is down, and is showing teeth?
 
Communication is central to all of our relationships and is a seminal part of each day.  Frontloading, being direct with observations and needs, allowing for timeouts when flooding, and providing a soft landing place are a few simple communication tactics that will produce results in your relationships.  These strategies are versatile, and can be applied to any type of relationship.  They take practice, and it may feel like learning a new language.  But it is worth learning a language that everyone will be able to hear more clearly.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I love logic. I love it because it’s, well, logical. It has order, reason, and common sense and, therefore, it’s awfully useful as we’re living our lives. Cheers to logic!
 
There is a pattern of thinking about relationships, though, that can masquerade in our mind as logical, but isn’t.
 
The thought pattern – allow me to exaggerate for emphasis – goes like this:
 

1. My loved one (spouse, boyfriend, parent, friend, brother, etc.) loves me.

 

1. When someone loves me, they should automatically know my every need, wish, desire, dream, thought and feeling regarding my relationship with them.

 

1. Therefore, it follows that I should not have to actually tell them any of these things. In fact, telling them these things means that anything they do to meet my needs doesn’t count, because they were tipped off. True love doesn’t require requests.

 
I indulged in hyperbole, but some form of this non sequitur can subtly slip into our psyche and sabotage our significant relationships. For example:
 

• An adult daughter craves deeper conversations with her dad. She barely hints at this, and he never ventures beyond the paternal pleasantries and platitudes, so she doesn’t realize that he desires the same thing. He fears overstepping in the relationship and thinks he is giving her space.

 

• A new husband would feel especially loved and supported if his wife would verbally appreciate him. He’s uncomfortable “having to ask for compliments” and feels like as his soulmate, she should naturally speak what his heart needs. In her family, homemade food and warm hugs convey love, and she doesn’t realize his unmet needs.

 
No matter how much someone loves us, they don’t have mindreading skills. There are many reasons why we have trouble accepting this. Our culture adores romanticized relationships, and the gritty work of communication isn’t dreamy. Our families of origin play a role, as do our insecurities. The help of a relationship counselor can help tease out what may be getting in the way of better communication and connection.
 
It's interesting to notice that our Heavenly Father loves us passionately, and already knows our needs, but still urges us to bring our requests to Him (Philippians 4:6) and says, “Ask, and it will be given to you…” (Matthew 7:7). He models relational logic we can embrace with our loved ones as well.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

For those old enough to remember the shows, “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “The King of Queens” you probably got some good laughs watching them. They were my favorite shows in their day. However, over time, I realized the general source of humor came from the husband doing something ill-advised, and then he either lied about it or exerted a ridiculous effort to try and hide it from his wife. While it made for good sitcoms, it will not make for a good marriage.
 
Some people view honesty on a spectrum. There are little white lies to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, the lie of omission when you withhold information intentionally and outright lies.
 
Little white lies are actually more dangerous than they appear, because a person becomes comfortable fudging on the truth when it’s convenient for them. It is also the kind of dishonesty parents are likely to practice in front of their children. So, kids learn it’s okay to tell little white lies about their age because mom and dad save some money on admission to the waterpark. Or a spouse may overhear a lie given to a boss to get out of work and wonder when their spouse is lying to them. Generally, they are not harmless and lead to problems and a lack of trust down the road.
 
When partners withhold information to spare the couple a fight, it is bound to surface eventually. It could be accumulating debt, problems at work, or even career plans made without consulting the other. Most people are angrier to find out that they have been actively left out of the loop on important information than they would have been if they heard about it from the beginning.
 
Outright lies are less frequent because they are so obviously damaging to a relationship. And yet they occur about spending, what spouses do with their buddies, how much alcohol was consumed, etc. 
 
The bottom line is trust. And when you violate someone’s trust, there really isn’t a spectrum to it. When you tell little lies, it leads to bigger lies. If your partner can’t trust you on the small stuff, how will they trust you on the really big stuff? Honesty is critical to emotional safety in a relationship. Do you have a reputation as being truthful? Reliable? Good on your word? What would your partner say?

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

If you have been married for some time, you may be looking back fondly on those tender years of dating and the first few years of marital bliss. Love came so easily. You couldn’t stop thinking about each other and all you wanted was to be together. You couldn’t wait to express loving words and actions to your beloved.  You long for those times as your attention seems to have shifted away from each other and on to the day to day demands of job and children.
 
How can those flames of earlier and better times be rekindled?  What does that familiar phrase, “love is a choice”, actually mean?
 
It is easy to give our spouse a Valentine’s card full of loving words. Although a card is nice, acting out those words of love would be an even better gift. Just what is it that would make your spouse feel loved? Hopefully you know by now! You may be thinking, “…but I am not feeling very loving toward him, and besides he doesn’t show me much love.”
 
For the Christian, we are commanded to love as we have been loved by Christ Himself.  We must choose to love in very practical ways and to strive to cherish our spouse, which is the ultimate form of love. Remember those vows, “to love and cherish?” To cherish is to hold your spouse in your heart as being dear; to care for them deeply, to treasure them. It is always dwelling on the good in them and acknowledging it. It is thinking about their needs more than your own. It is forgiving them. It is wanting to show your love in tangible ways.
 
What acts of love can you do? What words of love can you speak? The amazing thing is that once you start acting in love and speaking in loving ways, you might just begin feeling more loving toward your spouse. And your spouse just may begin responding to you in ways you would never have imagined!
 
Who does not want to feel cherished? What a wonderful gift to give this Valentine’s Day, from this day forward and forever more.