Emotional Management

I'm So Tired Of Re-Thinking COVID...

1/30/2021

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Holding opposing thoughts at the same time is called cognitive dissonance. As a mental health counselor throughout this pandemic year, I have witnessed my clients, colleagues, friends, and my own family experience a repeated barrage of changes and challenges that have contributed to ongoing experiences of cognitive dissonance.

“I enjoy working from home BUT, I miss my colleagues and the energy of the work environment.”

“I love the extra time I’ve had with my kids BUT, I’m worried about the long-term effects of them not being in school.”

“I’m healthy and not at risk BUT, others just like me have died from this virus.”

This internal conflict takes a toll on our mental health. We’re weary from the ongoing battle of thoughts, and angry that there is still no clear path back to something that might feel normal again.

We find ourselves needing to repeatedly evaluate each set of conflicting thoughts when they arise. We are often unable to align them in any way that brings peace of mind or lessened anxiety, and so the conflict continues. Over time, this thought cycle creates anxiety. As a result, many of us are living in a perpetual state of anticipation and hypervigilance.

There is no easy solution for coping with dissonance of this magnitude. It’s a day-to-day challenge for all of us. Tolerating internal conflict requires mindfulness and consistent self-care. These efforts can help us develop an internal strength that will endure long after the COVID pandemic ends.

Social Re-Engagement Anxiety

6/23/2020

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

We’ve made it to the first day of summer! The number of new COVID-19 cases and deaths are down and the trend is described as “hopeful.” There is talk about how our children may return to school this fall. All signs of our movement beyond the pandemic crisis are there, yet we feel anxious.

Our new reality includes seeing others in public in masks--or not. Being told to continue to physically distance from others yet--seeing those who do not abide by that ‘rule’. Feeling preoccupied with our body’s location in relation to others… wondering when they washed their hands last… questioning what we should touch… hearing every cough around us… wondering if is it safe to use a public restroom… and on and on…

These preoccupying thoughts and worries as we begin to move outside our safe cocoon can escalate our anxiety and sense of personal safety, even as we long for social re-engagement with others across the fabric of our day-to-day lives.

Ultimately, we must balance our personal need for connection with others with the very real knowledge that the virus is NOT eradicated. We have a responsibility to manage our activities in ways that honor our instincts to stay safe. Perhaps some re-engagement anxiety is not such a bad thing? However, if you are feeling overwhelmed or surrounded by others who are taking all this less seriously than you are, consider talking to a caring counselor for assistance in managing this new--yet very real—anxiety.

The Mask Of Anger

11/3/2019

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Forgetting to pick up milk on the way home results in your wife spewing all kinds of nasty words at you when you walk in the door. You wonder what is behind all that anger?

Anger is often the easiest emotion to express and can make us feel better for the moment.

So, what could be underneath this mask of anger? Fear. Shame. Guilt. Unmet needs. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. Worry. Jealousy. Hurt. Some of those emotions are more difficult to express or even identify. The anger seems to flow so effortlessly.

Your wife was really hurting because you had been working so much overtime that you hardly had a minute to talk to her during the week. She was not feeling connected or loved. She feared that the disconnection would only go deeper with your demanding work schedule.

So how do you help her understand the angry outburst when she is so flooded with emotion? Realize it wasn’t about the forgotten milk, ask what else might be going on and then take the time to listen.

Sometimes anger is more chronic and deeply rooted from past hurts. The anger could be from being bullied or abused as a child or the death of someone close.

You may benefit from the help of a professional counselor who could help you identify the root. Perhaps grieving a loss or forgiving someone who hurt you deeply could bring the freedom you desire from this tyrant called anger.

When The Other Shoe Drops...

3/17/2018

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Receiving disappointing or unexpected news about our own lives happens all the time: we didn’t get the promotion, we didn’t pass the exam, the rent is going up, our company is downsizing, our best friend is moving away…

Intellectually, we understand that our lives will be filled with inevitable ups and downs; seasons of prosperity and seasons of ‘tightening the belt.’ Yet when it happens—we often feel like we had been waiting all along for the other shoe to drop. We become bogged down with fear, worry, and sleepless nights as we catastrophize through all of our worst case scenarios.

These types of unexpected pushes toward change that we hadn’t planned on call for us to figure out—very quickly—how to cope with our new circumstances. First we cry, get angry, or deny what is happening. Once the initial shock has passed, we are forced to consider our options for moving forward and accommodating this challenging news. Overwhelmed and fearful, it can be difficult to gain an objective perspective of our own predicament, or even know where to begin.

