Relationships and Marriage

Five Possible Reasons To Seek Marital Help

2/22/2021

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you spent the past year living and working within your home like most of us, you have probably experienced your marriage in a new way.

Maybe you are delighted to eliminate business travel, late meetings and are enjoying lunch with your mate. That’s wonderful. For many couples, it has been a trying time of combining work, parenting, tutoring and marriage dynamics all day, every day. It might be clarifying things you were too busy to notice before about your relationship; or too busy to address.

If any of the following descriptions fit, it is time to focus on your marriage so you can have a healthier, happier relationship.

There is little connection between the two of you. Your conversations focus on logistics of the day, the week, the kids. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on any subject of substance for fear it would be ignored, rejected or ridiculed. You are lonely and long for the genuine pleasure of the company of your spouse.
Conversations quickly escalate to angry words and conflict. You feel misunderstood and unfairly accused. You don’t feel heard by your spouse and each has become defensive. You long for the opportunity to have a calm conversation about issues that concern you without feeling attacked.
One or both of you are battling depression or anxiety. It has changed that person and made them harder to reach. How to help them? How do you address their pain and still get your needs met in the relationship?
The difference in your parenting styles or issues with your kids have come into sharp focus and you need help. Patience is wearing thin and things are not improving. How do you get on the same page and support your child?
You wonder if your spouse is looking outside of your marriage for fulfillment. Or, you are vulnerable to that friendly co-worker for just a warm conversation without any criticism. You struggle to trust each other. One of you is on the brink of an affair or it has already begun.

If your relationship resembles any of the above scenarios, you need the help of a counselor. They can help you clarify your problems and begin working towards a closer connection and a much more fulfilling marriage.

Don’t wait.

Healing your marriage could be the good thing that came from a global pandemic.

Acceptance Versus Comparison

12/6/2020

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Do you ever find yourself comparing your husband, your wife, your child to another? Your friend’s husband loves to cook and you think, “Why doesn’t my husband ever cook?” Your friend’s wife is skilled in decorating, and you wonder how great your house would look if your wife could do that. You attend the school ceremonies and wish your child was going up to receive awards for outstanding grades. This could be especially tempting when a relationship is struggling. Why isn’t my husband more patient like so and so? Why does my wife spend more money than Joe’s wife?

The truth is, there are many positives to find in our loved ones, but it takes a willingness to see them. Comparisons often involve what is familiar and expected. If mom was a great cook, then your wife should be. If dad was super handy, then your husband should be. We could spend our days lost in the disappointment of comparisons when in fact there is so much to celebrate. If we open our eyes to all someone brings instead of what is missing, we gain the pleasure of contentment. There is a choice to accept this skill / gift over that one. Your child may not be very organized, but they have a kind heart! Your husband might not be handy, but look how he engages with the kids.

The acceptance of personality styles and varied talents leads to affirmation over criticism. Acceptance breeds contentment and a closer connection in the relationship.

The Healing Power of Listening

6/16/2020

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A professional counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you and your partner learn and practice better listening skills so that you each are actually heard.

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

So much is broken in our world. There is injustice, sickness and job loss. Relationships are broken. We feel isolated, fearful, angry and even despairing. Listening can be a powerful force for healing these problems.

Listening well gives us insight into another’s perspective and can change incorrect assumptions that lead to anger. It can make us more aware of how others are being treated or experiencing life and hopefully bring forth greater empathy and compassion. Having someone listen to our pain somehow makes it feel a little better.

Talking about job loss can stimulate new ideas for work or career change. Listening can help those who are lonely. How life-giving it would be if we asked, “what must life be like for …?”, and then were intentional about asking! Having someone help us name our fears and explore them often makes them seem less powerful and more manageable. When they stay inside, they can become more irrational and terrifying.

Perhaps you don’t have someone in your life who listens well. A good professional counselor will listen well with the intention to understand.

The most powerful listening occurs when we listen to the One who created us. He can change our hearts, bring healing to our broken relationships, and set us free from anger and fear. He can provide direction and turn our despair into hope. The Creator desires to use us to facilitate healing. He had a reason for giving us two ears and one mouth.

Encouraging Words for Disappointed Brides and Grooms

5/17/2020

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Reach out to a relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling if your relationship can use some help.

In this pandemic quarantine we are experiencing loss in multiple ways. The impact this pandemic is having on so many is hard, and for brides and grooms it’s especially difficult. After months of planning, saving and dreaming of their wedding day, they are having to cancel, postpone or scale it back to immediate family. It is a lot of effort to plan a wedding, and the sudden cancellation of it is justifiably painful. However, this situation might also present an opportunity.

