Self-Care

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.  In addition to working with couples, parents, adolescents, teens and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

by Brian Perry, LLC

Brian Perry is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. He is a graduate of the University of the Cumberlands with a Master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.  Brian provides counseling services to adolescents, teenagers, adults, and couples.  Brian holds a Master of Arts degree in Education from MSU, and spent 16 years teaching high school students at both Notre Dame Preparatory and Regina High School.

In today’s fast-paced world, it is easy to feel overwhelmed by responsibilities, commitments, and the constant pressure to be productive. Many of us fall into the trap of thinking that taking time for ourselves is selfish—an indulgence we cannot afford. But here is the truth: self-care is not selfish. It is essential.
 
When we prioritize self-care, we recharge our physical, emotional, and mental energy, allowing us to show up as our best selves for our families, friends, work, and communities. Think of it like the instructions on an airplane: you need to put on your oxygen mask before assisting others. Self-care is your oxygen mask in everyday life.
 
Why Self-Care Matters
Self-care is not just about bubble baths and spa days (though those can be great!). It is about maintaining your well-being to live a balanced, fulfilling life. Neglecting self-care can lead to burnout, increased stress, and even physical health problems like fatigue, headaches, or a weakened immune system.
 
Practicing self-care helps you:

• Improve your emotional health. Engaging in activities you enjoy and that relax you can reduce stress and increase happiness.

 

• Build resilience. Regular self-care helps you handle life’s challenges more calmly and with greater clarity.

 

• Enhance relationships. When you care for yourself, you can give more to those you care about.

 
How to Make Self-Care a Priority
Self-care looks different for everyone, but here are some actionable tips to help you build it into your daily life:
 
1) Set Boundaries
Learning to say “no” is one of the most empowering forms of self-care. You do not have to overextend yourself to please others. Protect your time and energy by identifying your limits and sticking to them.
 
2) Schedule “Me Time”
Put self-care on your calendar as a non-negotiable appointment. Treat this time as sacred, whether it is 15 minutes to journal, an hour for yoga, or a walk in nature.
 
3) Take Care of Your Body
Physical self-care—like getting enough sleep, eating nourishing foods, and exercising—lays the foundation for overall well-being. Small changes, like stretching in the morning or drinking more water, can make a big difference.
 
4) Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness practices such as meditation, deep breathing, or simply paying attention to the present moment can reduce stress and improve focus. Start small—just five minutes a day can have a significant impact.
 
5) Connect with Others
Spending time with supportive friends or loved ones can recharge your emotional batteries. Whether it is a coffee date or a heartfelt conversation, meaningful connections are vital to self-care.
 
6) Engage in Activities You Love
Rediscover hobbies or try something new that brings you joy, whether painting, playing an instrument, gardening, or baking. Creative outlets are powerful forms of self-care.
 
Overcoming Guilt About Self-Care
Feeling guilty when prioritizing yourself is normal, especially if you are used to putting others first. But consider this: when you neglect your needs, your capacity to support others diminishes. Taking care of yourself is not selfish--it is sustainable.
 
A helpful way to reframe this is to ask yourself, “What example am I setting?” If you are a parent, friend, or leader, practicing self-care shows those around you that well-being matters. It inspires others to do the same.
 
Start Small, Stay Consistent
You do not need to overhaul your life to practice self-care. Start with one small habit, like taking five minutes to breathe deeply before bed or setting aside 10 minutes in the morning to journal. The key is consistency—small, regular acts of self-care add up over time.
 
Remember, you are worthy of care and kindness, just like anyone else. Self-care is not selfish—it is an investment in yourself and the people you love. Take the time to recharge. You will be better for it, as will the world around you.

A professional counselor at TFCC can help you identify simple techniques to make self-care a priority in your life.

by Liza Hinchey, PhD, LPC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in counseling psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

In today’s fast-paced world, we often find ourselves caught between two primary spaces: home and work. While these two environments are important, we need more enrichment in our experiences than these places can provide alone. Enter, “third spaces” — neutral, enjoyable, and physical places that offer respite from the responsibilities of home and the demands of work.
 