The assistance of a caring counselor can ease the shock, offer perspective, and illuminate options for ‘next steps.’ A friend once told me that finally going to see a counselor was the best “gift” she had ever given herself. In the face of unforeseen change in our lives, a few visits with a supportive counselor can make all the difference in how you navigate new plans for your future.

The Thieves Who Silence Us

1/21/2018

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

God has given us a voice to express our thoughts, opinions and feelings. For some of us, people or events in our lives have led us to believe that we must remain silent; that we have no right to our own opinions or feelings; that we are unworthy of being heard and incapable of making our own decisions.

This silencing can cause confusion, self-doubt, depression and an inability to function as a confident, capable adult. Who are these thieves? They may be parents or other family members. Perhaps a classmate from the past, a boss, or an abuser has silenced you. Fear or a desire to please could lead us to give another this power.

How do we regain our voice, even after years of silence and confusion? By beginning to gain clarity on what has happened, by talking about it, perhaps with a professional counselor. The beginning of healing is understanding that no person or circumstance can have power over us unless we allow it.

The path to freedom begins with understanding the truth about ourselves and the person or circumstance that seemingly stole our voice. The next steps involve the intentional use of our voice. Perhaps even confronting the thief and explaining that what happened was hurtful and that you are putting an end to this unhealthy dynamic. The more you practice using your voice, by making decisions and expressing your thoughts, the more natural it will become and the freer you will feel.

What Are You Thinking About?

11/20/2016

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

We all have situations or relationships that at times prove so frustrating; it is hard to get them out of our head.

When we feel betrayed by those closest to us, treated harshly or without justice, it can be difficult to stop replaying the scenes that hurt us. Our mind can become a closed room where we bounce off the walls with words we would like to shout at our betrayer. Our thoughts are a continuous loop of the sentiments we would like to write to those who hurt us. Perhaps you cannot sleep due to the constant pounding of angry thoughts, or you wake up thinking about what you want to say to those who have inflicted pain on you.

If you have ever found yourself in this continuous loop, it is important to know it can go on for a long time unless you consciously choose to think differently. Sure, it is healthy to process anger and recognize what is causing it. But after some time, it becomes more damaging to our spirit to hold on to our hurt and continue to nurse our angry thoughts like ripping open a wound instead of letting it heal.

How do we heal? How do we move on? How do we replace thoughts that seem to be in endless supply whether we want them in our head or not? In the counseling field it is recognized that our thoughts influence our feelings which then influence our behavior. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is based on the idea of discerning our thoughts which are leading to unhealthy behaviors and addressing those negative thoughts.

It is fascinating that long before the first Psychologist proposed a theory of right thinking, God provided guidelines in His word to help us with retraining our thoughts. Philippians 4:8 says, “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Interestingly this verse is sandwiched between verses that promise us peace. The verses before it urge us not to feel anxious about anything, but to pray about it with thanksgiving, and we will have a peace so strong, it defies our situation. The verse that follows Philippians 4:8 says if we make a regular practice of thinking on the things represented by the above list, the peace of God will be with us. So we are not only given instructions on what to focus on, we are promised the outcome of peace.

I was in a horrible mood yesterday, and I was struggling to clear my mind. Although I know the instructions in verse 4:8, I have not ever attempted to think of something for each adjective all at once. I proceeded to do it, and the results were nothing short of amazing. I went from my continuous loop of negative thoughts to singing at the top of my lungs as I drove into work. Talk about a transformation! It felt good to focus on such pleasant thoughts. I found myself picturing beautiful images to accompany the positive thoughts in my head. This informed my feelings to shift over to a better mood. That led to my behavior changing from being irritable to having patience with others. I was at peace.

Each of us will come up with different images or definitions. But what if we intentionally began our day thinking about these things? What if we treated ourselves to a daily run through of whatever comes to mind pertaining to the following words?

True – My husband’s love for me
Noble – Standing up to a bully
Right – Kindness
Pure – A baby’s smile
Lovely – a blooming flower with dew clinging to it
Admirable – Encouragement from a friend
Excellent – Treating others with dignity
Praiseworthy – A couple celebrating their 60th anniversary still madly in love

Not only does this list bring wonderful thoughts and images to mind, but it forces us to take our focus off the thoughts that were ruining our mood. God knew the power of dwelling on those things that make us smile and bring us peace. Go ahead, give it a try.

