Tips for Managing Your Relationship’s Perpetual Issues

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Marriage creates many changes for couples.  But some things stay the same.  For example, what we perceive as defects in our partner do not auto correct simply because of the “I do’s.”  Frequently the things that couples fight about when dating are the same things they fight about when they are married or cohabitating.  Maybe you have felt like there is a conflict that is ‘stuck on repeat’ in your relationship.  These repeating conflicts are a couple’s perpetual issues.
 
Perpetual issues are trigger points that begin when people meet and persist throughout the duration of the relationship.  Couples that marry or cohabitate hoping that the new level of investment in the relationship will “fix” an issue that existed at lower levels of relational commitment, are often shocked and disappointed when they realize that the perceived character flaw is actually a trait.  For example, an individual who loves the nightlife and does not “grow out of” the scene because they are married, may bring an element of disappointment to the spouse that now desires a quiet night at home.  95% of all couples have perpetual issues, and the other 5% are in denial about their perpetual issues.  This isn’t an actual statistic, but at some level all couples experience repeating conflict that just doesn’t seem to go away.  At best, one person in the relationship fakes it until they make it, but that avoidance can lead to resentment.  Here are four ways to manage your relationship’s perpetual issues.
 
1.     Acknowledge Your Perpetual Issues
It is difficult to work on solutions to a problem if you do not know what the problem is.  Having a perpetual issue does not mean your marriage is in trouble, it means your marriage is normal.  Do not allow shame to force you into denying your relationship is human and susceptible to life’s stressors.  Consider creating a name for your issue so that it can be viewed as separate from your relationship.  Perhaps a name can even add levity to something that is bothersome.
 
2.     Work Towards Creative Ways to Cope with Your Differences
This may be the key to a successful relationship!  Perhaps one person squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, whereas the other likes to take from the middle.  Having two toothpaste tubes with your names on it does not represent the end of the world or the end of your relationship.  It represents a couple that has found a way to deal with conflict.  If someone still enjoys the nightlife and the other relishes sleep, perhaps a specific night of the week can be reserved for late night festivities.  Finding unique and creative ways to smooth out these rough edges in your relationship makes the issue easier to handle.
 
3.     Recognize That Your Relationship is Unique
What works in your relationship may look substantially different from other relationships in your family and your culture.  Our relationships are not created from a mold.  They are divinely sculpted and should look different in certain regards.  Developing strong boundaries to allow what works for your relationship is important.  You have created a one-of-a-kind entity called “YOUR family.”  Feed it what it needs to grow strong and survive.
 
4.     Make a Commitment to Manage Your Feelings
It may not be easy to address issues that create conflict in your relationship.  Utilizing timeouts when voices begin to elevate and emotions begin to roll will help keep the creative juices flowing.  Walk away for short periods of time to allow the emotional flooding to subside.  The brain cannot access creative channels when it is triggered emotionally.  It enters survival mode and all it can focus on is winning or retreating.  Consider making a full value contract with your partner and list what it means to be fully valued in a discussion about perpetual issues.  Be aware that the conversation may be charged and have an emergency response plan for the emotions that may surface.
 
Finding an issue stuck on repeat in your relationship is common and not the end.  Relationships are always evolving, and we all have perpetual issues.  Being able to participate in problem solving on a creative level and engaging in patience with grace along the way are key ingredients to happy and healthy lives.

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