On Dating Apps, Math, and Finding Love

Relationships and Marriage

Think for a moment about how you would respond to the prompt, “I am….”? What came to mind first? If you are like most people, you likely thought about yourself in relation to others. Simply stated, we think of who we are by the roles and titles that define our relationships: “…a wife …a teacher …a father...” Most of us define who we are by the relationships we are in.

And yet, relationships are HARD. The majority of clients, couples, and families who come into our counseling practice are almost always struggling in one way or another with a relationship in their lives. Relationship counseling can provide a safe setting in which to unravel hurts from the past, learn healthier communication skills, and resolve conflict in ways that restore honor and respect in the relationship.

Marriage counseling is one of the cornerstones of our services here at Trinity. Whether you are planning to marry, newly wed, or have spent the better part of a lifetime together, our counselors are here to offer guidance to strengthen and empower you as a couple. If your marriage has simply hit a bump along the road, or you are wondering if you can stay in it even another minute; we can help.

On Dating Apps, Math, and Finding Love

10/3/2022

by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Before the pandemic, online dating was already growing exponentially.

Today, in part because of the massive shift to virtual we’ve undertaken as a society, there are few single people who aren’t using dating apps in their search for connection. While some of them will absolutely find what they’re looking for, the reality is that online dating is still not the most effective way to meet a long-term partner. For all its convenience and ease, there are a few drawbacks when dating apps are our only way of trying to meet people.

One downside to dating apps is that they’re a numbers game: with that many people to choose from, your chances of meeting someone really compatible are just mathematically lower. A study from Michigan State University found that relationships that start online are 28% more likely to end within the first year than relationships that started in person. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find lasting love online: depending on the survey, 7-20% of people who are married or in committed relationships met online. Still, the flip side of that statistic is that 80-93% of them did not meet online. We can’t always rely on numbers when it comes to love…but that math is pretty convincing.

Relatedly, the sheer number of people to choose from on dating apps leads to the psychological phenomenon: decision paralysis. Decision paralysis is when it becomes difficult to make a decision, because we’re afraid of making the wrong choice. Think of going shopping for a new pair of shoes at a small boutique compared to shopping online. Online, there are literally millions of options! You might find a pair you really like…but what if you scroll just a little further? There’s a chance you’ll see something even better—it’s probably best to keep looking just in case. At the boutique, maybe you’ll see a couple dozen pairs, and one or two that you really like. The decision is much easier, simply because you don’t have that fear of missing something better lingering in the back of your mind. Choosing a partner is, of course, much more complicated than choosing a pair of shoes (spot the Clueless reference), but the basic principles of decision paralysis still apply.

Despite these pitfalls, it remains true that dating apps make it convenient and easy to meet people. The question becomes whether that convenience and ease is worth the potential downsides. And to get even more existential and possibly romantic about it: Do we really want finding love to be convenient and easy? Wouldn’t it be more fun if it were a bit more mysterious, spontaneous, or surprising? As human beings, we like these aspects in our romantic lives. It gives our social interactions, romantic or otherwise, meaning. Spontaneity and mystery absolutely can and do exist in a virtual space too—but once again the numbers are just working against us online.

So, what’s the next step? In my work with clients interested in dating, a great way to get the best results while using dating apps is to be intentional about also trying to meet people in person. You don’t need to stop using dating apps (unless they’re really stressing you out). An easy way to start is to hang out at the same café, library, or similar public space by yourself for a few weeks. Studies show that seeing the same people in the same place consistently is a recipe for forming both friendships and romantic relationships. Think of how easy it was to make friends in school, when you’d see the same people every day—the same concept applies. It doesn’t have to be one of the specific places mentioned—any setting that allows you to interact with people over time in a physical space will do. Even if you’re still using Hinge, intentionally putting yourself in these physical spaces with people will keep you in tune with your fellow humans, feed your basic need to interact with others, and increase your chances of meeting someone truly compatible with you. Yes, it’s scarier at first! But isn’t that sometimes a sign of things that are worth it? And, bonus: even if you don’t find a partner right away, you will find a greater sense of confidence and ease in yourself.

Dating and relationships are complicated—and working on these goals in therapy can also be highly effective—but there are a few ways to boost your chances. Whether the math of it all appeals to you, or you’re just craving a little more mystery, making the choice to intentionally try meeting people in person might be the magic you’re looking for.