Third spaces are public or communal areas where we can connect with others, recharge, and foster a sense of community. These might include coffee shops, parks, libraries, gyms, or community centers. A key aspect of third spaces is that they offer a break from the daily grind, allowing us to shift gears and engage with the world in a more relaxed and informal way.
 
Why are these spaces so important to our well-being? First, they provide an opportunity for social connection. In a society that often emphasizes productivity, it is easy to overlook the importance of simply being present with others. Third spaces give us a chance to meet new people, engage in casual conversation, and strengthen our social support networks — all of which are vital for mental health. Human connection fosters a sense of belonging and can reduce feelings of isolation or loneliness.
 
Third spaces also allow for self-care and decompression. Whether you’re sipping a latte at your favorite café or taking a walk through the park, these activities give you time to breathe and reset. They help reduce stress, offering a break from the routine and a chance to recharge emotionally and mentally.
 
Finally, third spaces create a sense of balance in life. If we spend all our time bouncing between home responsibilities and work pressures, it’s easy to feel like we’re living on autopilot. Third spaces bring a new dimension to our lives, giving us room to pursue hobbies, explore interests, connect, or simply relax. They remind us that life isn’t just about ticking off tasks — it’s also about enjoying moments of presence and connection.
 
Incorporating third spaces into your routine can help you maintain a healthier work-life balance and enhance your overall well-being. Whether you’re seeking connection, relaxation, or a sense of community, these spaces provide a much-needed outlet in our busy lives. So, take a moment to explore your own third space — because in today’s hectic world, everyone deserves a place to pause and breathe.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Curiosity may kill the cat, but like fresh air, exercise, and healthy food, it can be life giving to our bodies, souls, minds, and relationships.  Curiosity, however, can lead to trouble, especially in relationships, if it is inspired by ill motives rather than love and a desire for connection. We could all learn from a little child who repeatedly asks “why?”  out of genuine curiosity about the world and a desire to understand it.
 
How might we and our world benefit from the cultivation of this wonderful quality?
 
Our bodies need healthy food, exercise, and rest. The curious person is willing to consider new ways of eating healthier foods with also a commitment to lay aside bad habits of unhealthy eating.  A dance class can inspire new ways of moving and experiencing music. How about trying a new sport? Be curious about what others are doing for fun. We might just end up healthier and with more energy along with finding new ways to play and connect with others.
 
Our souls along with our bodies need to be fed. Being curious about God and how others experience Him and grow in their faith journey can inspire us in our own spiritual journeys.   Talking with those who believe differently can help us not only understand them better, but prompt us to dig deeper into our own beliefs, strengthening our own personal convictions.
 
Curiosity inspires a sense of awe and wonder about the beauty and diversity of our world.  Books, podcasts, and film all engage our minds. Intentional conversations that engage others in respectful ways can challenge our own ways of thinking.
 
Curiosity may be the key to breaking down the walls that divide us if we are willing to open ourselves up and truly listen. What are the passions of others?  Why?  Your son loves metal music, so take a listen.  A friend returns from a trip of a lifetime and cannot stop talking about it.  Ask to see her pictures and tell you the highlights.  Your sister is an artist.  Look at her work.  Ask questions about what inspires her work and what does she hope to convey through her art?  Make it a point when you meet someone new to ask not only what they do for a living, but what they like and dislike about their work.  Ask what they do outside of work that makes them happy.  Curiosity does not make assumptions, but rather asks questions. Curiosity listens to understand, not to elevate one’s own thoughts.
 
We all long to be known, understood, loved, and respected. Can you imagine what our world and relationships might look like if each of us began to develop this wonderful quality?
 
If you find curiosity difficult, a professional counselor may be able to help you unlock some of the reasons why.

​by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Before modern medicine had advanced brain imagery, our bodies knew what our psyches needed to survive a cruel and demanding world.  There are several colloquialisms, or cultural ways of expression, that were as true generations ago as they are today.  Below is a top 6 list of sayings that we can confirm were ahead of their time.
 
 1)      A Good Cry:  Have you ever heard the expression?  Perhaps someone recommended a good cry to you so you would feel better.  Perhaps in grief you experienced an emotional release of tears, and at the conclusion experienced some relief from your sadness.  This term that generationally has been passed down, and widely accepted as truth holds water.  Researchers have found that crying is therapeutic and when we release tears, there is a neurochemical benefit.  Clinicians who work with grieving clients always encourage clients to be emotionally expressive and never hold back tears.
 