When a couple moves closer to their wedding day, discussions tend to focus on wedding details. What is often missed is how they are doing in their relationship. How do they communicate and resolve issues? Are they able to discuss hurt and misunderstandings that occur? Do they feel emotionally connected or dismissed and discounted? Are there healthy boundaries for both families equally or is one set of parents running over the couple? Unfortunately, as the wedding approaches, these concerns get pushed to the back burner to be addressed later, if at all.

Although the cancellation of the big event brings its own stress, hopefully it allows the focus to return to their relationship. How do they handle disappointment? Are they still excited to get married without the big party? Do they feel supported by the other in their stress? No matter when you are getting married, if you recognize your relationship could use some help, please reach out to a professional for pre-marital counseling.

Healthy and long-lasting relationships are more important than beautiful weddings.

Will Our Marriage Ever Be Back To Normal?

4/28/2020

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A professional counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you and your partner get back to

Just saw a funny meme that said, “For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or are they going to relocate us?”

Perhaps some of you have had similar thoughts about your spouse. You wonder how you can make your marriage work so that a second quarantine could be more enjoyable. The quarantine has a way of shining its light on the holes and hurts in your marriage. Problems that have been placed on the back burner when life was busy are now coming to the forefront. The disconnect in your marriage is only adding to your overall anxiety during this pandemic.

The quarantine light is revealing lots of new things, many not so good: new views of your spouse at work, maybe working too much or too little. Their messy work space has invaded your peaceful gathering place for dinner. There is an underlying tension and irritability between you and your spouse that goes beyond the current tension of a barking dog or noisy kids during a business call.

For those whose work has been deemed “non-essential”, the stress of lost income, fear of not having a job to return to, or the lost hope of reopening a business you have spent years building, all add a new level of stress. You may be fearful, depressed, irritable and anxious; perhaps sleeping too much or too little, eating too much or not enough, wondering if life will ever be the same?

But there’s something more going on than the common pandemic stressors. Just being in your spouse’s presence causes feelings of irritability and sadness. Destructive habits of criticism and withdrawal from each other have become the norm. Apathy has set in. Walls have been erected. What has happened to your early love? Years of neglect, unresolved hurts and unforgiveness cause the heart to grow cold.

What can you do? Is it possible to have this time of quarantine be a life-changer for your marriage? Absolutely!

START WITH YOURSELF:
Ask the Lord to show you all the ways you have hurt your spouse. Write them down. Ask Him to help you feel grief for all those hurts. Ask Him to forgive you. Then go to your spouse with your list and ask if there are more ways you have been hurtful. Listen to the hurts. Ask for forgiveness. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Extending grace and forgiveness to each other is key to the healing process.

COMMIT TO A NEW START:
Assume the best about each other. Imagine what this time is like for your spouse. Encourage conversation and pour out extra love and patience. It may just return in twofold measure.

Filling up your gas tank lately has been easy on the pocketbook. Filling up your spouse’s love tank will cost you very little and nothing else will yield a higher return of happiness. If you don’t know your spouse’s love language, find out at 5lovelanguages.com. Then, be intentional about expressing love in their love language, even if you don’t feel it at first.

Your marriage may be the one stressor you can control in this crisis, with some humility, forgiveness and effort. A few sessions with a professional counselor may speed the process. Video or phone counseling at this time can be very effective and there is still time before we return to normal. The good news is that your marriage will not just return to the way it was, but can emerge much stronger than ever before.

"Maybe Tonight Dear, Because I Love You"

3/4/2020

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to put each other's needs first and regain your sexual intimacy.

One of the greatest gifts to marriage can become its biggest challenge if couples aren’t careful. I am talking about sexual intimacy. Generally speaking, men have a stronger drive for sex than women, and it can get out of balance pretty quickly especially after children are born.

Most women are busy with work, children and running a household. By nightfall they are dreaming of rest. Most men are busy with work, kids and household chores and are dreaming of a romantic encounter at day’s end. How to navigate the difference in expectations without it becoming a wedge in the relationship?

For men who are frustrated that sex isn’t on their wife’s radar, take an honest look at your relationship. Great sex is not going to happen if two people are emotionally disconnected most of the time. Many women would love more romance in their marriage, but first they would like some help with the kids and someone interested in how their day went.

When intimacy sounds like one more demand placed on them, it’s important for women to remember that sexual intimacy is like oxygen for men. It is a primary way to connect emotionally to their wife, and regular rejection communicates wholesale rejection of them as a man. Women pour out extra effort when hosting friends, are they willing to pour out that extra effort to convey love and acceptance of their guy?

