by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ​ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

We all have a couple of annoying persons in our lives who tend to interrupt; not just occasionally but habitually. It can be hard to get a thought out without their jumping in and flooding the conversation with their ideas. They don’t seem to care about what you are saying. You feel so unheard and disrespected.  In frustration, you may even, at times, wonder if the relationship is worth the hurt?
 
You might just write these people off as being rude and self-focused.  But before you do that, ask yourself: Could there be something else going on that you don’t understand? They may not even realize they interrupt or maybe they know it is a problem and seem unable to change.  People with ADHD may have this tendency to interrupt. But why?
 
Challenges with impulsivity and self-regulation can be a few of the symptoms someone with ADHD may experience. A thought comes into your brain and before you know it, the thought goes out of your mouth. Your brain is going faster than the conversation, so you jump in. Fast talking can cause us to cut others off.
 
Struggle with focus and attention and working memory are common problems with those who have ADHD. These also contribute to this problem of interrupting. You need to share something NOW before you forget. Something distracts you; you lose track of the conversation then come in with something totally unrelated. The speaker may be going into too much detail, and either you are distracted and cannot follow or it is getting boring. The ADHD brain tends to always be looking for something exciting.
 
What can be done if you are the one who has offended others through your tendency to interrupt?
 

1. Be mindful of the problem.  Understand how it affects others.
2.  With people you know and trust, explain that your interruptions are a result of your ADHD brain and that you are mindful of the problem and are working on it. 
3. Become more aware of when you tend to interrupt. Perhaps have a loved one give you a signal.
4.  When you need to have an important conversation, find an environment that will not be distracting. 
5. Try fidgeting with something like a paperclip or rubber band with your hands while having a conversation.  This can help you focus better.
6.  During an important conversation for work or with a loved one, take notes. This will remind you not only that it is your time to listen but will help you remember what was said so that you can respond accordingly.
7. Get rid of excess energy through exercise.  Doing so can increase focus and decrease hyperactivity and impulsivity (2 culprits to a mind that interrupts).
8.  Commit to being fully present in conversations. Use affirming body language like nodding and maintaining eye contact.  Avoid multitasking. If you are listening to a significant other, try holding their hand while they talk. Watch the speaker’s face for signs that they have finished a point. 
9. To avoid hurts, encourage the speaker to continue after you notice you interrupted (“I am sorry I interrupted you, please continue telling me about…”); ask specific questions about what they were talking about).
10.  When the urge to interrupt comes, count to 10 and think about whether the interruption would be helpful. 
11. If the conversation is getting heated and you find yourself getting very emotional, try taking a break to calm down.
12.  Asking “may I interrupt?” makes others feel you are being respectful and gives them the option of asking you to wait until they have finished. 
13. When you do interrupt, apologize.
14.  Learn the art of being curious about the other. Ask good questions that allow the speaker to go deeper Don’t think about what you want to say while someone is still talking with you. 

For those who have been frustrated with someone who interrupts, extend grace. There is always a reason why people behave the way they do. Assuming the best is helpful. For those who struggle with interrupting, there is hope that you can change.  It starts with being aware of the problem and understanding how this affects someone else, and then taking conscious steps to correct it.
 
It is helpful to talk with a professional ADHD counselor who understands ADHD who can share additional tools to help not only with interrupting, but perhaps with other symptoms of ADHD that are interrupting the good flow in your relationships.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ​ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Often starting a task, especially if it is perceived to be boring or tedious can seem impossible for someone who has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.) ADHD can be described as an interest based cognitive wiring which means if the individual finds a particular task interesting, it is more easily started and finished. If a boring task is started, it is more likely to be finished if there is a deadline or if incompletion will produce undesirable consequences.
 
Let’s say you have to tackle a tedious job like bill paying or homework. Instead of starting, you find yourself distracted by doing anything but that dreaded task: getting a snack, scrolling on social media, playing with the dog, or just about anything but the task at hand. Something called “body doubling” could be the solution.
 
You will want to find a “body double” or someone who will just sit quietly in the room with you. This person offers a type of passive accountability. Could be a spouse, roommate or parent. Their presence will be a reminder of what your task is and will keep you from becoming too distracted. You would want this person to refrain from engaging in conversation so they would be working quietly on something of their own. A parent body double helping a child get homework done would provide the “brakes” that keep distractions at bay.
 
This technique has proven effective for many. There is no scientific explanation, but it could be that the distracted person somehow feels responsible to the body double. The body double could also be a calming influence on the distracted person with an overactive mind and body.
 
Tasks that are mindless like laundry could more easily be accomplished with a body double with whom you can carry on a conversation. The ADHD brain is always looking for stimulation so if it is stimulated while doing the mindless task, all the better.
 
