Part-Time Fathering: The Odd Dad Out

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Trinity Family Counseling Center offers services to individuals, couples, and families of all walks of faith. Our team of experienced counseling professionals is skilled across a wide range of client problems and issues. Each one of us has a heart for providing support, guidance, and education relevant to our client’s needs in a safe and private atmosphere.

When you become a father for the first time, you most likely have an idyllic vision of what the future will hold. After all, the desire to raise a family together is the central theme of many marriages. This vision of fathering is likely a reflection of what you experienced — or did not experience — as a child yourself. And, certainly, that vision does not include the possibility of divorce and part-time parenting of your child(ren).
 
Words like “disillusionment”, “despair”, and “loss” don’t come close to actually describing the feelings that come from the decision to divorce and transition to some type of co-parenting arrangement. An arrangement that requires your child(ren) to be separated from each parent for significant portions of their lives.
 
Enter a new man in mom’s life. A man who becomes first a friend to your kids, and later, a stepfather. New family dynamics develop, and mom is excited and relieved to have a new parenting partner.
 
And here is where you can often begin to feel like the odd dad out.
 

• Another man is coaching your son’s baseball team…
• Your child(ren)’s friends view their stepfather as their “dad” …
• Stepdad is the one who teaches your daughter how to ride a bike… or drive a car…
• You begin to experience jealousy and envy as you witness your child(ren) grow in their relationship with their stepfather. While you understand — intellectually — that your child’s well-being is related to being loved and cared for by all the adults in his / her life, it is still very, VERY HARD.

 
Perhaps the stepdad is more lenient in his home; working hard to be a “buddy” to your son or daughter. This may result in the kids being more resistant or rebellious in your home. Feelings of resentment can quickly arise, as YOU have the thankless duty of actually disciplining and setting limits with your kids. A task for which the stepfather is often not held accountable; that is their mother’s role in his home.
 
You may witness your ex-wife making different parenting decisions with her new husband than she made with you. She is now consulting with your child(ren)’s stepfather on important issues, and following up with you in what may seem like an afterthought, often conveying that a decision has already been made. It may feel as though you are just being “informed” after the fact.
 
After some time in this new scenario, the anxiety and worry about all this change may eventually provoke new insight. Your feelings of envy, jealousy, and resentment may be followed by an “a-ha” moment, when you acknowledge that all of this isn’t about YOU. It’s about your kids.
 
 
What is best for my son or daughter??

• Should I just lay back and follow the mother and stepfather’s lead?
• If I see things I disagree with, should I voice my opinion?
• How hard should I fight for experiences that I want to have with my kids, when I feel like I’m competing with their stepfather?
• Should I challenge or disagree with guidance or advice that the stepfather has given my child?

 
As a counselor who works with these types of blended family dynamics, here are a few things I want you — as your child(ren)’s father — to understand.
 
Your feelings are normal and to be expected. That idyllic vision you had of fathering has been shattered. It takes time to adjust to the idea that your child(ren)’s lives have expanded to include events and activities in which you have no involvement. And, their lives are now being influenced by people with whom YOU have no direct relationship.
 
Children have an innate need for connection with their biological parents. Trust in this fact. Your son or daughter’s new stepfather may appear to be an exciting and novel relationship for them, but it DOES NOT replace their need for you in their lives. While they may grow to love their stepfather, that doesn’t mean their love for you diminishes in any way. 
 
Lastly, how YOU respond to your child’s new world will impact your future relationship with your son or daughter more than anything their stepfather will ever say or do.
 
You will likely have a much better relationship with your child(ren)’s mother if you aren’t viewed as competing with or attempting to undermine her new husband’s role with your child(ren). Additionally, supporting his role with your kids can ease their angst from confusion and guilt over their feelings for him.
 
Here’s the thing — the kids are ALWAYS watching. You may not realize how astutely they are paying attention to the dynamics occurring in both homes, with all their parents, and across a range of experiences. Tempting as it may be at times — DO NOT disparage their mother or their stepfather. Trust that your generosity of spirit is observed. Know that someday, whether as a teenager, a young adult, or maybe not until they become a parent themselves, your son or daughter will know the character of who was there for them, who was consistent, respectful, and trustworthy. And wouldn’t it be amazing if they were fortunate enough to have had TWO terrific men in their lives who respected one another’s roles and didn’t compete for their affection?
 
Sons often emulate their fathers, and daughters often seek a mate much like their father. Your role in how they experience their respective blended family experiences is critical. The task becomes staying true to who you are, so their experience of you is consistent, reliable, and safe.
 
No child can have too many positive adult role models! And, if by chance, the other adults in your child(ren)’s life FAIL to rise to this standard, then make sure that YOU are the one they know who did!
 
Seeking the support of a caring counselor who works with blended families can go a long way in working through some of these feelings and achieving a deeper understanding of your role in your child(ren)’s lives.

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