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to put each other's needs first and regain your sexual intimacy.

Unforgiveness In Marriage

1/26/2020

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A professional counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you and your partner break the toxic patterns of interaction that are hurting your relationship.

Many couples remain stuck in the same toxic patterns of interaction, never able to make progress.

Why?

Often because there are hurts from the past that have never been communicated, heard, understood and then forgiven. The results are ugly: anger, contempt, partners who are emotionally shut down, hardly able to look at each other, maybe sleeping separately. They cannot move forward until they have taken a few steps backward and for some, years backward.

We easily can identify how someone has hurt us. It takes humility and much soul-searching to see and acknowledge how we have hurt someone else. A couple must listen to each other’s hurts, empathize with the hurt, ask questions, listen, ask more questions and reflect until they begin to feel something. Perhaps for the first time, to cry over the pain they have caused. A softening begins, listening improves, and eventually both partners are open to forgive. Tears of joy flow with extending and receiving forgiveness.

If the couple are Christ followers, they know they must forgive as the Lord has forgiven them. That’s what love does. We love because He first loved us. We can enter into the wonderful cycle of being loved by our Creator, then loving and forgiving our spouse. We will get stuck again. But if we can articulate the hurt, listen to our spouse’s hurt, then we will be able, by God’s grace, to forgive again and again and again. Perhaps up to something like seventy times seven.

A professional counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you and your partner break the toxic patterns of interaction that are hurting your relationship.

Boundaries: Your Emotional Property Lines

6/4/2019

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A professional counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify boundary violations and develop ways to express yourself and hold others accountable

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

A few years ago, my husband and I bought a home in the country. One of the first things we did was enclose our new yard with a split rail fence along our property line. Although our primary purpose was to keep our two dogs in our yard, our fence represents so much more. It tells the world what we own and what we know is our responsibility.

Emotional boundaries function much the same way in our interpersonal relationships. An individual with healthy emotional boundaries understands what they “own” - and do not “own” - in their interactions with others. Conversely, people with unhealthy boundaries find it difficult to say “no” to others. Their behavior is often described as “enabling” because it allows another to continue to behave in ways that are destructive to themselves or to the existing relationship.

Healthy boundaries allow us to convey our thoughts and feelings in a conflict, while allowing the other person to do the same. We are able to recognize what part of a conflict we “own”—and what part we do not. It’s all about accountability in our relationships, and understanding that repair work requires effort from both sides of a conflict.

If you often find yourself feeling hurt, misunderstood, disrespected, or taken advantage of by others, chances are your emotional property line has been crossed. A professional counselor can help with identifying boundary violations and working toward the development of healthier ways to express yourself and to hold others accountable in your relationships.

V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E

4/22/2019

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to validate each other's perspective and truly listen to what you are each saying.

Almost everyone has heard of the hit song by Aretha Franklin, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It definitely makes for a catchier title and tune, but in many ways V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E is the unsung hero of great communication.

Validate is defined as “supporting the truth or value of”. When we share our feelings with a loved one, we long to know they support the truth of our perspective and value our feelings. The art of skilled listening is to be able to reflect back to someone their thoughts and feelings.

When two people argue over differing perspectives, they have a choice in how to proceed. They can dig in and continue to offer every point that supports their position. Or they can choose to truly listen to what the other person is saying and feeling and let them know their position has worth. This doesn’t mean they agree with it; it means they have paused their position long enough to really hear and understand the other person. It means they have not dismissed the other person as unreasonable or invalid.

The next step after you validate your partner’s perspective is to offer empathy. When you can put yourself in their position and attempt to experience their feelings on the matter, you are saying your feelings matter to me. “It sounds like you were hurt by my comments, and I can see how you would feel that way.” This involves choosing to listen and working to convey understanding to another. It can lead to beautiful harmony.

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to validate each other's perspective and truly listen to what you are each saying.

A Healthy Plan For Every Marriage

2/9/2019

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A faith-based marriage counselor can help you set boundaries with other family members when you marry so you can successfully leave the nest of parental dependency.

When two individuals choose to get married, they are entering into an exciting new season of life that they will always remember. They are bringing two unique people together who want to blend their strengths and contrasts, differing family backgrounds and create a new family of their own. God in his wisdom gave us a blueprint for this process of beginning marriage in Genesis 2:24. “Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

When we follow God’s plan closely, it is a healthy picture of two adult children who shift from a first priority relationship with mom and dad to prioritizing each other. As they are cleaving, they are becoming deeply emotionally attached to one another. They have each other’s back as their first priority over any other family member. They become one flesh physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. They are one unit. They put each other above all others and all commitments. Couples will not do this perfectly. However, when any of these three steps are not implemented, it leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.

