by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

​Physical injuries are a blessing when compared to mental traumas that we suffer.  Typically, contusions offer discoloration, fractures offer deformity, and lacerations requiring stitches present with obvious needs for medical intervention.  But when our psyche has been trucked by the emotional trauma that accompanies life, there is no outward bleeding, life’s bruises are not as apparent on the mind, and there is no angulated fracture on an x-ray to finger.  Imagine the damage we can cause an untreated break if we continue through life bearing full weight on it.  Apply the same to our psyche.  Here are four ways to identify mental injuries in people we are close to, and two ways we can intervene.
 
1)      Loss of Interest:  Sometimes when we experience pain, we make a concerted effort not to re-experience that pain.  Think about a sprained ankle.  We limp and favor that leg until the pain is not as intense.  We use crutches to completely eliminate the full weight of everyday life.  People will immobilize their legs on a scooter, and they roll around completely avoiding using the limb.  Similarly, when someone suffers a mental injury, they become avoidant.  Things that were once pleasurable will lose their flavor.  They work to avoid being in a place that may exacerbate the pain they experience, no differently than with a bad leg.  An individual with a mental injury may recluse, so as to avoid people, believing that it will help ease the pain they experience.
 
2)      Changes to Appetite:  There are times when pain (physical and mental) becomes so intense that some experience major changes to their appetite.  Loss of appetite seems obvious.  How can someone think about food in a time of intense pain.  However, the brain’s pleasure pathway is activated by eating.  When the brain is experiencing depressed mood or worse, it will try to right the ship.  Hits of dopamine, which is released during oral intake, is one way to bring about temporary relief.  Salty, fatty, sugary foods all activate the pleasure pathway of the brain.  Any changes to appetite could be an indicator.
 
3)      Self-Medication:  The brain will seek to self-regulate itself using substances, both legal and illicit.  During periods of mental suffering the brain is very interested in relief.  In the absence of effective coping strategies and / or prescribed psychotropics, the brain will take whatever it can get.  Experimenting with substances may, albeit maladaptively, bring about a feeling of temporary relief from mental anguish.  A more obvious indicator of psychological pain is changes in use of substances.  But what about someone who uses legal substances like alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, even food??  The answer to the question is twofold.  First, has there been a change?  Second, is there any utility in the person’s usage?  An example of utility would be drinking to relax or forget.
 
4)      Changes in Relationships:  It is hard to pour into relationships with others when our inner world is on the ropes.  You may not know the pain people are experiencing psychologically, but you can tell something is off in the relationships they hold.  Texting and calling becomes infrequent or messages go unanswered.  As previously mentioned, people recluse and stop participating in activities, groups, or events with others.  There is a feeling of “distance” in the relationship.  Conflict may arise where there had previously been none.  These symptoms combined with any of the others begin to paint a picture of someone who is struggling internally.
 
How do we intervene and help our friends, colleagues, and family through difficult times when they suffer from a mental injury?
 
1)      Self-Disclosure:  Misery truly loves company!  Sharing your experiences and related feelings may help people feel more “normal”.  Abnormal situations bring about abnormal responses in people.  AND THAT’S TOTALLY NORMAL!  But people don’t feel normal.  In fact, people tend to feel the opposite, wondering if they are the only ones who have ever felt this way.  Providing disclosure and normalizing the individual's response greatly reduces their risk of more complicated feeling expressions down the road.
 
Elevate the Conversation:  If we needed a referral for a good primary care physician, we could probably post the inquiry to social media and get dozens of responses.  Everyone seems to have a primary care physician for a physical or for the sniffles.  But what happens when our psyche encounters one of life’s little hiccups?  A desperate search for a counselor with openings ensues… sometimes.  More often than not we endure the pain hoping time will heal the wound.  But there is a better way.  If we talked about our mental injuries as pragmatically as we talked about a twisted ankle, the concept of treatment would not be such a mystery.  Openly discussing distressing times, like the death of a loved one, and the excellent therapist that walked with you through your grief helps to plant a seed for those who are suffering.  You help to normalize the grief process, including working with mental health professionals, when you pragmatically describe your experience in counseling as if you were seeing the PA at your doctor’s office.  The more casually we talk about our experiences with mental health, the more the conversation is elevated in the circles of the people we love.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

If I had a dime, as they say, for every time one of my clients says the word “should,” I’d be rich. Err…maybe not, with inflation, but I’d have A LOT of dimes.
 
