Family Counseling

Family Challenges of Elder Caregiving

11/14/2022

by Kathy Cap, LLC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Families are complicated and when you are the sole person taking care of an aging parent, family relationships can become strained. In the beginning, when decisions are being made about who will be the primary caregiver of an aging parent and what that will look like, everyone is positive and committed to helping out. What often ends up happening is that the caregiver, defined as the one taking care of the day to day needs of the family member, becomes frustrated with the lack of support and often feels alone. In order to try and keep the family from discord, it’s important to remember a few things.

While it can be a blessing to spend precious time with your loved one, it’s also completely normal to feel anger and frustration, and then guilt about feeling angry and frustrated. These are all normal feelings and they don’t make you a bad person.

It’s impossible for the caregiving responsibilities to be divided equally. You might have siblings who live out of state or travel often for work, so it’s important for each family member to pitch in when and where they can. Try setting a schedule to decide who can drive to the doctor appointments, ask the sibling who lives out of state to contribute a bit more financially or help with paperwork, phone calls, etc. The more each person can contribute the more united the family will feel.

Communication is paramount and your family members are not mind readers, so they will not see your daily struggles and challenges. Schedule regular family meetings to check-in and communicate your struggles, together you can come up with some solutions to ease the stress. Remember it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help. If you need a break, tell them. A lot of your stress can be related to not getting enough time for yourself. Be clear about what you need.

Lastly, if you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and anxious, find a counselor you feel comfortable with and can talk to. Remember, you don’t’ have to go it alone, help is available.

Transitions for Aging Parents

10/17/2021

by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Caring for aging parents has become a reality for many of us.

While living independently is what most seniors hope for, there might come a time in their lives where that independence can become dangerous. Deciding to move our loved ones into assisted or independent living is never easy. Starting that conversation can be difficult and chances are you will experience some pushback. However, there are ways to gently help your loved one lean in to the possibility of taking that step. Leaving their home, along with a lifetime of memories, is never easy, so remember to convey empathy. It’s important to not approach this as if the decision has already been made.

Start by planting the seed. Your loved one will give you multiple reasons why they don’t want to leave their home, so listen carefully and validate what they’re feeling.

Do your research and take them on multiple tours. Many facilities are happy to show you around and even treat you to lunch. Finding the right fit where they feel comfortable is key.

Focus on the benefits of assisted living:

1)     Socialization: Activities from art classes, card clubs to happy hour are offered daily. They even have field trips to sporting events or the cider mill.

2)     Safety and security: There’s nothing like having peace of mind knowing that someone is available to assist you 24-hours a day.

3)     Care-free living: They no longer have to worry about lawn work or home repairs. Most places have laundry services and weekly housekeeping; all of this means more free time to enjoy fun activities.

4)     Healthy meals: A common complaint of seniors living alone is eating alone. They now can enjoy the company of others while dining on nutritious meals prepared for them.

5)     Transportation: Rides to doctor’s appointments or the grocery store.

Remember to be patient, one of their biggest concerns is that they will be forgotten, so reassuring them that they will still be part of life and their family’s important moments is key. With love, support, and empathy, the transition into the next chapter of your parent’s life can be a positive one.

Talking to a professional counselor can be helpful in processing the emotions that arise — for both yourself and your parent — in the face of this challenging scenario.

Boomerang Kids

8/3/2021

by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Having your adult child move back home because of a life transition is very common. It’s so common in fact, that there is a term for it, “Boomerang Kids”. Boomerang kids are adult children who move back to live with their parents after a period of independence. While this new living arrangement could be helpful, it is important to sit down and hash out what both parties’ expectations will be. Remember that this is not your young son or daughter moving back but — an adult. It’s important to respect each other’s thoughts and opinions, but ultimately you are the head of the household.

In order to avoid future conflict, here are three things to consider with your adult son / daughter:

1. Establish a Timeline
While this can be flexible, it is important to get an idea of how long they plan on staying, is it until they find a job or save up a certain amount money? Whatever the goal may be, it’s important to be clear. Of course, things can change but without setting a timeline there might be no motivation to leave.