For a couple to thrive, they MUST leave the nest of parental dependency. Usually this is harder for the parents to adhere to than the adult child. Many parents still see it as their decision how the new couple will spend their holidays, vacations, time with grandchildren, etc. It is born of love and a strong desire to maintain family traditions and maximum contact with their loved ones. However, it is no longer their decision to make! It is the responsibility of the new couple to set boundaries on time with their parents, if their parents are not graciously deferring to their adult children. This is challenging for all, yet it only gets harder if these expectations are not clarified within the first year of marriage and the arrival of grandchildren. When the families are blending, it is imperative that grandparents respect all parties involved and understand they share the grandkids with multiple parties.

No matter how long a couple dates before marriage, the first years of marriage are a time of growing emotionally closer to one another. Research has proven that healthy couples achieve closeness, emotional safety and security. God knew that would be the desire of their heart and the best version of marriage. When they are cleaving, they strive to resolve conflict respectfully and honestly. They don’t make decisions like major purchases or job changes or parenting choices without first consulting each other out of respect. They put the needs of their spouse above any other relationship including an ex, a child, or a parent. They share big news with each other first and only disclose what the other is comfortable sharing with others.

In Ephesians chapter 5, God shares the roles of husbands and wives. He includes loving each other sacrificially. He instructs both to put the needs of their spouse ahead of their own. In this way they become one as they care more about the other’s needs than their own. This involves physical intimacy needs, parenting, communication… Everything. At this point God intended for the couple to have developed their own identity separate from their parents. They are a new family unit that loves and respects each other as the most important relationship in their lives. They share their hearts and bodies with each other in a way unlike anyone else. They are one.

If you are newly married or have been for a long time and are struggling in any of these areas, I hope you will take the time to evaluate which step needs attention. God is the creator of marriage and therefore has a very reliable blueprint to follow for a strong marriage. If you need assistance with any part of these steps, please consider reaching out to a faith-based marriage counselor to help you set boundaries with other family members, grow closer emotionally, and become one with your spouse.

Planning A Marriage Is More Important Than Planning A Wedding

11/4/2018

by Wendy Warner, LPC

If you are an engaged couple, you have many exciting things to think about. There are wedding rings to buy, dates to book, flowers and a cake to order, not to mention the all-important wedding gown! Something that might not be on your ‘to do’ list is premarital counseling. Consider that long after the excitement of the wedding day passes, your day to day relationship becomes very important. Even the most committed couples will experience some bumps in the road that might not fade away over time.

Have you dated long enough to know how to manage conflict and communicate successfully? Do you know how to pursue emotional intimacy and speak each other’s love language to ensure you stay closely connected? Have you discussed how you will set boundaries during holidays with your families as a couple? Are there topics that turn into a fight so quickly that you have just decided to avoid them? Is there a dynamic in your relationship that concerns you, but it feels difficult to address with your fiancée?

The merging of two individuals and families almost guarantees the need for growth in relationship skills. Premarital counseling is considered a key ingredient in keeping marriages strong. As a Christian counselor, I help couples understand the biblical roles of husband and wife as well as specific communication, conflict and emotional needs for the couple. An engaged couple that pursues premarital counseling is wise in planning for a happy life after the wedding day.

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you understand your roles as husband and wife as well as specific communication tools to stay engaged.

Are You Clothed In Kindness?

8/12/2018

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to use kinder and more patient questions, allowing your partner to feel loved and valued.

Whether we are a parent, spouse or friend, most would like to be thought of as someone who builds others up.

If we listened to ourselves, what would we hear? Do we take opportunities to speak appreciation? Do we believe the best about each other? Or in “jest” do we put people down; use condemning words that show exasperation, or communicate we don’t have faith in others? “Could you look up from your phone once in a while?” “I figured you would be late.” “Nice going genius.” “Did it even occur to you to call?”

Colossians 3:12-13 speaks about clothing ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. It calls us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have against one another. To be clothed in something implies you can see it on someone immediately. Do my words speak noticeable compassion and kindness? Do my facial expressions and tone represent visible humility, gentleness and patience? Do I typically convey I’m trying to bear with family members and forgive rather than hanging onto grievances?

I have learned in my own relationships and as a Christian counselor the impact of choosing respect and humility over sarcasm. When the effort is made to use kind and patient questions, the other person feels valued and understood rather than belittled.

What are you clothed with? Is it time to change your wardrobe of words? The changes in relationships are worth the effort, but will require practice. Try wearing gentleness tomorrow.