There tends to be an inverse correlation between our “shoulds” and our ensuing emotions:
 

• Fewer “shoulds” equates to more positive emotions.
• More “shoulds” equates to more negative emotions

             (fewer positive ones).
 
This phenomenon has been highlighted in counseling theories that connect cognitive patterns and mood (perhaps most notably by Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy), who referred to using a lot of “shoulds” as, simply, “shoulding.”
 
But why? What’s wrong with “shoulding”? Aren’t there things we “should” do, that others (clearly!) “should” do, that “should” be different than they are? A proper answer would be longer than this post. But “should” (and its cousins “must,” “have to,” etc.) weighs us down. It carries irrational beliefs, self-recrimination, and a lack of grace and acceptance. A more accurate and healthier expression is “I wish” or “I desire.” This allows us to own our wishes as wants, not edicts.
 
For example, a college student might lament “I should have a clear career path mapped out by now!” Really? Who says? Is that a fact we can verify? It certainly brings harsh judgment onto the self which can fuel negative feelings or depression. If that same person says, “I WISH I had a clear career path mapped out,” they express their desire without the vice grip of a “should.” They then can say what they choose to – again, not should do – about it. They own their feelings without judgment, and they own their opportunity to respond, which is empowering.
 
Using the phrase “I get to” can level up our thinking even more, adding a dimension of gratitude. For example, saying “I get to research and consider various career paths” fosters appreciation for the resources and freedoms we do have, even if we don’t have the clarity we long for. This is a tough shift for most people but can be positive and powerful.
 
Changing our thoughts from “should” or “must” to “choose to” or “get to” can be extremely difficult, particularly if we have depression. Becoming aware of and overriding deeply entrenched paradigms is a process. A therapist can help you recognize “shoulding” and other unhelpful thinking patterns to help improve your mood.

by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy, and is currently pursuing a PhD in psychology at Wayne State University. She works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Sometime between 1902 and 1908, likely while living in Paris, Austrian poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote the following lines:

​Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final
 
The idea of letting ourselves feel painful emotions is easier said than done; often, our instincts are to push them away to protect ourselves. But we’ve collectively progressed to the point where we all know that this either makes them resurface in worse and more damaging ways, and/or numbs us to all of our feelings. So, the only way out that’s left is through. To let everything happen to you.
 
Being here and being human means feeling everything, forever. We get all the colors and all the shades of every emotion. We get to feel absolutely ripped apart, and we get to vibrate with excitement and joy (thanks, human experience). Some emotions are easy to feel, and some are really, really hard. When you’re in the midst of the latter, it can help to remember a few things.
 
Trust that no feeling is final. There is an abundance of emotions in your future. Sometimes they’re beautiful and sometimes they’re terrible, but none of them last and all of them move through us. Sometimes we want to hold on to painful emotions, if they’re part of the pain of grief, because they connect us to our loved one. But even that feeling of wanting to feel the pain will change. Let yourself want to grieve and be in pain if you need to.
 
Then, remember that this whole human experience is shared — you’re so far from alone, because feeling everything is inextricably woven into what it means to exist here. This doesn’t make the painful stuff go away. Just puts it into context. Lean on your people, and even if it feels like a painful reality couldn’t possibly ever change… just keep going.

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I clearly remember when I heard that small but mighty phrase for the first time. It felt abrupt, blunt, overly simplistic… and very, very true. I had been pouring out my struggles to a girlfriend. I was complaining about what I perceived as my myriad shortcomings and wallowing in envy as I lamented all the gifts and talents others had, and I didn’t.
 
My friend listened intently, then looked at me calmly with kind blue eyes and said, matter-of-factly, “compare and despair.”
 
What could I say? She was right. I was comparing myself to others, and it was causing me despair. Simple as that. While it seemed somewhat indelicate and reductionist after my long-winded pity party, it was exactly what I needed. I think I even managed a laugh. We don’t always need to read a book or listen to a podcast. A pithy little rhyme may do just fine.
 
That was years ago now, but that phrase and that moment have stuck with me. I still compare, and I still despair. I sometimes dress up my comparisons in nuanced language hoping to camouflage it; or I don’t share it out loud, but I think it. It’s still the same thing. Often, though, I hear “compare and despair” in my ear, and it helps me stop those unhelpful thoughts.
 
God uses a few more words in Galatians 6:4 to remind us to steer clear of the comparison trap: “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.” (NLT)
 
Our Heavenly Father has uniquely gifted each of us for our own work, and He wants us to focus on that with joy. But this is where things can get complicated. We may have a hard time valuing our gifts. Our parents may have compared us to siblings or others, leaving us feeling less than. We may feel like society values certain things, and we don’t measure up. We have broken self-worth or deep unmet needs, and we require much more than a catchy memory device to avoid comparison. These are painful wounds that need healing.
 