So, what if you live alone? You can find a virtual community of people also looking for this type of accountability. Check out these websites: www.BodyDoubling.com or www.ThinkDivergent.com.
 
Body Doubling may not be for everyone but it could be just the thing that can really make a difference in tackling those dreaded tasks. Try it and see.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ​ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You are concerned about your college student.

He doesn’t seem to be engaged with school; not talking about his classes. You know he has early classes but based on his lack of response to your text messages, you are sensing he is sleeping in instead. The first semester seemed to go okay; although still, you feel he is underachieving. How is a parent to understand an adult child who seems to have so much potential yet seemingly is wasting his time and your money?
 
Many college students with ADHD “fall apart” when they go off to college. Why?
 
If they are taking medication, they may not be taking it consistently. They may have never learned the skills needed to do school, skating by without even studying much in high school. They are on their own; without anyone waking them up to make it to those early classes or checking in to see how the homework is going. People with ADHD have extreme difficulty regulating their sleep. Because they cannot shut down their very active brains, they stay up late and are unable to wake up early. The planning, organization and follow through required to work on long term projects and assignments can be extremely challenging.
 
These students may start off with good intentions but if they see no purpose in their studies, or are lacking interest, they will easily just give up. Things begin to pile up and overwhelm takes over, leading to inaction and then shame.  The shame keeps them from reaching out for help and so avoidance seems to be the easy solution.
 
What is the answer to all of this heartache?
 
It is helpful to understand how the ADHD brain is wired; what are its strengths and weaknesses.  A counselor who understands ADHD can help with understanding what went wrong and find specific areas to work on with the student. Some students can benefit greatly from career counseling. Finding a clear sense of direction and passion for studies is what will be helpful for the student to persist, not only in school but in life.
 
A “failed” school year can be a blessing in disguise if it results in a clearer understanding of the role ADHD has played, what went wrong and how to make the necessary changes for success. One semester need not define the rest of life.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many adults are diagnosed with ADHD, or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, later in life; often at the time of their child’s diagnosis. As a parent learns about their child’s ADHD, they begin to see similar symptoms within themselves.   With the diagnosis can come a sense of relief; a way of understanding themselves and a way of explaining the nagging sense of underachievement they have carried throughout their lives.
 
As a child, you may have been told that you were smart but just needed to try harder.
 
Little did your teachers and your parents know that if you could have tried harder, you would have. Who wants to fail or disappoint their parents or teachers? The truth is you were doing your best.
 
As a child you may have been yelled at for always having a messy room or not following through with what you parents asked of you. The ADHD brain struggles with organization and can be forgetful. You may have never heard your parents’ requests because you were so hyper focused on your favorite TV show. You are now beginning to see that your gift of hyperfocus can work to your advantage when you are engaged with something you love to do!
 
You may have struggled socially. You were known as the one who talked too much, too loud and at the wrong times. Impulsivity, as you discover now, can be so much a part of the ADHD brain.
 
College was such a struggle as you never learned the organizational skills necessary for success. There was little motivation for those subjects that were boring to you. What a relief to find out that you are not stupid or lazy, but just lacking the ability to focus, plan and look ahead so that those research papers got turned in on time.
 
As an adult there has been a sense of frustration in not being able to get done as much as others. You may be drowning in the clutter of your home, unable to come up for air.
 
The truth that hopefully rises to the surface and drowns out the lies of ADHD, is that you are an intelligent, gifted and capable person who lacked the focus and motivation needed to produce the grades or promotions that should have happened.
 
The good news is that no matter how old you are when you receive a diagnosis, you can get the help you need. Medication has been a life changer for many. Coaching and ADHD Counseling help fill in those gaps that were missed along the way and can bring about the necessary changes that will allow you to become all you were meant to be.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

​by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

​by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You continue to battle the fog with every additional cup of coffee but it never seems to disappear.

​You flit from one thing to the next, without accomplishing much.  There are missed appointments, lost items, sticky notes everywhere reminding you to do things that you have little motivation to do. Your home is such a disorganized mess that an unexpected visitor would bring panic and shame. Your spouse is constantly upset and irritated that you don’t get anything done while he is away at work. He doesn’t understand that drawing and music are the things that bring you joy so you focus there rather than on the mundane tasks of running a household.  More shame.

There is a nagging sense that you were meant for something more; you have somehow greatly underachieved. You are weary; feeling like a failure. You wonder why others accomplish so much more. All of this leaves you anxious and depressed.
 
You have been seeing a counselor for your depression and anxiety. As you share your symptoms, the counselor wonders if you know anything about ADHD. You identify with the symptoms and the more you read and learn the more you realize that this has been your life.
 
There is an “aha” moment of discovery that feels like such relief.