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to use kinder and more patient questions, allowing your partner to feel loved and valued.

Conflict Is So Hard At Times!

6/10/2018

by Wendy Warner, LPC

I am a counselor. I help people resolve conflicts daily. But no matter how experienced you are on this topic, it can be very challenging to handle it well at times.

I recently had a tough conversation with someone I care about. The flood of emotions I felt during and after our discussion went something like this: I felt wrongly accused and hurt that someone I thought was safe was turning against me; I felt misunderstood and unfairly judged when I tried to explain my perspective.

I alternated between wanting to cry and feeling really mad. In hindsight, I recognized that I had violated the “Rules for Fighting Fair” that I have shared with my clients hundreds of times. It all felt very muddy and confusing. Why couldn’t I be understood? Why was it so hard to stay calm when I know that it is much more helpful to do so? I realized that the conversation went on longer than was productive. I struggled to validate the other person’s point of view as I did not feel validated myself. We got stuck.

I thought about how a counselor would be helpful in this situation. An emotionally uninvolved and objective counselor is able to reflect more clearly on a situation than someone who is upset and hurting. Do you find yourself feeling “stuck” regularly in a certain relationship? If so, a counselor can help sort it out from an unbiased perspective and bring clarity and relief from the frustration and hurt.

Happy Day After Valentine's Day

2/14/2018

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify ways to put your partner first and recapture that unselfish love you had at the beginning

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and many are feeling disappointed with their experience. He didn’t sweep her off her feet as she had envisioned, and she wasn’t into being a lingerie runway model as he had fantasized. That is what our culture tells us Valentine’s Day is about… gifts, romance, an expensive dinner and incredible sexual intimacy to top it all off.

Those expectations set most of us up for disappointment since they are based on superficial symbols of love. It’s like we buy into the hype; if we have a good Valentine’s Day, all is well in our relationship. And if it falls short, we must have a problem.

But what about the heart of love? I don’t mean the chocolate kind, I mean the putting each other first, I want to know you deeply kind of love that lasts more than just one day in February. When we define our love as what we receive from the other, we are destined for dissatisfaction because we are using the wrong model. The best model ever given was written two thousand years ago.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Most of us would trade in a lot of chocolate and roses for a relationship that followed this model:

She forgot to pick up the dry cleaning? He patiently and kindly says he can get it on his way home tomorrow. She receives a bonus at work? He celebrates her big news without a hint of envy or thoughts of himself. He lost weight while she is struggling to do so? He will not rub that in her face or make her feel badly about herself. They get in a fight? They are not too proud to say I’m sorry. Other wives at the party are tearing down their husbands? She affirms what she admires about him in front of others. She asks about his day and listens closely before talking about hers. She chooses to hold her tongue from angry words when he is late for dinner.

He does not list all the times she has let him down. She does not look for ways to condemn him; she looks for opportunities to build him up. He will stand up for her to his family. They will not need to check each other’s phones because they trust each other. They don’t threaten divorce; they say we are going to make it. They make mistakes in their relationship and they commit to taking responsibility and growing stronger as a couple.

This is the kind of love that wakes up each day committed to the other in ways large and small. This is the kind of love that recognizes the damage of hurtful words and strives for the self-control not to say them. This love sacrifices her first choice of taking a hot bath to watch a hockey game with her husband when he asks. This love says I find you more attractive than anyone else, and I desire you. This love is strengthened by asking God to guide their relationship and seeks his help in difficult times. This love says if we are struggling, let’s find support through our church, mentor or counselor rather than building a wall between us.

I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. But if you didn’t, there are 364 days left in the year to apply this model that will have a far deeper impact on your relationship.

Happy Day after Valentine’s Day!

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify ways to put your partner first and recapture that unselfish love you had at the beginning.

Is It Really Just a Friendly Conversation?

11/19/2017

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A couples counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify red flags that threaten your relationship and honesty with each other so that you can takes steps to stay connected.

Have you heard that a frog will sit in a pot of water on a stove unaware that the temperature is rising until it boils and cooks him? He is fully capable of jumping out and saving himself, but he doesn’t because he does not realize he is in danger.

Couples that dabble in social media relationships are a lot like frogs. It might begin innocently enough when someone starts chatting with an old friend from high school or texting with a co-worker. The conversations don’t seem like a threat to anyone’s marriage and they slowly become more frequent. By the time feelings are developing or a spouse stumbles upon the messages exchanged, it’s too late to jump out. You’re already cooked.

