Parenting

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.  In addition to working with couples, parents, adolescents, teens and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.  In addition to working with couples, parents, adolescents, teens and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

​Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.  In addition to working with couples, parents, adolescents, teens and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

This is one of four articles in this series by Tonya:

• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Take Back Control With Effective Parenting
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Implementing Structure
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Maintaining Consistency
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Managing Expectations

Does your household feel out of control?
Are you screaming all the time?
Do you dread interacting with your kids?
Does every interaction end up in conflict?
Have you lost your direction as a parent?…. As a family?
Are you and your spouse at odds on parental decision-making?

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, then you likely feel as if you are living in a House of Chaos. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can take back control of your family and your life by implementing consistent parenting skills in your home.

So, here’s my disclaimer: I am not re-inventing the wheel here. There is no revolutionary new information just out from the latest research; no secret magic formula for me to share with you. What I am going to share is information that has been around for a long time. Information that I believe is often misunderstood, forgotten, or lost amidst our busy, and yes—chaotic—efforts to manage a family.

There are a lot of forces working against us as parents today. There is peer influence, poor examples of family life in the homes of our kids’ friends, movies, television, video games, social media, the internet, advertising, and the instant gratification that comes from the ability to communicate with anyone at any time via texting. However, the most profound force working against us today is the decline in the moral fiber of society that encourages our kids to be self-centered, self-indulgent, and focused on what they can get or take from others, rather than what they can offer or give to others.

The truth is—being a parent is hard work. And being a good parent is A LOT of hard work. It is a demanding 24-hour-a-day / 7-days-a-week role that allows for no vacation; that is—no psychological vacation. Effective parenting requires unwavering commitment, diligence and perseverance, and the ability to find energy when you don’t think you have any left. It requires placing the needs of others before your own routinely. Parenting efforts often go unacknowledged and unappreciated, and much of the time, can feel like an absolutely thankless job.

BUT—the effort is worth it! When you are giving of yourself, your time, your love, and your guidance, and you begin to witness that your efforts are working effectively toward the positive development of another human being—it is the most rewarding feeling that exists for a parent of a child of any age.

The catch here is that our children are not passive clumps of clay just waiting to acquiesce to our guidance and direction! In fact, they are often working in complete opposition to our efforts! And therein lies the foundation of our feeling as a parent of being overwhelmed, confused, frustrated, angry, and out-of-control.

Unfortunately, too many parents give in to these feelings and simply give up trying to regain control of their kids or their sanity. And that is often the moment in the life of their family when they end up in a therapist’s office… asking someone else to “fix” their kids!

Not only am I a Licensed Professional Counselor but I am also a parent. My husband and I have launched five adult children from a blended family of his, mine and ours. My ideas and suggestions for effective parenting are collected from many of my own experiences over the past 30+ years. I believe that implementing structure, maintaining consistency and managing expectations combine to form what I like to call, the Three Pillars of Effective Parenting. These principles apply to children of all ages. However, the younger the child, the easier these principles are to implement the first time. These parenting principles require thought, effort, teamwork and commitment from both parents—and in the case of a divorce—parents in two different homes.

In my private counseling practice, I focus my efforts on educating and empowering parents to take back control of their household by implementing these basic techniques of effective parenting. Making these types of changes will not occur overnight. Sustained change takes time and practice.

A family counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you be an effective parent by eliminating the chaos in your house.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

This is one of four articles in this series by Tonya:

• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Take Back Control With Effective Parenting
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Implementing Structure
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Maintaining Consistency
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Managing Expectations

In my previous article, Surviving in a House of Chaos: Take Back Control with Effective Parenting, I identified implementing structure, maintaining consistency and managing expectations as the three pillars of effective parenting. In this article, I would like to address the concept of implementing structure in greater detail.

