​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When couples come in for counseling, it has taken a lot for them to make that step. In some cases, they have endured years of conflict, poor communication, and frustration before they reach the counselor’s office. It is a big responsibility for a couple’s counselor to walk alongside them in their hurt, help them untangle the confusion, and work with them to bring them back to a healthy, loving connection.
 
In addition to the role of the counselor, the couple also plays a big part in the process of insight and growth. Most couples can be helped by counseling if they approach it with some key ingredients.
 
The first ingredient is a willingness to examine themselves individually to see what they might be contributing to their problems. If one comes in expecting their spouse to get fixed so they can have a happy marriage, it won’t work. Every partner has areas they can improve upon whether it’s being less critical, carving out more time for the other, or learning how to listen well to name a few. For faith-based couples, I would add prayer to this ingredient. Couples can pray to be open to change and ask for God’s guidance to lead them to deeper insight and understanding with their spouse.
 
The second key ingredient is genuinely working - in between appointments - on applying what was discussed during the counseling session. It can feel like an amazing breakthrough to learn new ways to communicate in session. But if the couple comes back after two weeks and they haven’t applied those new skills at all, it is difficult to see any progress. This is the couple’s relationship. They are paying money for support and help to address layers of issues that keep them unhappy. If they are not willing to spend time on assigned reading, exercises, etc., it can result in the counselor working harder than they are to improve their marriage.
 
The third ingredient is a commitment to consistent scheduling of sessions on the calendar. Ideally, any couple starting out in counseling will come several weeks in a row to build momentum. Many couples will then space it out to alternating weeks due to schedule or financial constraints. When a couple starts missing regular appointments, they can quickly lose ground. Bad habits resurface and both spouses become discouraged. It is unfortunate to see frequent cancelations that are the result of not prioritizing their commitment to counseling. A lack of commitment to consistency can significantly impact the progress - and ultimate success - of the counseling experience.
 
Most couples have really struggled before they arrive for counseling. Once they take the courageous step to get outside support, they play a very big part in whether the counseling will be helpful. They commit time, dollars, and emotional energy to the process. If they come with the above key ingredients, it is so likely that counseling will prove effective, and they will reap the benefits of a happier and healthier relationship.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

“What’s in a name?”, challenges Shakespeare’s Juliet. Since Romeo’s surname is the roadblock to their Renaissance romance, she’s arguing that a name is just a word and doesn’t have any real meaning. Nice try, Julie, but… no dice.
 
We could philosophize about this, and certainly Romeo was the heartthrob he was, no matter what was on the back of his jousting jersey. But we know names become imbued with meaning. Importantly, our own first name has special meaning to us. Whatever name we go by as we journey through this life; it represents us intimately.
 
So, we notice how others use our name. We noticed if our dad never bothered to use it or if our mom used it only in exasperation. We noticed if other kids turned our name into a taunt to make fun of us. We notice if people pronounce it correctly, if they spell it right, and if they remember it. We notice if someone takes undesired liberties and uses a shortened version or nickname.
 
Part of relating to people, and especially those closest to us, is being thoughtful about how we handle their name. Are we cherishing our teen’s name because we know it represents them as a person? Are we treating our husband or wife’s name as precious, knowing their ears are acutely attuned to how it sounds when we say it? Do we more often say our loved ones’ names cheerfully and playfully or with sternness or snark? Are we sometimes using their name as a weapon?
 
Sure, names serve a practical purpose. How else would we be able to tell Juliet it’s time to stop texting Romeo and go to bed? And certainly, some people are more sensitive than others to how their name is used. But, in general, we will better convey that we value someone if we value their name and how we use it. Will you be using anyone’s name today?

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It is easy to find ourselves wishing a relationship was closer, more comfortable, but not wanting to take the first step to make changes.

We view the relationship through the lens of our needs that are going unmet. Maybe a teen is being disrespectful, and it feels they aren’t interested in improving the relationship at all. Maybe a spouse is inconsiderate, and we build up resentment about the ways they wrong us. Or maybe it is a friend that has hurt you that just doesn’t seem to care as much anymore.

