TRINITY FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER
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Relationships and Marriage

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Think for a moment about how you would respond to the prompt, “I am….”? What came to mind first? If you are like most people, you likely thought about yourself in relation to others. Simply stated, we think of who we are by the roles and titles that define our relationships: “…a wife …a teacher …a father...” Most of us define who we are by the relationships we are in.
 
And yet, relationships are HARD. The majority of clients, couples, and families who come into our counseling practice are almost always struggling in one way or another with a relationship in their lives. Relationship counseling can provide a safe setting in which to unravel hurts from the past, learn healthier communication skills, and resolve conflict in ways that restore honor and respect in the relationship.
 
Marriage counseling is one of the cornerstones of our services here at Trinity. Whether you are planning to marry, newly wed, or have spent the better part of a lifetime together, our counselors are here to offer guidance to strengthen and empower you as a couple. If your marriage has simply hit a bump along the road, or you are wondering if you can stay in it even another minute; we can help.
Counseling Insights and Articles About Relationships and Marriage:
Five Helpful Steps To Managing Conflict, by Dave Papandrea
On Dating Apps, Math, and Finding Love
, by Liza Hinchey
Tips For Managing Your Relationship's Perpetual Issues, by Dave Papandrea
Are Your Relationships Well Watered Or Wilting?, by Wendy Warner
Communication For Successful Relationships, Dave Papandrea
A Lapse In Relational Logic, by Sherrie Darnell
Honesty In Relationships, by Wendy Warner
The Best Valentine’s Day Gift Ever, by Deb Toering
Toxic Friendships, by Kathy Cap
More Than Words, by Dave Papandrea
Use of ‘Time Out’ in Couple Relationships, by Tonya Ratliff
Humble Listening = Productive Communication, by Wendy Warner
Be Careful Your Marriage Doesn't Fall Prey To Infidelity, by Wendy Warner
Five Possible Reasons To Seek Marital Help, by Wendy Warner
Acceptance Versus Comparison, by Wendy Warner
Not What, But How, by Cathy Kap
Staying Connected To Your Spouse... Even When You're Stressed [VIDEO], by Wendy Warner
The Healing Power of Listening, Deb Toering
​Encouraging Words for Disappointed Brides and Grooms, by Wendy Warner
Will Our Marriage Ever Be Back To Normal?, by Deb Toering
Maybe Tonight Dear, Because I Love You, by Wendy Warner
Unforgiveness In Marriage, by Deb Toering
Boundaries: Your Emotional Property Lines, by Tonya Ratliff
V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E, by Wendy Warner
A Healthy Plan For Every Marriage, by Wendy Warner
Family Of Origin: We Don't Get To Choose, by Tonya Ratliff
Planning A Marriage Is More Important Than Planning A Wedding, by Wendy Warner
Are You Clothed In Kindness?, by Wendy Warner
Conflict Is So Hard At Times!, by Wendy Warner
Happy Day After Valentine’s Day, by Wendy Warner
The Thieves Who Silence Us, by Deb Toering
Is It Really Just A Friendly Conversation?, by Wendy Warner
The Havoc of ADHD in Marriage, by Deb Toering
Social Media Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, by Deb Toering
Can I Trust You?, by Wendy Warner
Do You Understand Me? Do You Care About Me?
, by Wendy Warner
Lost in Translation: How a Fight With Your Spouse Blocks the Real Message, by Wendy Warner
Where Do You Turn When It Hurts?, by Wendy Warner
That Really Hurt…, by Deb Toering
​When Is the Right Time to Call a Couples Counselor?, by Wendy Warner
Is There Hope After an Affair?, by Deb Toering
Please! NO Assumptions! , by Deb Toering
Do You Pursue or Withdraw When in Conflict?, by Wendy Warner
The Value of a Shared History, by Tonya Ratliff
Please Listen to Me, Don’t Dismiss Me, by Wendy Warner
Help! My Spouse Has ADHD!!, by Deb Toering
The Power of Our Words, by Tonya Ratliff
Is Your Marriage Vulnerable to An Intruder?, by Wendy Warner
I Now Pronounce You Man and Wife, by Wendy Warner
Just One Thing Can Change Everything, by Deb Toering
Feeling Disrespected in a Relationship?, by Wendy Warner
“Good Things Come to Those Who Wait”, by Wendy Warner
Is Anyone Listening?, by Deb Toering
The Power of “I”, by Tonya Ratliff
Staying Close in Spite of Conflict, by Wendy Warner
Getting Help When Your Marriage is No Longer a Fairy Tale, by Wendy Warner
Words That Breathe Life, by Deb Toering
The Beauty of a Walk, by Wendy Warner
Love, Honor and Cherish… Today, by Wendy Warner
The Speck that Infects a Relationship, by Deb Toering
Patience and Respect are Key to Relationships, by Wendy Warner
Spring Cleaning, by Tonya Ratliff
The Secret to Staying Connected to Your Spouse, by Wendy Warner
Family Holidays: Havoc or Harmony?, by Wendy Warner
Satisfied Couples Do Conflict Differently, by Wendy Warner
PREMARITAL COUNSELING: The Art of Learning How to Live With and Love Each Other, by Deb Toering