2)      Comfort Food:  There was always something about mom’s home cooking that seemed to bring a sense of happiness and delight.  Big meals around holidays or special occasions are ingrained in every culture.  Food as an identifying part of who we are bonds us all.  But when people speak of the comfort that food brings, we are speaking of the ignition of the circuitry in our brains that signals reward.  It was something that our bodies just knew.  For some, there is too much comfort in food!  Food can become a maladaptive coping mechanism if not controlled.  But yes, there was an intentional design to food bringing us comfort.
 
3)      Boys Will Be Boys:  It was hard to understand and curb the craziness young boys brought to the scene with them!  The saying is a fun way to dismiss the high levels of energy and aggression driven by surging levels of hormones, namely testosterone.  The levels are significantly lower in female adolescents who present with a calmer demeanor then their male counterparts.
 
4)      Runner’s High:  For athletes, this was a way of expressing the euphoria they experienced during high levels of anaerobic exercise that resulted in the release of endorphins.  Endorphins are neurochemicals that alleviates pain while reducing stress and improving mood.
 
5)      A Good Laugh:  Ever provide a giggle and someone says, “I needed that?”  Or ever hear someone say that they had a “good laugh” over or about something.  Before we knew… our bodies knew.  We experience another release of endorphins when we laugh.  See above for the benefits thereof.
 
6)      Needing A Hug:  Well it is not like oxygen and if we are deprived of a hug we aren’t going to die…right?!  Again, our bodies were telling us that the need was real.  Hugs produce oxytocin, a neurochemical responsible for activating that pleasure pathway of the brain.  Oxytocin is like a chemical binder and plays a role in monogamy.  It is also produced during sex (honorary mention but not listed…Good Sex).

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

So, you’ve finished high school, and college is next. The problem, though, is that you must decide on something to study. A major. All your friends have this figured out. You wonder why you’re the only one who is undecided. The anxiety is paralyzing and instead of feeling inspired about your future, you’re feeling inadequate.
 
Perspective is important. Read on:

Your best friend might have wanted to be a vet since she was eight and is majoring in animal science. Another friend is majoring in accounting since his parents are both accountants. Everyone has a plan.
 
Yes, some people may have a major picked. But not everyone. At the University of Michigan-Dearborn, for example, 20% of incoming freshman and 10% of transfer students are undecided.*

Your best friend may discover an animal science major is way too much science and switch to non-profit management in hopes of working for an animal-related charity. The other friend might realize the accounting students are just not his people. He changes to political science where he feels a more natural fit.
 
Yes, some people will start and finish in the same major, but not everyone. For instance, 72% of Michigan State University graduates changed their major at least once, and 50% changed it more than once.*
 
You will need to eventually choose a major. But believing you are the “only one” who is undecided or that there is something wrong with you will only deflate you and sabotage your innate curiosity and problem-solving abilities. There are strategies and resources for identifying a major, but an accurate perspective and a healthy mindset are critical.
 
If you or someone you know is struggling with academic or career decisions, anxiety, low self-esteem, or other stressors during the transition to college, talking to a counselor can help.
 
* https://umdearborn.edu/academics/undergraduate-studies/undecided-students-exploring-their-options
* https://undergrad.msu.edu/news/2023/12-undecided-underdecided-overdecided

by Liza Hinchey, PhD, LPC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

When it comes to supporting our mental health, tapping into the connection between body and mind is a powerful practice. Knowing how to use effective mental coping skills is invaluable, but neglecting the body can leave us vulnerable to issues like anxiety, depression, and stress. The good news? Implementing even modest changes can yield significant benefits—and in study after study, almost nothing has proven as effective as movement and exercise in supporting our mental health.
 
