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Relationships and Marriage

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Think for a moment about how you would respond to the prompt, “I am….”? What came to mind first? If you are like most people, you likely thought about yourself in relation to others. Simply stated, we think of who we are by the roles and titles that define our relationships: “…a wife …a teacher …a father...” Most of us define who we are by the relationships we are in.
 
And yet, relationships are HARD. The majority of clients, couples, and families who come into our counseling practice are almost always struggling in one way or another with a relationship in their lives. Relationship counseling can provide a safe setting in which to unravel hurts from the past, learn healthier communication skills, and resolve conflict in ways that restore honor and respect in the relationship.
 
Marriage counseling is one of the cornerstones of our services here at Trinity. Whether you are planning to marry, newly wed, or have spent the better part of a lifetime together, our counselors are here to offer guidance to strengthen and empower you as a couple. If your marriage has simply hit a bump along the road, or you are wondering if you can stay in it even another minute; we can help.

Counseling Insights and Articles About Relationships & Marriage:

Reconcile the Hurt Through God, Humility, Communication and Therapy, by Wendy Warner
The Devastating Impact of Porn, by Wendy Warner
Will I Ever be OK After this Breakup?, by Sherrie Darnell
Conflict Communication: Word Choice Matters, by Wendy Warner
Is Your Relationship Difficult or Destructive?  How to Determine the Best Option for Counseling, by Shelley Kruszewski
"Yeah, but...", by Wendy Warner
God’s Good Gift of Sex: What Has Gone Wrong? A Christian Perspective, by Deb Toering
Communicate in the Present, not from the Past, by Wendy Warner
Key Ingredients to Successful Couples Counseling, by Wendy Warner
Will You Be Using Anyone’s Name Today?, by Sherrie Darnell
Let’s Be Nicer to Each Other. You Go First., by Wendy Warner
Validation: Show People You "Get Them", by Sherrie Darnell
You Could Have a Romantic Valentine’s Day, by Wendy Warner
Five Helpful Steps To Managing Conflict, by Dave Papandrea
On Dating Apps, Math, and Finding Love, by Liza Hinchey
Tips For Managing Your Relationship's Perpetual Issues, by Dave Papandrea
Are Your Relationships Well Watered Or Wilting?, by Wendy Warner
Communication For Successful Relationships, Dave Papandrea
A Lapse In Relational Logic, by Sherrie Darnell
Honesty In Relationships, by Wendy Warner
The Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ever, by Deb Toering
More Than Words, by Dave Papandrea
Use of ‘Time Out’ in Couple Relationships, by Tonya Ratliff
Humble Listening = Productive Communication, by Wendy Warner
Be Careful Your Marriage Doesn't Fall Prey To Infidelity, by Wendy Warner
Five Possible Reasons To Seek Marital Help, by Wendy Warner
Acceptance Versus Comparison, by Wendy Warner
Staying Connected To Your Spouse... Even When You're Stressed [VIDEO], by Wendy Warner
The Healing Power of Listening, Deb Toering
​Encouraging Words for Disappointed Brides and Grooms, by Wendy Warner
Will Our Marriage Ever Be Back To Normal?, by Deb Toering
Maybe Tonight Dear, Because I Love You, by Wendy Warner
Unforgiveness In Marriage, by Deb Toering
Boundaries: Your Emotional Property Lines, by Tonya Ratliff
V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E, by Wendy Warner
A Healthy Plan For Every Marriage, by Wendy Warner
Family Of Origin: We Don't Get To Choose, by Tonya Ratliff
Planning A Marriage Is More Important Than Planning A Wedding, by Wendy Warner
Are You Clothed In Kindness?, by Wendy Warner
​Conflict Is So Hard At Times!, by Wendy Warner
Happy Day After Valentine’s Day, by Wendy Warner
The Thieves Who Silence Us, by Deb Toering
Is It Really Just A Friendly Conversation?, by Wendy Warner
The Havoc of ADHD in Marriage, by Deb Toering
Social Media Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, by Deb Toering
Can I Trust You?, by Wendy Warner
Do You Understand Me? Do You Care About Me?, by Wendy Warner
Lost in Translation: How a Fight With Your Spouse Blocks the Real Message, by Wendy Warner
That Really Hurt…, by Deb Toering
​When Is the Right Time to Call a Couples Counselor?, by Wendy Warner
Is There Hope After an Affair?, by Deb Toering
Please! NO Assumptions!, by Deb Toering
Do You Pursue or Withdraw When in Conflict?, by Wendy Warner
The Value of a Shared History, by Tonya Ratliff
Please Listen to Me, Don’t Dismiss Me, by Wendy Warner
Help! My Spouse Has ADHD!!, by Deb Toering
The Power of Our Words, by Tonya Ratliff
Is Your Marriage Vulnerable to An Intruder?, by Wendy Warner
I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife, by Wendy Warner
Just One Thing Can Change Everything, by Deb Toering
Feeling Disrespected in a Relationship?, by Wendy Warner
“Good Things Come to Those Who Wait”, by Wendy Warner
Is Anyone Listening?, by Deb Toering
The Power of “I”, by Tonya Ratliff
Staying Close in Spite of Conflict, by Wendy Warner
Getting Help When Your Marriage is No Longer a Fairy Tale, by Wendy Warner
Words That Breathe Life, by Deb Toering
The Beauty of a Walk, by Wendy Warner
Love, Honor and Cherish… Today, by Wendy Warner
The Speck that Infects a Relationship, by Deb Toering
Patience and Respect are Key to Relationships, by Wendy Warner
Spring Cleaning, by Tonya Ratliff
The Secret to Staying Connected to Your Spouse, by Wendy Warner
Family Holidays: Havoc or Harmony?, by Wendy Warner
Satisfied Couples Do Conflict Differently, by Wendy Warner
PREMARITAL COUNSELING: The Art of Learning How to Live With and Love Each Other, by Deb Toering