2. Establish Ground Rules
Being clear on what is expected at home can make the difference between living in peace or in constant conflict. It’s important that your adult child understands that you are no longer responsible for all their needs. They are more than capable of washing their clothes, making a meal and cleaning up after themselves. Remember, that is not your job.

3. Pitching In
Once your adult child begins working, are they expected to pay some rent? And maybe pitch in with the groceries? Having them help in small ways financially not only helps you, but it also helps them become responsible with their money.

Having your adult child move back home isn’t necessarily a bad thing but — communication is key. Checking in with each other to see what is — or is not — working is very important. Mutual respect and an understanding of what is expected from everyone involved can go a long way in managing, and ultimately strengthening, your relationship with your adult son or daughter.

Can A Pandemic Bring About Positive Change?

10/5/2020

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

For all the challenging changes in our lives due to the Coronavirus, it presents some opportunities as well. How often did we used to say, “If only I had more time, I would...”? If I only had more time I would exercise regularly, connect with my kids more, talk to my spouse more, cook healthier meals, etc. Well, many of us have stopped having to commute to work and are working from home. I acknowledge that parents of school age kids find themselves with more on their plate than less. But for the rest of us, here we are with extra time in our day and more time for those ideal activities. How many of them have you started?

When it comes to connecting with our family members more, it is useful to first examine how we typically communicate with them. Do we listen and let them finish their thought before jumping in with our thoughts or solution? Do we ask questions to clarify their perspective so they know we are invested in truly hearing and understanding them before we begin speaking? People are drawn to relationships where they feel heard. Do you have any relationships where you wish they were seeking you a bit more? Perhaps it is worth evaluating your listening skills to see if there is room for improvement.

Another area that puts the disconnect in family dynamics is criticism. As parents, it is our role to instruct and prepare our children and teens to become independent, functioning members of society. Unfortunately, many parents see that as a license to criticize and correct all day long. Think about your best boss. They probably knew how to encourage your best work rather than criticize you repeatedly to get it. Again, evaluate yourself honestly in your relationships and listen to the words and tone you use. Would you feel encouraged or condemned? Are you sarcastic at their expense? We have the option to focus on critiquing the behavior we don’t want, or cast a positive vision for the behavior we do want. Instead of, “Your room is such a mess. No one will want to live with you when you leave this house.” You could try, “I would like you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket each night before bed please.” Instead of, “I’m sick of all your dishes on the counter”, you could say, “everyone is responsible for putting their dishes in the dishwasher”. Then mean it. If dishes aren’t going into the dishwasher, have a family conversation with respect and discuss the dilemma and how to solve it. You’re modeling best boss practices enlisting others to help solve the problem, so they have a desire to participate in the solution.

When you do see your family members doing something positive, mention it to them in words of affirmation or appreciation. “I noticed you took out the trash without being reminded. Way to go.” “I saw you working to finish your homework before playing video games yesterday. Nice job.” It is human instinct to repeat the behavior we are rewarded for. When people feel noticed and affirmed for positive contributions to the household, they want to do it more often. “Thanks for driving Johnny to soccer practice. It really helped me out.”

These are days we might never get back again! What if this time of staying home from public events and hanging out at the home front could be a time of improved communication, closer relationships and even more fun? There are games to be played, walks to be taken, conversations to begin, meals to make together that could all add up to sweeter connections than ever before.

Try A New Approach With Family This Holiday Season

12/21/2019

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Christmas cards mailed, check.

Christmas shopping completed, check.

Ready for family gatherings, hmmm?????

Maybe your holiday meal plays out like a Hallmark Christmas movie, but for most folks it does not. It can be nerve-racking to go where unresolved issues are hinted at with an air of tension. Maybe grief hangs heavy in the room due to recent loss or some parties are barely speaking to each other from last year. How do you enjoy time with family during the holidays and navigate the possible pitfalls?

Think about who will be there and what is going on in their world right now. Do they need extra patience and TLC given what they are dealing with? Is there someone needing a hug and a judgment-free zone around them? Be that person to provide it.

Do you have a family member who communicates with verbal jabs? Then don’t be surprised by it or better yet, steer clear. Head for the smiling face that looks genuinely happy to see you. Be that smiling face for other folks as they arrive.

