TRINITY FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER
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Self-Care

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We all lead busy, hectic, time-pressured lives these days. Many of our clients admit to feeling as though they are dropping the ball in their marriage, with their kids, with family, and at work. There simply don’t seem to be enough hours in the day to be everything to everyone who needs something from us.
 
This is especially true for those who identify caregiving as a primary function in their relationships. For these folks, it is critical to recognize and honor your personal limits, and know when to step back and exercise healthy self-care. 
 
Recognizing the value of taking good care of yourself and learning how to set boundaries in your life are just a couple of the tasks of appropriate self-care. If the idea of taking good care of yourself seems foreign to you, a caring professional counselor can help you to become aware of—and honor—those needs.
Counseling Insights and Articles About Self-Care:
You Spot It, You Got It, by Sherrie Darnell
Is It Me?  Maladaptive Coping Strategies in the Fire Service, by Dave Papandrea
The Mind-Body Connection Series: How to Get the Most of Your Sleep, by Liza Hinchey
Looking Forward To 2021, by Deb Toering
Good Riddance 2020, by Kathy Cap
Why Everyone Can Benefit From A Mindfulness Practice​, by Liza Hinchey
Finding Encouragement In The Small Moments, by Wendy Warner
Your Brain Is Hardwired To Protect You, Not To Be Productive, by Liza Hinchey
In This Time Of Uncertainty..., by Kathy Cap
2020: A Year Of Gratitude And Intention, by Kathy Cap
Whether You Think You Can Or You Can't... You're Right, by Kathy Cap
Parenting, But It's Not What You Think I Mean,
 by Liza Hinchey
Is That Bully Still beating You Up?, 
by Deb Toering
An Empowering Approach To Internalized Beliefs, 
by Liza Hinchey
In The Season Of Giving, Let's Remember To Give To Ourselves, 
by Liza Hinchey
Mindfulness - Why It Works, by Liza Hinchey
Shame. The Silent Killer., by Deb Toering
How Do You Define YOU?, by Tonya Ratliff
Social Media Can Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, by Deb Toering
The Need for a Little Quiet in Your Day, by Tonya Ratliff
Who Am I, Really?, by Deb Toering
Self-Care is Not Self-ish, by Tonya Ratliff

You Spot It, You Got It

7/30/2022

 
by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC
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Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLP) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.
I picked up a new sport recently: pickleball. It’s fun. As I’ve been playing, though, I’ve noticed some interesting feelings. My opponent celebrates a winning volley with vigorous claps on her paddle and I feel a tinge of something…irritation? My partner shoots me a determined look as we start a game and urges, “We got this!” and I feel a hint of something…annoyance? At these times I may sense my chest tightening and my mind thinking things like, “Come on, we’re just playing for fun, right? It’s not the pickleball Olympics. Why do you have to be so...competitive?”
 
Well, guess who’s competitive? I am! But since I’m not comfortable with that aspect of myself, I don’t own it. My psyche deals with this dilemma by defaulting to one of the “defense mechanisms” identified by Freud: projection. My subconscious projects my annoyance and judgment onto anyone but me. Hence, I spot it, I got it. Ouch.
 
If you’re feeling courageous, consider how this phenomenon might show up in your life. Are there traits in others that you find particularly aggravating? That you judge harshly? That you react to viscerally? Can you bravely, but gently and with abundant grace, allow yourself to wonder if you have those very same traits? Do you spot it because you got it?
 
Similarly, there may be someone in your life with whom you feel constantly at odds. Oil and water. Your one kid you butt heads with so often. The co-worker you can’t stop complaining about. The other mom at whom you flash a fake smile because inside you just feel irritated. Projection can be present in these places, and it can be painful to probe. Has anyone ever told you that you are actually a lot like someone you have difficulty tolerating? Ouch.
 
Of course, projection isn’t the only dynamic that can be at play when we are annoyed by someone or have interpersonal conflict. But it’s a common one. As we dare to notice and confront it, to shepherd it out of our subconscious and into the light – maybe with the support of a friend or in therapy – we can experience personal growth and freedom. We can go ahead and admit, “I spot it because I got it” and move through our lives with more awareness, authenticity, and self-acceptance.

