You've Got to Know When to Hold'em—And When to Shut Them Down

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

Frequently, as a mental health counselor, I encounter clients who describe lack of movement in their lives.  They have a high degree of difficulty putting a finger on what the actual problem is, but they know that something is amiss.  
 
Upon closer examination, clients are able to connect that they had something different in mind for their lives which they have not achieved.  It varies depending on their stage of life, but a young adult in their early 20’s may believe they should have been with their life partner or achieved their dream career.  Clients in later stages of their life may have assumed they would have been retired and traveling.  These desires may differ from the lived reality, and it may be exacerbated by the use of social media.  
 
Social media platforms offer individuals the opportunity to develop the highlight reel of their lives.  From personal accomplishments, to weddings, children, grandchildren, and world traveling, we often see the lives of others through a certain type of lens.  These lenses are often constructed to be an image of what that person wants to portray to the global online community.  
 
There are things that you cannot see through these manufactured lenses, like the marital strife that still affects large numbers of households.  Health problems and extended family turmoil lie outside of the view from the lenses as well.  Professional discontentment, maltreatment, and underemployment are also not in view through the lenses of an individual's social media account.  Still, our perception may be that we are on an island of our own problems because everyone else lives the life of a rock star… or so says social media.
 
While social media has rapidly and radically changed how we are able to connect and stay connected, it is a fair question to ask, “at what price?”  Many couples who have sought counseling have cited the use of the internet as a compounding issue related to their presenting issues.  We have known about the harms and realities of internet addiction for some time now.  The internet has compounded pornography addictions exponentially, by proliferating videos and images to our sides anywhere and at any time.  Experts in Michigan are now awaiting the fallout from recent legislation that legalizes two highly addictive activities; gambling and the internet.  These combinations of highly addictive activities that are readily available have served to complicate recovery efforts for addicts.  People recovering from drug or alcohol addictions eventually have to make the conscious decision to leave their home to find their substance.  People with addictions to the internet, and all of the co-occurring addictive applications, cannot escape it.  
 
Having an awareness and setting rigid boundaries related to internet use is paramount in the fight against developing an unhealthy relationship with it.  Establish firm times to shut devices off in the evening and appropriate times for devices to start back up in the morning.  Do not allow devices in the bedroom, and utilize “Do Not Disturb” features.  Refuse to allow devices to infiltrate quality family times like meals or outings.  Limit the number of social media you subscribe to.  Do not teach your child to self soothe with your device no matter what the circumstances.  Better a screaming child at dinner than an addicted adult.
 
Technology offers amazing capabilities that many of us only dreamed of.  A once overloaded parent with a video camera, still camera, and brick sized cell phone now has a new lease on a healthy back, as all three are combined to the size of a deck of cards.  It’s how we play the cards that matter.  Kenny Rogers was ahead of his time when he wrote “The Gambler.”  You really do need to know when to hold’em, and know when to fold’em.  That song about limits was as true when it was written as it is today.  Maybe the stakes are higher now than ever before?

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