ADHD Counseling

Connecting the Dots After an ADHD Diagnosis

5/16/2022

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many adults are diagnosed with ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, later in life; often at the time of their child’s diagnosis. As a parent learns about their child’s ADHD, they begin to see similar symptoms within themselves. With the diagnosis can come a sense of relief; a way of understanding themselves and a way of explaining the nagging sense of underachievement they have carried throughout their lives.

As a child, you may have been told that you were smart but just needed to try harder.

Little did your teachers and your parents know that if you could have tried harder, you would have. Who wants to fail or disappoint their parents or teachers? The truth is you were doing your best.

As a child you may have been yelled at for always having a messy room or not following through with what you parents asked of you. The ADHD brain struggles with organization and can be forgetful. You may have never heard your parents’ requests because you were so hyper focused on your favorite TV show. You are now beginning to see that your gift of hyperfocus can work to your advantage when you are engaged with something you love to do!

You may have struggled socially. You were known as the one who talked too much, too loud and at the wrong times. Impulsivity, as you discover now, can be so much a part of the ADHD brain.

College was such a struggle as you never learned the organizational skills necessary for success. There was little motivation for those subjects that were boring to you. What a relief to find out that you are not stupid or lazy, but just lacking the ability to focus, plan and look ahead so that those research papers got turned in on time.

As an adult there has been a sense of frustration in not being able to get done as much as others. You may be drowning in the clutter of your home, unable to come up for air.

The truth that hopefully rises to the surface and drowns out the lies of ADHD, is that you are an intelligent, gifted and capable person who lacked the focus and motivation needed to produce the grades or promotions that should have happened.

The good news is that no matter how old you are when you receive a diagnosis, you can get the help you need. Medication has been a life changer for many. Coaching and ADHD Counseling help fill in those gaps that were missed along the way and can bring about the necessary changes that will allow you to become all you were meant to be.

A Parent’s Desperate Cry for HELP! The ADHD Connection to Missing Homework Assignments

3/23/2021

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

A desperate parent, baffled by the discovery that their teen has 25 missing school assignments, will call me, pleading for help. The parent is devastated to discover their teen has been lying about the schoolwork, always reporting that it’s caught up. By this time the teen may be exhibiting signs of depression and anxiety.

This is such a common scenario with teens who have undiagnosed ADHD. Why?

Students may do well in elementary school, but middle school and high school bring new challenges; changing classes in middle school and the increased difficulty of high school assignments, may cause them to begin to fall apart and fall behind. Once they get behind, things begin to snowball. Some students may give up entirely and just stop making any effort at all. There is guilt then shame from the lying. They feel like a failure. Depression sets in.

ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological condition that can present as hyperactivity, inattention or both. It affects the executive function aspect of the brain which includes attention, memory, self-control, following directions, organization, planning, follow-through; many of the things necessary for academic success. In addition, these students have an interest-based ability to focus. In other words, it is extremely difficult to focus on the things they do not find interesting or that are difficult. Those 25 missing assignments could be in math, if the student finds math difficult and uninteresting. Add to this mix an impulsive nature and need for excitement, they may already be seeking more stimulating experiences such as drugs, alcohol or sex. These things also offer some temporary relief from the pain of failure and shame.

The worst thing a parent can do at this point is to punish or demean or to say that if only they would try harder, have more discipline, etc. Parents, why would your teen want to fail? There is a reason if ADHD is in operation.

There may be other things that you as a parent have been battling at home in addition to the schoolwork. A messy room, constant video games, frustration that there is little follow-through in what you have asked them to do. The relationship is probably strained from all the nagging about homework and other problems at home. Your teen has already got the message that he is a disappointment, that he is lazy and that there is something wrong with him. He may be isolating in his room, fearful that whenever he emerges there will be more nagging, yelling and questions about why things aren’t getting done. It is a vicious cycle. As a parent, you are exhausted and desperate for some solutions. ADHD is an invisible disability. Your teen looks “normal,” but so few will understand the struggles. This is what makes the journey even more difficult and frustrating.

The first step is an evaluation by a mental health professional who specializes in ADD-ADHD. Medication can be extremely helpful. A combination of the right medication, education about how the ADHD brain is wired, and coaching to help develop healthy habits of sleep, exercise, organizational skills and study habits can help your teen move into a more successful school experience, better image of himself and a better relationship with you.

A final note to you as a parent: the relationship with your teen is what is most important. If you have no relationship, the bond that you both desire is missing. If you have yelled and said things like, “you are so lazy” or, “if you would just try harder or have more discipline,” please apologize and ask how your words have affected your teen. Humbly admit that you do not understand the source of his struggle but you are willing to learn more about ADHD. That will be the start of healing in your relationship and will help your teen do the necessary work of understanding himself and learning to develop the necessary skills for success.

