TRINITY FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER
  • Home
  • Areas of Specialization
    • Christian Counseling
    • Emotional Management
    • Self-Care
    • Relationships and Marriage
    • Grief and Loss
    • Family Counseling
    • Divorce
    • Remarriage and Blended Families
    • Parenting Counseling
    • Children and Adolescents Counseling
    • ADHD Counseling
    • Groups
  • Our Counselors
    • Tonya Ratliff
    • Deb Toering
    • Wendy Warner
    • Liza Hinchey
    • Dave Papandrea
    • Sherrie Darnell
    • Shelley Kruszewski
  • The Intern Option
  • LLC Supervision
  • Fees

Relationships and Marriage

Picture
Think for a moment about how you would respond to the prompt, “I am….”? What came to mind first? If you are like most people, you likely thought about yourself in relation to others. Simply stated, we think of who we are by the roles and titles that define our relationships: “…a wife …a teacher …a father...” Most of us define who we are by the relationships we are in.
 
And yet, relationships are HARD. The majority of clients, couples, and families who come into our counseling practice are almost always struggling in one way or another with a relationship in their lives. Relationship counseling can provide a safe setting in which to unravel hurts from the past, learn healthier communication skills, and resolve conflict in ways that restore honor and respect in the relationship.
 
Marriage counseling is one of the cornerstones of our services here at Trinity. Whether you are planning to marry, newly wed, or have spent the better part of a lifetime together, our counselors are here to offer guidance to strengthen and empower you as a couple. If your marriage has simply hit a bump along the road, or you are wondering if you can stay in it even another minute; we can help.
Counseling Insights and Articles About Relationships and Marriage:
Validation: Show People You "Get Them", bySherrie Darnell
You Could Have a Romantic Valentine’s Day, by Wendy Warner
Five Helpful Steps To Managing Conflict, by Dave Papandrea
On Dating Apps, Math, and Finding Love, by Liza Hinchey
Tips For Managing Your Relationship's Perpetual Issues, by Dave Papandrea
Are Your Relationships Well Watered Or Wilting?, by Wendy Warner
Communication For Successful Relationships, Dave Papandrea
A Lapse In Relational Logic, by Sherrie Darnell
Honesty In Relationships, by Wendy Warner
The Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ever, by Deb Toering
Toxic Friendships, by Kathy Cap
More Than Words, by Dave Papandrea
Use of ‘Time Out’ in Couple Relationships, by Tonya Ratliff
Humble Listening = Productive Communication, by Wendy Warner
Be Careful Your Marriage Doesn't Fall Prey To Infidelity, by Wendy Warner
Five Possible Reasons To Seek Marital Help, by Wendy Warner
Acceptance Versus Comparison, by Wendy Warner
Not What, But How, by Cathy Kap
Staying Connected To Your Spouse... Even When You're Stressed [VIDEO], by Wendy Warner
The Healing Power of Listening, Deb Toering
​Encouraging Words for Disappointed Brides and Grooms, by Wendy Warner
Will Our Marriage Ever Be Back To Normal?, by Deb Toering
Maybe Tonight Dear, Because I Love You, by Wendy Warner
Unforgiveness In Marriage, by Deb Toering
Boundaries: Your Emotional Property Lines, by Tonya Ratliff
V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E, by Wendy Warner
A Healthy Plan For Every Marriage, by Wendy Warner
Family Of Origin: We Don't Get To Choose, by Tonya Ratliff
Planning A Marriage Is More Important Than Planning A Wedding, by Wendy Warner
Are You Clothed In Kindness?, by Wendy Warner
Conflict Is So Hard At Times!, by Wendy Warner
Happy Day After Valentine’s Day, by Wendy Warner
The Thieves Who Silence Us, by Deb Toering
Is It Really Just A Friendly Conversation?, by Wendy Warner
The Havoc of ADHD in Marriage
, by Deb Toering
Social Media Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, by Deb Toering
Can I Trust You?, by Wendy Warner
Do You Understand Me? Do You Care About Me?
, by Wendy Warner
Lost in Translation: How a Fight With Your Spouse Blocks the Real Message, by Wendy Warner
Where Do You Turn When It Hurts?, by Wendy Warner
That Really Hurt…, by Deb Toering
​When Is the Right Time to Call a Couples Counselor?, by Wendy Warner
Is There Hope After an Affair?, by Deb Toering
Please! NO Assumptions! , by Deb Toering
Do You Pursue or Withdraw When in Conflict?, by Wendy Warner
The Value of a Shared History, by Tonya Ratliff
Please Listen to Me, Don’t Dismiss Me, by Wendy Warner
Help! My Spouse Has ADHD!!, by Deb Toering
The Power of Our Words, by Tonya Ratliff
Is Your Marriage Vulnerable to An Intruder?, by Wendy Warner
I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife, by Wendy Warner
Just One Thing Can Change Everything, by Deb Toering
Feeling Disrespected in a Relationship?, by Wendy Warner
“Good Things Come to Those Who Wait”, by Wendy Warner
Is Anyone Listening?, by Deb Toering
The Power of “I”, by Tonya Ratliff
Staying Close in Spite of Conflict, by Wendy Warner
Getting Help When Your Marriage is No Longer a Fairy Tale, by Wendy Warner
Words That Breathe Life, by Deb Toering
The Beauty of a Walk, by Wendy Warner
Love, Honor and Cherish… Today, by Wendy Warner
The Speck that Infects a Relationship, by Deb Toering
Patience and Respect are Key to Relationships, by Wendy Warner
Spring Cleaning, by Tonya Ratliff
The Secret to Staying Connected to Your Spouse, by Wendy Warner
Family Holidays: Havoc or Harmony?, by Wendy Warner
Satisfied Couples Do Conflict Differently, by Wendy Warner
PREMARITAL COUNSELING: The Art of Learning How to Live With and Love Each Other, by Deb Toering

Communication For Successful Relationships

6/5/2022

 
by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC
Picture
Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.
Relationships are needy.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of elements to making a relationship successful.  Sometimes they effortlessly come together, but many times they take a lot of work.  Whether you are a corporate leader, small team leader, parent on the PTA, homemaker with a small tribe, or siblings trying to make things work, in my estimation effective communication is the most important element to any relationship.
 