What keeps us from making the first step towards a better relationship? A lot of people who are hurting are now in protection mode. It feels risky to extend themselves in kindness and warmth in case they are rebuffed or rejected, again. Unfortunately, that keeps both parties locked in the mindset of “If they show a change of heart, then I will be softer, kinder, more patient, etc.” We hold out, unwilling to give them what they aren’t giving us.

What if we choose to come at it differently? What if we could step back and look at the long-term gain of a restored relationship that makes it worth the risk of reaching out? If we stay focused on what the other person is doing to hurt us, we will struggle to see what we are contributing to the problem. If we are open to examining our own behavior and looking for ways we can bring more respect, more tenderness, more patience, then we are addressing the aspects we can control. Even more, can we evaluate what we need from the other that is currently not happening? Once we make changes in our own behavior, the other party will likely be a bit more open to hearing what we are asking for from them. They cannot read our minds and do not know what our needs are if we don’t express them. Likewise, we are probably missing things they want from us, but we haven’t asked.

So, if your goal is to restore an important relationship that feels stuck in dysfunction, here are the suggested steps:
 

• Work on yourself first
• Express what you would like from them
• Ask what they would like more of or less of from you
• Keep doing your part even if you don’t see a big return from them

It is critical that you keep up your efforts of softening and respecting their needs if you want to see change. If you work one week on changes but don’t see the other one trying, do not give up! This will take time and the more consistently they see your efforts, the more likely they are to do the same.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”                  Galatians 6:9

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

“It is a luxury to be understood,” wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson. This rings as true now as it likely did when he penned it in the 1800s. We humans long to be understood. We yearn for the people in our lives to “get” us. When they do, we feel not just heard, but known. This heals our hearts and settles our souls.
 
Psychology has a name for the delivery of this understanding to another person: “validation.” When we validate someone, we convey with our words, tone, and expression that we understand them. Not just on the surface, but on the deeper levels where their unique logic and meaning mingle and their feelings form. We communicate that how they are thinking and feeling makes sense.
 
So how exactly do we do this? Let’s look at what validation IS NOT, as well as what it is:
 
Validation Is Not Agreement – It is a common misunderstanding that to validate someone is to agree with them or approve of their thinking. This is understandable because the word valid means “logically correct.” But this is not what we mean when we are talking about psychological validation. We are not saying another person’s thoughts and feelings are correct – or right or good. Rather, we are saying we can understand how they are seeing and experiencing things. We reflect what is TRUE FOR THEM.
 
Validation is Not Easy – We must listen with not only our ears but also our heart and mind, attending to the person’s words as well as their nonverbal communication. We must then show that we really understand how they see and feel things through their unique lens.
 
Validation is a Skill You Can Build – A regular part of my work is helping clients improve their relationships by building validation skills. Therapists can help illuminate ways you are missing rich opportunities for connection or interacting in ways that are invalidating and damaging.
 
Validation is Worth It – Can you remember a time when someone really “got” you? Maybe they suggested the feeling you were feeling without you even saying it, or they said that based on what they knew about you, they could understand why you were especially upset (or excited, nervous, resentful, etc.). It usually feels wonderful to be validated.
 
Consider how you might validate your loved ones and, as Emerson said, give them the “luxury” of understanding.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

As Valentine’s Day approaches, it’s tempting to think romance will materialize out of thin air like a box of dark chocolates.

​However, if your relationship isn’t characterized as affectionate, romantic or even connected, don’t expect fireworks on February 14th. The truth is, real romance is a day-by-day effort. Have you heard the old saying, “…sex begins in the kitchen”? It could be expanded to say “…sex begins in the laundry room, the kid’s bathroom at bath time and in the kitchen doing the dishes…” The more each spouse feels cared for, supported and a part of a team, the more affection and romance can blossom.
 
Did you know there is research that says the more a couple engages in non-sexual touch, the better their sex life is? It makes sense though. If you frequently reach for your partner’s hand, easily greet one another with a kiss and snuggling is the norm, then you’re probably emotionally and physically connected. If the only time a wife receives a hug is when she gets ‘the look’, it’s not really romance. It’s more like an obligation than a mutually exciting idea.
 