Structure is defined as something arranged in a definite pattern of organization. Simply stated, structure within a family is a routine of activities that is predictable. Children of every age thrive with structure in their lives because predictability reduces anxiety. If we are honest, we must admit that often times a lack of structure in our adult lives creates much of our own anxiety. So, is it not reasonable to conclude that a lack of predictability in our child’s life would also lead to anxiety? And, contribute to the challenge of coping with the demands placed on them by parents and teachers? By providing structure we can reduce our child’s anxiety, and as a result, reduce their need to rebel, act out, or withdrawal.

Providing structure does require organization skills. A parent who flies by the seat of their own pants may find the task of implementing structure in their child’s life quite overwhelming. A steadfast dose of commitment will be necessary to create some order in a chaotic household. A calendar or master planner, creating “to do” lists, and keeping track of the influx of information coming into the home are just a few of the ways a parent can begin to create some structure for themselves—and in turn, their child(ren). One simple example of structure for younger children is having a set time for waking and going to bed EVERY DAY—even on weekends. Additionally, doing things in the same order, as much as possible, provides predictability for children. For example: dinner / homework / bath / brush teeth / story and prayer / bedtime.

Another example of structure that applies to kids of all ages is adherence to regular meal times. This is a tough one because for many families, every day of the week is a bit different. That’s okay too if, for example, everyone knows that Sunday dinner is non-negotiable. Post a schedule of everyone’s activities on the refrigerator, a bulletin board, or a white board where everyone in the family can see it. The schedule should include homework time and play time—including outdoor and indoor activities such as computer games. If a schedule change must be made, make it as far in advance as possible, and intentionally inform everyone involved of the change. Also, provide opportunities for organizing everyone’s belongings; this includes clothing, backpacks, school supplies, sports equipment, etc.

All of this structure doesn’t mean that you can’t occasionally throw out the schedule and do something spontaneous and fun with your family. Absolutely do that! But make that the exception, and watch how enthusiastically they will respond to something “special.” Please Note: children—especially teens—will deny that they want or need structure; in fact, they will fight against your efforts to impose it. However, this is a parent’s job. Remember, the kids don’t call the shots!

A family counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you be an effective parent by identifying ways to maintain structure in your family routines.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

This is one of four articles in this series by Tonya:

• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Take Back Control With Effective Parenting
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Implementing Structure
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Maintaining Consistency
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Managing Expectations

Implementing structure, maintaining consistency and managing expectations were identified as the three pillars of effective parenting in my previous article Surviving in a House of Chaos: Take Back Control with Effective Parenting. In this article, I would like to address the task of maintaining consistency in greater detail.

The second pillar of effective parenting is consistency and is defined as doing things the same way each time—and—over time. In terms of parenting—THIS is the # 1 area where most parents falter. Making exceptions to the rules or to consequences repeatedly dilutes your authority, and teaches your child that you will eventually give in. From a behavioral point of view this parental behavior actually reinforces the child’s resistance to your authority. This is actually a classic example of intermittent reinforcement. If a parent says “no” and then eventually changes their mind under pressure, what the child learns is that begging works (!). Therefore, they will beg even more next time. When we see a child who is resisting “no” for an answer from a parent, we often say, “That child is spoiled.” However, what we should really say is, “That child’s poor behavior has been intermittently reinforced!”

Family life is overwhelmingly busy as we make our way through work, school, sports and extracurricular activity schedules, meals homework, household chores and extended family commitments. Amidst all of this chaos, consistency is comforting to a child, who can often feel that so much of his world is out of his control. When your requirements of your child change from day to day, he is unable to ever be certain of what you expect. Unclear requirements from parents result in frustration, and frustration undermines the child’s desire to comply. Inconsistent messages from parents cause the child to constantly question the fairness of their authority. For example: “Why do I have to clean my room today when it wasn’t required of me last week?”

Additionally, they may not admit it to you, but kids do understand different sets of parameters for their siblings based on age, responsibility level and privilege—they just don’t like it! With that in mind, consistency must extend to all the children in the family; tempered by each child’s age and level of maturity. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for arguments of injustice and unfairness among siblings.

Lastly, don’t confuse consistency with rigidity; tactics need to change as the child matures. It makes sense to recognize each child’s maturation and advancement to a new level of trust and responsibility, while also honoring your child’s need for parental consistency.