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four traits that can guarantee, with high levels of accuracy, the demise of a relationship.  One of the four traits is defensiveness.  Defensive responses impede any progress that feedback was intended to create.  The good news is with some patience and communication skills we can give a difficult conversation every opportunity to achieve the desired results.
 
Frontload the conversation.  Frontloading is giving the receiver the chance to prepare for something that may be corrective in nature.  Don’t forget, we all think we are awesome, and we all think we are bringing our best every day.  So, hearing that we fell short will be disappointing.  When we know that difficult news is coming it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch as it is delivered.  We saw it coming and had a chance to brace for the impact the statement may carry.  In frontloading, we can also give the receiver the opportunity to invite the feedback when they are ready for it.  Remember, we all have baggage that we tote around from our personal lives.  The ability to invite feedback, negative or positive, gives the receiver a sense of control.  Here is how we frequently frontload conversations with our children.  “I know we are having so much fun at the park, but it is getting late, and we have to eat dinner.  How about just ten more minutes, then we have to go.”  This gives our little receiver a chance to decompress from whatever was just happening, as well as allowing them to prepare for something they do not desire.  This works with big people too!  I wonder why we stop using this strategy as people age?  Perhaps the need remains but the ensuing tantrum changes form.
 
Be direct about what you need while avoiding the word YOU.  We frequently use nonverbal social controls to convey our displeasure.  Perhaps our spouse gets a bit of the silent treatment for forgetting to do dishes.  Maybe a colleague is excluded from a meeting.  Maybe a teammate is benched for poor field performance.  In relationships, nonverbal social controls are avoidant and can lead to confusion and frustration.  Successful relationships utilize directness and gentle confrontations.  In a gentle confrontation, one is extremely careful not to use the word you which frequently triggers the launch of defensiveness (insert horror screaming here).  Gentle, yet direct feedback could be framed in a simple sentence structure you can pull out for nearly every situation and relationship.  It sounds like this, “I noticed _____________.  What I need is ___________.”  Here is how this can be applied in real life!  “When you have a second, there is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I would love to get your thoughts on it.”  If you observe part one of this exchange is the frontloading, you are comprehending what we are conveying.  “I noticed the dishes did not get washed and loaded into the dishwasher.  This makes me feel completely overwhelmed when I
come home.  I need some help accomplishing this task.”  In this example the statement offers personal observations, feelings, and a need without ever using the word you.  Remember not to use that word, or any derivative of.
 
What to do in an emergency.  One of the worst demonstrations of feeling criticized and defensive is with an emotional escalation.  When conflict reaches the point where we begin to emotionally elevate, we lose the ability to be rational.  This is supported by research and brain scans that show the portion of the brain responsible for rational thinking is under stimulated, or turned off during moments of fight or flight activation.  And guess what!  The portion of the brain responsible for fight or flight is now activated and in control when the yelling begins.  The ability to think through a problem or respond appropriately is impossible when the brain transitions to survival mode.  We cannot begin to problem solve when the brain is beginning to flood (literally with adrenaline and cortisol) and we must pause the conversation.  Typically, we can return to the confrontation after 30 minutes with restored brain functioning, and literally allow “cooler heads to prevail.”  This old saying was directly addressing the dumping of hormones released during fight or flight.  Any communication will be impeded by emotional flooding.  Old fashion timeouts give everyone an opportunity to reset, and proceed with restored brain processes.  Ask yourself, does this issue need an immediate fix, or can it wait?
 
Provide a soft landing place.  Preparing a place where people can turn is key to reducing defensiveness and criticism.  This soft landing place takes lots of preparation and maintenance.  It requires high levels of trust that comes from equal levels of altruism and support.  How you deal with negative feedback or conflict will set the stage for how your people will respond to your feedback.  Is it OK to disappoint you because you provide a place of forgiveness and understanding?  Or are you a grudge holder and ancient history comes alive during conflict?  Are you restorative, drawing a line and choosing a clean slate on the other side.  Or does processing conflict or negative feedback take an extended period of time.  I like to envision soft landing places looking like a dog.  Do you want to pet the dog that flops on her back and offers a soft belly?  Or the dog whose dander is up, tail is down, and is showing teeth?
 
Communication is central to all of our relationships and is a seminal part of each day.  Frontloading, being direct with observations and needs, allowing for timeouts when flooding, and providing a soft landing place are a few simple communication tactics that will produce results in your relationships.  These strategies are versatile, and can be applied to any type of relationship.  They take practice, and it may feel like learning a new language.  But it is worth learning a language that everyone will be able to hear more clearly.


Comments are closed.
Copyright © 2023 Trinity Family Counseling LLC
  • Home
  • Areas of Specialization
    • Christian Counseling
    • Emotional Management
    • Self-Care
    • Relationships and Marriage
    • Grief and Loss
    • Family Counseling
    • Divorce
    • Remarriage and Blended Families
    • Parenting Counseling
    • Children and Adolescents Counseling
    • ADHD Counseling
    • Groups
  • Our Counselors
    • Tonya Ratliff
    • Deb Toering
    • Wendy Warner
    • Liza Hinchey
    • Dave Papandrea
    • Sherrie Darnell
    • Shelley Kruszewski
  • The Intern Option
  • LLC Supervision
  • Fees