Romance doesn’t have to be for movie stars and 20 somethings. It’s in the little things. Romance is learning his or her love language and then speaking it regularly. Not just on special events. Does she feel loved with affirming words? Leave her a hand written note telling her how much you appreciate all she does for the family. Does he crave quality time? Suggest an activity like his favorite donut shop on Saturday morning without the cell phones on. Does she feel loved through gifts? Bring her flowers on any day that’s not a holiday. If he feels loved through acts of service or touch, you could combine those with a back rub! The idea here is that you are looking for ways to show you care, you’re pursuing them in the way they feel most loved.
 
When you create a relationship atmosphere that’s creative, courteous and fun, it makes romance and intimacy just another extension of what’s already in the air.

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Conflict, and its offspring avoidance, plague many great relationships in our culture.  Left to fester, they are like a cancer that erodes any bond, and contributes to major complications moving forward.  Left unresolved, conflict and avoidance can lead to the death of any great relationship.  Luckily, you can manage conflict like a pro in just five easy steps!
 
1)     Acknowledge:  Acknowledging how your family handled conflict in the past might be half the battle.  Frequently, conflict experienced in the nuclear home growing up consisted of emotional elevations, tirades, and even violence.  This is very salient to how you may see conflict in the here and now, and will influence how you will develop your own style of managing conflict.  Conflict can feel unsafe, even scary, because you may have grown up “walking on eggshells” trying to avoid volatile responses to conflict.  Or perhaps you fear you own reaction to conflict because the modeled reaction was maladaptive.  Understanding your past and processing its significance with a professional counselor is half of the battle to understanding and managing your own beliefs and reactions to conflict.
 
2)     Reframe:  Reframing the way you perceive conflict is also very impactful.  Conflict is normal, and a healthy part of any relationship.  Conflict adds the spice that makes the relationship exciting!  Consider, if there was complete agreement about every subject matter with no dissenting opinion, conversations would be very short and run dry quickly.  Having a spirited conversation with different points of view is what connects us emotionally and broadens our outlooks.  Well managed conflict is natural inside of relationships… so don’t be afraid and avoid the discourse.  It is actually a good thing!
 
3)     Run Through It, Not Around It:  Be intentionally vigilant for patterns of avoidance, and commit to fruitfully running into conflict.  A fruitful jog into conflict is the ability to express how you are experiencing a person or situation, and asking for what you need to resolve your negative feelings.  Fruitfully running through the problem also means the recipient is able to provide a safe place for your concerns to land.  Again, this may take professional modeling provided by a licensed counselor.
 
4)     Understand Your Style: Do you fight to win? Or do you placate and avoid?  Gaining insight on your style of managing feelings related to conflict is powerful.  Knowing your conflict style will help you to correct learned behaviors that seem helpful in the moment, but will prove to be harmful down the road.  Working toward collaboration during conflict meets the needs of all, and is the style that is most effective for relationships.
 
5)     For Emergency Use:  When conflict goes wrong, engage in sincere apologies.  Fruitful conflict is not intended to be hurtful.  Apologizing for contributing to someone’s emotional pain does not negate, refute, or otherwise alter your stance, belief, or observation.  Example: “I am really sorry this was hurtful.  That was never my intent.”  Consider agreeing to respectfully disagree and move on, or revisit when emotions have leveled.

​by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Before the pandemic, online dating was already growing exponentially.

Today, in part because of the massive shift to virtual we’ve undertaken as a society, there are few single people who aren’t using dating apps in their search for connection. While some of them will absolutely find what they’re looking for, the reality is that online dating is still not the most effective way to meet a long-term partner. For all its convenience and ease, there are a few drawbacks when dating apps are our only way of trying to meet people.
 
One downside to dating apps is that they’re a numbers game: with that many people to choose from, your chances of meeting someone really compatible are just mathematically lower. A study from Michigan State University found that relationships that start online are 28% more likely to end within the first year than relationships that started in person. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find lasting love online: depending on the survey, 7-20% of people who are married or in committed relationships met online. Still, the flip side of that statistic is that 80-93% of them did not meet online. We can’t always rely on numbers when it comes to love…but that math is pretty convincing.
 
