by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Relationships are needy.  Believe it or not, there are a lot of elements to making a relationship successful.  Sometimes they effortlessly come together, but many times they take a lot of work.  Whether you are a corporate leader, small team leader, parent on the PTA, homemaker with a small tribe, or siblings trying to make things work, in my estimation effective communication is the most important element to any relationship.
 
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four traits that can guarantee, with high levels of accuracy, the demise of a relationship.  One of the four traits is defensiveness.  Defensive responses impede any progress that feedback was intended to create.  The good news is with some patience and communication skills we can give a difficult conversation every opportunity to achieve the desired results.
 
Frontload the conversation.  Frontloading is giving the receiver the chance to prepare for something that may be corrective in nature.  Don’t forget, we all think we are awesome, and we all think we are bringing our best every day.  So, hearing that we fell short will be disappointing.  When we know that difficult news is coming it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch as it is delivered.  We saw it coming and had a chance to brace for the impact the statement may carry.  In frontloading, we can also give the receiver the opportunity to invite the feedback when they are ready for it.  Remember, we all have baggage that we tote around from our personal lives.  The ability to invite feedback, negative or positive, gives the receiver a sense of control.  Here is how we frequently frontload conversations with our children.  “I know we are having so much fun at the park, but it is getting late, and we have to eat dinner.  How about just ten more minutes, then we have to go.”  This gives our little receiver a chance to decompress from whatever was just happening, as well as allowing them to prepare for something they do not desire.  This works with big people too!  I wonder why we stop using this strategy as people age?  Perhaps the need remains but the ensuing tantrum changes form.
 
Be direct about what you need while avoiding the word YOU.  We frequently use nonverbal social controls to convey our displeasure.  Perhaps our spouse gets a bit of the silent treatment for forgetting to do dishes.  Maybe a colleague is excluded from a meeting.  Maybe a teammate is benched for poor field performance.  In relationships, nonverbal social controls are avoidant and can lead to confusion and frustration.  Successful relationships utilize directness and gentle confrontations.  In a gentle confrontation, one is extremely careful not to use the word you which frequently triggers the launch of defensiveness (insert horror screaming here).  Gentle, yet direct feedback could be framed in a simple sentence structure you can pull out for nearly every situation and relationship.  It sounds like this, “I noticed _____________.  What I need is ___________.”  Here is how this can be applied in real life!  “When you have a second, there is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I would love to get your thoughts on it.”  If you observe part one of this exchange is the frontloading, you are comprehending what we are conveying.  “I noticed the dishes did not get washed and loaded into the dishwasher.  This makes me feel completely overwhelmed when I
come home.  I need some help accomplishing this task.”  In this example the statement offers personal observations, feelings, and a need without ever using the word you.  Remember not to use that word, or any derivative of.
 
What to do in an emergency.  One of the worst demonstrations of feeling criticized and defensive is with an emotional escalation.  When conflict reaches the point where we begin to emotionally elevate, we lose the ability to be rational.  This is supported by research and brain scans that show the portion of the brain responsible for rational thinking is under stimulated, or turned off during moments of fight or flight activation.  And guess what!  The portion of the brain responsible for fight or flight is now activated and in control when the yelling begins.  The ability to think through a problem or respond appropriately is impossible when the brain transitions to survival mode.  We cannot begin to problem solve when the brain is beginning to flood (literally with adrenaline and cortisol) and we must pause the conversation.  Typically, we can return to the confrontation after 30 minutes with restored brain functioning, and literally allow “cooler heads to prevail.”  This old saying was directly addressing the dumping of hormones released during fight or flight.  Any communication will be impeded by emotional flooding.  Old fashion timeouts give everyone an opportunity to reset, and proceed with restored brain processes.  Ask yourself, does this issue need an immediate fix, or can it wait?
 