Consider exercise a powerful antidote in the realm of mental well-being. Whether it's a brisk walk, a workout routine, or a dance session, physical activity acts as a natural mood enhancer. This is because exercise prompts the release of endorphins: the body's natural stress relievers. These chemicals not only alleviate pain, but can also induce feelings of joy and well-being; thus counteracting the sense of lethargy and fatigue that often accompanies issues like anxiety, chronic stress, and depression. Here, exercise acts as a rejuvenating force. Regular physical activity also improves sleep quality, boosts energy levels, and enhances overall cognitive function—making it a holistic, broad approach to combating the debilitating effects of these mental health challenges.
 
Moreover, exercise provides a constructive outlet for stress and anxiety when they do occur. Instead of allowing negative thoughts to spiral, engaging in physical activity redirects focus and promotes a sense of accomplishment. It's a powerful strategy for breaking free from the cycle of rumination. And the benefits extend beyond the immediate aftermath of exercise—establishing a consistent routine fosters a sense of discipline, control, and empowerment. A movement practice becomes a proactive step towards reclaiming agency over our mental well-being.
 
That said, life can be unpredictable, and committing to a strict exercise regimen may seem daunting—the key lies in embracing flexibility. Whether it's a daily workout or a spontaneous yoga or dance break, each instance counts. We don’t need perfection to reap the benefits, and even a short practice can make a difference.
 
In essence, practicing movement is an all-natural, accessible tool in our toolbox for coping with the challenges posed by anxiety, chronic stress, depression, and other concerns. By incorporating regular physical activity into our lives, we not only strengthen our bodies but also build mental resilience, empowerment, and peace.

by Liza Hinchey, PhD, LPC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Regardless of where it came from and the specifics that contributed to shaping it, we pretty much all have an inner critic - usually one who’s much harsher towards ourselves than we would be towards others.

Gaining insight into the “history” of our own unique critic and how it came about can be crucial in building understanding and compassion for ourselves, but even the best understanding of the past can sometimes leave us wondering what to actually do in the present to foster a kinder relationship with ourselves.

Whether you’re working with a therapist already or exploring on your own, asking yourself the following questions can help bring awareness to how your critic shows up for you in the present, pinpoint when that voice is at its strongest, and identify some other options for how to respond to yourself. Try journaling (writing is thinking!) or talking to a trusted ally about these and see what comes up.

1. What do you see as your worst flaws/inadequacies?

2. How do you tend to be towards yourself around those perceived flaws/inadequacies? Are you compassionate, accepting, curious? Harsh, critical, judgmental?

3. If your friend is having a hard time, how do you tend to be toward them? Do you treat yourself the same way when you’re having a hard time?

4. If not, (and this is my favorite question): What stands between you and being a friend to yourself? What do you worry might happen if you start being more compassionate with yourself?

This last one can be a big deal. Our inner critic didn’t develop without a reason: it often thinks it’s protecting or fueling us in some way. In a sense, it’s actually trying to care for us in the only way it knows how: by criticizing and demanding perfection, so we can avoid the pain and stress of not being perfect. The obvious flaw in that logic, however, is all the pain and stress that the critic itself ends up causing us. We can try to have compassion for our inner critic, as it does it's best to try to help us - but we can also work to show that voice (and ourselves) that there are other, more compassionate and more productive ways to protect and care for ourselves.

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Frequently, as a mental health counselor, I encounter clients who describe lack of movement in their lives.  They have a high degree of difficulty putting a finger on what the actual problem is, but they know that something is amiss.  
 
Upon closer examination, clients are able to connect that they had something different in mind for their lives which they have not achieved.  It varies depending on their stage of life, but a young adult in their early 20’s may believe they should have been with their life partner or achieved their dream career.  Clients in later stages of their life may have assumed they would have been retired and traveling.  These desires may differ from the lived reality, and it may be exacerbated by the use of social media.  
 
Social media platforms offer individuals the opportunity to develop the highlight reel of their lives.  From personal accomplishments, to weddings, children, grandchildren, and world traveling, we often see the lives of others through a certain type of lens.  These lenses are often constructed to be an image of what that person wants to portray to the global online community.  
 
There are things that you cannot see through these manufactured lenses, like the marital strife that still affects large numbers of households.  Health problems and extended family turmoil lie outside of the view from the lenses as well.  Professional discontentment, maltreatment, and underemployment are also not in view through the lenses of an individual's social media account.  Still, our perception may be that we are on an island of our own problems because everyone else lives the life of a rock star… or so says social media.
 