Relatedly, the sheer number of people to choose from on dating apps leads to the psychological phenomenon: decision paralysis. Decision paralysis is when it becomes difficult to make a decision, because we’re afraid of making the wrong choice. Think of going shopping for a new pair of shoes at a small boutique compared to shopping online. Online, there are literally millions of options! You might find a pair you really like…but what if you scroll just a little further? There’s a chance you’ll see something even better—it’s probably best to keep looking just in case. At the boutique, maybe you’ll see a couple dozen pairs, and one or two that you really like. The decision is much easier, simply because you don’t have that fear of missing something better lingering in the back of your mind. Choosing a partner is, of course, much more complicated than choosing a pair of shoes (spot the Clueless reference), but the basic principles of decision paralysis still apply.
 
Despite these pitfalls, it remains true that dating apps make it convenient and easy to meet people. The question becomes whether that convenience and ease is worth the potential downsides. And to get even more existential and possibly romantic about it: Do we really want finding love to be convenient and easy? Wouldn’t it be more fun if it were a bit more mysterious, spontaneous, or surprising? As human beings, we like these aspects in our romantic lives. It gives our social interactions, romantic or otherwise, meaning. Spontaneity and mystery absolutely can and do exist in a virtual space too—but once again the numbers are just working against us online.
 
So, what’s the next step? In my work with clients interested in dating, a great way to get the best results while using dating apps is to be intentional about also trying to meet people in person. You don’t need to stop using dating apps (unless they’re really stressing you out). An easy way to start is to hang out at the same café, library, or similar public space by yourself for a few weeks. Studies show that seeing the same people in the same place consistently is a recipe for forming both friendships and romantic relationships. Think of how easy it was to make friends in school, when you’d see the same people every day—the same concept applies. It doesn’t have to be one of the specific places mentioned—any setting that allows you to interact with people over time in a physical space will do. Even if you’re still using Hinge, intentionally putting yourself in these physical spaces with people will keep you in tune with your fellow humans, feed your basic need to interact with others, and increase your chances of meeting someone truly compatible with you. Yes, it’s scarier at first! But isn’t that sometimes a sign of things that are worth it? And, bonus: even if you don’t find a partner right away, you will find a greater sense of confidence and ease in yourself.   
 
Dating and relationships are complicated—and working on these goals in therapy can also be highly effective—but there are a few ways to boost your chances. Whether the math of it all appeals to you, or you’re just craving a little more mystery, making the choice to intentionally try meeting people in person might be the magic you’re looking for. 

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Marriage creates many changes for couples.  But some things stay the same.  For example, what we perceive as defects in our partner do not auto correct simply because of the “I do’s.”  Frequently the things that couples fight about when dating are the same things they fight about when they are married or cohabitating.  Maybe you have felt like there is a conflict that is ‘stuck on repeat’ in your relationship.  These repeating conflicts are a couple’s perpetual issues.
 
Perpetual issues are trigger points that begin when people meet and persist throughout the duration of the relationship.  Couples that marry or cohabitate hoping that the new level of investment in the relationship will “fix” an issue that existed at lower levels of relational commitment, are often shocked and disappointed when they realize that the perceived character flaw is actually a trait.  For example, an individual who loves the nightlife and does not “grow out of” the scene because they are married, may bring an element of disappointment to the spouse that now desires a quiet night at home.  95% of all couples have perpetual issues, and the other 5% are in denial about their perpetual issues.  This isn’t an actual statistic, but at some level all couples experience repeating conflict that just doesn’t seem to go away.  At best, one person in the relationship fakes it until they make it, but that avoidance can lead to resentment.  Here are four ways to manage your relationship’s perpetual issues.
 
1.     Acknowledge Your Perpetual Issues
It is difficult to work on solutions to a problem if you do not know what the problem is.  Having a perpetual issue does not mean your marriage is in trouble, it means your marriage is normal.  Do not allow shame to force you into denying your relationship is human and susceptible to life’s stressors.  Consider creating a name for your issue so that it can be viewed as separate from your relationship.  Perhaps a name can even add levity to something that is bothersome.
 