Is It Me?  Maladaptive Coping Strategies in the Fire Service

2/28/2022

 
by Dave Papandrea, LLPC, NCC
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Dave Papandrea is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.
Returning a fire company to service following a difficult call takes many different forms throughout the fire service.  In some areas, it may mean clearing to go to the next emergency.  Other jurisdictions offer tailboard defusing in the form of, “...you good?”  This typically prompts the auto response, “Yeah I am good.  You good?”  Repeat said process, and we check the box of crews defusing before returning to service.  It has escaped me for years how firefighters can work tirelessly one minute with life hanging in the balance, and transition seamlessly back to the kitchen table to finish a lukewarm meal.  But after a deep dive into the subject, I have realized that this oddity is not without a cost.  A debt we often pay and share with the people we love the most.

Have you ever approached the firehouse for your shift, and before entering the bay you knew the prior crew had a good fire?  We are not part bloodhound, so what is happening?  Our bodies are becoming hyper alert or hypervigilant.  We are about to spend the next 24 hours in our uniform, in the station, never far from the apparatus, and with a heightened sense of readiness for whatever is toned out for us.  This hypervigilance is comparable to fight or flight, but knowing firefighters, we are all fight!  For the next 24 hours, the part of our brains that control fight or flight (the amygdala and hypothalamus) will remain out of neurochemical balance with peaks and spikes when critical calls tone out, only partially reducing before tones drop again for the next call.  Each call, regardless of whose company is responding, helps to thrust those levels of neurotransmitters in the brain (cortisol) further out of balance.  Our levels rise and fall but never quite return to baseline, and never return to where a “normal” brain functions.  So, what’s a firefighter to do?  The brain dislikes imbalance, so how do we restore balance while on duty?  

When I started the job there were a lot of common practices that we have removed from our culture. If we went back in time to visit the 1950’s firefighter, having a beer with dinner was commonplace.  As a young firefighter in the late ‘90s they were just removing the taps.  Alcohol still remains culturally significant in the fire service, and it is a part of every tradition and party from probation to promotion.  But there was pathology behind what seemed like a social club mentality.  Drugs and alcohol are threats to firefighters for obvious reasons, but a silent threat they play is the role of activator for the brain's pleasure pathway.  Remember, after activation of the amygdala and hypothalamus the brain experiences imbalanced levels of cortisol and is working hard to return to homeostasis or balance.  If there is no “dump,” then one way to level the playing field is increasing dopamine, or the happy sauce.  One way dopamine is released is consuming alcohol.  Alcohol is a way for the brain to maladaptively cope with the stress it was under.  But it isn’t the only way to cope, and firefighters are extremely resilient at solving problems.  Stacks of pornography collected in firehouse bathrooms for decades not because the fire service was a male dominated chauvinist club.  Sex and pornography also served as maladaptive coping strategies for releasing dopamine and restoring balance.

Also central to firehouse culture and lore is our ability to cook… and eat!  This coping strategy may be the most devastating of all.  How many firefighters began their career looking like a CrossFit athlete and ended their careers unable to pass the fitness exam that earned their spot in their department?  In that vein, we still experience a high rate of cardiovascular emergencies on scene.  We love cooking meals loaded in fats, salts, and sugar!  We crave ice cream! Overtime guys usually had to throw in extra for dessert, and each day there were snacks of cookies and brownies on the table.  Again, this was more brain based than sweet tooth based.  It served a function in our recovery, and thus earned a place at our cultural table.  This may add new and literal meaning to the phrase, “comfort food’ and “stress eating.”  Think about the times on duty or coming off when you find yourself famished or experiencing cravings.  Dopamine releases resulting from food and sex serve a very important primal role for survival.  But as our brains try to survive the trauma that accompanies the job of firefighter, we often struggle personally with addiction and dependency, and our loved ones and families are footing the bill right along with us.  