Here are two crucial red flags to recognize to protect your marriage. If you find yourself having any kind of exchange with someone that would make you uncomfortable to share with your spouse, it needs to stop immediately. If you look forward to connecting to this online relationship more than talking with your spouse, you are sharing your heart with the wrong person. You need to be taking that relationship building effort to your marriage, not to someone else.

If you realize that it has been a while since you looked forward to spending time with your spouse, it is critical to address that sooner rather than later. Be honest with yourselves about the status of your relationship and seek couples counseling to regain your connection with each other.

A couples counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify red flags that threaten your relationship and honesty with each other so that you can takes steps to stay connected.

The Havoc of ADHD in Marriage

10/1/2017

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

An ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify and overcome signs of ADHD that can damage a relationship.

The addition of ADD/ADHD into the already complicated equation of marriage can result in both partners feeling unloved. Some of the negative (and there are many positives) aspects of ADHD such as impulsiveness, distraction, procrastination, disorganization, and lack of follow-through can wreak havoc in a relationship.

Love is kind.   The impulsive ADHD brain sometimes says unkind things without thinking.

Love listens.   The ADHD mind wanders and is distracted.

Love thinks about the other.   The ADHD brain procrastinates and may not do what it should for the other.

Love trusts.   The ADHD spouse may have difficulty being on time or following through with what was promised.

Love respects the other’s wishes.   The ADHD spouse may have a hard time complying with the other’s desire for order in the house.

Often, the ADHD spouse may be very sensitive to criticism due to having been criticized and misunderstood from a young age. Any perceived criticism may put the ADHD spouse on the defensive, complicating communication and increasing frustration for both parties.

What is it like to have ADHD?

What is it like for my spouse to live with my ADHD?

What is the answer to what often feels like a chaotic mess?

Educate yourself about ADHD and sharpen your communication skills. Stop criticizing and seek to understand one another.

As an ADHD counselor who understands this complicated dynamic, I recommend couples counseling. Understanding what behaviors are a result of ADHD is a huge part of navigating this most exciting, yet challenging, journey.

An ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify and overcome signs of ADHD that can damage a relationship.

Can I Trust You?

7/23/2017

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify ways to overcome dishonesty and mistrust in your relationships.

Let me start by stating the obvious: honesty in relationships is essential. We all want to believe that our partner is willing to tell us the truth in matters great and small. We want the people we are in relationship with to believe us. There are great benefits to telling the truth. In marriage, truth is the key to trust and building an emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy. Trust leads to security in the relationship, an absence of anxiety and the wonderful experience of feeling valued and loved.

Having said that, why is there so much dishonesty and mistrust in relationships? Fear plays a major role in blocking us from telling the truth at all times. Fear of conflict, fear of rejection, fear of judgment, failure, pain, or abandonment. Just as there are strong benefits to the truth, there are painful consequences for lying. Trust is shattered and must be slowly rebuilt. Lying creates anger and hurt in the relationship that resurfaces over and over again. Lying creates mistrust or jealousy for the partner and a fear of being discovered for the untruthful one. After a very short time of dishonesty, security in the relationship is lost and staying emotionally close becomes almost impossible.

If you find yourself in a pattern where fear overrides your ability to be truthful in a relationship, counseling can help you discover the origin of your fear. If you struggle to trust in a relationship, counseling can help identify and address those issues as well.

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify ways to overcome dishonesty and mistrust in your relationships.

Do You Understand Me? Do You Care About Me?

5/29/2017

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify ways to listen with care to a friend or partner and let them know you understand their emotional experience.

Think about the last time you were good and mad about something. What if your closest friend discovered you in your fuming state and told you to stop feeling angry? You know, just turn it off, and stop experiencing the pounding heart, the indignation, the desire to stomp your feet. It would be pretty difficult and might even make you madder. When we are upset, we want someone to try to understand how we got there.

In relationships we can inadvertently send the message, stop feeling those feelings. If someone we love is frustrated, hurt or angry, it is important to validate their emotional experience. It isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing with them, but rather listening to understand and letting them know we care that they are upset. Sometimes the recipient can focus primarily on eliminating the volume or anger in the room. If the one who is upset receives the message that their emotions are wrong or unimportant, they will feel dismissed, misunderstood, or worse — not cared about.

It is not okay for anyone to be disrespectful in their hurt or anger. However, it will help de-escalate their extreme emotions if they hear, “I understand you are pretty upset. I would like to talk to you about it and understand what happened.” In this way we can come alongside them with a desire to understand their emotional experience. Our loved one will feel cared about, and that begins soothing whatever got them so upset in the first place.