While social media has rapidly and radically changed how we are able to connect and stay connected, it is a fair question to ask, “at what price?”  Many couples who have sought counseling have cited the use of the internet as a compounding issue related to their presenting issues.  We have known about the harms and realities of internet addiction for some time now.  The internet has compounded pornography addictions exponentially, by proliferating videos and images to our sides anywhere and at any time.  Experts in Michigan are now awaiting the fallout from recent legislation that legalizes two highly addictive activities; gambling and the internet.  These combinations of highly addictive activities that are readily available have served to complicate recovery efforts for addicts.  People recovering from drug or alcohol addictions eventually have to make the conscious decision to leave their home to find their substance.  People with addictions to the internet, and all of the co-occurring addictive applications, cannot escape it.  
 
Having an awareness and setting rigid boundaries related to internet use is paramount in the fight against developing an unhealthy relationship with it.  Establish firm times to shut devices off in the evening and appropriate times for devices to start back up in the morning.  Do not allow devices in the bedroom, and utilize “Do Not Disturb” features.  Refuse to allow devices to infiltrate quality family times like meals or outings.  Limit the number of social media you subscribe to.  Do not teach your child to self soothe with your device no matter what the circumstances.  Better a screaming child at dinner than an addicted adult.
 
Technology offers amazing capabilities that many of us only dreamed of.  A once overloaded parent with a video camera, still camera, and brick sized cell phone now has a new lease on a healthy back, as all three are combined to the size of a deck of cards.  It’s how we play the cards that matter.  Kenny Rogers was ahead of his time when he wrote “The Gambler.”  You really do need to know when to hold’em, and know when to fold’em.  That song about limits was as true when it was written as it is today.  Maybe the stakes are higher now than ever before?

by Shelley Kruszewski, LCC, NCC

Shelley Kruszewski is the newest member of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team.  She has completed all coursework required of her Master’s Degree in Counseling from Oakland University, and is scheduled to graduate in the Spring of 2023. Her work at Trinity is under the direct supervision of Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS.  In addition to her individual case load at Trinity, Shelley also serves as a co-facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group.

Healthy work engagement tends to bring satisfaction and purpose to one’s life.  In fact, a working society admires those that put in the long hours and are seen as productive.  However, when time spent on the job starts creeping into other areas of life, such as with relationships and health issues, it may be time to take a closer look at why one has become so absorbed with work.
 
Working to Live can be described as Work Engagement. These are people that find their work pleasurable, because there is meaning in the job.  The job is part of who they are.  These types of workers tend to have positive emotions at both work and home, which includes being happy, self-assured, and attentive.
 
Living to Work can be described as Workaholism. These are people that have compulsion to do so, because they feel they should always be working.  The job is who they are.  These types of workers tend to have negative emotions at both work and home, which includes being disappointed, irritable, and tense.
 
Decades of research data confirms that those who display signs of workaholism suffer negative long-term effects, including an actual reduction of productivity at work! There is also a strong correlation that personality traits, such as being a perfectionist or having compulsive behaviors, can play a role in even poorer outcomes.
 
Malissa A. Clark PhD, researcher and director of the Work and Family Experience Research Lab at the University of Georgia, describes a workaholic as having these traits:
 

• Feeling compelled to work because of internal pressures
• Having persistent thoughts about work when not working
• Working beyond what is reasonably expected of the worker (as established by the requirements of the job or basic economic needs) despite the potential for negative consequences (e.g., marital issues)

 
Remember, a good work ethic is beneficial to a healthy mindset.  However, if you gravitate towards more negative patterns, a counselor can help process your specific situation. Together, you can determine what impact your work life is having towards your total well-being, and focus on strategies for a renewed balance in life!

by Liza Hinchey, PhD, LPC

Self-compassion - or the process of turning compassion inwards toward ourselves - is a powerful practice that’s been repeatedly shown to lead to better overall mental health. Often, we talk about the gentler sides of self-compassion: the ability to validate our own emotions, tell ourselves it’s okay to feel what we’re feeling, prioritize our self-care, etc. This practice of gentleness is essential to our psychological well-being; however, that’s not all there is to being truly compassionate towards ourselves.
 