Finally, you can begin to make sense of your lifelong struggles, shame and guilt. You begin to realize maybe you really aren’t stupid and how your difficulty with focus and organization may have been the cause of your poor grades.  Perhaps that “lazy” label your parents and teachers attached to you really isn’t true as you learn more about how your brain is wired and how it is lacking in those neurotransmitters that are related to focus and motivation.

Maybe this isn’t a moral problem (“you need to try harder and have more discipline”) but a neurological problem. There is great relief in this new way of thinking about yourself. Maybe you are not really a scatterbrain. Perhaps you don’t have to be the person who is always late, always interrupting and talking incessantly. The thought that perhaps you could actually get things done is so wonderful!
 
You try medication and in some miraculous way the fog is lifted. You can think clearly. You have motivation. You have arrived at least to the starting line with everyone else.
 
But there is a sadness, a grief over what could have been. What if I you had understood the ADHD while you were in school, maybe you could have achieved more, gone to college, had a better job?  What would it have been like to accomplish what you intended and to actually plan ahead? Could you have kept those friends who left because you never reciprocated?  What would life have been like if your home was well-organized, your children didn’t have to share in the shame of missed appointments or field trip permission slips not turned in? What books have you missed reading and what have you not learned simply because you didn’t have sustained focus?
 
Perhaps you, the reader can in some way identify with this story. A professional counselor can help. If you have ADHD/ADD medication alone is not enough to make changes. Coaching and counseling together with medication can bring about amazing changes so that the grief can pass and a new life emerge. There is hope for you to be all you were intended to be!

An ADD-ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify and make the changes necessary to bring some order and peace to your life.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Navigating the world of friendship begins to feel more overwhelming as our children reach middle school. If your child has ADHD, the journey is even more complicated. Symptoms of ADHD like fidgeting, impulsivity, and distractibility, are not friendly companions to a middle school conversation.

These are symptoms that are not easily controlled. The ability to listen without interrupting may be hindered by the distracted ADHD mind that is going in many different directions. Good conversational skills include a give and take rhythm and the ability to stay on topic.  If a child talks too much without listening, interrupts others, or is not paying attention, they can be viewed as not caring, selfish or rude.
 
What’s a parent to do? It is heartbreaking to have your child report that he is feeling left out of former circles of friends. Invite another child over for an activity; perhaps one who is a bit younger so that they are social equals. Observe from afar the interactions so that you can see what might be going wrong. Role play other ways the interactions could have gone.
 
Children need to know that social skills take time to learn and must be practiced. We are all growing in our ability to communicate, resolve differences and initiate with new people. Your job as a parent is to model healthy friendships, observe your child’s interactions with others, coach, reward progress made, and if necessary, consult with a professional counselor who understands ADHD.

An ADD-ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you find ways to nurture your child's social skill development so that they make and keep friends.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

How can a child who is so full of life, energy, fun and creativity cause you, as his parent, to feel so exhausted, frustrated and angry? A child with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) can bring both delight and despair.

The incessant talking, constant movement and inability to settle down at night to sleep can be exhausting. He may have a laser focus on what he loves to do, but the struggle to complete homework may be a battle you are tired of fighting. Even when the homework gets done, it is often forgotten under his bed or left in his backpack. You know his grades do not reflect his ability. You are weary of hearing things like, “Johnny is underachieving. If only he tried harder,” from his teachers.
​
You probably have felt criticized by other parents who hint at things like, “if he only had more discipline.” Your frustration goes beyond words.  His room is a disaster. You are angry when after you tell him to clean it, he surfaces hours later all excited about the new Lego robot he just created (which really is AMAZING). Nagging isn’t working. Your child is not disobedient. He really doesn’t hear you at times and is easily distracted.

Parenting a child with ADHD does not have to be an exhausting, frustrating, and lonely journey. There is help. You may want to start with an ADHD counselor who understands your child’s unique wiring and can help him — and you — achieve success.

An ADD-ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you understand how to help your child focus to stay on task and be successful at home and school.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Just getting out of bed is a challenge for many with ADHD.

One person reported, “I have to set a total of 11 alarms over 3 different apps along with a physical alarm clock across the room to wake up.”  Getting into bed at night can be just as challenging.  There is always one more thing to do, one more episode on Netflix, a few more minutes on Facebook.  Many ADHD brains come alive at night which is a problem if you have an early morning! Once in bed, the body may be exhausted but the mind is still very alert.

Executive function skills such as planning, prioritizing, organization, managing time and paying attention are often compromised. The day begins with frustration and shame for getting up late, AGAIN. Gauging the amount of time needed for each task required to get out the door is difficult. Finding keys, clothes, making lunch, keeping focused on the next task without getting distracted takes great effort. Starting off the day by running late and feeling overwhelmed with the unending to-do list leads to stress, low self-esteem and depression.  Over time, the shame and sense of failure overshadow an individual’s ability to see their tremendous strengths.

