A Lapse in Relational Logic

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I love logic. I love it because it’s, well, logical. It has order, reason, and common sense and, therefore, it’s awfully useful as we’re living our lives. Cheers to logic!
 
There is a pattern of thinking about relationships, though, that can masquerade in our mind as logical, but isn’t.
 
The thought pattern – allow me to exaggerate for emphasis – goes like this:
 

1. My loved one (spouse, boyfriend, parent, friend, brother, etc.) loves me.

 

1. When someone loves me, they should automatically know my every need, wish, desire, dream, thought and feeling regarding my relationship with them.

 

1. Therefore, it follows that I should not have to actually tell them any of these things. In fact, telling them these things means that anything they do to meet my needs doesn’t count, because they were tipped off. True love doesn’t require requests.

 
I indulged in hyperbole, but some form of this non sequitur can subtly slip into our psyche and sabotage our significant relationships. For example:
 

• An adult daughter craves deeper conversations with her dad. She barely hints at this, and he never ventures beyond the paternal pleasantries and platitudes, so she doesn’t realize that he desires the same thing. He fears overstepping in the relationship and thinks he is giving her space.

 

• A new husband would feel especially loved and supported if his wife would verbally appreciate him. He’s uncomfortable “having to ask for compliments” and feels like as his soulmate, she should naturally speak what his heart needs. In her family, homemade food and warm hugs convey love, and she doesn’t realize his unmet needs.

 
No matter how much someone loves us, they don’t have mindreading skills. There are many reasons why we have trouble accepting this. Our culture adores romanticized relationships, and the gritty work of communication isn’t dreamy. Our families of origin play a role, as do our insecurities. The help of a relationship counselor can help tease out what may be getting in the way of better communication and connection.
 
It's interesting to notice that our Heavenly Father loves us passionately, and already knows our needs, but still urges us to bring our requests to Him (Philippians 4:6) and says, “Ask, and it will be given to you…” (Matthew 7:7). He models relational logic we can embrace with our loved ones as well.

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