A family counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you be an effective parent by identifying ways to maintain consistency in your parenting approach.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

This is one of four articles in this series by Tonya:

• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Take Back Control With Effective Parenting
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Implementing Structure
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Maintaining Consistency
• Surviving in a House of Chaos: Managing Expectations

As I wrap up this series of articles on effective parenting, I would like to focus on the concept of managing expectations: your child’s and your own. An expectation is defined as a sense of knowing about something that is going to happen. Managing your child’s expectations will go a long way toward avoiding those meltdowns that result from your child simply not knowing what to expect.

In my counseling practice, time constraints are the #1 reason that parents offer for not doing a better job on this task of effective parenting. Managing expectations requires taking the time to explain and discuss repeatedly with your child what he can expect before an event or activity, and the consequence he can expect if he is unable to comply with the behavior that is required.

For example, if you are taking a child to a wedding, don’t just tell them about the party and the dancing. Clearly explain that there is a church service first, at which they will need to sit quietly for a period of time; there will be a meal at which they will also be required to sit for a period of time and use good manners. Identify what type of behavior you expect throughout the event, and also what you will do if your child is unable to comply.

Providing this type of information allows the child to feel some sense of power or control over his situation, instead of pleading, “I didn’t know!” And yes, this might mean that you need to leave the event early to follow through with your responsibility as a parent. Once again, effective parenting requires diligence, perseverance and routinely placing the needs of your child before your own.

This type of dialogue with your child takes a lot of patience, and is often overlooked in today’s busy households. It is—quite simply—easier not to take the time to do this! However, taking the time to prepare your child for events and activities and what your expectations are for their behavior directly supports those important bonds of trust and security. AND, if something unexpected does happen, your child knows that you are surprised too—NOT that you were deceiving them.

Example: Our middle school daughter had a HUGE school project due on a Monday after an equally HUGE sleepover party that had been planned for weeks. We clearly told her that if the project wasn’t totally completed before the party—she would not be attending. Well, you guessed it—the project wasn’t completed. She begged and pleaded to still go to the party—even “volunteering” to be grounded the next weekend! But we held fast to our consequence and she missed the party. We felt awful. She had looked forward to the party for weeks and was teased by her friends for missing it….. But I can also share—that type of incident never happened with her again.

With teens, managing expectations is critically important. Let your teen know exactly what you expect about curfew, where they are, when you expect to hear from them, etc., and exactly what will happen if they break the rules. Remember: spending time with friends, sleepovers, parties, shopping, having spending money, driving a car, the use of a cell phone, a tablet, a computer and internet access, are all privileges—not rights. And privileges can be taken away—and should be taken away—when a teen has not demonstrated the appropriate respect for your authority as their parent.

A very simple example of this trifecta of skills in action follows:

Parent: “Ok, I know you want to play this video game, and I want you to have some fun and relaxation after being in school all day. So, you may play the game for one hour, and then you’ll need to do your reading for one hour. If you don’t do your reading today, then there will be no video gaming tomorrow.”

In this example the parent has demonstrated the three pillars of effective parenting:

1) Provided structure (how long the child may do both activities)
2) Conveyed consistency (if this works today, you may play tomorrow)
3) Managed expectations:

• The parent’s – by stating the expectation that the child will do his reading
• The child’s – by stating the appropriate consequence for non-compliance

The often overwhelming challenge of parenting in today’s society is not for the faint of heart. The ability to implement structure, maintain consistency and manage your child’s, as well as your own, expectations requires the greatest commitment to another human being that we face in our lifetime. It’s a job worth doing well, as we consider the enormity of the task bestowed upon us when we are blessed with the gift of a child in our lives.

A family counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you be an effective parent by identifying ways to manage expectations (your own and your child's).

by Dave Papandrea, LLC, NCC

Dave Papandrea is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Dave’s personal counseling philosophy is that he is a traveler on YOUR journey.  He believes YOU are the expert of you, and that the power of change is already within you.  It is his goal to walk with you on your journey to wellness, allowing you to lead at your own pace, hoping to point out items in your blind spots along the way.