Is My Way Always The Best Way?

5/30/2016

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

What does it mean to accept people and circumstances in our lives?

Do we embrace our child’s temperament, or are they too quiet, too emotional, too loud? Do we accept our spouse as is? Do we try to make them tidier, more social, ten pounds lighter? What about circumstances? Do we groan when the unexpected arises, or do we receive it as part of the anticipated trials of life?

Proverbs 3:5-6, reveals how God wants me to approach acceptance: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” When circumstances don’t make sense, I have learned to trust God that He has more understanding of events unfolding than I do. He gives me a promise that if I acknowledge Him, He will clear the path ahead for me. To acknowledge Him means to seek Him, live a life reflective of His ways that are described in His word. Acceptance allows me to take the pressure off myself to have all the answers and trust God that He is clearing the way for me.

This acceptance has helped me to let go of moments that in the past would have caused me stress. I trust God to guide the steps of my children and don’t need to control every detail. I’m able to trust that He knows better, and I can lean on His ways, not mine.

Confronting Your Perfectionism

3/19/2016

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Who among us hasn’t at some point fallen short of our own expectations of ourselves, either in ambition, performance, or achievement?

For many, the response is simply to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and try, try again… OR… Try something different! A healthy dose of patience and positive self-regard allows us to recognize and accept our own limitations and to temper our perception of our experiences with defeat. We are able to recognize that we are not perfect.

However, for many people the need to be perfect, or do things perfectly, is an overwhelming and all-consuming focus. Perfectionism can be defined as the tendency to set rigid—and often impossibly—high standards for personal performance, and is frequently the result of a black-and-white thinking style.

Research informs us that besides genetics, perfectionism is the strongest predictor of clinical depression. Additionally, perfectionists often suffer from anxiety, which can result in an overly structured approach to life, with little room for spontaneity or fun—least their imperfections be revealed. Fear clearly fuels the perfectionist’s world.

The first step to confronting your perfectionism is to begin to hear the messages that you give yourself—about yourself. Recognizing your “inner critic” can allow you to begin to challenge those messages, and actively work toward changing them. The task is to replace those self-critical thoughts with kinder, gentler, and less demanding standards. Setting expectations that simply ask for your personal best allows credit for your effort—in spite of a less than perfect outcome.

How Can I Stop Worrying?

5/17/2015

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

From a human perspective, we have much to feel anxious about.

Can we pay our bills? What will be the result of that last medical test? Can I forgive someone who hurt me deeply? Will we have money for retirement? What happens if I lose my job? Will my children be strong enough to escape the temptations that could cause them so much grief? Will they be successful and happy? Our worries are many, and increasing daily.

From God’s perspective, we need not be anxious. Is it possible to live without worry? You may think that your troubles are too big and too numerous. Does God really care about you? Yes! He knows our natural tendency toward worry, so He tells us: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4: 6-7

He tells us to bring EVERY concern to Him in prayer; to thank Him in advance for His answers. Thanksgiving conveys our faith in God who is trustworthy, who is sovereign, who loves us unconditionally, and causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called to His purpose. Romans 8:28

The result of doing what God asks of us is a peace that is beyond our human understanding. Goodbye worry! (At least until the next crisis!)

How Are You Managing Your Emotional World?

3/29/2015

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Have you ever tried to keep a beach ball under the surface of the water in a swimming pool?

The task requires A LOT of energy and focus, and ultimately results in our giving up when we can no longer sustain the effort. We reach a point of exhaustion and finally allow the ball to breach the surface of the water with a force of explosive power. We laugh, we giggle, and we finally relax our body after the effort required to keep the ball submerged has ended.

Have you ever realized the concentrated psychic vigilance you are exerting when you try to keep your emotions ‘pushed down?’ Like the submerged beach ball, our emotions need to surface and be acknowledged. Then, and only then, can we relax and let go of the preoccupation with avoiding and guarding our feelings of anxiety, depression and of course, anger. The fear of finally letting our feelings emerge can paralyze us, leaving us preoccupied, and with no energy for enjoying the moments of our daily lives.

Can you begin to imagine how your life might be different if you were to let your feelings be known to others? Instead of exhausting yourself with the relentless pursuit of keeping that ball of emotion contained?

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