Self-Care

Is That Bully Still Beating You Up?

6/28/2019

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You still have nightmares about that bully who made you feel small.

Maybe you have stuffed the horrible memories down so far that the only thing remaining is an anger that rises to the surface when someone pushes the “you are stupid” or “you are a loser” or any other “you are inferior” button. Anything that someone says or does may trigger those same feelings you had from your interaction with the bully, resulting in an angry outburst.

How can you find relief?

Talking about it helps you see the truth instead of the lies you may have believed for so many years about yourself. What power did that bully have to define who you are? You did nothing to deserve the treatment you endured. How has believing the lies affected your work, your relationships and your happiness?

There is grief work to be done, and professional counseling can help.

There were losses. If the bullying was prolonged, it stole so much: your sense of safety, your confidence, friendships, the enjoyment of being whatever age you were when it occurred. Once you have seen the truth of what happened, grieved the losses and have seen the effects it has had, there can be freedom in knowing the bully need no longer have any control over your life. He no longer needs to define who you are. You no longer need to explode at the slightest trigger.

Finally, you can beat the bully!

An Empowering Approach To Internalized Beliefs

3/3/2019

by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

We all go through our lives with a certain framework to our thoughts and feelings - a lens of underlying beliefs that, whether noticed or not, colors our every experience.

Sometimes these beliefs come from our family of origin, a spouse or partner, our successes, or our failures. And for many people seeking counseling and better methods to improve their well-being, some of these beliefs may no longer be serving them. Perhaps a person or situation left you with the internalized sense that you are inadequate, that you can’t do something, that you are undeserving in some way. Whether the origin of that belief is still present in your life or not, the good news is, that unhelpful belief is now yours.

And why would that be good news? Because it is internalized--you are the one with the power to change it! It no longer belongs to someone else’s words, or to the circumstances that left you with painful emotions. By becoming aware of and defining the underlying beliefs that are no longer serving you, you give yourself the power to change them.

With some dedication and faith in this new power of yours, “I am unworthy” can become “I am enough.” Fear of judgment can become peace of mind, and self-doubt can become an organic and naturally blossoming sense of self-confidence. Imagine what radically new and different colors you would see looking through that lens.

In The Season Of Giving, Let's Remember To Give To Ourselves

12/16/2018

by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

It’s a wonderful feeling to give to others. For many of us though, it can be a challenge to extend that same generosity to ourselves. If you deal with feelings of guilt or unworthiness when taking time to care for yourself, perhaps feeling that your actions are at the expense of your workload or others’ desires, you are most certainly not alone.

During the holiday season, there can often be an increase in this type of stress due to the many tasks and expectations to balance. Maybe you are a student preparing for exams, or a parent balancing both your workload and your focus on making the holidays special for your children. Regardless of your situation, imagine how much work you could get done, how much you could help others, if you were coming from a place of full health and peace.

A giver like this—who has learned to give not only to others, but to themselves as well—is an unstoppable force of nature.

To get started, I challenge you to give yourself just one small gift every day during this holiday season. This gift could be as simple as allowing yourself five minutes in the morning to really enjoy a hot drink, buying yourself a cookie, or just taking a few deep inhales and exhales the next time you feel overwhelmed. In these moments, try to recognize that you are actively cherishing yourself—and, most importantly, that you absolutely deserve to do so.

Mindfulness - Why It Works

9/28/2018

by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

For the past several years, the word “mindfulness” has been heard just about everywhere…but what exactly does it mean? And just as importantly, why does it work?

Mindfulness can most easily be understood as a focus on the present moment, whether this moment is pleasant, uncomfortable, boring, ecstatic, or anything else. It means not getting swept away in the tide of thoughts that constantly swirls in our minds, and instead taking a breath, settling, and observing our experience without judgment.

Mindfulness is such a positive force in counseling because, by definition, it counteracts two of the most universal struggles we have as human beings: guilt and anxiety. Stripped down to their essence, guilt is a focus on the past, and anxiety a focus on the future. Naturally, learning to be present in the now is a remedy for both. And after all, are we truly ever anywhere but…now? Mindfulness helps us remain in the moment, the only place where our lives are really happening.

Once we are able to focus on our experiences without judgment, we can start to make changes to how we react to these moments, and thus change our lives. We can begin to approach each experience, no matter how difficult, with our calm, centered selves. “No pain, no gain” is a myth. Instead, we can observe how we feel in the now, take a breath, and find the ease in any moment.

Shame. The Silent Killer.

12/3/2017

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Good shame doesn’t destroy; it convicts us of wrong. Bad shame slowly sucks the life out of us. It steals our joy and silences us. It can make us feel small, dirty, and unworthy. It is a voice inside that speaks loudly and tells us things that aren’t true, like we are to blame.

Sexual harassment, abuse, or bullying can make the victim feel shame. The longer silence keeps us captive, the more powerful the lies become.

What wrong did the victim commit? Some believe there is something about them that attracts predators. Others believe they did something to deserve the treatment. Keeping silent only keeps the victim in a state of shame and confusion. Misplaced shame is like a predator in the animal kingdom: it kills and eats its prey. When we are filled with bad shame, our spirits are killed; our sense of dignity is compromised. We can lose our perspective of who we are and as a result, we have little ability to interact with others because we feel so damaged.

Bringing the abuse out in the open, talking about it, especially with an individual counselor can be very healing. Shame begins to lose its power when its lies are brought into the light.

No, it wasn’t your fault. No, you didn’t deserve to be treated so horribly. No, you are not small or unworthy because of the despicable actions of another.

Speaking about the shameful act brings life and healing and a restored sense of self.

