TRINITY FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER
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Relationships and Marriage

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Think for a moment about how you would respond to the prompt, “I am….”? What came to mind first? If you are like most people, you likely thought about yourself in relation to others. Simply stated, we think of who we are by the roles and titles that define our relationships: “…a wife …a teacher …a father...” Most of us define who we are by the relationships we are in.
 
And yet, relationships are HARD. The majority of clients, couples, and families who come into our counseling practice are almost always struggling in one way or another with a relationship in their lives. Relationship counseling can provide a safe setting in which to unravel hurts from the past, learn healthier communication skills, and resolve conflict in ways that restore honor and respect in the relationship.
 
Marriage counseling is one of the cornerstones of our services here at Trinity. Whether you are planning to marry, newly wed, or have spent the better part of a lifetime together, our counselors are here to offer guidance to strengthen and empower you as a couple. If your marriage has simply hit a bump along the road, or you are wondering if you can stay in it even another minute; we can help.
Counseling Insights and Articles About Relationships and Marriage:
Five Helpful Steps To Managing Conflict, by Dave Papandrea
On Dating Apps, Math, and Finding Love
, by Liza Hinchey
Tips For Managing Your Relationship's Perpetual Issues, by Dave Papandrea
Are Your Relationships Well Watered Or Wilting?, by Wendy Warner
Communication For Successful Relationships, Dave Papandrea
A Lapse In Relational Logic, by Sherrie Darnell
Honesty In Relationships, by Wendy Warner
The Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ever, by Deb Toering
Toxic Friendships, by Kathy Cap
More Than Words, by Dave Papandrea
Use of ‘Time Out’ in Couple Relationships, by Tonya Ratliff
Humble Listening = Productive Communication, by Wendy Warner
Be Careful Your Marriage Doesn't Fall Prey To Infidelity, by Wendy Warner
Five Possible Reasons To Seek Marital Help, by Wendy Warner
Acceptance Versus Comparison, by Wendy Warner
Not What, But How, by Cathy Kap
Staying Connected To Your Spouse... Even When You're Stressed [VIDEO], by Wendy Warner
The Healing Power of Listening, Deb Toering
​Encouraging Words for Disappointed Brides and Grooms, by Wendy Warner
Will Our Marriage Ever Be Back To Normal?, by Deb Toering
Maybe Tonight Dear, Because I Love You, by Wendy Warner
Unforgiveness In Marriage, by Deb Toering
Boundaries: Your Emotional Property Lines, by Tonya Ratliff
V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E, by Wendy Warner
A Healthy Plan For Every Marriage, by Wendy Warner
Family Of Origin: We Don't Get To Choose, by Tonya Ratliff
Planning A Marriage Is More Important Than Planning A Wedding, by Wendy Warner
Are You Clothed In Kindness?, by Wendy Warner
Conflict Is So Hard At Times!, by Wendy Warner
Happy Day After Valentine’s Day, by Wendy Warner
The Thieves Who Silence Us, by Deb Toering
Is It Really Just A Friendly Conversation?, by Wendy Warner
The Havoc of ADHD in Marriage, by Deb Toering
Social Media Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, by Deb Toering
Can I Trust You?, by Wendy Warner
Do You Understand Me? Do You Care About Me?
, by Wendy Warner
Lost in Translation: How a Fight With Your Spouse Blocks the Real Message, by Wendy Warner
Where Do You Turn When It Hurts?, by Wendy Warner
That Really Hurt…, by Deb Toering
​When Is the Right Time to Call a Couples Counselor?, by Wendy Warner
Is There Hope After an Affair?, by Deb Toering
Please! NO Assumptions! , by Deb Toering
Do You Pursue or Withdraw When in Conflict?, by Wendy Warner
The Value of a Shared History, by Tonya Ratliff
Please Listen to Me, Don’t Dismiss Me, by Wendy Warner
Help! My Spouse Has ADHD!!, by Deb Toering
The Power of Our Words, by Tonya Ratliff
Is Your Marriage Vulnerable to An Intruder?, by Wendy Warner
I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife, by Wendy Warner
Just One Thing Can Change Everything, by Deb Toering
Feeling Disrespected in a Relationship?, by Wendy Warner
“Good Things Come to Those Who Wait”, by Wendy Warner
Is Anyone Listening?, by Deb Toering
The Power of “I”, by Tonya Ratliff
Staying Close in Spite of Conflict, by Wendy Warner
Getting Help When Your Marriage is No Longer a Fairy Tale, by Wendy Warner
Words That Breathe Life, by Deb Toering
The Beauty of a Walk, by Wendy Warner
Love, Honor and Cherish… Today, by Wendy Warner
The Speck that Infects a Relationship, by Deb Toering
Patience and Respect are Key to Relationships, by Wendy Warner
Spring Cleaning, by Tonya Ratliff
The Secret to Staying Connected to Your Spouse, by Wendy Warner
Family Holidays: Havoc or Harmony?, by Wendy Warner
Satisfied Couples Do Conflict Differently, by Wendy Warner
PREMARITAL COUNSELING: The Art of Learning How to Live With and Love Each Other, by Deb Toering