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify ways to listen with care to a friend or partner and let them know you understand their emotional experience.

Lost in Translation: How a Fight with Your Spouse Blocks the Real Message

4/16/2017

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A marriage counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help understand conflict dynamics and gain insight into more effective ways to work through disagreements and misunderstandings.

We have all had that moment with our spouse when they say something that strikes a nerve and we reply out of irritation or defensiveness. The longer the issue has gone unresolved, the faster the fight escalates. The irony is that at the root of most fights is the distress that the relationship is threatened with a loss of close connection. Both partners are trying to restore the connection in their own way.

Most women attempt to restore the relationship by pursuing the issue when they feel the tension of their husband’s annoyance. They want to return to a secure connection with their mate, so they try to resolve it. Unfortunately, the repair attempt isn’t always communicated with soothing words. It could sound more like, “What is that supposed to mean?!” The message of repair gets lost.

Most men find conflict uncomfortable and attempt to shut it down to minimize the distress on the relationship. Unfortunately that can be received by their spouse as withdrawing, not being accessible emotionally or outright rejection.

It is helpful to understand these dynamics in conflict. If we can see the pursue/withdraw pattern as the problem and not our spouse, we are able to gain insight and patience in a tense moment. This is the basis of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, developed by Dr. Susan Johnson. As a marriage counselor who practices EFCT, I help couples learn how to better understand the original message and the feelings that got lost in translation during their fights.

A marriage counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help understand conflict dynamics and gain insight into more effective ways to work through disagreements and misunderstandings.

That Really Hurt…

1/28/2017

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you resolve hurt between yourself and others with humility and respect for everyone involved.

We’ve all been there. Someone close to you has offended you, probably not intentionally, but it sure felt that way. The offense may have left you feeling disrespected, misunderstood and angry. So, what do you do with all this hurt?

A good approach is outlined in Matthew 18:15. “If your brother sins against you, GO and tell him his fault, between you and him ALONE.” How often do we do everything BUT this? We will keep it in and go over and over the offense in our minds, often to the point of preoccupation or making ourselves physically sick. Or we will go and talk about it with everyone other than the one who offended us. How would we feel if we unknowingly offended someone and everyone knew about it but us?

Sometimes we believe that holding on to our hurt and placing a distance between ourself and the offender is a way to gain control; maybe even a way to change the person who hurt us. The truth is, we do not have the power to change anyone. God holds that power. Holding on to hurt, anger and unforgiveness changes us— for the worst. It sucks the life out of us. It can affect our physical and emotional health. It will get in the way of our relationship with God.

Going to your offender in a humble and respectful way could result in a win-win. Both of you grow and your relationship becomes stronger!

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you resolve hurt between yourself and others with humility and respect for everyone involved.

When Is The Right Time To Call A Couples Counselor?

1/15/2017

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you assess where your relationship is at with your partner and whether individual or couples counseling can help.

As a counselor who works with hurting couples, I am often struck by the timing of the call for help. Many couples seek counseling after years of marriage stating they have been hurting for a long time but did not know how to address it with each other. In some cases, one member of the couple is so hurt and angry, they struggle to find a desire to restore a marriage with someone they deeply resent. After one or two sessions of counseling, the angriest spouse gives up and files for divorce. This is a tragedy that could have been prevented in most cases.

When is the right time to pursue help in a hurting marriage? Think of it like a crack in the foundation of your house. If you address it when it is merely a crack, there will be less damage to repair. However, if you ignore it, you will have major damage to multiple areas that need repair. Here are some signs that it might be time to call a counselor:

It does not feel safe to share feelings openly and honestly
Conflicts are shut down and not resolved
Criticism and defensiveness are a regular part of your communication
You are lonely, craving more closeness and connection

If you have considered finding a couples counselor who can be objective and provide support, I encourage you to heed that inner nudge and take action. Any time is better than not seeking help. However, why wait?

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you assess where your relationship is at with your partner and whether individual or couples counseling can help.

Is There Hope After An Affair?

12/4/2016

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A marriage counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can guide you through the process of understanding the circumstances that led to an affair and to restoring trust and hope.

You receive the dreaded call informing you that your husband is having an affair. Your world as you know it begins to spin out of control. After you pick yourself up off the floor, you begin to put the pieces together. The late nights at the office, his going to bed after you, the growing distance between you…

You confront him. He admits the affair has been going on for a few months. He must choose. He cannot have both. He realizes that he does not want to lose you, so he breaks off the relationship.

Can you ever trust him again? Will you be compared to her? Will the rage ever subside? How can you ever forgive him? The nightmares are unending. You need help.