How Do You Define You?

9/4/2017

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

As I have watched the Hurricane Harvey coverage this week, I am inspired by the countless acts of selflessness by those reaching out to help. I got to thinking…

Our lives are so busy. Our days are defined by tasks: do this, do that, go there, call, email, meet, schedule, follow-up, finish, make time…. The list is endless and overwhelming. However, if you’re like me, there is GREAT satisfaction in crossing items off that list! We get so caught up in getting things done that we can slip into a mindset of allowing our accomplishments to define who we are. How often have you fallen into bed feeling quiet satisfaction as you review tasks you completed that day? Or, you find yourself lying awake disappointed, and berating yourself for the ones that will now roll into tomorrow…

We need to take a closer look at how we define our value. How about we consider who we are inside; what it is that we offer others that exemplify our character, our integrity. Ask yourself:

Whose life did I touch today?
Whose problem did I listen to?
How did I help?
Did I attend to another’s needs?
Did I give without expectation?
Was I kind?
Was I patient?
Did I smile at a stranger?

Please don’t misunderstand; tasks do need to get done. However, defining ourselves by who we are, rather than by what we do, can empower us to be the best version of ourselves — regardless of the task at hand.

Social Media Can Be Hazardous To Your Health

8/7/2017

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Social media can affect your relationships, your motivation, and your self-image. How so? How often have you observed two people at a restaurant, both on their phones rather than conversing with each other? It is difficult to compete with the stimulation that the phone offers.

For some, a quick check of their social media expands into minutes and even hours. Soon the motivation for daily responsibilities is lost. Guilt results and momentum is lost. For others, checking for the number of “likes” on a Facebook post can result in a distorted, negative view of themselves if the numbers are not what was expected. Everyone else seems to be having more fun, going on nicer vacations or experiencing better relationships.

Social media, for some can become an addiction, trumping real relationship and hindering productivity. Is it the first thing that must be checked in the morning or the last thing needed to be reviewed before bed? Is it interrupting your work? If so, perhaps it is time to draw some boundaries around it and even enlist the help of a professional counselor.

Some apps can be deleted so access is not as easy. Devices may have to be placed in another room while you are trying to work or converse with someone important to you. Being intentional about your use of social media can lead to improved relationships and increased productivity, which can only have a positive effect on your self-image!

The Need For A Little Quiet In Your day

4/17/2016

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Cell phone rings, text and email alerts, television and radio programming, traffic, gaming, appliance buzzers and timers, car horns and alarms, and a thousand other noises are endured by each of us on a daily basis. We are continually bombarded with sound; a constant intrusion into our minds, psyches, and souls.

I wasn’t even aware of the barrage of clatter in my own life until a move to the country three years ago. On our cozy lot in the woods, my home is insulated from the noises of the outside world. How tempting it is, at times, to turn on the television or music, or fire up the internet for a dose of technology and artificial connectedness with the rest of the world. Initially difficult to resist, I hadn’t realized how loud my world had become. But now, I’ve grown to appreciate the need for—and the opportunity for--quiet.

When was the last time you sat in complete quiet? To think? To read? To meditate? To pray? Quiet time—especially when spent alone—provides an opportunity to clear your mind of worry, misplaced priorities, and self-doubt. An opportunity to think of nothing in particular… or everything you dream of… A time to renew our sense of who we truly are, with no distractions… An opportunity to focus on what is most important… Or to re-prioritize—especially if we’ve had it all wrong lately.

What might you discover if you made room for a little quiet in your day?

Who Am I, Really?

11/15/2015

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Who or what has defined you?

Was it that bully in 6th grade who told you that you were ugly, fat or stupid? Was it your dad, with so many struggles of his own, that his lack of attention and affection made you feel unlovable? Was it your mom, battling depression, who led you to believe your only hope for finding self-worth was in being a caretaker? Perhaps it was a serious illness that took a toll on your physical strength, leaving you feeling fragile and anxious. Maybe you have been abused physically, emotionally or sexually and for you, the message was that you are worthless and unworthy of being loved or that you were to be blamed.

These beliefs affect the way we live out our lives. Think about how different your life story could have been and—could be—if you embraced something different about yourself, perhaps the truth.

Who gave broken people and unfortunate experiences the power to define you? You did, although not knowingly. Would you, at this point in your story, have the courage to challenge those long-held beliefs about yourself? Trying to understand how you made sense of life in the past, perhaps as a young child may be painful, but well worth it. Understanding those people in your life who have hurt you is the beginning of the healing journey toward forgiveness, and adopting a true view of yourself.

What’s keeping you from rewriting the story of your life?

SELF-CARE IS NOT SELF-ISH

3/22/2015

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

No one can argue that we are living our lives on hyper-speed in the 21st century. We are simply trying to keep too many plates spinning at one time. In my counseling practice I am often helping someone recognize that they are on overload physically, emotionally or mentally. As we discuss all that they have going on — work, commuting, home responsibilities, family relationships, parenting, keeping up with technology demands, and social interactions — I typically implore them to rein it in, prioritize, and recognize the need for regular effort toward self-care.

As we discuss things that they can do for themselves the response I get most often is, “…but that sounds so selfish.” Taking good care of ourselves — in order to have the best of ourselves to give to others — is NOT selfish. The simple truth is that if we view all that we have to give as the inventory of our warehouse, we must also recognize the necessity of closing the warehouse doors to re-stock the inventory in order to re-open for business!

This re-stocking is — in very real terms — self-care.

Take just a moment to reflect on how you think about self-care, and consider whether your own shelves could benefit from replenishing.

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