TRINITY FAMILY COUNSELING CENTER
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Emotional Management

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Let’s face it—our emotions can get the better of any of us. Anxiety, depression, self-doubt, fear, worry, loneliness, low self-esteem, codependency, and anger are just a few of the emotional demons that rob us of our ability to experience joy, to be present in our day-to-day lives, and to engage with and love others to our fullest potential.
 
Each of the counselors at Trinity is experienced in helping clients identify and confront their emotional challenges through a wide range of therapeutic approaches. The first step toward change is always to develop an awareness of how your daily experiences trigger and perpetuate your negative thoughts about yourself or others, and then how those thoughts lead to your troubling emotional responses and—often times—inappropriate or unhealthy behaviors.
Counseling Insights and Articles About Emotional Management:
Moms: Can Your Empty Nest Grow Full Again?, by Deb Toering
Compare and Despair
, by Sherrie Darnell
Is It Me?  Maladaptive Coping Strategies in the Fire Service, by Dave Papandrea

Waiting for the Sun: Shining a Light on Seasonal Depression, by Sherrie Darnell
Understanding The Roots Of Perfectionism, by Liza Hinchey
The Mind-Body Connection: Nutrition Strategies for Anxiety​, by Liza Hinchey
Help! I Can’t Stop My Anxious Thoughts, by Deb Toering
Pregnancy During A Pandemic, by Kathy Cap
The "I Should" Mind Game, by Kathy Cap
The "Why" of Anxiety​, by Liza Hinchey
I'm So Tired Of Re-Thinking COVID..., by Tonya Ratliff
Looking Forward To 2021, by Deb Toering
Social Re-Engagement Anxiety, by Tonya Ratliff
In This Time Of Uncertainty..., by Kathy Cap
The Mask Of Anger, by Deb Toering
Is That Bully Still Beating You Up?
, by Deb Toering
Conflict Is So Hard At Times!, by Wendy Warner
When the Other Shoe Drops…, by Tonya Ratliff
The Thieves Who Silence Us, by Deb Toering
Emotional Consequences of Job Loss, by Tonya Ratliff
What Are You Thinking About?, by Wendy Warner
Is My Way Always the Best Way?, by Wendy Warner
Confronting Your Perfectionism, by Tonya Ratliff
How Can I Stop Worrying?, by Deb Toering
How Are You Managing Your Emotional World?, by Tonya Ratliff

Compare And Despair

3/22/2022

 

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC
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Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.
I clearly remember when I heard that small but mighty phrase for the first time. It felt abrupt, blunt, overly simplistic… and very, very true. I had been pouring out my struggles to a girlfriend. I was complaining about what I perceived as my myriad shortcomings and wallowing in envy as I lamented all the gifts and talents others had, and I didn’t.
 
My friend listened intently, then looked at me calmly with kind blue eyes and said, matter-of-factly, “compare and despair.”
 
What could I say? She was right. I was comparing myself to others, and it was causing me despair. Simple as that. While it seemed somewhat indelicate and reductionist after my long-winded pity party, it was exactly what I needed. I think I even managed a laugh. We don’t always need to read a book or listen to a podcast. A pithy little rhyme may do just fine.
 
That was years ago now, but that phrase and that moment have stuck with me. I still compare, and I still despair. I sometimes dress up my comparisons in nuanced language hoping to camouflage it; or I don’t share it out loud, but I think it. It’s still the same thing. Often, though, I hear “compare and despair” in my ear, and it helps me stop those unhelpful thoughts.
 
God uses a few more words in Galatians 6:4 to remind us to steer clear of the comparison trap: “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.” (NLT)
 
Our Heavenly Father has uniquely gifted each of us for our own work, and He wants us to focus on that with joy. But this is where things can get complicated. We may have a hard time valuing our gifts. Our parents may have compared us to siblings or others, leaving us feeling less than. We may feel like society values certain things, and we don’t measure up. We have broken self-worth or deep unmet needs, and we require much more than a catchy memory device to avoid comparison. These are painful wounds that need healing.
 