On Dating Apps, Math, and Finding Love

10/3/2022

 
​by Liza Hinchey, PhD, LPC
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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.
Before the pandemic, online dating was already growing exponentially.

Today, in part because of the massive shift to virtual we’ve undertaken as a society, there are few single people who aren’t using dating apps in their search for connection. While some of them will absolutely find what they’re looking for, the reality is that online dating is still not the most effective way to meet a long-term partner. For all its convenience and ease, there are a few drawbacks when dating apps are our only way of trying to meet people.
 
One downside to dating apps is that they’re a numbers game: with that many people to choose from, your chances of meeting someone really compatible are just mathematically lower. A study from Michigan State University found that relationships that start online are 28% more likely to end within the first year than relationships that started in person. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible to find lasting love online: depending on the survey, 7-20% of people who are married or in committed relationships met online. Still, the flip side of that statistic is that 80-93% of them did not meet online. We can’t always rely on numbers when it comes to love…but that math is pretty convincing.
 
Relatedly, the sheer number of people to choose from on dating apps leads to the psychological phenomenon: decision paralysis. Decision paralysis is when it becomes difficult to make a decision, because we’re afraid of making the wrong choice. Think of going shopping for a new pair of shoes at a small boutique compared to shopping online. Online, there are literally millions of options! You might find a pair you really like…but what if you scroll just a little further? There’s a chance you’ll see something even better—it’s probably best to keep looking just in case. At the boutique, maybe you’ll see a couple dozen pairs, and one or two that you really like. The decision is much easier, simply because you don’t have that fear of missing something better lingering in the back of your mind. Choosing a partner is, of course, much more complicated than choosing a pair of shoes (spot the Clueless reference), but the basic principles of decision paralysis still apply.
 
Despite these pitfalls, it remains true that dating apps make it convenient and easy to meet people. The question becomes whether that convenience and ease is worth the potential downsides. And to get even more existential and possibly romantic about it: Do we really want finding love to be convenient and easy? Wouldn’t it be more fun if it were a bit more mysterious, spontaneous, or surprising? As human beings, we like these aspects in our romantic lives. It gives our social interactions, romantic or otherwise, meaning. Spontaneity and mystery absolutely can and do exist in a virtual space too—but once again the numbers are just working against us online.
 
So, what’s the next step? In my work with clients interested in dating, a great way to get the best results while using dating apps is to be intentional about also trying to meet people in person. You don’t need to stop using dating apps (unless they’re really stressing you out). An easy way to start is to hang out at the same café, library, or similar public space by yourself for a few weeks. Studies show that seeing the same people in the same place consistently is a recipe for forming both friendships and romantic relationships. Think of how easy it was to make friends in school, when you’d see the same people every day—the same concept applies. It doesn’t have to be one of the specific places mentioned—any setting that allows you to interact with people over time in a physical space will do. Even if you’re still using Hinge, intentionally putting yourself in these physical spaces with people will keep you in tune with your fellow humans, feed your basic need to interact with others, and increase your chances of meeting someone truly compatible with you. Yes, it’s scarier at first! But isn’t that sometimes a sign of things that are worth it? And, bonus: even if you don’t find a partner right away, you will find a greater sense of confidence and ease in yourself.   
 
Dating and relationships are complicated—and working on these goals in therapy can also be highly effective—but there are a few ways to boost your chances. Whether the math of it all appeals to you, or you’re just craving a little more mystery, making the choice to intentionally try meeting people in person might be the magic you’re looking for. 


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  • Home
  • Areas of Specialization
    • The Counseling Process
    • Christian Counseling
    • Anxiety and Depression
    • Self-Care
    • Relationships and Marriage
    • Grief and Loss
    • Family Counseling
    • Divorce
    • Remarriage and Blended Families
    • Parenting Counseling
    • Children and Adolescents Counseling
    • ADHD Counseling
    • Counseling for First Responders
    • Grief Group - Free to the Community
  • Our Counselors
    • Tonya Ratliff
    • Deb Toering
    • Wendy Warner
    • Liza Hinchey
    • Dave Papandrea
    • Sherrie Darnell
    • Shelley Kruszewski
    • Brian Perry
  • Fees for Services
  • LLC Supervision