Loving Your Teenage Girl Well

Parenting

There are a lot of forces working against us as parents today. There is peer influence, poor examples of family life in the homes of our kids’ friends, movies, television, video games, social media, the internet, advertising, and the instant gratification that comes from the ability to communicate with anyone at any time via texting. The decline in the moral fiber of our society further encourages our kids to be self-centered, self-indulgent, and focused on what they can get or take from others, rather than what they can offer or give to others.

The truth is - BEING A PARENT IS HARD WORK. And being a good parent is A LOT of hard work. Effective parenting requires placing the needs of others before your own, unwavering commitment, perseverance, and teamwork—which, often times, is NOT a given between the parents. Our parenting efforts often go unacknowledged and unappreciated, and much of the time, can feel like an absolutely thankless job.

You know your child best. But resistance and animosity from your child can cloud your objectivity, and limit your ability to sort out the appropriate course of action as a parent. Perspective and guidance from an experienced counselor can go a long way toward improving those skills we all thought would come naturally when we were blessed with a child in our lives.

Loving Your Teenage Girl Well

3/13/2023

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

It seems as though you are constantly butting heads with your teenage daughter. She wants to do the opposite of what you advise her to do. She may hide away in her room or prefer being out of the house versus home with you. How can you best love this precious daughter of yours who at times seems so unlovable? Riding out the rollercoaster of girl drama and fluctuating emotions is not for the faint of heart.

What does she really long for? Really, it is what any of us long for: to be known, understood, respected and loved unconditionally.

Parents tend to want to do a lot of ‘talking at’ instead of listening. It is hard to know someone unless you listen to what they are thinking, feeling and finding out what is important to them. What are they afraid of? What are they proud of? What are their hopes and dreams?

Understanding takes a lot of listening and asking good questions.

Listening without judgment and without overreacting helps her to feel safe. She needs to know she can talk about anything without being judged or criticized or worrying you.

Encouraging your daughter to have a voice is the way she can grow and mature and feel respected. She needs to know that her opinions matter to you, that they are valuable and that you respect them, even though they may differ from yours. The development of her voice is one of the things that makes her feel confident.

Even if you feel you are doing all of the above, your daughter still may be keeping you at a distance. Often it is due to unresolved hurts or ongoing hurtful behaviors that you are unaware of. A few sessions with a professional counselor can be very helpful; someone who can listen objectively and either encourage her to talk with you or invite you in on a family session.

The relationship is everything. If you don’t have that, you will have little influence in your daughter’s life. Learn what her love language is and express it to her.

It is worth every ounce of effort you put into it. Remember you are the parent. She is the “child”. She is just learning how to have a relationship in the midst of a lot of emotional turmoil that is all part of the growing up process.