Provide a soft landing place.  Preparing a place where people can turn is key to reducing defensiveness and criticism.  This soft landing place takes lots of preparation and maintenance.  It requires high levels of trust that comes from equal levels of altruism and support.  How you deal with negative feedback or conflict will set the stage for how your people will respond to your feedback.  Is it OK to disappoint you because you provide a place of forgiveness and understanding?  Or are you a grudge holder and ancient history comes alive during conflict?  Are you restorative, drawing a line and choosing a clean slate on the other side.  Or does processing conflict or negative feedback take an extended period of time.  I like to envision soft landing places looking like a dog.  Do you want to pet the dog that flops on her back and offers a soft belly?  Or the dog whose dander is up, tail is down, and is showing teeth?
 
Communication is central to all of our relationships and is a seminal part of each day.  Frontloading, being direct with observations and needs, allowing for timeouts when flooding, and providing a soft landing place are a few simple communication tactics that will produce results in your relationships.  These strategies are versatile, and can be applied to any type of relationship.  They take practice, and it may feel like learning a new language.  But it is worth learning a language that everyone will be able to hear more clearly.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I love logic. I love it because it’s, well, logical. It has order, reason, and common sense and, therefore, it’s awfully useful as we’re living our lives. Cheers to logic!
 
There is a pattern of thinking about relationships, though, that can masquerade in our mind as logical, but isn’t.
 
The thought pattern – allow me to exaggerate for emphasis – goes like this:
 

1. My loved one (spouse, boyfriend, parent, friend, brother, etc.) loves me.

 

1. When someone loves me, they should automatically know my every need, wish, desire, dream, thought and feeling regarding my relationship with them.

 

1. Therefore, it follows that I should not have to actually tell them any of these things. In fact, telling them these things means that anything they do to meet my needs doesn’t count, because they were tipped off. True love doesn’t require requests.

 
I indulged in hyperbole, but some form of this non sequitur can subtly slip into our psyche and sabotage our significant relationships. For example:
 

• An adult daughter craves deeper conversations with her dad. She barely hints at this, and he never ventures beyond the paternal pleasantries and platitudes, so she doesn’t realize that he desires the same thing. He fears overstepping in the relationship and thinks he is giving her space.

 

• A new husband would feel especially loved and supported if his wife would verbally appreciate him. He’s uncomfortable “having to ask for compliments” and feels like as his soulmate, she should naturally speak what his heart needs. In her family, homemade food and warm hugs convey love, and she doesn’t realize his unmet needs.

 
No matter how much someone loves us, they don’t have mindreading skills. There are many reasons why we have trouble accepting this. Our culture adores romanticized relationships, and the gritty work of communication isn’t dreamy. Our families of origin play a role, as do our insecurities. The help of a relationship counselor can help tease out what may be getting in the way of better communication and connection.
 
It's interesting to notice that our Heavenly Father loves us passionately, and already knows our needs, but still urges us to bring our requests to Him (Philippians 4:6) and says, “Ask, and it will be given to you…” (Matthew 7:7). He models relational logic we can embrace with our loved ones as well.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

For those old enough to remember the shows, “Everybody Loves Raymond” and “The King of Queens” you probably got some good laughs watching them. They were my favorite shows in their day. However, over time, I realized the general source of humor came from the husband doing something ill-advised, and then he either lied about it or exerted a ridiculous effort to try and hide it from his wife. While it made for good sitcoms, it will not make for a good marriage.
 
Some people view honesty on a spectrum. There are little white lies to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, the lie of omission when you withhold information intentionally and outright lies.
 
Little white lies are actually more dangerous than they appear, because a person becomes comfortable fudging on the truth when it’s convenient for them. It is also the kind of dishonesty parents are likely to practice in front of their children. So, kids learn it’s okay to tell little white lies about their age because mom and dad save some money on admission to the waterpark. Or a spouse may overhear a lie given to a boss to get out of work and wonder when their spouse is lying to them. Generally, they are not harmless and lead to problems and a lack of trust down the road.
 
When partners withhold information to spare the couple a fight, it is bound to surface eventually. It could be accumulating debt, problems at work, or even career plans made without consulting the other. Most people are angrier to find out that they have been actively left out of the loop on important information than they would have been if they heard about it from the beginning.
 
Outright lies are less frequent because they are so obviously damaging to a relationship. And yet they occur about spending, what spouses do with their buddies, how much alcohol was consumed, etc. 
 