Remember there are NO perfect families. But it doesn’t mean we have to settle for dysfunction served up with pie each year. What are you doing to extend acceptance to a relative with a different political perspective? Are you engaging the sullen teen who looks forgotten? Go a little deeper than the weather or sports in your conversations.

You might enjoy yourself more than you expected and help someone else enjoy it too.

How Does Family Counseling Work?

4/6/2019

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

All families struggle.

A child struggles with school and socializing with friends…

A parent struggles with keeping pressures at work from affecting their mood at home…

A teen struggles with social issues and may be experiencing anxiety or depression…

A family member struggles with substance abuse…

A family suffers the death of a loved one…

A family member suffers from a mental health diagnosis…

The ‘busy-ness’ of everyone’s schedules leaves family members feeling isolated and disconnected. And, the constant preoccupation with technology and social media has further eroded what was once time spent together and engaged in each other’s lives…

The list of challenges that today’s families face is endless, and the dysfunction and upset that they suffer as a result are real and often lasting.

You may wonder at some time in the history of your family—either the one you are raising, or the one you grew up in—if the challenges that you all struggle with could be helped with family counseling? But you also may not have any idea what that would look like, or if it would work?

For those of us in the counseling profession, family counseling is often the preferred approach to a multitude of presenting issues. Yet, the more typical circumstance is that the family will identify the ‘problem person,’ and then give everyone else in the family a ‘pass.’ The problem person is then brought into our office with a request for help.

However, the truth of the matter is that no challenge affecting an entire family is one person’s fault. Far from it, every member of the family system plays some role in the dynamic that perpetuates the problem(s).

The role of the family counselor can offer the family a remarkable

opportunity to navigate their differences in an entirely new manner than they likely have experienced before. Some important features of the family counseling setting include:

A safe atmosphere for discussion

The opportunity for EVERY family member to express their feelings and opinions about the issue
Immediate feedback from an objective third party to mediate escalating tensions and emotions
Dedicated time for the entire family to truly ‘hear’ and engage with each other
Education about how the family system works… or is not working
Opportunity to recognize alliances within the family that may be perpetuating the problem
Encouragement for each family member to take responsibility for their role in the problem
Guidance for collective problem-solving
Ongoing accountability to ensure lasting change within the family

There is no doubt, it IS a tall order to bring an entire family into counseling! The sheer logistics of finding a day and a time when everyone is available can be the biggest challenge. However, a collective belief that the family is worth the investment to improve relationships and enhance daily interactions can be the first step to healing long-standing wounds and misunderstandings with the people you love the very most in the world. You might even discover that you can actually enjoy each other in ways you never imagined before!

Is your family worth it?

Family Of Origin: We Don't Get To Choose

1/13/2019

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

We are born into a healthy, loving, committed marriage, or a chaotic, unstable, and dysfunctional relationship... or more likely, somewhere in between these extremes. The point is, we don’t get to choose.

Our family of origin experiences have an enormous impact on the trajectory of our lives.

Fathers teach sons how to love a woman and how to lead a family... or they don’t. Fathers teach daughters what they deserve from a man — love, respect, and partnership… or they don’t.

Mothers teach sons to recognize and honor the love of a woman; the importance of her voice of reason and her comfort... or they don’t. Mothers teach daughters how to love, respect and encourage a good and honorable man... or they don’t.

We take what we learn from these experiences into our future as we test the waters of our adult relationships. If we are able to recognize and admit that we are falling short, we often struggle to understand the role of those early influences.

The challenge is to recognize those early influences and to comprehend the impact they have had on our current choices; to be able to identify and choose a different course of action than might have been modeled by those whose behaviors initially influenced us.

The guidance of a caring mental health counselor can provide the safety and opportunity to explore the impact of the family we grew up with on our thoughts, values, and beliefs about ourselves as individuals and as partners.

Spring Cleaning

4/5/2015

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Folks have different types of reactions to the arrival of spring.