Talking with a professional counselor can be very helpful in defeating this type of negative self-talk. However, also feel free to use the reminder that pops into my head and convicts me every time: “compare and despair!”

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

It starts in late summer, the sense that our sunny days are slipping away. We live outside. In fall, we text “hoping for sunshine!” in our group chats before tailgates. We set the clocks back and cringe, knowing we’ll see the sun even less. Then comes winter. Sure, the sun shines sometimes, but the cold can keep us cooped up inside.
 
If you notice certain changes that correspond to the change in seasons, you may be sensitive to fall and winter’s lower sunlight levels. You may be mildly affected, or experience more significant changes referred to as seasonal affective disorder (SAD) or seasonal depression. In addition to feeling down, these seasonal changes often include low energy, oversleeping, overeating, carbohydrate cravings, and weight gain.
 
SAD increases with latitude, so it’s more common here in Michigan than in Florida, for example. Women are more likely than men to have SAD, and, while it’s not prevalent in children, younger adults are at the highest risk.
 
But if you are affected, you don’t have to suffer until spring. You can:
 

• Increase your exposure to natural light. Get outside. Take walks if possible. Bright sun is great, but any outdoor light helps. At home or work, open blinds and sit by windows.

 

• Consider light therapy. Research supports the effectiveness of light therapy and, increasingly, university wellness centers are offering it for students. It is exposure to artificial light from a light box, available via internet or other retailers. The Mayo Clinic website has an excellent article on light therapy including uses, risks, and guidelines. [1]

 

• Regulate sleep patterns. Going to bed and waking up at roughly the same time daily, along with reducing napping, provides a healthy rhythm and maximizes daylight exposure.

 

• Exercise and eat well. You’ve heard it before, but there’s power in movement and making thoughtful food choices. Treating exercise as a “must” and keeping your eating balanced can combat symptoms.

 

• Use counseling. Talk therapy can help you better identify and understand seasonal depression and find ways to alleviate it.

 

• Talk to your doctor. Certain medications can treat SAD, and your doctor can evaluate whether other medical factors are affecting how you’re feeling.

 
As the writer of Ecclesiastes said: “The light is pleasant, and it is good for the eyes to see the sun.” (11:7, NASB). If winter is a hard time for you, try these tools and don’t hesitate to seek support.

[1] Mayo Clinic. (2017, February 8). Light Therapy. https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/light-therapy/about/pac-20384604

by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Perfectionism can be a tricky cycle to break — after all, if you’re a perfectionist, on some level you probably feel like you’re getting results! Perfectionistic traits might feel useful in your career, your education, and even your relationships. Though there are surely a lot of downsides to these traits, perfectionism can be difficult to work through when we feel like it’s serving us in these ways.
 
The truth, though, is that it’s not perfectionism itself that’s helping us succeed — it’s the specific habits and behaviors that often come with it, like diligence, good time management, conscientiousness, or any other way of being that you relate to. And the good news is that these traits can and do exist without feelings of perfectionism. That’s because perfectionism isn’t rooted in diligence or conscientiousness or any of these useful habits that might seem related to it — perfectionism is rooted in self-criticism.
 
Our brains, whether it feels like it or not, are always trying to protect us on some level. When we’ve dealt with high levels of criticism from others, especially as children, one way our minds can try to adapt and protect us from the painful emotions of being criticized is to decide that our main goal will be to simply not give anyone anything to criticize. In other words, our brains decide that in order to feel safe, we need to be perfect.
 
The only flaw with this logic, of course, is that no one in the history of humanity has ever been (or will ever be) perfect. Unfortunately, the deeper levels of our brains that make these safety-related decisions can’t really process logic — so they miss this important fact. This is also the reason that trying to let go of perfectionism can be so anxiety-inducing — our brains now interpret not being perfect as a threat to our very safety. Because this pattern usually comes from experiencing high levels of criticism as a child, it then becomes common to experience a high level of self-criticism, as our minds try to “keep us perfect” and protect us from the painful emotions of being criticized by others. In other words, self-criticism becomes one of our main tools for self-protection. Once again, we can see the brain’s lack of logic — we might not be getting criticized as much by others now, but we are constantly criticizing ourselves! Because self-criticism is under our own brain’s control, however, our mind usually interprets it as less threatening than the chance that someone else will criticize us unexpectedly. Human minds do not like uncertainty. To put it simply, our minds may have solved one problem (keeping us safe) but created another (the pain of living with self-criticism).
 