Talking with a professional counselor can be very helpful in defeating this type of negative self-talk. However, also feel free to use the reminder that pops into my head and convicts me every time: “compare and despair!”

Waiting for the Sun: Shining a Light on Seasonal Depression

1/9/2022

 
by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC
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Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.
It starts in late summer, the sense that our sunny days are slipping away. We live outside. In fall, we text “hoping for sunshine!” in our group chats before tailgates. We set the clocks back and cringe, knowing we’ll see the sun even less. Then comes winter. Sure, the sun shines sometimes, but the cold can keep us cooped up inside.
 
If you notice certain changes that correspond to the change in seasons, you may be sensitive to fall and winter’s lower sunlight levels. You may be mildly affected, or experience more significant changes referred to as seasonal affective disorder (SAD) or seasonal depression. In addition to feeling down, these seasonal changes often include low energy, oversleeping, overeating, carbohydrate cravings, and weight gain.
 
SAD increases with latitude, so it’s more common here in Michigan than in Florida, for example. Women are more likely than men to have SAD, and, while it’s not prevalent in children, younger adults are at the highest risk.
 
But if you are affected, you don’t have to suffer until spring. You can:
 
  • Increase your exposure to natural light. Get outside. Take walks if possible. Bright sun is great, but any outdoor light helps. At home or work, open blinds and sit by windows.
 
  • Consider light therapy. Research supports the effectiveness of light therapy and, increasingly, university wellness centers are offering it for students. It is exposure to artificial light from a light box, available via internet or other retailers. The Mayo Clinic website has an excellent article on light therapy including uses, risks, and guidelines. [1]
 
  • Regulate sleep patterns. Going to bed and waking up at roughly the same time daily, along with reducing napping, provides a healthy rhythm and maximizes daylight exposure.
 
  • Exercise and eat well. You’ve heard it before, but there’s power in movement and making thoughtful food choices. Treating exercise as a “must” and keeping your eating balanced can combat symptoms.
 
  • Use counseling. Talk therapy can help you better identify and understand seasonal depression and find ways to alleviate it.
 
  • Talk to your doctor. Certain medications can treat SAD, and your doctor can evaluate whether other medical factors are affecting how you’re feeling.
 
As the writer of Ecclesiastes said: “The light is pleasant, and it is good for the eyes to see the sun.” (11:7, NASB). If winter is a hard time for you, try these tools and don’t hesitate to seek support.

[1] Mayo Clinic. (2017, February 8). Light Therapy. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/light-therapy/about/pac-20384604

Understanding The Roots Of Perfectionism

12/11/2021

 
by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC
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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.
Perfectionism can be a tricky cycle to break — after all, if you’re a perfectionist, on some level you probably feel like you’re getting results! Perfectionistic traits might feel useful in your career, your education, and even your relationships. Though there are surely a lot of downsides to these traits, perfectionism can be difficult to work through when we feel like it’s serving us in these ways.
 
The truth, though, is that it’s not perfectionism itself that’s helping us succeed — it’s the specific habits and behaviors that often come with it, like diligence, good time management, conscientiousness, or any other way of being that you relate to. And the good news is that these traits can and do exist without feelings of perfectionism. That’s because perfectionism isn’t rooted in diligence or conscientiousness or any of these useful habits that might seem related to it — perfectionism is rooted in self-criticism.
 
Our brains, whether it feels like it or not, are always trying to protect us on some level. When we’ve dealt with high levels of criticism from others, especially as children, one way our minds can try to adapt and protect us from the painful emotions of being criticized is to decide that our main goal will be to simply not give anyone anything to criticize. In other words, our brains decide that in order to feel safe, we need to be perfect.
 
The only flaw with this logic, of course, is that no one in the history of humanity has ever been (or will ever be) perfect. Unfortunately, the deeper levels of our brains that make these safety-related decisions can’t really process logic — so they miss this important fact. This is also the reason that trying to let go of perfectionism can be so anxiety-inducing — our brains now interpret not being perfect as a threat to our very safety. Because this pattern usually comes from experiencing high levels of criticism as a child, it then becomes common to experience a high level of self-criticism, as our minds try to “keep us perfect” and protect us from the painful emotions of being criticized by others. In other words, self-criticism becomes one of our main tools for self-protection. Once again, we can see the brain’s lack of logic — we might not be getting criticized as much by others now, but we are constantly criticizing ourselves! Because self-criticism is under our own brain’s control, however, our mind usually interprets it as less threatening than the chance that someone else will criticize us unexpectedly. Human minds do not like uncertainty. To put it simply, our minds may have solved one problem (keeping us safe) but created another (the pain of living with self-criticism).
 
