A Lapse in Relational Logic

Relationships and Marriage

Think for a moment about how you would respond to the prompt, “I am….”? What came to mind first? If you are like most people, you likely thought about yourself in relation to others. Simply stated, we think of who we are by the roles and titles that define our relationships: “…a wife …a teacher …a father...” Most of us define who we are by the relationships we are in.

And yet, relationships are HARD. The majority of clients, couples, and families who come into our counseling practice are almost always struggling in one way or another with a relationship in their lives. Relationship counseling can provide a safe setting in which to unravel hurts from the past, learn healthier communication skills, and resolve conflict in ways that restore honor and respect in the relationship.

Marriage counseling is one of the cornerstones of our services here at Trinity. Whether you are planning to marry, newly wed, or have spent the better part of a lifetime together, our counselors are here to offer guidance to strengthen and empower you as a couple. If your marriage has simply hit a bump along the road, or you are wondering if you can stay in it even another minute; we can help.

A Lapse in Relational Logic

4/15/2022

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I love logic. I love it because it’s, well, logical. It has order, reason, and common sense and, therefore, it’s awfully useful as we’re living our lives. Cheers to logic!

There is a pattern of thinking about relationships, though, that can masquerade in our mind as logical, but isn’t.

The thought pattern – allow me to exaggerate for emphasis – goes like this:

My loved one (spouse, boyfriend, parent, friend, brother, etc.) loves me.

When someone loves me, they should automatically know my every need, wish, desire, dream, thought and feeling regarding my relationship with them.

Therefore, it follows that I should not have to actually tell them any of these things. In fact, telling them these things means that anything they do to meet my needs doesn’t count, because they were tipped off. True love doesn’t require requests.

I indulged in hyperbole, but some form of this non sequitur can subtly slip into our psyche and sabotage our significant relationships. For example:

An adult daughter craves deeper conversations with her dad. She barely hints at this, and he never ventures beyond the paternal pleasantries and platitudes, so she doesn’t realize that he desires the same thing. He fears overstepping in the relationship and thinks he is giving her space.

A new husband would feel especially loved and supported if his wife would verbally appreciate him. He’s uncomfortable “having to ask for compliments” and feels like as his soulmate, she should naturally speak what his heart needs. In her family, homemade food and warm hugs convey love, and she doesn’t realize his unmet needs.

No matter how much someone loves us, they don’t have mindreading skills. There are many reasons why we have trouble accepting this. Our culture adores romanticized relationships, and the gritty work of communication isn’t dreamy. Our families of origin play a role, as do our insecurities. The help of a relationship counselor can help tease out what may be getting in the way of better communication and connection.

It's interesting to notice that our Heavenly Father loves us passionately, and already knows our needs, but still urges us to bring our requests to Him (Philippians 4:6) and says, “Ask, and it will be given to you…” (Matthew 7:7). He models relational logic we can embrace with our loved ones as well.