Dr. Kristin Neff, an academic researcher and author, has a valuable take on self-compassion: it requires both a gentle, nurturing practice, and what she has coined “fierce self-compassion” (Neff, 2021).  While the tender side of self-compassion typically involves how we respond to ourselves inwardly, fierce self-compassion refers to how we take outward actions to take care of ourselves. Without this side of the coin, we can’t access the full benefits of this powerful practice. Fierce self-compassion can look like setting boundaries with others; taking action to provide for or protect ourselves and our health; saying “yes” to our wants and needs and “no” to what doesn’t feel right for us. A big one - often especially relevant for women because of the way we’re socialized, but just as emotionally crucial for men - is learning that it’s okay to actively say "yes" to our feelings and needs, rather than prioritizing the needs of others ahead of our own.
 
Similar to how parents can offer both gentle, emotional support to their children, as well as advocate outwardly for their needs, protection, and best interests, we can learn to “parent” ourselves in this way. A great way to get started on any form of self-compassion practice is to ask yourself: if I were responsible for a child going through what I’m going through right now, what might I do to comfort them? And, how might I take action to protect their well-being?
 
 
Neff, K. (2021). Fierce self-compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power, and thrive. Penguin UK.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Here we are again… It really does seem as though time is moving more quickly these days, doesn’t it? As I pulled out the Christmas ornaments and decorations this year, it seemed like such a short time since I had last packed them away. And, how many times have I heard others around me say, “I can’t believe it’s Christmas again already!”
 
Everything feels fast. Busy days of work, childrearing, home management, and the logistics of organizing and planning consume the majority of our days throughout the year. Even the time for finally just sitting at the end of a long week, or connecting socially with family or friends requires intricate management - or a concession to just ‘let it slide’ because there just isn’t time.
 
How do we slow down then, at the end of a big day, or week, or year, and cherish the small moments? I have thought about this a lot this year - not only in my professional role as a counselor to others - but also in my own life. I came up with a few ideas that I’d like to share.  
 
1)     Simply do less.
 
This sounds so, well, simple, right?! But it’s not. It takes a great deal of courage and commitment to say no to perceived obligations, and risk disappointing others who rely on us for so much. Just like many others, I struggle with feelings of letting others down, or - even worse - asking for help with something! But I can assure you that once you let go of something that you thought was “required” of you, you will experience the most blissful feeling of relief! AND, you’ll recognize that maybe it wasn’t a “requirement” after all!
 
A few examples….

• Planning and cooking everything yourself vs asking others to bring a dish
• Wrapping every single gift vs using gift bags [added bonus: saves needing to find a box for every odd item, and having to purchase reams of wrapping paper and bows!]
• Attending every event and perceived commitment vs selectively choosing where you’d like to be

 
2)     Be intentional about the people with whom you want to spend your time.
 
Throughout our busy days, we often have no choice but to spend time with challenging people, i.e. maybe our boss, perhaps co-workers, customers, patients, and the list goes on. So, when we have the opportunity to choose with whom to spend our time during the holidays - we should choose folks who we enjoy, who make us laugh, and who support us in some important way. A good friend once said to me that “…life is too short to spend time with people you don’t enjoy…” She was so right. Make a point to choose who you spend your precious available time with this Christmas season.
 
3)     Engage in mindfulness.
 
Such a ‘buzz word’ these days… but what exactly is mindfulness? Mindfulness is best defined by living in the present moment. Essentially, it means being (intentionally) more aware and awake to each moment and being fully engaged in what is happening in one's surroundings - with acceptance and without judgment.
 
So, that means trying to always be aware of where your mind is focused as you participate in the moments of your own life! It means not allowing yourself to feel distracted by something that has occurred in your past, or preoccupied with something that may lie ahead in your future—the next hour, the next day, or the next event.
 
A few examples…

• Listen to the message from the pulpit, instead of making mental additions to your grocery trip later in the day.
• Allow yourself to enjoy music or a mediation in order to fall asleep, rather than reviewing tomorrow’s ‘to do’ list.
• Basically, think: “Stop and smell the roses…” or the cookies in the oven… or the pine scent of the Christmas tree…
• Notice the snowfall…
• Listen to the lyrics of the Christmas carols being sung…
• Open gifts one at a time to enjoy each person’s experience of delight…
• Smile when you hear a baby giggle, and keep it going with your own smiles and giggles…
• Go outside with your dog and laugh as he romps through the snow…
• Sit and take in the beauty of a sunset...
• Eat slowly and savor a delicious sweet treat…

 
You get the idea.
 