So, if perfectionism occurs to protect us from the emotions associated with being criticized, the real key to working through perfectionism is not to avoid criticism at all cost by attacking ourselves — it’s to get comfortable with these difficult emotions. If we know and feel that we can cope with the full range of human emotions, even the tough or unpleasant ones, our brains won’t feel like they need to protect us so fiercely by trying to be perfect. There are healthy ways of coping with emotions like shame, embarrassment, sadness, anger, or any other feelings that come up for us when we’re being criticized — and learning these new ways of approaching emotions will, in the long run, give us a greater sense of safety and security than trying to reach the impossible goal of perfection. Plus, bonus! — You get to keep those useful habits like diligence and determination, only without the harmful self-criticism — and that’s the real recipe for thriving when it comes to your goals AND your well-being.

The Mind-Body Connection: Nutrition Strategies for Anxiety

8/23/2021

 
by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC
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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.
While mental health is complex—and anxiety typically can’t be completely resolved through nutrition—it is also true that the brain chemicals (called neurotransmitters) that contribute to our moods must come from somewhere.

The foods we eat play important roles in producing the chemicals that contribute to a calm mind. Of course, treatments like counseling and / or medications are often essential aspects of healing from anxiety as well—and you should consult with your medical doctor before making any major dietary changes. That said, there are several nutrition strategies to consider if you’d like to reduce anxiety.
 
Make sure you’re eating enough. In some cases, feeling constantly stressed and anxious may be related to not eating enough throughout the day. Some of the other symptoms of not getting enough calories include:

  • Low energy
  • Cold hands and feet
  • Trouble falling or staying asleep
  • Low body temperature (below 97.8 first thing in the morning)
  • Food cravings
 
If these symptoms sound familiar to you, you may want to talk to your medical doctor about whether you are eating enough!
 
Eat foods that may help counteract anxiety. In addition to simply getting enough to eat, there are certain foods that may help your body cope with stress and reduce your feelings of anxiety:

  • Protein: Remember those neurotransmitters we talked about? Those are mostly made of protein! Whether you choose a diet with or without animal products, making sure you get enough protein is so important for mental health.
 
  • Anti-inflammatory fats: Studies are showing increasing evidence that inflammation in the body may contribute to some mental health problems, including anxiety. Some foods that may help reduce inflammation include:
         * Almonds                * Avocados                   * Walnuts

  • Fermented foods: Similarly, healthy levels of the “good bacteria” in your digestive system (called probiotics) have been linked to mental health benefits. To take advantage of this, try:
         * Yogurt                    * Miso                         * Sauerkraut
         * Kombucha             * Kimchi                      * Dark chocolate
 
When you’re working to improve your mental health, every aspect of your well-being counts. Alongside your counseling journey, making a few easy changes to your nutrition can help you feel better and get a few steps closer to a calmer, more balanced headspace. And, really, what’s better than therapist-prescribed chocolate?

Pregnancy During A Pandemic

5/16/2021

 
by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC
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Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.
Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine who is a new mom and it occurred to me that her experience, along with many women who gave birth in 2020, is unlike anything most of us moms have ever experienced.

The rollercoaster of emotions that she had to endure is unprecedented. She, of course, felt the normal excitement and concerns that come with praying for a healthy pregnancy, but she also experienced grief, loss, anger, and some self-pity. To become pregnant during the pandemic meant that she was not able to experience all of the small milestones with her husband by her side. That precious moment you hear the baby’s heartbeat or receive your first ultrasound was done alone, without her husband by her side. She wasn’t even sure if her husband would be allowed into the delivery room on the big day. 
 