2.     Work Towards Creative Ways to Cope with Your Differences
This may be the key to a successful relationship!  Perhaps one person squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, whereas the other likes to take from the middle.  Having two toothpaste tubes with your names on it does not represent the end of the world or the end of your relationship.  It represents a couple that has found a way to deal with conflict.  If someone still enjoys the nightlife and the other relishes sleep, perhaps a specific night of the week can be reserved for late night festivities.  Finding unique and creative ways to smooth out these rough edges in your relationship makes the issue easier to handle.
 
3.     Recognize That Your Relationship is Unique
What works in your relationship may look substantially different from other relationships in your family and your culture.  Our relationships are not created from a mold.  They are divinely sculpted and should look different in certain regards.  Developing strong boundaries to allow what works for your relationship is important.  You have created a one-of-a-kind entity called “YOUR family.”  Feed it what it needs to grow strong and survive.
 
4.     Make a Commitment to Manage Your Feelings
It may not be easy to address issues that create conflict in your relationship.  Utilizing timeouts when voices begin to elevate and emotions begin to roll will help keep the creative juices flowing.  Walk away for short periods of time to allow the emotional flooding to subside.  The brain cannot access creative channels when it is triggered emotionally.  It enters survival mode and all it can focus on is winning or retreating.  Consider making a full value contract with your partner and list what it means to be fully valued in a discussion about perpetual issues.  Be aware that the conversation may be charged and have an emergency response plan for the emotions that may surface.
 
Finding an issue stuck on repeat in your relationship is common and not the end.  Relationships are always evolving, and we all have perpetual issues.  Being able to participate in problem solving on a creative level and engaging in patience with grace along the way are key ingredients to happy and healthy lives.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

This spring, I purchased four new flowering shrubs. I envisioned blooms brightening my garden all summer long. However, it has been a hot and dry summer which hasn’t served my new shrubs well. I diligently watered them at first, went out of town and came back to intermittent watering. What I couldn’t see was how thirsty those poor roots were for more water than they were getting. As the first shrub started browning, I increased the watering schedule. Now all four are struggling to make it as I tend to them like a sick patient. Why am I telling you about my wilting shrubs?
 
Because the blooms of a well-watered garden are like the inner radiance of a well encouraged soul. How about that for an analogy? Just as I was looking forward to new flowers in my garden, we start a marriage or begin parenting anticipating all of the bright days ahead. We begin with good intentions and lots of “watering” of each other. At some point in relationships, people get a little thirsty to hear they are appreciated, to know they are loved. It is like fresh, cool water pouring over them giving them life. When our spouse hears more criticism than encouragement, they might start to wilt a bit. Our kids need daily doses of “plant food” to help them bloom. They need to know they are worth our time to play with them. They need grace when they make a mistake and encouragement it will go better next time. If your kids look like they are turning brown with anger, withdrawal or an antagonistic attitude, you might stop to think about the condition of their roots. Are they withering under a lack of affirmation? Are they thirsting to have someone listen to them without giving them advice?
 
We generally know our spouses well and when they are stressed out. We know the times when they could use a little Miracle Gro in their morning instead of dry neglect or harshness. What a difference it makes when we take the time to see their efforts, let them know they are loved and appreciated. What can you start doing to tend to your relationships to bring out the brightest smiles? The loudest laughter? The blooms of people who feel good about themselves? You don’t even need a watering can. Just speak life giving words of affirmation and encouragement.

by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Relationships are needy.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of elements to making a relationship successful.  Sometimes they effortlessly come together, but many times they take a lot of work.  Whether you are a corporate leader, small team leader, parent on the PTA, homemaker with a small tribe, or siblings trying to make things work, in my estimation effective communication is the most important element to any relationship.
 
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four traits that can guarantee, with high levels of accuracy, the demise of a relationship.  One of the four traits is defensiveness.  Defensive responses impede any progress that feedback was intended to create.  The good news is with some patience and communication skills we can give a difficult conversation every opportunity to achieve the desired results.
 
