​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

 The most common issue bringing couples into counseling is the need for better communication around conflict. The first session often involves lengthy tales of the many ways seemingly non-conflictual topics escalate, with one or both parties getting angry. The discussion quickly goes off the rails with past insults brought up, long-standing frustrations shouted, and hurt feelings all around. Ultimately, no resolution is reached, and the issue will inevitably be an ongoing source of repeated conflict in the future.
 
One technique that I often suggest is the use of ‘time out.’ This is a bit different than the time out of childhood, in which a child is isolated for a time as a consequence for poor behavior. This ‘time out’ is an effective way to de-escalate intensity between two adults, and allows for a more focused and constructive return to the conflictual topic when cooler heads prevail.
 
Many couple conflicts occur when one party “blindsides” the other with a complaint or accusation. The blindsided party will usually respond with defensiveness almost immediately—because they didn’t see the “attack” coming. The “attacker” has likely been stewing over the issue for a while, and is on the offense.
 
Features of the ‘time out’ technique include:

1. Agreement ahead of any conflict that ‘time out’ may be called by either party.
2. Recognition by one or both parties of either person’s emotional escalation; likely headed to a point of unproductive and regretful words.
3. Non-judgmental suggestion that a ‘time out’ is needed. Once agreed to, this can simply involve leaving the room or the discussion, with the understanding that both parties will be intentional about focusing on de-escalation of emotion, and a re-focus on the specific issue at hand.
4. MOST IMPORTANT – the person calling for the ‘time out’ MUST also be the person who suggests a time for returning to the discussion. For example:

 
 “Listen, we are both pretty heated right now, and I don’t want to fight with you. How about we take a ‘time out’, and come back to this discussion tomorrow morning over coffee?”
 
‘Time out’ is NOT a method for avoiding or ignoring the conflict. Rather, it creates opportunity to navigate the conflict more effectively. ‘Time out’ allows both parties to return to the discussion prepared and emotionally stable once again. The conversation is re-engaged on a level playing field, offering a greater likelihood for satisfactory resolution of the issue.

In any relationship, people gauge if it is safe to be open with their thoughts and feelings based on the response of the other person. If the common experience with someone is to receive criticism or dismissal of your viewpoint, then you are less likely to share openly. When people don’t share openly, they withdraw, shut down, or become defensive in return.
 
Think of the parent child relationship in this context. Most parents would like their kids to share more of their inner world, their challenges and dreams. How many parents can listen without judging and just receive what their kid is sharing? Even with the best intentions, many parents dismiss their kid’s fears and tell them everything will be okay. How much more sharing would kids do if they felt their viewpoint would be heard and validated as important?
 
In marriage communication we can get very invested in our perspective and struggle to pause our viewpoint long enough to genuinely try to understand our spouse’s perspective. This results in either a lot of arguing or a lot of avoidance of meaningful conversation.
 
Most of us long for relationships that feel safe to say what we really feel. Unfortunately, we can get caught up in our own agendas, perspectives and priorities which then filters what we hear and how we respond. Even if we believe we are operating with the other’s best interests in mind, if it is according to our view and not theirs, we are most likely shutting down vulnerability and honest communication.
 
The solution lies in humility. Rare is the person who listens with this approach: “I will pause my agenda and listen with an open mind because then I can better understand their priorities and values.” The key is having humility to listen to a perspective that might differ from our own. The author in Proverbs 11:2 aptly stated, “With humility comes wisdom.” Paul wrote in Philippians 4:2, “In humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Both verses point to the benefits of humility. Humility promotes wisdom in communicating with others and placing a priority on their interests over ours. If we adopt this approach, our kids and our partner will come to trust that we desire to understand them fully. We consider their perspective as important as our own. We are open to an idea that might not align with our wishes, but could still produce a reasonable outcome. For example, I might not be thrilled with my daughter wanting to attend a certain concert, but I will pause my concerns and allow her to share her reasons for wanting to go. Understanding her perspective is equally as important as my thoughts on the matter. We can then process the subject with both of our perspectives rather than me shooting hers down at the outset. I may not hold the same value as my husband in spending money on his hobby, but because I value him, I will humbly listen to his thoughts on the subject with respect.
 
Can you imagine how different the past year of social media would look if we applied humility in our desire to understand views different from our own? We could pause our soap boxes and words of contempt to hear how the other arrived at such a different conclusion on the subject. The goal would be understanding and not landing a zinger at someone else’s expense. The outcome would undoubtedly be more productive than what actually happened.
 
This is why counseling is helpful. Counselors listen with a priority to understand, not forward their own agenda. The client feels heard, understood and respected in their perspective. The dynamic also differs in that the counselor is able to listen objectively and does not get triggered emotionally as a parent or spouse might. If you are yearning to be heard, try listening to the other with humility. If it feels too challenging in the moment, consider working with a professional counselor who can help you grow in your communication skills and relationships.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In the jungle there are predators and the prey they search for. If the prey isn’t careful, doesn’t have their eyes open for possible trouble, they will get eaten. In some ways, that is how it is for married people who don’t have their eyes open for predators looking to attack their marriage through infidelity.  Sometimes it is more innocent than that. Sometimes it begins when no one was looking for it to happen. Either way, if you are married and spending time communicating with a member of the opposite sex regularly, you need to open your eyes for trouble coming.
 
It can be a co-worker, a neighbor, a fellow volunteer, an old friend. When you start to communicate by text or social media with someone outside your marriage and you know your spouse would not be happy about it, shut it down. Once you have gone into regular contact, you are already justifying behavior that will be a problem for you. If it continues, you are entering into the fantasy of an unrealistic relationship that doesn’t involve bills, children, household chores or in-laws. It becomes someone to talk to that supports you, understands you and admires you. It becomes addicting to get that when you aren’t feeling the same response from your mate. If you are more than two conversations in, you will have inflicted pain in your marriage that will take time and effort to heal. The longer it continues, the more devastating the wreckage will be to clean up. Please do not underestimate the pain of betrayal and the steep climb to rebuild trust.
 
As a marriage counselor, I often work with couples trying to recover from infidelity. There are varying degrees, and I have seen many couples reconcile. A common misunderstanding is that if it wasn’t physical, it isn’t a big deal. For the spouse who learns their partner has been talking about them to someone else and saying admiring things to that other person, it is a very big deal. If you are just starting a conversation or are contemplating stepping in that direction, I implore you to seek marriage counseling. Find out how to feel that extra spark with your partner, the co-parent of your children. Examine yourself to understand what you are contributing to the problems in your marriage. The relationships we invest in will be the ones we enjoy most.