​Places of worship are frequently solemn environments for adults to gather, and contemplate / celebrate their relationships with the Almighty.  Worship services are established with the adult believer in mind, and great effort is made to bring glory to God in each service ritual.  Sometimes in our attempts to glorify God and bear witness to adult worshipers, the greatest of church resources are overlooked.  Witnessing to young families with small children is vitally important to churches, and providing a Godly experience -from birth to young adulthood- is at the core of many family values.
 
Sadly, young families experience high levels of stress and anxiety while trying to attend church services, modeling what it means to be faithful to the most impressionable congregates…our children.  The unfair expectation placed upon parents with children who are too young to attend formation, threatens the devotion of the faithful.  For the survival of our places of worship, and for the spiritual health of the devoted, below are ways parents and churches can survive this trip in lifespan development.
 
Allow for Movement and Exploration
Children are naturally active, energetic, and incredibly curious.  Homes have toys, play areas, jungle-gyms, and elaborate set-ups that allow children to explore their own boundaries with movement. Very seldom does child’s play involve stillness. Moreover, a child’s lack of movement at this developmental stage would signal concern in experts. Knowing that children need motion, it begs the question, why would we expect an hour of stillness?  In fact, children who need rapid changes of scenery can be looked upon as highly intelligent.  Intelligent children often rapidly process the environment surrounding them, and then are ready to absorb new information provided by a change of venue. In fact, the faster your child becomes restless or bored could be an indication of intelligence by how quickly they process the visual stimuli around them.  This is not a demonstration of a child that cannot behave. This is a demonstration of curiosity, and a rapidly processing toddler.  
 
What Parents Can Do:  Consider leaving your seat in the church to walk around the perimeter, allowing your child to fully absorb and explore the prayer space.  Enjoy the art that hangs, statues, relics, or stained glass with fun shapes and colors.  Every inch of space explored will keep children engaged.  Develop the understanding and maintain the frame of mind that you are introducing your child to the wonders of spirituality, and you are providing them with a sense of ownership inside of their worship space.
 
Know that Crying is Expressing
Children who do not have words express themselves through sounds, and non-verbal cues like facial expressions.  Our inclination is to remove or silence our babies when their cries, or joyful screams, echo throughout sanctuary space.  It can be even more mortifying if our babies hear their echo, and then happily exercise their vocal abilities!  And then there are the frustrated cries of toddlers who have absorbed all that they can in the space they are in.  Like movement, toddlers and babies are supposed to make noise.  If a two-year-old attends an adult service, not making a sound, sitting idly while an adult message is delivered, this may demonstrate a deviation to developmental norms.  Like activity, sounds are normal for healthy developing little humans.
 
What Parents Can Do:  Keep a mantra prepared when you feel like all of the church is looking at -and judging- you when your toddler sounds off in the middle of a sacred prayer.  “This is normal AND healthy for my developing child,” could be cognitively recited to drown out the negative thoughts. Further, remind yourself that you hold in your arms the future of your church community.  That joyful scream or exhausted cry is the sound of hope and vitality for your community.  Redirection is a great way to win back a frustrated toddler who is exercising their rights to express their feelings on the matter.  Visiting an area where they can be boisterous, and returning to your seat during songs is a great strategy as well.  Lastly, remember that the majority of the established members of the church have been where you are.  You are not the first person whose child sang out at an inopportune moment.  God willing you also will not be the last either.
 
Change the Lens… This is YOUR Future and Survival
Looking around at Sunday you may notice that in ten years that same service would look drastically different.  This is especially true if we made our youngest members feel any other way than loved and accepted exactly as they are.  Church populations have decreased with each generation.  Many people report being faithful but not religious.  Churches are even seeing fewer marriages today as compared to twenty and thirty years ago.  
 
