Relationships and Marriage

Be Careful Your Marriage Doesn't Fall Prey To Infidelity

5/10/2021

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In the jungle there are predators and the prey they search for. If the prey isn’t careful, doesn’t have their eyes open for possible trouble, they will get eaten. In some ways, that is how it is for married people who don’t have their eyes open for predators looking to attack their marriage through infidelity. Sometimes it is more innocent than that. Sometimes it begins when no one was looking for it to happen. Either way, if you are married and spending time communicating with a member of the opposite sex regularly, you need to open your eyes for trouble coming.

It can be a co-worker, a neighbor, a fellow volunteer, an old friend. When you start to communicate by text or social media with someone outside your marriage and you know your spouse would not be happy about it, shut it down. Once you have gone into regular contact, you are already justifying behavior that will be a problem for you. If it continues, you are entering into the fantasy of an unrealistic relationship that doesn’t involve bills, children, household chores or in-laws. It becomes someone to talk to that supports you, understands you and admires you. It becomes addicting to get that when you aren’t feeling the same response from your mate. If you are more than two conversations in, you will have inflicted pain in your marriage that will take time and effort to heal. The longer it continues, the more devastating the wreckage will be to clean up. Please do not underestimate the pain of betrayal and the steep climb to rebuild trust.

As a marriage counselor, I often work with couples trying to recover from infidelity. There are varying degrees, and I have seen many couples reconcile. A common misunderstanding is that if it wasn’t physical, it isn’t a big deal. For the spouse who learns their partner has been talking about them to someone else and saying admiring things to that other person, it is a very big deal. If you are just starting a conversation or are contemplating stepping in that direction, I implore you to seek marriage counseling. Find out how to feel that extra spark with your partner, the co-parent of your children. Examine yourself to understand what you are contributing to the problems in your marriage. The relationships we invest in will be the ones we enjoy most.

Five Possible Reasons To Seek Marital Help

2/22/2021

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

If you spent the past year living and working within your home like most of us, you have probably experienced your marriage in a new way.

Maybe you are delighted to eliminate business travel, late meetings and are enjoying lunch with your mate. That’s wonderful. For many couples, it has been a trying time of combining work, parenting, tutoring and marriage dynamics all day, every day. It might be clarifying things you were too busy to notice before about your relationship; or too busy to address.

If any of the following descriptions fit, it is time to focus on your marriage so you can have a healthier, happier relationship.

There is little connection between the two of you. Your conversations focus on logistics of the day, the week, the kids. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on any subject of substance for fear it would be ignored, rejected or ridiculed. You are lonely and long for the genuine pleasure of the company of your spouse.
Conversations quickly escalate to angry words and conflict. You feel misunderstood and unfairly accused. You don’t feel heard by your spouse and each has become defensive. You long for the opportunity to have a calm conversation about issues that concern you without feeling attacked.
One or both of you are battling depression or anxiety. It has changed that person and made them harder to reach. How to help them? How do you address their pain and still get your needs met in the relationship?
The difference in your parenting styles or issues with your kids have come into sharp focus and you need help. Patience is wearing thin and things are not improving. How do you get on the same page and support your child?
You wonder if your spouse is looking outside of your marriage for fulfillment. Or, you are vulnerable to that friendly co-worker for just a warm conversation without any criticism. You struggle to trust each other. One of you is on the brink of an affair or it has already begun.

If your relationship resembles any of the above scenarios, you need the help of a counselor. They can help you clarify your problems and begin working towards a closer connection and a much more fulfilling marriage.

Don’t wait.

Healing your marriage could be the good thing that came from a global pandemic.

Acceptance Versus Comparison

12/6/2020

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Do you ever find yourself comparing your husband, your wife, your child to another? Your friend’s husband loves to cook and you think, “Why doesn’t my husband ever cook?” Your friend’s wife is skilled in decorating, and you wonder how great your house would look if your wife could do that. You attend the school ceremonies and wish your child was going up to receive awards for outstanding grades. This could be especially tempting when a relationship is struggling. Why isn’t my husband more patient like so and so? Why does my wife spend more money than Joe’s wife?

The truth is, there are many positives to find in our loved ones, but it takes a willingness to see them. Comparisons often involve what is familiar and expected. If mom was a great cook, then your wife should be. If dad was super handy, then your husband should be. We could spend our days lost in the disappointment of comparisons when in fact there is so much to celebrate. If we open our eyes to all someone brings instead of what is missing, we gain the pleasure of contentment. There is a choice to accept this skill / gift over that one. Your child may not be very organized, but they have a kind heart! Your husband might not be handy, but look how he engages with the kids.

The acceptance of personality styles and varied talents leads to affirmation over criticism. Acceptance breeds contentment and a closer connection in the relationship.

Not What, But How

10/19/2020

by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Communication is important in any relationship, and the delivery of the message makes all the difference. Imagine you’ve been feeling frustrated by your spouse, parent, or friend and you have finally decided that you’re going to let them know just how you feel. You march right into the room, ready to let your grievances be heard but, you’re met with resistance, anger, or worse--complete silence. The outcome isn’t what you expected and now you’re even more frustrated and angry.

This scenario is all too common and often leads to a breakdown in communication. What I tell all of my clients, as well as my own kids, is that It’s not only WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.

Choosing your words wisely, along with your tone of voice, can make all the difference in how your message will be received. If a person feels like they are being attacked they will simply stop listening. It’s important to be clear with what you would like to say. So instead of, “I’m sick of you not helping around the house” try, “I feel very overwhelmed with all the household responsibilities. Do you think we could divide some of the chores between us?”

It may not always be easy to voice your grievances calmly, especially in the heat of the moment. But if what you are trying to say is truly important to you, it is more constructive to be clear, and calm and to choose your words wisely.

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