There were also all the social milestones she never got to experience, such as being surrounded by her family and friends at her baby shower, opening up all the adorable baby gifts, or having her friends and family fuss over her growing belly.  Then, once the baby was born, she was at home, isolated because of a pandemic; fearful of what the baby might be exposed to out in the world. This isolation meant no mommy and me groups, strolls around the neighborhood, or visits with grandma and grandpa. What should have been a happy time became an anxiety ridden, sad, lonely experience.
 
All the uncertainty and lack of community created a loss that she has continued to struggle with. She experienced grief and loss, but also some guilt for feeling this uneasy when she had a beautiful baby girl at home. It’s easy for others to dismiss these feelings and put all the focus on the baby but it’s important to address them and understand that it’s normal and okay.  If this is something that you also have experienced, know that you’re not alone. Sharing your loss with a professional counselor and talking through your emotions without guilt or judgment, can help you move forward and focus on all the future joys that motherhood will bring.

The "I Should" Mind Game

3/4/2021

 
by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC
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Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.​
We all have that little voice in our head telling us what we should or shouldn’t be doing in our lives.

You know you’ve heard it before. “I should work out more,” “I should clean out the fridge,” “I should reach out to an old friend,” or the all-encompassing, “I should be more productive in my life.” This little—or sometimes big—inner voice can wreak havoc with our self-esteem. It not only makes us feel bad about ourselves, but it also makes us so anxious that we get absolutely nothing done. We become overwhelmed with such a long list of shoulds that we freeze up and accomplish nothing.
  
Instead of crawling under the covers and continuing to procrastinate while also telling yourself that you’re lazy, try looking at the situation from a different point of view. For some, procrastination stems from low self-esteem and lack of confidence which leads to a fear of failure. Procrastinators tend to only look at the big picture which can seem like a tall mountain to climb. Instead, begin with breaking the tasks down into smaller ones and create a list of what you would like to accomplish within the day or week.  Begin with the easier tasks and take a break in between so you don’t burn out. To combat that negative voice, recognize what you have done, and give yourself a pat on the back for the tasks that you do accomplish.  
 
Next, put it on the calendar. If you schedule time for the tasks you would like to accomplish, you’re more likely to get them done.  You don’t have to finish everything in one day; it’s not a race.  It’s also important to remember that some days you’ll do better than others and that’s okay. You’re not perfect, you’re human!  When you find yourself beginning to once again procrastinate, don’t engage in negative self-talk; cut yourself some slack. Remember tomorrow is a new day with the opportunity to begin again.

The "Why" Of Anxiety

2/8/2021

 
by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC
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Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.
As we approach a full year of living in this uncertain new reality, I want to talk about anxiety.

​Anxiety always exists for a reason. Notice I didn’t say a good reason, but a reason, nonetheless. On a very basic level, anxiety exists to protect us and to keep us alive. It only becomes an issue because keeping us alive is often not synonymous with keeping us happy or satisfied.
 
Some of the most common symptoms of anxiety, like excessive worrying or a racing heart rate, happen because your brain and body are trying to prepare you to face some sort of threat. The threat may be unknown or hypothetical, but the anxiety part of our brain isn’t really able to tell the difference between what’s real and what’s hypothetical. It gets you ready to panic / run / problem-solve either way.
 
Understanding the “why” of your anxiety can help you process it and improves the chances that it will resolve itself faster. So, the next time you feel anxious, try to think or journal about what it is your anxiety is trying to protect you from. Maybe even approach it as if you were a scientist, observing an interesting natural phenomenon.  Is the anxiety trying to protect you from future pain? From embarrassment? From losing your sense of safety or self? Be curious and see what you learn! This is often one of the first steps towards long-term, lasting change in how we experience anxiety—and in how we find peace.

I'm So Tired Of Re-Thinking COVID...

1/30/2021

 
by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS
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Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.
Holding opposing thoughts at the same time is called cognitive dissonance. As a mental health counselor throughout this pandemic year, I have witnessed my clients, colleagues, friends, and my own family experience a repeated barrage of changes and challenges that have contributed to ongoing experiences of cognitive dissonance.
 