There are many initiatives in churches that focus on the family.  Creating a psychologically protective space for worshipers with children ensures that, at a minimum, we do not reject our future when they do what comes natural during human development.  Changing the lens from which we view an “unruly” toddler is essential for a struggling parent.  In that moment we should control our non-verbal response from one of scorn for the disruption, to one of appreciation and hope, and provide normalization that the struggle for parents is real.  Provide struggling parents with empathy and the compassion of Christ, by recalling the time that you were a parent of a toddler or baby that sang out of turn -and tune-.  Provide disclosure of that memory for the parent who appears forlorn or embarrassed so that they do not feel alone.
 
Supporting parents with empathy, disclosure, normalization, and controlling our non-verbal responses to show love and patience, are all ways of encouraging parents with young children to attend and remain active members of church communities.  This sense of belonging is essential to the survival of our communities, and raising young disciples who will one day take our places in the pews as the faithful.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Abraham Maslow was an American Psychologist who created the five-level pyramid which explains the basic needs that must be met to reach the highest level of fulfillment and contentment in life. At the bottom of the pyramid is:
 
Level One: Physiological Needs – food, water, warmth, rest, clothing, and shelter.
Level Two: Safety Needs – Personal security, emotional and physical safe spaces, control, and routine.
Level Three: Belonging and Love Needs – Friendship, intimacy, family, community, healthy relationships.
Level Four: Esteem Needs – Independence, confidence, freedom, status, dignity, (self) respect, recognition.
Level Five: Self-Actualization– Achieving one’s full potential, including creative activities, living in sync with one’s values and beliefs.
 
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs plays an important part in understanding our key role as parents. Think of a child that is acting out and his basic physiological needs have not been met in terms of good sleep or nutrition. How is he going to have the ability to reason and cooperate in the family?
 
When a child lives in a home that is verbally abusive, are they regularly fearful of the harshness of their parent? If a child does not feel they are accepted, loved, or listened to, it will affect their self-image and ability to form healthy relationships. If a child does not receive affirmation and dignity, it impacts their ability to accomplish developmental milestones in school and other pursuits.  If a child is discouraged from pursuing their own values, strengths, and dreams, it will thwart their ability in setting goals and achieving them.
 
We, as parents, must consider the importance of offering our child our best efforts in meeting each level of their needs. It is easier to let a child stay up late and eat sugary foods, but there is a price to pay for it later. What are some basic physiological needs that might be getting overlooked, but could be an easy place to begin helping your child thrive?
 
When a child is disciplined, do they feel safe in spite of being in trouble? Is it emotionally safe to communicate problems or ask for help on problem solving with parents?
 
In addition, instilling security with a predictable routine is important to a child. When they are uncertain which day they are going to dad’s house or who is picking them up from school, it creates anxiety and a lack of security in their world.

Our kids need to know they are loved every day with a hug, a compliment or being included in the family dynamic at dinner. They learn their value in the world from their parents first. The child who feels accepted being themselves at home is also comfortable making new friends and working cooperatively at school. Every person is worthy of respect and the opportunity to develop a healthy self-esteem. Yet when kids get frustrated, many parents criticize and insult who they are as a person, rather than addressing the problem at hand. We need to nurture their confidence by giving them independence to make decisions, make mistakes, and encourage them to try again.
 
Our role is not to beat the flaws out of our kids, it is to show them the way through encouragement, affirmation and increasing freedoms. When they have matured and are ready to explore their path in life, self-actualization, hopefully they are fulfilled and content because they feel secure, loved, confident and able to pursue their own dreams. No parent is perfect at all of these skills, however it is worth considering the impact a parent can make on their child and their future by attending to each level along the way.
 
Interestingly, Abraham Maslow grew up poor in Brooklyn as the oldest of seven children from Russian immigrant parents. His basic needs for food and shelter were less than optimal, his neighborhood was dangerous, his mother was cold and unloving, he regularly lifted weights to make his slim build more masculine and his parents did not value his desire to pursue education. You could say that few of his key needs were met on the Hierarchy of Needs to develop, and he understood the impact of it.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP​

It seems as though you are constantly butting heads with your teenage daughter. She wants to do the opposite of what you advise her to do. She may hide away in her room or prefer being out of the house versus home with you. How can you best love this precious daughter of yours who at times seems so unlovable? Riding out the rollercoaster of girl drama and fluctuating emotions is not for the faint of heart.
 