As an ADHD counselor, I can offer you hope! Let’s figure out how your brain is uniquely wired. Let’s look at your strengths and tackle those areas that are causing you problems. Let’s break that cycle of frustration and shame!

An ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify and overcome signs the challenges that ADHD puts in your way of being successful each day.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Some of the symptoms are:

• Shifting from task to task without finishing anything
• Makes careless mistakes
• Often loses things
• Forgetfulness
• Difficulty with organization
• Doesn’t listen when spoken to
• Procrastination
• Easily distracted
• Avoids tasks that require sustained mental effort

If your child struggles with several of these symptoms, seek the help of an ADHD/ADD counselor. Left untreated, ADD can result in underachievement, failed relationships, depression and low self-esteem.

An ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you evaluate whether your child has Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder or Inattentive ADD.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ​ADHD-CCSP

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Life is never dull with a spouse who has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). There is always something new to do, to buy, to try. Projects always seem to get started but not completed. Impulse spending can be a nightmare. He can be the life of the party, but once back home, the frustration can begin. Often, it feels like he isn’t listening; his mind seems to be focused on something other than what you are saying.

Ask for his attention, “Could you please turn the TV off and put away your phone so we can talk?”  Make eye contact. Hold hands. A hand on his shoulder can break his hyper focus. His seeming inattentiveness toward you is not because he doesn’t love you, but because he cannot shut down or slow down his thoughts very easily. When he says, “You never told me that”, he really means it. He didn’t hear you because you didn’t have his undivided attention.

Interruptions in a conversation feel very disrespectful. Impulsivity and ADHD walk hand-in hand. An agreed upon signal given when he begins to interrupt can prevent anger, frustration and hurt. ADHD is not an excuse for bad behavior. However, gaining an understanding of ADHD can go a long way in making necessary changes to such behavior.

This is a snapshot of what life can look like with ADHD. The best thing you can do together is educate yourselves about it so you know what you are dealing with. Communicate your frustrations and needs and come up with creative ways to problem solve. If necessary, talk with an ADHD counselor.

An ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can work with you to get your ADHD partner's attention and prevent the anger, frustration and hurt of being ignored.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Putting off the difficult things is something we all do. For some, it is a regular cycle of defeat and shame, negatively affecting relationships, work, finances, physical and mental health. “Lazy” or “incompetent” are labels often attached to procrastinators. So why do some continue in such destructive behavior?

For many with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), procrastination is the go-to M.O. The brain is stimulated when it is interested, under the pressure of a deadline or facing the threat of a major consequence. The mundane things of life like paperwork or cleaning are the kinds of tasks the ADHD brain tends to want to “put off” to do something more stimulating. ADHD and procrastination tend to go hand in hand. It is important to understand the “why” but never use it as an excuse. Medication helps with motivation but isn’t a miraculous cure. Lifelong habits need an aggressive and intentional approach.

The key is: DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

• SET A TIMER – Just 10 minutes allows you to begin tackling that boring pile of paperwork.

• MOMENTUM – Doing the next thing propels you forward. Making that first call gives you the momentum to go on to the next.

• ACCOUNTABILITY – Text an accountability partner when you are going to start a difficult project and then text when you are finished.

• HAVE FUN – Challenge yourself by beating your last record for minutes taken to empty the dishwasher.

• START SOMEWHERE! An ADHD ​counselor or coach may be just what you need to succeed.

An ADD-ADHD coach or counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn techniques to beat the shameful cycle of ADD-ADHD.

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

Is this something you remember hearing as a kid? Or maybe it was, “Why can’t you be more organized like your sister?” “Pay attention” is probably another one you may have heard. You may remember feeling “not good enough.” A voice inside says you should be doing more. You should BE more. The majority of the time you just feel overwhelmed with all there is to do and you can never get on top of it. Trying harder never helps.

Those who have some form of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADD/ADHD) often identify with these memories. They may also struggle with making careless mistakes, sustaining attention for things that do not hold their interest and finishing projects. Forgetfulness, distraction and procrastination are problems that affect not only the individual but their work, family and other relationships. Some live with a tremendous amount of guilt and shame for not living up to their full potential. They often believe some of the things they heard in the past from parents and teachers about being lazy or not trying hard enough. The guilt and shame often lead to depression.

Many people struggle with some of the above on occasion, but if you find these things to be problems on a regular basis, and they are interfering with your work, relationships, or how you feel about yourself, I strongly encourage you to talk with an ADHD counselor who understands. Don’t continue to struggle when there is help. You were designed for something more!

An ADD-ADHD counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you deal with the forgetfulness, distraction, procrastination, and other problems that plague you.