A competent marital counselor will be able to help you sort through the hurt and rage. The unfaithful husband needs to understand your hurt. You both must see the circumstances that led to the affair. What areas of your relationship need strengthening? Yes, you can gradually begin to trust as he does everything possible to help you feel safe. And yes, someday you may be able to forgive this man who caused you so much hurt.

The work of restoration is extremely difficult. It requires patience, a broken and remorseful heart, humility and grace. Is it possible? Yes! The marriage will never be the same, but something new and wonderful can unfold. Yes, there is hope!

A marriage counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can guide you through the process of understanding the circumstances that led to an affair and to restoring trust and hope.

Please! No Assumptions!

10/30/2016

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you practice active listening skills so that you give others time to process and finish their thoughts.

We are all guilty of making assumptions. Judgments are made based on appearances, what others eat, what they drive, their clothing and the houses they live in. We even assume we know what someone else is thinking. The list goes on and on.

A dinner missed leads to a fight and hurt feelings because you assumed the latecomer didn’t care. Really, he was caught in traffic and his phone died. A friend’s emotional distance could be assumed as lack of desire to pursue the friendship when really she is struggling with personal issues. Being cut off in a conversation can feel similar to being cut off in traffic. You feel disrespected, misunderstood. You get angry. You may say things you regret. The other person responds negatively. The whole mess could have been avoided had you just been given the courtesy to finish your thought.

In conversations, the best way to avoid assumptions is to practice listening; not easy for many of us who would rather be talking. To ask yourself, “what must life be like for the other?” forces us to listen more carefully; ask questions with the intent to understand more clearly. Some people need time to process their feelings and thoughts. It feels disrespectful not to be given that time. Oh to be heard and understood without judgement! What a safe place to be. This is where we grow the best and where relationships thrive.

Assume the best, and others just may return the favor.

A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you practice active listening skills so that you give others time to process and finish their thoughts.

Do You Pursue Or Withdraw When In Conflict?

10/22/2016

by Wendy Warner, LPC

A couples counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you understand your and your partner's communication styles and practice constructive ways to work through conflict.

What is your natural tendency when tension enters a conversation? Do you want to talk it out, or do you get quiet and try to retreat? When people sense disconnect in their relationships, they tend to either pursue their partner for further discussion or withdraw from their partner to avoid further conflict.

Attachment theory by John Bowlby says that our natural instinct when we feel detached from a significant loved one is to send out distress signals. When a baby needs something, like food or soothing, they cry for someone to care for them. As adults, we send distress signals too. However, our signals sound more like angry comments stemming from hurt when our needs aren’t being met. In order to repair and restore the connection, we pursue a discussion with our loved one. Unfortunately, it can sound demanding, resentful or angry as our distress and disconnect increases. This does not tend to draw our loved one near, although that is ultimately what we would like.

The partner that is more likely to withdraw will read the pursuer’s attempts to reconnect as an unsafe conversation that they need to retreat from as quickly as possible. They will sense the anger and conclude it will be better for the relationship to withdraw, so they can protect the relationship from a fight. Sadly this only serves to signal rejection or unavailability to the pursuer and reactivates the pursuer’s distress. Couples counseling can bring understanding and a healthier approach to restoring connection in relationships.

A couples counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you understand your and your partner's communication styles and practice constructive ways to work through conflict.

The Value Of A Shared History

10/16/2016

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A marriage counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you evaluate the strength of your relationship and put that in perspective with the pros and cons of continuing to work at it.

On a recent vacation my husband and I struck up a casual conversation with another couple, who we learned were “scouting” this resort as a possible venue for their 50th anniversary celebration next year. Ron and Patty were delightful. They clearly shared a language all their own, finishing each other’s sentences, and laughing at each other’s jokes.

As often occurs whenever I share with strangers that I am a couples and family counselor, the conversation turned to the topic of marriage. Rather quickly, Patty informed us that she had “almost quit” many times; that they had certainly had their fair share of trials during their marriage, and that “no one knows how to push my buttons like he does…” My husband and I didn’t doubt her as the discussion took this serious turn. However, the next thing she said, with a growing smile on her face, surprised the both of us:

“…I’ll be so mad and then Ronnie will start to tell one of his stories and I’ll listen…
and then I’ll realize that I am the only one who knows how his story ends….”

My heart melted with this simple declaration. I believe we had — quite unexpectedly — been privy to the simple secret of this couple’s successful marriage. Valuing a shared history can sometimes be all you need to ride out the troubled waters. The ability to rely on a shared set of memories and life experiences helps to keep a couple connected during the inevitable hardships in a marriage.

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