More Than Words

by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Remember the old 90’s song More Than Words, by Extreme?  It was that heart stopping moment at all high school and middle school dances for years!  The enduring love song that pulled every teenage guy and girl to the dance floor with that special someone.
 
Turns out Nuno Battencourt and Gary Cherone were really onto something with their hit song.  In the first stanza of music, Cherone sings, “...how easy it would be to show you how I feel.”  Showing how we feel is exactly what we do!  In fact, researchers suggest that up to 75% of what we say is shown to others via non-verbal communication.  In some instances, it is suggested that 90% is more accurate.  That’s a whole lot more than words!  For example, when the above-mentioned special song was played, and that special someone pulled you kicking and screaming onto the dance floor, what was being said, or communicated, in that moment?  Perhaps the non-verbal communication revealed an attraction?  Or maybe you were the last person left standing.  That is what makes this type of communication especially difficult.  It has to be interpreted.  You may be thinking, “She loves me!!!”  Meanwhile she is really communicating, “Ugh… he’ll have to do.”
 
The world of communication is complex and affected by cultural experience as well.  In American culture, looking someone in the eye affirmatively depicts respect, and attention.  In other cultures, looking away is that signal of respect.  Look an animal in the eye… a challenge!
 
You may be freaked out by the realization of all that you have communicated non-verbally recently, and want to know how not to hemorrhage any more friends?!  Excellent question!  How do we affirmatively communicate with people?  First, think about what you want from the interaction. Maybe most important — keep the phone in your pocket or purse.  If it goes off… IGNORE IT!  That choice speaks non-verbal volumes.  It says to the communication partner that they are more important than whatever is on that device.  Maintain eye contact (don’t you dare look down at that phone), and nod at your communication partner when you understand what they are saying.  I wonder what we communicate to others when we give in to temptation and examine our phones in their presence? 
 
The ability to maintain an awareness of the things that you communicate that are far more than words is a valuable interpersonal communication skill.

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