What is Important to Say When a Loved One is Dying?

by Shelley Kruszewski, LLC

Shelley Kruszewski is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice and is the newest member of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team.  She has graduated with her Master’s Degree in Counseling from Oakland University.  In addition to her individual case load at Trinity, Shelley also serves as a co-facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group.

Well-chosen words can be powerful tools for emotional well-being for us and our families. However, have you ever thought about what is helpful to say to someone that is dying? According to Dr. Ira Byock, a renowned palliative care physician and author of the book, The Four Things That Matter Most, there can be comfort and healing by using these four simple phrases:

1. Please forgive me
2. I forgive you
3. Thank you
4. I love you

 
It’s not necessarily the words that matter, but the sentiments behind the words that brings healing.  If you are doing it with good intentions, it is a safe discussion to have. No relationship is perfect, and saying these things can give you and your loved one the opportunity to feel complete.
 
To “ask for” and “offer” forgiveness acknowledges we make mistakes.  It’s not about forgetting; it means getting rid of the emotional baggage. Since grief can become more complicated when things are left unsaid, forgiveness is not just for the dying, but becomes a pathway to healing for ourselves.
 
Saying “thank you” and “I love you” might be stating the obvious, but there is a lot of weight in having someone hear it.   Some people are reluctant to say the words because they believe their dying loved one already knows how much they are loved and appreciated.  Dr. Byock’s response to that is, “Good, then it will be real easy for you to say it!”
 
There are also four lessons we should consider as we face death:
 
Lesson #1- Human beings are imperfect. 
Don’t beat yourself up, nor inflict people with guilt at end of life.  Cultivate feelings of worthiness and acceptance.  Have mercy.
 
Lesson #2 – The things that matter most are not things—they are other people!
Our busy calendar will fall away quickly when you or someone is ill.  Our connection to people is the primal source of meaning.
 
Lesson #3- Because humans are imperfect, relationships tend to be imperfect.
Some of the wounds we carry may reopen, especially if they are deep.  Mortality makes it urgent for us to deal with these imperfect relationships while we still have the chance.
 
 
Lesson #4 – Healing is possible.
Dr. Byock was surprised himself to see how quickly people got it together when the dying process brought a sense of urgency.  He has observed over and over again that when there is nothing left unsaid, simply being in the presence of your loved one takes on a sense of joy.  This is even possible in cases of dementia or unconsciousness.
 
What if your loved one has already died? Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. Dr. Byock says there is still a therapeutic benefit in using "the four things” for healing. A skilled grief counselor can help in navigating through that process.
 
The more you talk and think about dying, the better you tend to live. Do not be fearful of saying the four things that matter most.  Be authentic and say them with good intentions. Do it without an expectation that you will receive anything in return.  And by the way, the life changing benefits of saying the four things that matter most do not need wait until the end of life; say them now to your loved ones!
 
“Our mortality will teach us a lot about life if we let it.”
                                                                   ~ Ira Byock, MD
 
 
 
 
For more information regarding Dr. Ira Byock and his inspirational book, please visit:
http://www.irabyock.org
https://irabyock.org/books/the-four-things-that-matter-most

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