Frontload the conversation.  Frontloading is giving the receiver the chance to prepare for something that may be corrective in nature.  Don’t forget, we all think we are awesome, and we all think we are bringing our best every day.  So, hearing that we fell short will be disappointing.  When we know that difficult news is coming it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch as it is delivered.  We saw it coming and had a chance to brace for the impact the statement may carry.  In frontloading, we can also give the receiver the opportunity to invite the feedback when they are ready for it.  Remember, we all have baggage that we tote around from our personal lives.  The ability to invite feedback, negative or positive, gives the receiver a sense of control.  Here is how we frequently frontload conversations with our children.  “I know we are having so much fun at the park, but it is getting late, and we have to eat dinner.  How about just ten more minutes, then we have to go.”  This gives our little receiver a chance to decompress from whatever was just happening, as well as allowing them to prepare for something they do not desire.  This works with big people too!  I wonder why we stop using this strategy as people age?  Perhaps the need remains but the ensuing tantrum changes form.
 
Be direct about what you need while avoiding the word YOU.  We frequently use nonverbal social controls to convey our displeasure.  Perhaps our spouse gets a bit of the silent treatment for forgetting to do dishes.  Maybe a colleague is excluded from a meeting.  Maybe a teammate is benched for poor field performance.  In relationships, nonverbal social controls are avoidant and can lead to confusion and frustration.  Successful relationships utilize directness and gentle confrontations.  In a gentle confrontation, one is extremely careful not to use the word you which frequently triggers the launch of defensiveness (insert horror screaming here).  Gentle, yet direct feedback could be framed in a simple sentence structure you can pull out for nearly every situation and relationship.  It sounds like this, “I noticed _____________.  What I need is ___________.”  Here is how this can be applied in real life!  “When you have a second, there is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I would love to get your thoughts on it.”  If you observe part one of this exchange is the frontloading, you are comprehending what we are conveying.  “I noticed the dishes did not get washed and loaded into the dishwasher.  This makes me feel completely overwhelmed when I
come home.  I need some help accomplishing this task.”  In this example the statement offers personal observations, feelings, and a need without ever using the word you.  Remember not to use that word, or any derivative of.
 
What to do in an emergency.  One of the worst demonstrations of feeling criticized and defensive is with an emotional escalation.  When conflict reaches the point where we begin to emotionally elevate, we lose the ability to be rational.  This is supported by research and brain scans that show the portion of the brain responsible for rational thinking is under stimulated, or turned off during moments of fight or flight activation.  And guess what!  The portion of the brain responsible for fight or flight is now activated and in control when the yelling begins.  The ability to think through a problem or respond appropriately is impossible when the brain transitions to survival mode.  We cannot begin to problem solve when the brain is beginning to flood (literally with adrenaline and cortisol) and we must pause the conversation.  Typically, we can return to the confrontation after 30 minutes with restored brain functioning, and literally allow “cooler heads to prevail.”  This old saying was directly addressing the dumping of hormones released during fight or flight.  Any communication will be impeded by emotional flooding.  Old fashion timeouts give everyone an opportunity to reset, and proceed with restored brain processes.  Ask yourself, does this issue need an immediate fix, or can it wait?
 
Provide a soft landing place.  Preparing a place where people can turn is key to reducing defensiveness and criticism.  This soft landing place takes lots of preparation and maintenance.  It requires high levels of trust that comes from equal levels of altruism and support.  How you deal with negative feedback or conflict will set the stage for how your people will respond to your feedback.  Is it OK to disappoint you because you provide a place of forgiveness and understanding?  Or are you a grudge holder and ancient history comes alive during conflict?  Are you restorative, drawing a line and choosing a clean slate on the other side.  Or does processing conflict or negative feedback take an extended period of time.  I like to envision soft landing places looking like a dog.  Do you want to pet the dog that flops on her back and offers a soft belly?  Or the dog whose dander is up, tail is down, and is showing teeth?
 
Communication is central to all of our relationships and is a seminal part of each day.  Frontloading, being direct with observations and needs, allowing for timeouts when flooding, and providing a soft landing place are a few simple communication tactics that will produce results in your relationships.  These strategies are versatile, and can be applied to any type of relationship.  They take practice, and it may feel like learning a new language.  But it is worth learning a language that everyone will be able to hear more clearly.