Use of ‘Time Out’ in Couple Relationships

Relationships and Marriage

Think for a moment about how you would respond to the prompt, “I am….”? What came to mind first? If you are like most people, you likely thought about yourself in relation to others. Simply stated, we think of who we are by the roles and titles that define our relationships: “…a wife …a teacher …a father...” Most of us define who we are by the relationships we are in.

And yet, relationships are HARD. The majority of clients, couples, and families who come into our counseling practice are almost always struggling in one way or another with a relationship in their lives. Relationship counseling can provide a safe setting in which to unravel hurts from the past, learn healthier communication skills, and resolve conflict in ways that restore honor and respect in the relationship.

Marriage counseling is one of the cornerstones of our services here at Trinity. Whether you are planning to marry, newly wed, or have spent the better part of a lifetime together, our counselors are here to offer guidance to strengthen and empower you as a couple. If your marriage has simply hit a bump along the road, or you are wondering if you can stay in it even another minute; we can help.

Use of ‘Time Out’ in Couple Relationships

9/7/2021

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

The most common issue bringing couples into counseling is the need for better communication around conflict. The first session often involves lengthy tales of the many ways seemingly non-conflictual topics escalate, with one or both parties getting angry. The discussion quickly goes off the rails with past insults brought up, long-standing frustrations shouted, and hurt feelings all around. Ultimately, no resolution is reached, and the issue will inevitably be an ongoing source of repeated conflict in the future.

One technique that I often suggest is the use of ‘time out.’ This is a bit different than the time out of childhood, in which a child is isolated for a time as a consequence for poor behavior. This ‘time out’ is an effective way to de-escalate intensity between two adults, and allows for a more focused and constructive return to the conflictual topic when cooler heads prevail.

Many couple conflicts occur when one party “blindsides” the other with a complaint or accusation. The blindsided party will usually respond with defensiveness almost immediately—because they didn’t see the “attack” coming. The “attacker” has likely been stewing over the issue for a while, and is on the offense.

Features of the ‘time out’ technique include:

Agreement ahead of any conflict that ‘time out’ may be called by either party.
Recognition by one or both parties of either person’s emotional escalation; likely headed to a point of unproductive and regretful words.
Non-judgmental suggestion that a ‘time out’ is needed. Once agreed to, this can simply involve leaving the room or the discussion, with the understanding that both parties will be intentional about focusing on de-escalation of emotion, and a re-focus on the specific issue at hand.
MOST IMPORTANT – the person calling for the ‘time out’ MUST also be the person who suggests a time for returning to the discussion. For example:

“Listen, we are both pretty heated right now, and I don’t want to fight with you. How about we take a ‘time out’, and come back to this discussion tomorrow morning over coffee?”

‘Time out’ is NOT a method for avoiding or ignoring the conflict. Rather, it creates opportunity to navigate the conflict more effectively. ‘Time out’ allows both parties to return to the discussion prepared and emotionally stable once again. The conversation is re-engaged on a level playing field, offering a greater likelihood for satisfactory resolution of the issue.