The bottom line is trust. And when you violate someone’s trust, there really isn’t a spectrum to it. When you tell little lies, it leads to bigger lies. If your partner can’t trust you on the small stuff, how will they trust you on the really big stuff? Honesty is critical to emotional safety in a relationship. Do you have a reputation as being truthful? Reliable? Good on your word? What would your partner say?

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

If you have been married for some time, you may be looking back fondly on those tender years of dating and the first few years of marital bliss. Love came so easily. You couldn’t stop thinking about each other and all you wanted was to be together. You couldn’t wait to express loving words and actions to your beloved.  You long for those times as your attention seems to have shifted away from each other and on to the day to day demands of job and children.
 
How can those flames of earlier and better times be rekindled?  What does that familiar phrase, “love is a choice”, actually mean?
 
It is easy to give our spouse a Valentine’s card full of loving words. Although a card is nice, acting out those words of love would be an even better gift. Just what is it that would make your spouse feel loved? Hopefully you know by now! You may be thinking, “…but I am not feeling very loving toward him, and besides he doesn’t show me much love.”
 
For the Christian, we are commanded to love as we have been loved by Christ Himself.  We must choose to love in very practical ways and to strive to cherish our spouse, which is the ultimate form of love. Remember those vows, “to love and cherish?” To cherish is to hold your spouse in your heart as being dear; to care for them deeply, to treasure them. It is always dwelling on the good in them and acknowledging it. It is thinking about their needs more than your own. It is forgiving them. It is wanting to show your love in tangible ways.
 
What acts of love can you do? What words of love can you speak? The amazing thing is that once you start acting in love and speaking in loving ways, you might just begin feeling more loving toward your spouse. And your spouse just may begin responding to you in ways you would never have imagined!
 
Who does not want to feel cherished? What a wonderful gift to give this Valentine’s Day, from this day forward and forever more.

by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

With every new year comes an opportunity to take a closer look at parts of your life that may no longer serve you, and friendships are no exception. With life's busy schedule, it’s important to spend what limited time we have with people who fuel our spirit and bring us joy. Unfortunately, not all friendships fit these criteria. Of course, all friends can have their disagreements; that's normal but toxic friendships feel a little bit different.
 
So how can you tell if it’s time to reconsider a friendship?  Here are some questions to ask yourself when trying to identify toxic relationships.
 

1. Let's begin with the most obvious, how do you feel when you’re around them? Do you go home after spending time together feeling drained, negative, and exhausted? 
2. When you're together, is the focus always on them? Do they only talk about themselves and neglect asking about how you’re doing?
3. Do they monopolize the friendship and get jealous if you have other friends?
4. Do they feel threatened by your success, and not encourage you to be your best self?
5. Do they stir the pot and cause trouble in your other relationships?
6. Are they not willing to work on the friendship and hear your concerns?
7. Do they continuously disrespect your boundaries?

 
If the answer to most of these questions is yes, then it may be time to reconsider the importance and value of this relationship.  Breaking up with a friend can be difficult but before you cut them out completely start with an honest conversation about how you feel. It’s best if this conversation takes place in-person and not by text message. Remember to be respectful and focus on how their behavior makes you feel. For example, “I feel hurt when you don’t ask me about how I’m doing because it makes me think that I’m not that important to you.”
 
If your friend doesn’t listen to you or doesn’t actively make changes to improve the relationship, then it might be time to put some distance between the two of you.
 
Losing a friend is never easy. Seek support from friends that lift you up and care about you, or talk to your therapist for help with working through what you’re feeling.  Remember that not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime, some have just run their course and that’s okay.

by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Remember the old 90’s song More Than Words, by Extreme?  It was that heart stopping moment at all high school and middle school dances for years!  The enduring love song that pulled every teenage guy and girl to the dance floor with that special someone.
 