Tips for Managing Your Relationship’s Perpetual Issues

9/5/2022

 
by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC
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Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.
Marriage creates many changes for couples.  But some things stay the same.  For example, what we perceive as defects in our partner do not auto correct simply because of the “I do’s.”  Frequently the things that couples fight about when dating are the same things they fight about when they are married or cohabitating.  Maybe you have felt like there is a conflict that is ‘stuck on repeat’ in your relationship.  These repeating conflicts are a couple’s perpetual issues.
 
Perpetual issues are trigger points that begin when people meet and persist throughout the duration of the relationship.  Couples that marry or cohabitate hoping that the new level of investment in the relationship will “fix” an issue that existed at lower levels of relational commitment, are often shocked and disappointed when they realize that the perceived character flaw is actually a trait.  For example, an individual who loves the nightlife and does not “grow out of” the scene because they are married, may bring an element of disappointment to the spouse that now desires a quiet night at home.  95% of all couples have perpetual issues, and the other 5% are in denial about their perpetual issues.  This isn’t an actual statistic, but at some level all couples experience repeating conflict that just doesn’t seem to go away.  At best, one person in the relationship fakes it until they make it, but that avoidance can lead to resentment.  Here are four ways to manage your relationship’s perpetual issues.
 
1.     Acknowledge Your Perpetual Issues
It is difficult to work on solutions to a problem if you do not know what the problem is.  Having a perpetual issue does not mean your marriage is in trouble, it means your marriage is normal.  Do not allow shame to force you into denying your relationship is human and susceptible to life’s stressors.  Consider creating a name for your issue so that it can be viewed as separate from your relationship.  Perhaps a name can even add levity to something that is bothersome.
 
2.     Work Towards Creative Ways to Cope with Your Differences
This may be the key to a successful relationship!  Perhaps one person squeezes the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, whereas the other likes to take from the middle.  Having two toothpaste tubes with your names on it does not represent the end of the world or the end of your relationship.  It represents a couple that has found a way to deal with conflict.  If someone still enjoys the nightlife and the other relishes sleep, perhaps a specific night of the week can be reserved for late night festivities.  Finding unique and creative ways to smooth out these rough edges in your relationship makes the issue easier to handle.
 
3.     Recognize That Your Relationship is Unique
What works in your relationship may look substantially different from other relationships in your family and your culture.  Our relationships are not created from a mold.  They are divinely sculpted and should look different in certain regards.  Developing strong boundaries to allow what works for your relationship is important.  You have created a one-of-a-kind entity called “YOUR family.”  Feed it what it needs to grow strong and survive.
 
4.     Make a Commitment to Manage Your Feelings
It may not be easy to address issues that create conflict in your relationship.  Utilizing timeouts when voices begin to elevate and emotions begin to roll will help keep the creative juices flowing.  Walk away for short periods of time to allow the emotional flooding to subside.  The brain cannot access creative channels when it is triggered emotionally.  It enters survival mode and all it can focus on is winning or retreating.  Consider making a full value contract with your partner and list what it means to be fully valued in a discussion about perpetual issues.  Be aware that the conversation may be charged and have an emergency response plan for the emotions that may surface.
 
Finding an issue stuck on repeat in your relationship is common and not the end.  Relationships are always evolving, and we all have perpetual issues.  Being able to participate in problem solving on a creative level and engaging in patience with grace along the way are key ingredients to happy and healthy lives.


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  • Home
  • Areas of Specialization
    • Christian Counseling
    • Emotional Management
    • Self-Care
    • Relationships and Marriage
    • Grief and Loss
    • Family Counseling
    • Divorce
    • Remarriage and Blended Families
    • Parenting Counseling
    • Children and Adolescents Counseling
    • ADHD Counseling
    • Groups
  • Our Counselors
    • Tonya Ratliff
    • Deb Toering
    • Wendy Warner
    • Liza Hinchey
    • Dave Papandrea
    • Sherrie Darnell
    • Shelley Kruszewski
  • The Intern Option
  • LLC Supervision
  • Fees