Step Mothering: Entering the World of Another Woman’s Child

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

You’ve fallen in love with a man who is a father.

In fact, his devotion to his child is one of the things you love the most about him. He is so kind and loving, and everything you imagined you wanted in a man who will (hopefully) someday father your own children. Although you could have never imagined acquiring ‘ready-made’ kids before meeting him—here you are! Your relationship has now turned serious, you are discussing marriage, and he assures you that his child is crazy about you! He tells you—and you want to believe—that everything will work out just great. 
 
But there is just one glaring fact that cannot be denied: he has an ex-wife, an extensive history and relationship with the mother of his child, and a realistic need to co-parent with her for years to come.
 
Daunting? You bet.
Uncertainty about your role with his child? Absolutely.
No clear direction on how to navigate a relationship with a child not your own? Obviously.
 
Let’s be honest here—until things got this serious, you were focused on your relationship with HIM. Your family and some well-intentioned friends may have commented on the possibility of challenges in your future role as a stepmother, but he continues to assure you there is nothing to worry about.
 
In an ideal world, the child’s mother would welcome another adult to love her child and help with the parenting. But it is not an ideal world. The child’s mother will more than likely be guarded at best—and insecure, resentful, critical, and overprotective at worst.
 
In my experience as a counselor working with divorcing and newly blended families, I have observed that not many couples going through divorce can realistically imagine a future with their ex-spouse remarried and their child(ren) having other parents! Everyone is in uncharted territory.
 
Let’s assume that you really do genuinely like his child, and once married, you begin to feel a stronger draw to a parenting role. How might you begin to nurture and love another woman’s child, without falling into the more common pitfalls of stepparenting?
 
Here are a few suggestions…
 

1. Discuss with the child’s father and decide together the parameters—and the limits—of your role.
For example, what do you want the child to call you? Do not pressure or coerce the child to call you any version of “mom.” Let the child decide, and if it’s “hey, you” for a while—let that be okay.
 
 

2. Do not overstep.
You are NOT the child’s parent. The biggest mistake most stepparents make is assuming a parental role with a child that is still adjusting to the enormous changes that have been thrust upon him. The child is naturally going to prefer their biological parents for a LONG TIME. Save the expression of hurt feelings and insecurities for adult moments with your spouse. Comprehend and accept that you will likely be perceived as an intruder to the child for some time to come.
 

3. Agree that dad establishes the rules and takes the lead on behavioral issues and consequences. 
After all, until you came on the scene, dad was the sole parent in his home. Be sure you clearly understand and can honor his decisions. If he has been lax on rules before your arrival, let that be okay too. Over time, you can decide together the primary tenets of behavior and consequences that you’ll need to establish now that you are a part of the family. Above all, don’t rush to take control and rule the roost! That is a sure way to not only create conflict with the child—but with your new spouse as well.
 

4. DO NOT DISPARAGE THEIR MOTHER.
No matter how upset or angry you may feel toward the child’s mother—do not disparage her. Whether you like it or not—SHE is the mother. Your respect for her and support of her child’s feelings for her will go a long way in your relationship with her child in the years to come.
 
Children remember when someone criticizes or disparages their parent. YOU do not want to be that person. It is not your role to point out that she is being unreasonable or that her rules are too strict, too lax, or too… anything. Children of divorce are able to understand that different households have different rules. You cannot control anything about what happens at her house. So, best to focus on your own home.
 
Don’t behave as if the child does not have another home and another family. Ask questions of interest and support for their activities and relationships with their mother and her family. Statements of enthusiasm for all aspects of their life—not just the one they share with you—serve to strengthen bonds and encourage emotional safety for the child. For example: “Wow, sounds like you had a blast at Grandma and Grandpa’s cabin last weekend! What was your favorite thing that you did while you were there?!” [And remember, no matter the answer—your negative commentary, judgment, or critique is never warranted.]
 

5. Present a united front. Never let the child witness arguments about them between you and their father! 
Try as much as possible to leave conflict issues about the child and attempts at negotiation to the biological parents. He may not be handling her the way you think he should, and you’ll need to be okay with that too. It is not up to you how he handles his ex-wife. If he asks your advice—give it cautiously; acknowledging that it is just your opinion and that the ultimate decision about what to do is his alone.
 

6. Remain the adult, and allow the child to be a child.
Your stepchild does not have a responsibility to comfort you, reassure you, or coddle you in your new role! Be the bigger person and rise to the occasion. Find an understanding adult to listen and support your feelings as you navigate the inevitable uncertainties and insecurities of your new role.  
 
Lastly, I ask you to remember that this is a long game; a marathon—not a sprint. The consistency and commitment that you honor in the early years with your stepchild will pay rewards… someday. My own experience with a stepson took years of not always getting it right and lots of hits and misses. However, on his father and I’s 25th wedding anniversary he stood to speak. He thanked us for showing him what a committed loving marriage looked like, and he closed by saying, “Through the years I’ve realized that the thing that we share is that we BOTH love my dad.” The operative phrase there is, “…through the years…” I became this young man’s stepmother when he was 2 years old. He was 27 when he made these remarks.
 
The ability to love and nurture another woman’s child is an incredibly challenging task. Respecting and supporting the child’s relationship with their biological mother is one of the healthiest things you can do for your stepchild. In doing so, you may well establish the foundation of a relationship dynamic for you and your stepchild like no other you will ever experience.

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