What does she really long for? Really, it is what any of us long for: to be known, understood, respected and loved unconditionally.
 
Parents tend to want to do a lot of ‘talking at’ instead of listening. It is hard to know someone unless you listen to what they are thinking, feeling and finding out what is important to them. What are they afraid of? What are they proud of? What are their hopes and dreams?
 
Understanding takes a lot of listening and asking good questions.
 
Listening without judgment and without overreacting helps her to feel safe. She needs to know she can talk about anything without being judged or criticized or worrying you.
 
Encouraging your daughter to have a voice is the way she can grow and mature and feel respected.  She needs to know that her opinions matter to you, that they are valuable and that you respect them, even though they may differ from yours. The development of her voice is one of the things that makes her feel confident.
 
Even if you feel you are doing all of the above, your daughter still may be keeping you at a distance. Often it is due to unresolved hurts or ongoing hurtful behaviors that you are unaware of. A few sessions with a professional counselor can be very helpful; someone who can listen objectively and  either encourage her to talk with you or invite you in on a family session.
 
The relationship is everything. If you don’t have that, you will have little influence in your daughter’s life. Learn what her love language is and express it to her.
 
It is worth every ounce of effort you put into it. Remember you are the parent. She is the “child”. She is just learning how to have a relationship in the midst of a lot of emotional turmoil that is all part of the growing up process.

by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

So often, parents arrive in my office complaining of a lack of direction, and of feeling disrespected by their children.

Overwhelmed with schedules and logistics, many of these parents are experiencing a far deeper loss. A loss born of not really knowing their kids… Not knowing what they love? What they dream? What makes them tick?  They’ve lost the connection that can only exist from spending time with and engaging in their children’s lives. They’re missing the experience of each of their children as unique and dynamic individuals.

With time, these parents often admit to being too busy, too distracted, or too overworked. To ease their own guilt, they have convinced themselves that dropping their kids off at their practice, game, or lesson is encouraging their independence. I would argue that the real message these kids receive is that mom or dad simply aren’t interested--or don’t care—about what they are doing or involved in.

Kids will protest your presence (because it’s definitely NOT COOL to be excited that mom is sitting in the bleachers!), but don’t for a minute convince yourself that they don’t need or want you there! Far from being “on the sidelines,” you will actually have a “front row seat” to your child’s engagement with their world. There is rich and powerful information to glean from witnessing your child’s beaming pride of accomplishment—or their agony in defeat.

But - only if you’re there.

So, slow down, re-prioritize, and choose to just be there.

A professional counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you get past feeling too busy and too distracted and show you how to be present for your child.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center.. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

As I reflect on life with my Dad, who recently lost his battle with cancer, I have been thinking about what memories last, and how they impact a child.

I grew up comfortably, but that is not what shapes my memories of my Dad.  I remember when he got down on the floor to wrestle with me and my brother, played a game after dinner, or danced around the kitchen with me when we were supposed to be washing the dishes.  I remember being greeted by his big smile after work when he was thrilled to see me.  I remember him leaving work to watch me play field hockey. I was proud he and my mom wanted to be there.

The memories that stand out are about feeling important in his eyes.  He poured value into me and made me feel that I was wonderful to be with.  It wasn’t connected to my grades, my athletic ability or my appearance.  He just loved me for me.

Now it is my turn to give my kids the gift of feeling loved and important.  Sometimes this means listening when I need to work or accepting and encouraging them instead of “improving” them.  Sometimes it means being silly just for fun.  I want them to know what matters to them matters to me.  They won’t remember our square footage or if the house was spotless, but moments of love, acceptance and play will shape their memories and feelings of self-worth.

A professional counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you with parenting techniques to share the gift of feeling loved and important with your children.