Now back to the issue of busyness… A mindfulness practice will not actually slow down time, but it can offer the opportunity to find greater joy in the individual moments we experience every day. After all, all we really have are single moments continuously connected to one another. Finding ways to make those moments more joyful at Christmas might actually give us a feeling of slowing down - if only a little bit.
 
As we make our way through these last few days of 2022, consider finding some Christmas joy for yourself. Maybe you simply do less, maybe you will try being more intentional about the people with whom you want to spend your time. And maybe, you’ll attempt to exercise a state of mindfulness throughout the holiday. Whatever your effort, please remember that joy found, experienced, and shared is the greatest gift any of us could ask for this Christmas season.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

If mindfulness sounds… well… nebulous, you’re not alone in thinking that. The concept – basically, paying attention to the present moment in a non-judgmental way – can have a hazy, cloudy feel.
 
But the benefits of mindfulness are clear. Research has consistently shown a positive relationship between mindfulness and psychological health.  Things like less stress, more joy, greater focus and improved sleep. In addition, evidence supports our ability to develop this trait.
 
But even if we have a sense of what it means and we know it’s good for us, figuring out how to cultivate it in ourselves and reap the benefits is another story.
 
Enter a little book I came across recently, The Mindful Twenty-Something: Life Skills to Handle Stress…& Everything Else, by Holly B. Rogers, MD. (Don’t stop reading if you’re over 29; the content is universal.) A college student told me this book was assigned reading in one of their freshman courses at Michigan State University. Intrigued, since I encourage clients to incorporate mindful practices and want to know the best resources, I gave it a read.
 
Rogers, a psychiatrist at Duke University who developed a mindfulness program for young adults now taught internationally, states the book’s goal this way:
 
“This book is designed to nudge you into trying mindfulness. In my experience, bridging the gap between understanding that mindfulness is a helpful skill and actually practicing it in a meaningful way is the trickiest part. The Mindful Twenty-Something is about helping you across that gap, taking you from a solid understanding of mindfulness and its benefits to a regular practice that produces positive change for you.”
 
Her easy-going plan encourages 10 minutes a day of meditative practice, jotting down things you’re grateful for, and being mindful during routine activities. She guides the reader through key mindfulness skills, such as “Breath Awareness” and “Labeling Feelings Meditation.” By the last chapter, you will have developed 10 skills and incorporated more mindfulness into your life. Bonus, at under 200 pages with a larger font amidst ample white space, it’s a peaceful read.
 
My clients are giving positive feedback on this guide, but there are a plethora of great mindfulness tools to bridge the gap from concept to practice – other books, apps, podcasts, classes. I encourage you to find one that appeals to you and see if mindfulness may benefit you personally.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ​ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

For some of you, you have spent years raising your kids with the goal of them becoming mature, responsible and independent adults. You may have recently had your last child leave the nest and now it feels quiet, lonely and empty. Your husband may be happy because now he has you all to himself. But for you, this is a new normal that does not feel normal. It is too quiet. You are left alone with more time on your hands; not sure how to fill it or how to find your new purpose.
 
In the realm of nature, a nest is a structure or place made or chosen by a bird for laying eggs and sheltering its young. For us, our nest is not only our homes that we have made, but our lives, our circle of influence, our purpose.
 
Could there be a new purpose for your nest? Could it become more of a haven for your marriage; a safe place where you and your spouse can come home to and feel loved? Could it be a place where neighbors, friends and family come to feel welcomed, valued and loved? Those extra bedrooms can be transformed into guest rooms, a workout space, hobby room, or even rooms for visiting grandchildren if you are so blessed to have them.
 
Take advantage of the quiet to reflect on this next phase of life. Time for reading, hobbies, new interests, cultivation of new friendships, perhaps a new career or more time to focus on the career you have.
 