Just as important as reporting for duty mentally fit, is making sure we return home to our families in good mental condition!  Understanding that our agitation and difficulty relaxing upon our return to the home is a bi-product of our fight or flight status, and acknowledging there isn’t an off switch, is a step in the right direction.  Helping our families realize what is happening is also very helpful, but that is difficult if we haven’t done our own personal work and possess a healthy self-awareness.  Enter in the importance of defusing and debriefing our critical incidents.  When you see peer support approaching, don’t run and hide in closets or under the bed!  Isn’t that what we teach kids about fires?  Do your part.  If not for yourself, do it for your family that doesn’t understand your aggressiveness, but knows to keep some distance after you get home from a shift.  Firefighters are willing to put the time in at the gym with weights and cardio routines.  We love doing RIT drills, and we train for every possible obstacle when extracting victims.  But we rarely step foot in a counselor’s office, dare I ask if we even have a relationship with one should we enter dire straits.  We keep pushing through our RIT drills despite the evidence that suggests we are losing more firefighters to suicide then collapse.  We pride ourselves with readiness, yet we are frequently surprised and ill prepared when a mental health crisis arises.  It is time we are champions of our own mental health by engaging in debriefings, defusing, and individual counseling sessions.  It is time to change the culture making the aforementioned as normal as physical fitness.

Not every call requires defusing or debriefing from peer support services.  But a healthy awareness of what each difficult call (from which we proclaim our “good-ness”) is doing to our psyche is valuable.  Excluding the occasional stubbed toe emergency, we need to visualize stress inducing calls as a piece of straw that is handed to you at the end of every shift.  Some shifts you only have a single piece; other shifts may have 10 or 20 pieces of straw.  None of this seems like much, but you never actually put the straw away.  You carry it with you.  Compound the straw by the number of years you spend serving in your communities, and if you have ever driven across northern rural Michigan in late summer, you will see huge rounded hay bales that could crush a man under its weight.  Each bale is made up of individual straws.  That is what a career of critical incidents brings each firefighter.  It is a lot to carry around, and it can feel crushing at times.

The Mind-Body Connection Series: How to Get the Most of Your Sleep

4/19/2021

 
by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC
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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.
When supporting our mental health, the mind-body connection is one of the best places to start. Someone could have all the coping skills in the world, but if they’re not also taking care of their body, they might be at risk for issues like anxiety, depression, and stress. It doesn’t have to be difficult—even small changes, like the one I’m going to teach you today, can make a big difference!
 
In the first blog in this series, I want to talk about your body’s biorhythm. Every person (plants and animals too!) has built in “body-clocks” that work to keep us in a state of balance. Geese migrating when the seasons change are due to the same body-clocks that tell us when to go to bed and when to wake up. In fact, this “circadian rhythm,” or the human daily sleeping and waking cycle, is one of the most important when it comes to mental health. We’ve all heard the advice that we should go to bed and wake up at the same time every day; but why does the timing matter?
 
When we sleep and wake at the same time every day, it gives our biorhythms a chance to do their jobs properly. When our body doesn’t need to spend precious energy resetting its clock every night, it can focus on sleeping deeply, improving other biorhythms (like digestion), and directing energy towards the next day! However, not letting your sleep biorhythm do its thing can lead to insomnia, daytime sleepiness, concentration issues, and even symptoms of depression and anxiety. Especially if you deal with any of those symptoms already, it’s so important to support your mental health by supporting your sleep cycles.
 
Of course, we won’t always be able to maximize our biorhythms—changing work schedules, family needs, and other aspects of life may take priority. And that’s okay! Even if you can’t go to bed and wake up at exactly the same time each night, doing it when you can is still beneficial. Even if you’re an hour or so off, you can still experience benefits you may not see if you were two or three hours off.
 
At the end of the day, our bodies have an incredible capacity for adapting to all sorts of schedules and situations. But if you’re looking to improve your mental and physical health, try using your natural body-clock to your advantage!

Looking Forward to 2021

1/10/2021

 
​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC
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​Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.
We all have hopes that Christmas 2021 will look much different than 2020.
 
What are your hopes for the new year?
 
No longer needing to wear a mask?  More Hugs? Dating? Dining out? Going to the theater and concerts? Travel? Seeing your loved ones without worry?
 
So much is uncertain. Although the vaccine has arrived, so has a new strain of the virus. Our nation is raging. Will life ever get back to normal? And if not, what will the “new normal” look like?
 
As 2020 taught us, there are many things outside our control. Focusing on what we can control can bring just as much satisfaction, if not more than a nice dinner out with a concert to follow.
 
Being intentional about connecting with family and friends can deepen those relationships. Reading brings new ideas and can transport us to new places. A new hobby could reveal a hidden passion. Are there skills that could be honed?   Strengthening our bodies has a powerful effect on our minds and spirits. Thinking about purpose and growing spiritually is what makes life rich and meaningful. 
 
One thing that all of us have control over is our thoughts. We can choose to be thankful. Choose to see the good. Choose to think about the truth.
 
No matter what 2021 brings, we can end the year with deeper relationships, stronger minds and bodies and a greater faith in the One who holds the whole world in His hands. Yes, even when it is shaking.

Good Riddance 2020

12/27/2020

 
by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC
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Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.
This year has been unlike any we have ever experienced.

At this point, after more than nine months of living with a pandemic, I think it’s safe to say we are ready for 2020 to be a distant memory. Between the loss of celebrations, isolation, shorter days, and longer nights many of us find ourselves stuck. Our anxiety has been increasing along with the grief that comes with having lost so much this year.
 
While these feelings are valid, it’s essential to not allow yourself to become stuck but instead to find hope.  As uncomfortable as it may feel, pushing ourselves to imagine a better future is critical to our well-being. There are a few things we can do to foster hope no matter how hopeless things might seem. 
 
First, begin with giving yourself permission to feel what you’re feeling. It’s ok to not be ok. Next, implement some self-care. This can be a walk, listening to music, or taking a relaxing bath.  Then begin to identify and reframe your negative thinking pattern. For example, instead of saying “This year has been terrible and everything I was hoping to accomplish has been canceled, nothing is going my way.” Dispute and reframe this thought by saying: “Maybe everything has been pushed back a year but that doesn’t mean all is lost it just means it will take me a little longer to accomplish my goals.”

​Lastly, remember that now, more than ever, a new year brings with it, new possibilities.

Why Everyone Can benefit From A Mindfulness Practice

11/21/2020

 
by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC
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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.
When my clients are looking to improve their overall happiness and well-being, one of the first things I suggest is starting a mindfulness practice. As one of the simplest and most broadly effective strategies there is, implementing mindfulness almost always leads to improvements. Of course, it’s not a magic solution to all of our problems, but research has shown that it can broadly improve our well-being.
 
Defined as a non-judgmental awareness of the present moment, mindfulness can help us regulate our emotions, cope with difficult experiences, improve our focus, communicate more effectively, and be more compassionate towards ourselves and others. Studies have also shown that when someone is thinking about something other than the current moment, they report feeling less happy than if they were focused on the present. This is true even if the thoughts they were thinking were pleasant or happy! [1]
 
If you’d like to try out this valuable practice for yourself, there are so many ways to make it work for you. Yoga and meditation, both “formal” mindfulness practices, are highly effective if you’re into them. But the best part about mindfulness is that it can be practiced by anyone, anywhere, anytime. All you need to do is, for a moment, bring your attention to the present.

What do you see, feel, hear, smell, and taste? What does your breath feel like as it enters and leaves your body? What is it like to exist, to be you in your body, right now.

  1. Killingsworth MA, Gilbert DT. A wandering mind is an unhappy mind. Science. 2010 Nov 12;330(6006):932. doi: 10.1126/science.1192439. PMID: 21071660.

Finding Encouragement In The Small Moments

7/27/2020

 
​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC
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Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.
I  like to run.

I don’t go far, but I enjoy it. Toward the halfway point, there is a hill that usually leaves me struggling for air. I've noticed if I look far up the road and focus on the hill, it seems more daunting, even discouraging.  If I focus on the road just in front of me, I don’t notice the incline nearly as much. I can take it one step at a time and reach my goal. There are stretches of hot sun and shade on the road. Rather than dread the sun, I celebrate reaching the shady spots and feeling some relief. Sometimes I need to walk a short bit to catch my breath. I tell myself that a woman in her 50’s is allowed to take a breather here and there.
 
It occurred to me my running route is a lot like life. If I choose to focus on difficulties in the future, I will struggle more and feel discouraged. Or, I could handle what life has for me today, one step at a time. If I dread the hard days, they will probably be hard. You tend to find what you look for. Or, I could look for the good in each day and appreciate the people and situations that are part of that.

Sometimes life gets overwhelming, and we might need extra support or a break. It’s important to be gentle with ourselves, not critical, until we are ready to push forward again.