Turns out Nuno Battencourt and Gary Cherone were really onto something with their hit song.  In the first stanza of music, Cherone sings, “...how easy it would be to show you how I feel.”  Showing how we feel is exactly what we do!  In fact, researchers suggest that up to 75% of what we say is shown to others via non-verbal communication.  In some instances, it is suggested that 90% is more accurate.  That’s a whole lot more than words!  For example, when the above-mentioned special song was played, and that special someone pulled you kicking and screaming onto the dance floor, what was being said, or communicated, in that moment?  Perhaps the non-verbal communication revealed an attraction?  Or maybe you were the last person left standing.  That is what makes this type of communication especially difficult.  It has to be interpreted.  You may be thinking, “She loves me!!!”  Meanwhile she is really communicating, “Ugh… he’ll have to do.”
 
The world of communication is complex and affected by cultural experience as well.  In American culture, looking someone in the eye affirmatively depicts respect, and attention.  In other cultures, looking away is that signal of respect.  Look an animal in the eye… a challenge!
 
You may be freaked out by the realization of all that you have communicated non-verbally recently, and want to know how not to hemorrhage any more friends?!  Excellent question!  How do we affirmatively communicate with people?  First, think about what you want from the interaction. Maybe most important — keep the phone in your pocket or purse.  If it goes off… IGNORE IT!  That choice speaks non-verbal volumes.  It says to the communication partner that they are more important than whatever is on that device.  Maintain eye contact (don’t you dare look down at that phone), and nod at your communication partner when you understand what they are saying.  I wonder what we communicate to others when we give in to temptation and examine our phones in their presence? 
 
The ability to maintain an awareness of the things that you communicate that are far more than words is a valuable interpersonal communication skill.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

 The most common issue bringing couples into counseling is the need for better communication around conflict. The first session often involves lengthy tales of the many ways seemingly non-conflictual topics escalate, with one or both parties getting angry. The discussion quickly goes off the rails with past insults brought up, long-standing frustrations shouted, and hurt feelings all around. Ultimately, no resolution is reached, and the issue will inevitably be an ongoing source of repeated conflict in the future.
 
One technique that I often suggest is the use of ‘time out.’ This is a bit different than the time out of childhood, in which a child is isolated for a time as a consequence for poor behavior. This ‘time out’ is an effective way to de-escalate intensity between two adults, and allows for a more focused and constructive return to the conflictual topic when cooler heads prevail.
 
Many couple conflicts occur when one party “blindsides” the other with a complaint or accusation. The blindsided party will usually respond with defensiveness almost immediately—because they didn’t see the “attack” coming. The “attacker” has likely been stewing over the issue for a while, and is on the offense.
 
Features of the ‘time out’ technique include:

1. Agreement ahead of any conflict that ‘time out’ may be called by either party.
2. Recognition by one or both parties of either person’s emotional escalation; likely headed to a point of unproductive and regretful words.
3. Non-judgmental suggestion that a ‘time out’ is needed. Once agreed to, this can simply involve leaving the room or the discussion, with the understanding that both parties will be intentional about focusing on de-escalation of emotion, and a re-focus on the specific issue at hand.
4. MOST IMPORTANT – the person calling for the ‘time out’ MUST also be the person who suggests a time for returning to the discussion. For example:

 
 “Listen, we are both pretty heated right now, and I don’t want to fight with you. How about we take a ‘time out’, and come back to this discussion tomorrow morning over coffee?”
 
‘Time out’ is NOT a method for avoiding or ignoring the conflict. Rather, it creates opportunity to navigate the conflict more effectively. ‘Time out’ allows both parties to return to the discussion prepared and emotionally stable once again. The conversation is re-engaged on a level playing field, offering a greater likelihood for satisfactory resolution of the issue.

In any relationship, people gauge if it is safe to be open with their thoughts and feelings based on the response of the other person. If the common experience with someone is to receive criticism or dismissal of your viewpoint, then you are less likely to share openly. When people don’t share openly, they withdraw, shut down, or become defensive in return.
 
Think of the parent child relationship in this context. Most parents would like their kids to share more of their inner world, their challenges and dreams. How many parents can listen without judging and just receive what their kid is sharing? Even with the best intentions, many parents dismiss their kid’s fears and tell them everything will be okay. How much more sharing would kids do if they felt their viewpoint would be heard and validated as important?
 