Take some time to grieve if that is what you feel. Reflect on what was; what you loved, what was difficult, what you wish you could have done differently. Maybe there is a strained relationship with an adult child that needs attention and healing. Now is the time to make those relationships right. Now is the time to stop beating yourself up for mistakes you may have made. Recognize that you did the best you knew how at the time.
 
After a time of reflection, it is time to begin this new and exciting phase of life. Try something new. You might like it! You might find that your nest is filling back up in new and wonderful ways!

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLP) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I picked up a new sport recently: pickleball. It’s fun. As I’ve been playing, though, I’ve noticed some interesting feelings. My opponent celebrates a winning volley with vigorous claps on her paddle and I feel a tinge of something…irritation? My partner shoots me a determined look as we start a game and urges, “We got this!” and I feel a hint of something…annoyance? At these times I may sense my chest tightening and my mind thinking things like, “Come on, we’re just playing for fun, right? It’s not the pickleball Olympics. Why do you have to be so...competitive?”
 
Well, guess who’s competitive? I am! But since I’m not comfortable with that aspect of myself, I don’t own it. My psyche deals with this dilemma by defaulting to one of the “defense mechanisms” identified by Freud: projection. My subconscious projects my annoyance and judgment onto anyone but me. Hence, I spot it, I got it. Ouch.
 
If you’re feeling courageous, consider how this phenomenon might show up in your life. Are there traits in others that you find particularly aggravating? That you judge harshly? That you react to viscerally? Can you bravely, but gently and with abundant grace, allow yourself to wonder if you have those very same traits? Do you spot it because you got it?
 
Similarly, there may be someone in your life with whom you feel constantly at odds. Oil and water. Your one kid you butt heads with so often. The co-worker you can’t stop complaining about. The other mom at whom you flash a fake smile because inside you just feel irritated. Projection can be present in these places, and it can be painful to probe. Has anyone ever told you that you are actually a lot like someone you have difficulty tolerating? Ouch.
 
Of course, projection isn’t the only dynamic that can be at play when we are annoyed by someone or have interpersonal conflict. But it’s a common one. As we dare to notice and confront it, to shepherd it out of our subconscious and into the light – maybe with the support of a friend or in therapy – we can experience personal growth and freedom. We can go ahead and admit, “I spot it because I got it” and move through our lives with more awareness, authenticity, and self-acceptance.

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.​

When supporting our mental health, the mind-body connection is one of the best places to start. Someone could have all the coping skills in the world, but if they’re not also taking care of their body, they might be at risk for issues like anxiety, depression, and stress. It doesn’t have to be difficult—even small changes, like the one I’m going to teach you today, can make a big difference!
 
In the first blog in this series, I want to talk about your body’s biorhythm. Every person (plants and animals too!) has built in “body-clocks” that work to keep us in a state of balance. Geese migrating when the seasons change are due to the same body-clocks that tell us when to go to bed and when to wake up. In fact, this “circadian rhythm,” or the human daily sleeping and waking cycle, is one of the most important when it comes to mental health. We’ve all heard the advice that we should go to bed and wake up at the same time every day; but why does the timing matter?
 
When we sleep and wake at the same time every day, it gives our biorhythms a chance to do their jobs properly. When our body doesn’t need to spend precious energy resetting its clock every night, it can focus on sleeping deeply, improving other biorhythms (like digestion), and directing energy towards the next day! However, not letting your sleep biorhythm do its thing can lead to insomnia, daytime sleepiness, concentration issues, and even symptoms of depression and anxiety. Especially if you deal with any of those symptoms already, it’s so important to support your mental health by supporting your sleep cycles.
 
Of course, we won’t always be able to maximize our biorhythms—changing work schedules, family needs, and other aspects of life may take priority. And that’s okay! Even if you can’t go to bed and wake up at exactly the same time each night, doing it when you can is still beneficial. Even if you’re an hour or so off, you can still experience benefits you may not see if you were two or three hours off.
 
At the end of the day, our bodies have an incredible capacity for adapting to all sorts of schedules and situations. But if you’re looking to improve your mental and physical health, try using your natural body-clock to your advantage!

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.​

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.​

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.​

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP​

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.​

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.​

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and holds a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.​

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP​