It seems as though you are constantly butting heads with your teenage daughter. She wants to do the opposite of what you advise her to do. She may hide away in her room or prefer being out of the house versus home with you. How can you best love this precious daughter of yours who at times seems so unlovable? Riding out the rollercoaster of girl drama and fluctuating emotions is not for the faint of heart.
 
What does she really long for? Really, it is what any of us long for: to be known, understood, respected and loved unconditionally.
 
Parents tend to want to do a lot of ‘talking at’ instead of listening. It is hard to know someone unless you listen to what they are thinking, feeling and finding out what is important to them. What are they afraid of? What are they proud of? What are their hopes and dreams?
 
Understanding takes a lot of listening and asking good questions.
 
Listening without judgment and without overreacting helps her to feel safe. She needs to know she can talk about anything without being judged or criticized or worrying you.
 
Encouraging your daughter to have a voice is the way she can grow and mature and feel respected.  She needs to know that her opinions matter to you, that they are valuable and that you respect them, even though they may differ from yours. The development of her voice is one of the things that makes her feel confident.
 
Even if you feel you are doing all of the above, your daughter still may be keeping you at a distance. Often it is due to unresolved hurts or ongoing hurtful behaviors that you are unaware of. A few sessions with a professional counselor can be very helpful; someone who can listen objectively and  either encourage her to talk with you or invite you in on a family session.
 
The relationship is everything. If you don’t have that, you will have little influence in your daughter’s life. Learn what her love language is and express it to her.
 
It is worth every ounce of effort you put into it. Remember you are the parent. She is the “child”. She is just learning how to have a relationship in the midst of a lot of emotional turmoil that is all part of the growing up process.

by Kathy Cap, LLC, NCC​

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

There you are, looking down at your sweet little baby, counting their tiny fingers and toes.  Wrapped up in that tiny bundle are all of your hopes and dreams for their bright and happy future. You make a promise to love them unconditionally and protect them from harm. You have every intention of being the most loving, kind, and patient parent. However, even the most well-intentioned person can find themselves struggling.

Let's face it, not everyone is emotionally prepared for parenthood, and our past traumas can quickly sneak into our daily interactions with our children.  Maybe you were raised by parents who were very critical, easily angered, or not respectful of your feelings. You might have lived in a home where you were constantly compared to others, or the withholding of love and affection was a form of punishment. Your parents could have been very overprotective, anxious, or negative thinkers. These behaviors can have long-term effects, and can be unintentionally passed down to your kids.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You are not destined to become your parents. Seeking therapy can help you learn from your own past and break the negative cycle before it’s too late. Therapy is a great space to share your frustrations—and, trust me—there will be many, and to manage your expectations.  It’s a place to process your own emotions, fears, and hang-ups so they don’t become your children’s experiences as well.

Good and consistent parenting can be difficult. However, understanding your own triggers, learning how to set healthy boundaries, and how to communicate effectively can change the trajectory of the parent /child relationship and help them become well-adjusted adults.

It’s never too early to do this work. Just as premarital counseling helps you to understand your future partner better, pre-parental counseling can help you better understand your views on parenting and question the blueprint that has been passed down to you. Doing this work now will create a home environment where your children will feel safe, seen, and loved.

Children are a blessing. The assistance of a caring professional counselor with experience in parenting can go a long way in assuring that your child(ren) experience the very best version of who you are.