So, if perfectionism occurs to protect us from the emotions associated with being criticized, the real key to working through perfectionism is not to avoid criticism at all cost by attacking ourselves — it’s to get comfortable with these difficult emotions. If we know and feel that we can cope with the full range of human emotions, even the tough or unpleasant ones, our brains won’t feel like they need to protect us so fiercely by trying to be perfect. There are healthy ways of coping with emotions like shame, embarrassment, sadness, anger, or any other feelings that come up for us when we’re being criticized — and learning these new ways of approaching emotions will, in the long run, give us a greater sense of safety and security than trying to reach the impossible goal of perfection. Plus, bonus! — You get to keep those useful habits like diligence and determination, only without the harmful self-criticism — and that’s the real recipe for thriving when it comes to your goals AND your well-being.

by Liza Hinchey, LPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

While mental health is complex—and anxiety typically can’t be completely resolved through nutrition—it is also true that the brain chemicals (called neurotransmitters) that contribute to our moods must come from somewhere.

The foods we eat play important roles in producing the chemicals that contribute to a calm mind. Of course, treatments like counseling and / or medications are often essential aspects of healing from anxiety as well—and you should consult with your medical doctor before making any major dietary changes. That said, there are several nutrition strategies to consider if you’d like to reduce anxiety.
 
Make sure you’re eating enough. In some cases, feeling constantly stressed and anxious may be related to not eating enough throughout the day. Some of the other symptoms of not getting enough calories include:

• Low energy
• Cold hands and feet
• Trouble falling or staying asleep
• Low body temperature (below 97.8 first thing in the morning)
• Food cravings

 
If these symptoms sound familiar to you, you may want to talk to your medical doctor about whether you are eating enough!
 
Eat foods that may help counteract anxiety. In addition to simply getting enough to eat, there are certain foods that may help your body cope with stress and reduce your feelings of anxiety:

• Protein: Remember those neurotransmitters we talked about? Those are mostly made of protein! Whether you choose a diet with or without animal products, making sure you get enough protein is so important for mental health.

 

• Anti-inflammatory fats: Studies are showing increasing evidence that inflammation in the body may contribute to some mental health problems, including anxiety. Some foods that may help reduce inflammation include:

         * Almonds                * Avocados                   * Walnuts

• Fermented foods: Similarly, healthy levels of the “good bacteria” in your digestive system (called probiotics) have been linked to mental health benefits. To take advantage of this, try:

         * Yogurt                    * Miso                         * Sauerkraut
         * Kombucha             * Kimchi                      * Dark chocolate
 
When you’re working to improve your mental health, every aspect of your well-being counts. Alongside your counseling journey, making a few easy changes to your nutrition can help you feel better and get a few steps closer to a calmer, more balanced headspace. And, really, what’s better than therapist-prescribed chocolate?

by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Recently, I was talking to a friend of mine who is a new mom and it occurred to me that her experience, along with many women who gave birth in 2020, is unlike anything most of us moms have ever experienced.

The rollercoaster of emotions that she had to endure is unprecedented. She, of course, felt the normal excitement and concerns that come with praying for a healthy pregnancy, but she also experienced grief, loss, anger, and some self-pity. To become pregnant during the pandemic meant that she was not able to experience all of the small milestones with her husband by her side. That precious moment you hear the baby’s heartbeat or receive your first ultrasound was done alone, without her husband by her side. She wasn’t even sure if her husband would be allowed into the delivery room on the big day. 
 
There were also all the social milestones she never got to experience, such as being surrounded by her family and friends at her baby shower, opening up all the adorable baby gifts, or having her friends and family fuss over her growing belly.  Then, once the baby was born, she was at home, isolated because of a pandemic; fearful of what the baby might be exposed to out in the world. This isolation meant no mommy and me groups, strolls around the neighborhood, or visits with grandma and grandpa. What should have been a happy time became an anxiety ridden, sad, lonely experience.
 
All the uncertainty and lack of community created a loss that she has continued to struggle with. She experienced grief and loss, but also some guilt for feeling this uneasy when she had a beautiful baby girl at home. It’s easy for others to dismiss these feelings and put all the focus on the baby but it’s important to address them and understand that it’s normal and okay.  If this is something that you also have experienced, know that you’re not alone. Sharing your loss with a professional counselor and talking through your emotions without guilt or judgment, can help you move forward and focus on all the future joys that motherhood will bring.