In marriage communication we can get very invested in our perspective and struggle to pause our viewpoint long enough to genuinely try to understand our spouse’s perspective. This results in either a lot of arguing or a lot of avoidance of meaningful conversation.
 
Most of us long for relationships that feel safe to say what we really feel. Unfortunately, we can get caught up in our own agendas, perspectives and priorities which then filters what we hear and how we respond. Even if we believe we are operating with the other’s best interests in mind, if it is according to our view and not theirs, we are most likely shutting down vulnerability and honest communication.
 
The solution lies in humility. Rare is the person who listens with this approach: “I will pause my agenda and listen with an open mind because then I can better understand their priorities and values.” The key is having humility to listen to a perspective that might differ from our own. The author in Proverbs 11:2 aptly stated, “With humility comes wisdom.” Paul wrote in Philippians 4:2, “In humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Both verses point to the benefits of humility. Humility promotes wisdom in communicating with others and placing a priority on their interests over ours. If we adopt this approach, our kids and our partner will come to trust that we desire to understand them fully. We consider their perspective as important as our own. We are open to an idea that might not align with our wishes, but could still produce a reasonable outcome. For example, I might not be thrilled with my daughter wanting to attend a certain concert, but I will pause my concerns and allow her to share her reasons for wanting to go. Understanding her perspective is equally as important as my thoughts on the matter. We can then process the subject with both of our perspectives rather than me shooting hers down at the outset. I may not hold the same value as my husband in spending money on his hobby, but because I value him, I will humbly listen to his thoughts on the subject with respect.
 
Can you imagine how different the past year of social media would look if we applied humility in our desire to understand views different from our own? We could pause our soap boxes and words of contempt to hear how the other arrived at such a different conclusion on the subject. The goal would be understanding and not landing a zinger at someone else’s expense. The outcome would undoubtedly be more productive than what actually happened.
 
This is why counseling is helpful. Counselors listen with a priority to understand, not forward their own agenda. The client feels heard, understood and respected in their perspective. The dynamic also differs in that the counselor is able to listen objectively and does not get triggered emotionally as a parent or spouse might. If you are yearning to be heard, try listening to the other with humility. If it feels too challenging in the moment, consider working with a professional counselor who can help you grow in your communication skills and relationships.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In the jungle there are predators and the prey they search for. If the prey isn’t careful, doesn’t have their eyes open for possible trouble, they will get eaten. In some ways, that is how it is for married people who don’t have their eyes open for predators looking to attack their marriage through infidelity.  Sometimes it is more innocent than that. Sometimes it begins when no one was looking for it to happen. Either way, if you are married and spending time communicating with a member of the opposite sex regularly, you need to open your eyes for trouble coming.
 
It can be a co-worker, a neighbor, a fellow volunteer, an old friend. When you start to communicate by text or social media with someone outside your marriage and you know your spouse would not be happy about it, shut it down. Once you have gone into regular contact, you are already justifying behavior that will be a problem for you. If it continues, you are entering into the fantasy of an unrealistic relationship that doesn’t involve bills, children, household chores or in-laws. It becomes someone to talk to that supports you, understands you and admires you. It becomes addicting to get that when you aren’t feeling the same response from your mate. If you are more than two conversations in, you will have inflicted pain in your marriage that will take time and effort to heal. The longer it continues, the more devastating the wreckage will be to clean up. Please do not underestimate the pain of betrayal and the steep climb to rebuild trust.
 
As a marriage counselor, I often work with couples trying to recover from infidelity. There are varying degrees, and I have seen many couples reconcile. A common misunderstanding is that if it wasn’t physical, it isn’t a big deal. For the spouse who learns their partner has been talking about them to someone else and saying admiring things to that other person, it is a very big deal. If you are just starting a conversation or are contemplating stepping in that direction, I implore you to seek marriage counseling. Find out how to feel that extra spark with your partner, the co-parent of your children. Examine yourself to understand what you are contributing to the problems in your marriage. The relationships we invest in will be the ones we enjoy most.