“I enjoy working from home BUT, I miss my colleagues and the energy of the work environment.”
 
“I love the extra time I’ve had with my kids BUT, I’m worried about the long-term effects of them not being in school.”
 
“I’m healthy and not at risk BUT, others just like me have died from this virus.”
 
This internal conflict takes a toll on our mental health. We’re weary from the ongoing battle of thoughts, and angry that there is still no clear path back to something that might feel normal again.
 
We find ourselves needing to repeatedly evaluate each set of conflicting thoughts when they arise. We are often unable to align them in any way that brings peace of mind or lessened anxiety, and so the conflict continues. Over time, this thought cycle creates anxiety. As a result, many of us are living in a perpetual state of anticipation and hypervigilance.
 
There is no easy solution for coping with dissonance of this magnitude. It’s a day-to-day challenge for all of us. Tolerating internal conflict requires mindfulness and consistent self-care. These efforts can help us develop an internal strength that will endure long after the COVID pandemic ends.

Social Re-Engagement Anxiety

6/23/2020

 
by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS
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Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.
W​e’ve made it to the first day of summer! The number of new COVID-19 cases and deaths are down and the trend is described as “hopeful.” There is talk about how our children may return to school this fall. All signs of our movement beyond the pandemic crisis are there, yet we feel anxious.
 
Our new reality includes seeing others in public in masks--or not. Being told to continue to physically distance from others yet--seeing those who do not abide by that ‘rule’. Feeling preoccupied with our body’s location in relation to others… wondering when they washed their hands last… questioning what we should touch… hearing every cough around us… wondering if is it safe to use a public restroom… and on and on…
 
These preoccupying thoughts and worries as we begin to move outside our safe cocoon can escalate our anxiety and sense of personal safety, even as we long for social re-engagement with others across the fabric of our day-to-day lives.
 
Ultimately, we must balance our personal need for connection with others with the very real knowledge that the virus is NOT eradicated. We have a responsibility to manage our activities in ways that honor our instincts to stay safe. Perhaps some re-engagement anxiety is not such a bad thing?  However, if you are feeling overwhelmed or surrounded by others who are taking all this less seriously than you are, consider talking to a caring counselor for assistance in managing this new--yet very real—anxiety.

The Mask Of Anger

11/3/2019

 
by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC
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Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.
Forgetting to pick up milk on the way home results in your wife spewing all kinds of nasty words at you when you walk in the door. You wonder what is behind all that anger?
 
Anger is often the easiest emotion to express and can make us feel better for the moment.
 
So, what could be underneath this mask of anger? Fear. Shame. Guilt. Unmet needs. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. Worry. Jealousy. Hurt.  Some of those emotions are more difficult to express or even identify. The anger seems to flow so effortlessly.
 
Your wife was really hurting because you had been working so much overtime that you hardly had a minute to talk to her during the week. She was not feeling connected or loved. She feared that the disconnection would only go deeper with your demanding work schedule.
 
So how do you help her understand the angry outburst when she is so flooded with emotion? Realize it wasn’t about the forgotten milk, ask what else might be going on and then take the time to listen.
 
Sometimes anger is more chronic and deeply rooted from past hurts. The anger could be from being bullied or abused as a child or the death of someone close.

You may benefit from the help of a professional counselor who could help you identify the root. Perhaps grieving a loss or forgiving someone who hurt you deeply could bring the freedom you desire from this tyrant called anger.

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Copyright © 2023 Trinity Family Counseling LLC
  • Home
  • Areas of Specialization
    • Christian Counseling
    • Emotional Management
    • Self-Care
    • Relationships and Marriage
    • Grief and Loss
    • Family Counseling
    • Divorce
    • Remarriage and Blended Families
    • Parenting Counseling
    • Children and Adolescents Counseling
    • ADHD Counseling
    • Groups
  • Our Counselors
    • Tonya Ratliff
    • Deb Toering
    • Wendy Warner
    • Liza Hinchey
    • Dave Papandrea
    • Sherrie Darnell
    • Shelley Kruszewski
  • The Intern Option
  • LLC Supervision
  • Fees