For some, it is entirely about the weather; warmer temperatures invite the first short sleeves and sandals. For others, it is simply about more daylight; more time for activities outdoors, a sense that the days actually are longer. For many, there is a burst of renewed energy for purging and cleaning; whether it is a thorough cleaning of the house, the yard, the garage, or the car. For almost everyone though, spring represents a time of renewal, a time for taking stock, a time to reassess priorities, goals, and plans.

Why not add taking a fresh look at your relationships too? With whom are you spending your time? A friend once said to me, “Life is too short to spend time with people you don’t enjoy.” So true. Think about those relationships that mean the most to you, and then consider whether you are really attending to, and engaging with, those you care most about it a manner that conveys that care? Or, could you be doing better? Are there other relationships that sap your energy? How might you best manage the changes needed in those interactions as well?

Spring time is the perfect time to commit yourself anew to the people that mean the most to you. You could begin today. Tell someone that you care about… that you do. And then, be sure and pay attention to what happens next!

Family Holidays: Havoc Or Harmony?

11/25/2013

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

The holidays can be a welcome break creating memories with family and friends.

They can also be stressful as we anticipate friction between family members. What is at the heart of this friction? Many of us try to meet everyone else’s holiday expectations, and we get frustrated when our own needs are not being met. Sometimes conflicts arise when a couple is pulled in different directions by their own family’s traditions. It could be the anticipation of rude behavior from a family member without a comfortable way to respond.

Each of these scenarios can lead to holiday aggravation for an individual or between spouses. Let me ask you a question… How often do we get upset because someone does not have the ability to read our mind? Is it surprising someone would ignore our wishes for their wishes, if we do not express our wishes out loud? When we do not express our needs, it is difficult for others to honor them.

Assertive communication is the style of communication that expresses what you think, want and feel in an honest and respectful way. When we state our needs in an assertive way, we can reduce our resentment of others who are not meeting our needs. If you want to communicate assertively, you will need to learn the skill of speaking with ‘I’ statements. ‘I’ statements give us a way to share what we are feeling in a non-attacking, non-blaming way. When we begin a conversation with “I feel”, there is a lower possibility of the other person becoming defensive as compared to beginning with, ”You never…..” or “You always….” People on the defense are less interested in hearing what we are trying to say, and communication breaks down. ‘I’ statements help us own our feelings which makes it more likely the other person will respond with care and empathy.

How to make an ‘I’ statement:

Say ‘l’ (instead of ‘you’)
Say what you feel (frustrated, hurt, ignored, stressed out, etc.)
State the event / situation that provoked your feelings
Say what you would have preferred to happen – what you would like to happen as an alternative to what did happen

Now, you have two sentences:
“I feel ___________ because ___________. I would like ___________.”

Instead of: “That’s ok, you don’t need to bring anything for Thanksgiving. I’ve got it all under control.”
Try: “I am feeling a little overloaded with all the preparations. Could you bring a side dish or a dessert?”

Instead of: “You always go to the Lions game on Thanksgiving Day and leave me to do all the work.”
Try: “I feel abandoned when you leave for the game all day. I would like some help on Wednesday night, so I can enjoy Thanksgiving Day too.”

Part of assertive communication is setting appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we put in place to increase the likelihood of healthy relationships. They are in essence the line we establish in our relationships that says, “This is how much time I have to give.” Or “This is how much of your rudeness I will endure.” When someone crosses our boundary line in the relationship, we can use assertive communication and ‘I’ statements to let them know how we are feeling; empowering ourselves to get our needs met. We are setting a boundary line when we say, “I feel stressed thinking about your dogs coming to my house for the holiday. I would like there to be another solution than bringing them to our house for Thanksgiving.” Instead of stewing all week about the rudeness of your niece for bringing her dogs, you set a boundary on what you can comfortably manage when you host Thanksgiving.

Give it a try this holiday. When you feel your temperature rising, step back and ask yourself, “What is going on to make my blood boil?” What needs of yours are not being met? What boundary line is being trespassed? Have you let the other person know how you feel; what your needs are in the situation? If not, then write down an ‘I’ statement, practice it on the dog, and give it a try. Be sure to listen closely to their response, because listening is an important part of assertive, respectful and successful communication.

Harmonious Holidays to you and yours!