Use of ‘Time Out’ in Couple Relationships

9/7/2021

 
​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS
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Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.
 The most common issue bringing couples into counseling is the need for better communication around conflict. The first session often involves lengthy tales of the many ways seemingly non-conflictual topics escalate, with one or both parties getting angry. The discussion quickly goes off the rails with past insults brought up, long-standing frustrations shouted, and hurt feelings all around. Ultimately, no resolution is reached, and the issue will inevitably be an ongoing source of repeated conflict in the future.
 
One technique that I often suggest is the use of ‘time out.’ This is a bit different than the time out of childhood, in which a child is isolated for a time as a consequence for poor behavior. This ‘time out’ is an effective way to de-escalate intensity between two adults, and allows for a more focused and constructive return to the conflictual topic when cooler heads prevail.
 
Many couple conflicts occur when one party “blindsides” the other with a complaint or accusation. The blindsided party will usually respond with defensiveness almost immediately—because they didn’t see the “attack” coming. The “attacker” has likely been stewing over the issue for a while, and is on the offense.
 
Features of the ‘time out’ technique include:

  1. Agreement ahead of any conflict that ‘time out’ may be called by either party.
  2. Recognition by one or both parties of either person’s emotional escalation; likely headed to a point of unproductive and regretful words.
  3. Non-judgmental suggestion that a ‘time out’ is needed. Once agreed to, this can simply involve leaving the room or the discussion, with the understanding that both parties will be intentional about focusing on de-escalation of emotion, and a re-focus on the specific issue at hand.
  4. MOST IMPORTANT – the person calling for the ‘time out’ MUST also be the person who suggests a time for returning to the discussion. For example:
 
 “Listen, we are both pretty heated right now, and I don’t want to fight with you. How about we take a ‘time out’, and come back to this discussion tomorrow morning over coffee?”
 
‘Time out’ is NOT a method for avoiding or ignoring the conflict. Rather, it creates opportunity to navigate the conflict more effectively. ‘Time out’ allows both parties to return to the discussion prepared and emotionally stable once again. The conversation is re-engaged on a level playing field, offering a greater likelihood for satisfactory resolution of the issue.

Humble Listening = Productive Communication

7/11/2021

 
by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC
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Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In any relationship, people gauge if it is safe to be open with their thoughts and feelings based on the response of the other person. If the common experience with someone is to receive criticism or dismissal of your viewpoint, then you are less likely to share openly. When people don’t share openly, they withdraw, shut down, or become defensive in return.
 
Think of the parent child relationship in this context. Most parents would like their kids to share more of their inner world, their challenges and dreams. How many parents can listen without judging and just receive what their kid is sharing? Even with the best intentions, many parents dismiss their kid’s fears and tell them everything will be okay. How much more sharing would kids do if they felt their viewpoint would be heard and validated as important?
 
In marriage communication we can get very invested in our perspective and struggle to pause our viewpoint long enough to genuinely try to understand our spouse’s perspective. This results in either a lot of arguing or a lot of avoidance of meaningful conversation.
 
Most of us long for relationships that feel safe to say what we really feel. Unfortunately, we can get caught up in our own agendas, perspectives and priorities which then filters what we hear and how we respond. Even if we believe we are operating with the other’s best interests in mind, if it is according to our view and not theirs, we are most likely shutting down vulnerability and honest communication.
 