Why Can't You Ever Be On Time?

10/31/2020

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

We all know someone in our lives who is always late and often still either dressing or finishing breakfast when they arrive. Just being with these people makes us feel anxious because we can only imagine what life must be like for them; running from one thing to the next, never feeling put together because of their seeming inability to gauge time.

When that person is your spouse it is extremely hurtful. You have to remind them over and over about what time they must arrive at a particular place. And when they come rushing in late again, you wonder what is wrong. If they loved you, they would make sure they were on time. If they cared about their children’s recital or being on time for a family event, why wouldn’t they make more of an effort? As a spouse you become frustrated beyond measure; believing that this person must not care, or worse yet does not love you. Why would someone who loves you hurt you and continually disappoint you? Trust is broken when someone promised to be on time and then breaks their promise.

If this person has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), there is a good explanation (not excuse) for their continual tardiness.

ADHD affects the executive function aspect of the brain, which is the ability to organize thoughts and activities, prioritize tasks, plan, manage time efficiently, pay attention to and remember details and control emotional responses.

These are some of the ways the executive function deficits play out in time management for the individual with ADHD:

The brain tends to move toward whatever is most interesting at the time so you can get “lost” in the moment, not thinking ahead to that promised time of arrival. It can easily go into “hyper focus” mode that keeps you focused on the current activity rather that looking ahead to where you should be going.
When plans are made your ADHD brain thinks more in generalities and not in details. If you are going to a wedding you may remember the time and day but not take into account the time needed to take a shower, polish your shoes and iron your clothes, not to mention rush hour traffic that was not considered. You underestimate the amount of time it takes to get ready.
The ADHD brain tends toward procrastination. Until there is a sense of urgency, it is difficult to get started.
ADHD tends to make you impatient and so you avoid boredom. Getting anywhere early and having to wait may make you feel bored.
Since planning ahead is not one of your strengths, thinking about what needs to be done before you leave doesn’t occur until you begin to feel the stress of being late.

The good news is that there are many ways to help yourself. The first one is to recognize the problem and the devastating effects it has on other people. Our smart phones were designed for the ADHD brain! With all the alarms and reminders there is no excuse for you to be late anymore.

A counselor who understands ADHD can help you establish new habits and systems that will lead to a more ordered, and peaceful life.

I'll Get To That Tomorrow...

3/12/2016

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Putting off the difficult things is something we all do. For some, it is a regular cycle of defeat and shame, negatively affecting relationships, work, finances, physical and mental health. “Lazy” or “incompetent” are labels often attached to procrastinators. So why do some continue in such destructive behavior?

For many with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), procrastination is the go-to M.O. The brain is stimulated when it is interested, under the pressure of a deadline or facing the threat of a major consequence. The mundane things of life like paperwork or cleaning are the kinds of tasks the ADHD brain tends to want to “put off” to do something more stimulating. ADHD and procrastination tend to go hand in hand. It is important to understand the “why” but never use it as an excuse. Medication helps with motivation but isn’t a miraculous cure. Lifelong habits need an aggressive and intentional approach.

The key is: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

SET A TIMER – Just 10 minutes allows you to begin tackling that boring pile of paperwork.

MOMENTUM – Doing the next thing propels you forward. Making that first call gives you the momentum to go on to the next.

ACCOUNTABILITY – Text an accountability partner when you are going to start a difficult project and then text when you are finished.

HAVE FUN – Challenge yourself by beating your last record for minutes taken to empty the dishwasher.

START SOMEWHERE! An ADHD counselor or coach may be just what you need to succeed.

"Just Try Harder"

1/23/2016

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Is this something you remember hearing as a kid? Or maybe it was, “Why can’t you be more organized like your sister?” “Pay attention” is probably another one you may have heard. You may remember feeling “not good enough.” A voice inside says you should be doing more. You should BE more. The majority of the time you just feel overwhelmed with all there is to do and you can never get on top of it. Trying harder never helps.

Those who have some form of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD/ADHD) often identify with these memories. They may also struggle with making careless mistakes, sustaining attention for things that do not hold their interest and finishing projects. Forgetfulness, distraction and procrastination are problems that affect not only the individual but their work, family and other relationships. Some live with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for not living up to their full potential. They often believe some of the things they heard in the past from parents and teachers about being lazy or not trying hard enough. The guilt and shame often lead to depression.

Many people struggle with some of the above on occasion, but if you find these things to be problems on a regular basis, and they are interfering with your work, relationships, or how you feel about yourself, I strongly encourage you to talk with an ADHD counselor who understands. Don’t continue to struggle when there is help. You were designed for something more!