Your Brain Is hardwired To Protect You, Not To Be Productive

4/28/2020

 
by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC
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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.
When your environment is uncertain, your brain shifts much of its energy into preparing you to quickly adapt to the next unpredictable situation you find yourself in. As the word “unpredictable” suggests, that is quite a challenging job. So, while your brain is busy trying its best to complete this task, you may experience a few side effects:
 
  • Lack of focus – When stressed, the part of your brain that helps you focus and plan (the prefrontal cortex), can be partially shut down as other parts of your brain work harder in an effort to keep you prepared for potential danger.
 
  • Feeling overly tired – Your brain burns energy much faster than usual when in a crisis.
 
  • Feeling like you should take advantage of this time to be creative (e.g. paint, bake, learn), but feeling creatively blocked – In the “fight or flight” state, your brain diverts energy away from creativity and towards survival.
 
  • Goals that were important to you don’t seem important right now – Your brain is focusing on the here and now, rather than on the future. It’s better from a survival standpoint (e.g. if you were in danger, you would need to focus on the immediate situation to survive).
 
None of these feelings or states of being are personal flaws or failures on your part. They are simply side effects of your brain trying to keep you alive and safe when it senses danger. Whatever you are feeling or not feeling, doing or not doing, is okay (and temporary).

In This Time Of Uncertainty...

3/21/2020

 
by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC
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Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.
In times of uncertainty, we often find ourselves becoming increasingly anxious.  With 24-hour news stations reporting on COVID-19 and social media bombarding us with information, it is easy to get caught up in all the negativity.  It is important to remember that while many things are out of your control, you can still make choices that will have a positive effect on you and can help decrease your anxious thoughts. 
 
While it is important to keep yourself informed during a national emergency, now more than ever it is also important to implement self-care. Here are five things we all can do to help us get through this tough time:
 
1)     Turn off your TV and turn on your radio.  Studies suggest that music can boost happiness and reduce stress, so turn up the jams!
2)     Make dinner from scratch. Try something new; make your own pizza dough or a pot of soup. Eating healthy will help to stabilize your mood and keep your immune system strong.
3)     Do something intentional. Organize that junk drawer or your closet. It helps pass the time and gives you a sense of accomplishment. 
4)     Call or FaceTime a friend. If you’re stuck at home and bored, chances are others are feeling the same way. Reach out.
5)     Get outside and take a walk around the block. Physical activity is another mood booster and fresh air is a natural disinfectant.
 
You are not alone, we are in this together and we will get through this!

2020: A year Of Gratitude And Intention

1/12/2020

 
​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC
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Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.
It’s hard to believe that we are now living in the year 2020!

There’s something about the beginning of a new decade that makes us feel inspired and hopeful for the years ahead. ‘Taking stock’ is a great way to begin the new year.  When thinking about your future it’s easy to become anxious and stressed. I mean, how can you not when you think about everything on your to-do list?!

Between your family, school and work responsibilities, it’s no wonder we all don’t crawl back into bed! But, WE - or more specifically YOU - are stronger and braver than that!! While there are many resolutions we can set for ourselves, here are two simple additions to our wellness routine that will set the path for this year:
 
  1. Start a gratitude journal. It’s not as daunting as you think. Take some time every few days to write down a couple of sentences or words even, about the blessings, beauty, grace that surrounds you. When you find you’re having a particularly difficult day, glance through your journal to remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is temporary.
 
  1. Set your intentions for the day. Every morning as you’re getting ready verbalize these intentions. Whether you intend to be a more patient parent, or you intend to find kindness throughout the day, setting your intentions gives you purpose.
 
No one really knows what the year ahead will bring. However, with these small behavioral changes, the decade will be off to a good start.

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Copyright © 2022 Trinity Family Counseling LLC
  • Home
  • Areas of Specialization
    • Christian Counseling
    • Emotional Management
    • Self-Care
    • Relationships and Marriage
    • Grief and Loss
    • Family Counseling
    • Divorce
    • Remarriage and Blended Families
    • Parenting Counseling
    • Children and Adolescents Counseling
    • ADD / ADHD Counseling
    • Groups
  • Our Counselors
    • Tonya Ratliff
    • Deb Toering
    • Wendy Warner
    • Liza Hinchey
    • Kathy Cap
    • Dave Papandrea
    • Sherrie Darnell
  • The Intern Option
  • LLPC Supervision
  • Fees