The solution lies in humility. Rare is the person who listens with this approach: “I will pause my agenda and listen with an open mind because then I can better understand their priorities and values.” The key is having humility to listen to a perspective that might differ from our own. The author in Proverbs 11:2 aptly stated, “With humility comes wisdom.” Paul wrote in Philippians 4:2, “In humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Both verses point to the benefits of humility. Humility promotes wisdom in communicating with others and placing a priority on their interests over ours. If we adopt this approach, our kids and our partner will come to trust that we desire to understand them fully. We consider their perspective as important as our own. We are open to an idea that might not align with our wishes, but could still produce a reasonable outcome. For example, I might not be thrilled with my daughter wanting to attend a certain concert, but I will pause my concerns and allow her to share her reasons for wanting to go. Understanding her perspective is equally as important as my thoughts on the matter. We can then process the subject with both of our perspectives rather than me shooting hers down at the outset. I may not hold the same value as my husband in spending money on his hobby, but because I value him, I will humbly listen to his thoughts on the subject with respect.
 
Can you imagine how different the past year of social media would look if we applied humility in our desire to understand views different from our own? We could pause our soap boxes and words of contempt to hear how the other arrived at such a different conclusion on the subject. The goal would be understanding and not landing a zinger at someone else’s expense. The outcome would undoubtedly be more productive than what actually happened.
 
This is why counseling is helpful. Counselors listen with a priority to understand, not forward their own agenda. The client feels heard, understood and respected in their perspective. The dynamic also differs in that the counselor is able to listen objectively and does not get triggered emotionally as a parent or spouse might. If you are yearning to be heard, try listening to the other with humility. If it feels too challenging in the moment, consider working with a professional counselor who can help you grow in your communication skills and relationships.

Be Careful Your Marriage Doesn't Fall Prey To Infidelity

5/10/2021

 
by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC
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Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.
In the jungle there are predators and the prey they search for. If the prey isn’t careful, doesn’t have their eyes open for possible trouble, they will get eaten. In some ways, that is how it is for married people who don’t have their eyes open for predators looking to attack their marriage through infidelity.  Sometimes it is more innocent than that. Sometimes it begins when no one was looking for it to happen. Either way, if you are married and spending time communicating with a member of the opposite sex regularly, you need to open your eyes for trouble coming.
 
It can be a co-worker, a neighbor, a fellow volunteer, an old friend. When you start to communicate by text or social media with someone outside your marriage and you know your spouse would not be happy about it, shut it down. Once you have gone into regular contact, you are already justifying behavior that will be a problem for you. If it continues, you are entering into the fantasy of an unrealistic relationship that doesn’t involve bills, children, household chores or in-laws. It becomes someone to talk to that supports you, understands you and admires you. It becomes addicting to get that when you aren’t feeling the same response from your mate. If you are more than two conversations in, you will have inflicted pain in your marriage that will take time and effort to heal. The longer it continues, the more devastating the wreckage will be to clean up. Please do not underestimate the pain of betrayal and the steep climb to rebuild trust.
 
As a marriage counselor, I often work with couples trying to recover from infidelity. There are varying degrees, and I have seen many couples reconcile. A common misunderstanding is that if it wasn’t physical, it isn’t a big deal. For the spouse who learns their partner has been talking about them to someone else and saying admiring things to that other person, it is a very big deal. If you are just starting a conversation or are contemplating stepping in that direction, I implore you to seek marriage counseling. Find out how to feel that extra spark with your partner, the co-parent of your children. Examine yourself to understand what you are contributing to the problems in your marriage. The relationships we invest in will be the ones we enjoy most.

Five Possible Reasons To Seek Marital Help

2/22/2021

 
​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC
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Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you spent the past year living and working within your home like most of us, you have probably experienced your marriage in a new way.

Maybe you are delighted to eliminate business travel, late meetings and are enjoying lunch with your mate. That’s wonderful. For many couples, it has been a trying time of combining work, parenting, tutoring and marriage dynamics all day, every day. It might be clarifying things you were too busy to notice before about your relationship; or too busy to address.
 
If any of the following descriptions fit, it is time to focus on your marriage so you can have a healthier, happier relationship.

  1. There is little connection between the two of you. Your conversations focus on logistics of the day, the week, the kids. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on any subject of substance for fear it would be ignored, rejected or ridiculed. You are lonely and long for the genuine pleasure of the company of your spouse.
  2. Conversations quickly escalate to angry words and conflict. You feel misunderstood and unfairly accused. You don’t feel heard by your spouse and each has become defensive. You long for the opportunity to have a calm conversation about issues that concern you without feeling attacked.
  3. One or both of you are battling depression or anxiety. It has changed that person and made them harder to reach. How to help them? How do you address their pain and still get your needs met in the relationship?
  4. The difference in your parenting styles or issues with your kids have come into sharp focus and you need help. Patience is wearing thin and things are not improving. How do you get on the same page and support your child?
  5. You wonder if your spouse is looking outside of your marriage for fulfillment. Or, you are vulnerable to that friendly co-worker for just a warm conversation without any criticism. You struggle to trust each other. One of you is on the brink of an affair or it has already begun.
 
If your relationship resembles any of the above scenarios, you need the help of a counselor. They can help you clarify your problems and begin working towards a closer connection and a much more fulfilling marriage.

Don’t wait.

​Healing your marriage could be the good thing that came from a global pandemic.

Acceptance Versus Comparison

12/6/2020

 
​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC
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Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Do you ever find yourself comparing your husband, your wife, your child to another? Your friend’s husband loves to cook and you think, “Why doesn’t my husband ever cook?” Your friend’s wife is skilled in decorating, and you wonder how great your house would look if your wife could do that. You attend the school ceremonies and wish your child was going up to receive awards for outstanding grades. This could be especially tempting when a relationship is struggling. Why isn’t my husband more patient like so and so? Why does my wife spend more money than Joe’s wife?
 
The truth is, there are many positives to find in our loved ones, but it takes a willingness to see them. Comparisons often involve what is familiar and expected. If mom was a great cook, then your wife should be. If dad was super handy, then your husband should be. We could spend our days lost in the disappointment of comparisons when in fact there is so much to celebrate. If we open our eyes to all someone brings instead of what is missing, we gain the pleasure of contentment. There is a choice to accept this skill / gift over that one. Your child may not be very organized, but they have a kind heart! Your husband might not be handy, but look how he engages with the kids.
 
The acceptance of personality styles and varied talents leads to affirmation over criticism. Acceptance breeds contentment and a closer connection in the relationship.

Not What, But How

10/19/2020

 
by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC
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Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

C​ommunication is important in any relationship, and the delivery of the message makes all the difference. Imagine you’ve been feeling frustrated by your spouse, parent, or friend and you have finally decided that you’re going to let them know just how you feel.  You march right into the room, ready to let your grievances be heard but, you’re met with resistance, anger, or worse--complete silence. The outcome isn’t what you expected and now you’re even more frustrated and angry.
 
This scenario is all too common and often leads to a breakdown in communication. What I tell all of my clients, as well as my own kids, is that It’s not only WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.
 
Choosing your words wisely, along with your tone of voice, can make all the difference in how your message will be received.  If a person feels like they are being attacked they will simply stop listening. It’s important to be clear with what you would like to say. So instead of, “I’m sick of you not helping around the house” try, “I feel very overwhelmed with all the household responsibilities. Do you think we could divide some of the chores between us?”
 
It may not always be easy to voice your grievances calmly, especially in the heat of the moment. But if what you are trying to say is truly important to you, it is more constructive to be clear, and calm and to choose your words wisely.
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Copyright © 2022 Trinity Family Counseling LLC
  • Home
  • Areas of Specialization
    • Christian Counseling
    • Emotional Management
    • Self-Care
    • Relationships and Marriage
    • Grief and Loss
    • Family Counseling
    • Divorce
    • Remarriage and Blended Families
    • Parenting Counseling
    • Children and Adolescents Counseling
    • ADHD Counseling
    • Groups
  • Our Counselors
    • Tonya Ratliff
    • Deb Toering
    • Wendy Warner
    • Liza Hinchey
    • Dave Papandrea
    • Sherrie Darnell
    • Shelley Kruszewski
  • The Intern Option
  • LLC Supervision
  • Fees