Grief and Loss

The Realities of Caregiving a Loved One

4/8/2024

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A grief counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can guide you through the journey of caregiving for a loved one and help you manage the overwhelming responsibility of this difficult task.

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

In my role as a grief counselor, I meet people every day for whom caregiving has been their primary role prior to their loved one’s death. For some it has been a few days or weeks; for others the role of care provider has become their identity after months — or even years — of caring for an elderly parent, an ailing spouse, or a child with a serious illness.

Nothing prepares a person for this role. It can come about slowly over time as the result of a serious diagnosis, or in an instant following a tragic accident or medical event. The recognition that any one of us could someday need to step up to the role of providing care for a loved one is always present, yet simply impossible to imagine before it happens.

While it would be ideal if a ‘village’ of people could share the tasks of caregiving; this is often not a realistic possibility for many families. If the loved one is not hospitalized, the need for around-the-clock presence of a care provider often falls on a single individual.

There are many aspects of the role of caregiving that will be required as the care recipient’s condition declines toward death.

Hands-On Physical Care
Sick people need help moving and engaging in activities of daily living. Weakness, pain, injury, and cognitive changes impact the body in a wide range of significant ways. These include the loss of ambulation, loss of control of bodily processes (digestion, elimination, etc.), and often, the inability to communicate their needs effectively. Caregivers often need to interpret and anticipate their loved one’s needs on a moment-to-moment basis. The situation requires — almost by default — that the same person be available day in and day out, otherwise the patient’s needs are inconsistently understood and met.

Many long-term illnesses involve the need for frequent doctor visits, medical tests, and hospital stays. The caregiver must manage physical transport of the patient as well as, the transport of medical equipment and often a wheelchair. Loading and unloading the patient for these countless trips is an added requirement of physical exertion and the sole responsibility for their loved one’s safety.

The enormity of physical effort and stamina required for day-to-day hands-on caregiving cannot be understated. It is an overwhelmingly exhausting experience that becomes more demanding as the patient’s condition declines.

Patient Advocacy and Hospitalization
Many medical conditions require frequent and / or extended hospital stays. In my work as a grief counselor, I have heard countless stories ranging from lack of attention to immediate patient needs, to sobering reports of negligence and misconduct by hospital staff. While this is the exception, rather than the rule, the caregiver present must be ever vigilant to advocate for, and be the voice of, their loved one and their needs.

Asking questions, double-checking what medications are being administered and why, attending to safety for the patient when staff are not present, and communicating to the patient and other family members all that is going on are just a few of the responsibilities required of a caregiver accompanying a patient in the hospital. Hospital staff are often quite comfortable with a family member present, because it lightens their task responsibility (assisting with eating, making the patient physically comfortable in the bed, and conveying information, to name a few). However, this scenario can also lend itself to staff “assuming” the patient’s needs are met, resulting in less attention to your loved one while in the hospital.

Decision Making
The designation of MPOA [Medical Power of Attorney] is in many ways an honor, as it conveys that your loved one has given you their complete trust to advocate for them and to make decisions regarding their care and treatment. It is also an enormous responsibility. In reality, these necessary decisions are likely discussed with others and agreed to with other family members. However, if there is not a consensus reached by all concerned parties, the designated MPOA is the single person who must make the final decision.

Often, others almost immediately shift to questioning the decision made — especially if the outcome of that decision did not benefit the patient. The resulting guilt and second-guessing can wreak emotional havoc for the already exhausted and stressed caregiver.

Isolation and Loneliness
Perhaps the remarks that I hear most often from former caregivers are about the overwhelming feelings of isolation and loneliness they experienced. While other family members go about their lives with an occasional check-in for updates, the hands-on caregiver is often living separate from their own family. They report experiencing extremes of emotion ranging from having a noble responsibility to fearing that what they once considered the normalcy of their own lives is lost forever. Caregivers of elderly parents miss out on their children’s school and extracurricular events, family meals, and the day-to-day commotion that is the essence of family life. Marital connections often suffer as well, as opportunities for catching up and for moments of intimacy are all but absent. To complain about what they are missing is to fear being misunderstood, because most caregivers truly believe that they are doing one of the most important jobs of their life. The truth of the matter is that one can feel both the importance of their caregiver role, and the despair of all they are missing in their own lives simultaneously.

Anticipatory Grief
Defined as feelings of grief that are felt before a death actually occurs, anticipatory grief is real and can preoccupy the caregiver in ways that are difficult to manage. While trying to stay in-the-moment and attentive to their loved one’s needs, they cannot stop thinking ahead to the moment when the life they are caring for will end. While many people believe that anticipatory grief prepares a person for the actual death of a loved one, in my experience that is seldom the case. No one truly knows grief until they are in it. It is often unlike we imagine it, and involves guilt and regret for having been preoccupied with the impending death in the first place.

Role Reversal
In many caregiving scenarios there is a moment when the caregiver comes to realize that their relationship with their loved one has changed. The parent who took care of you as a child, who was there for the victories and disappointments of your young adulthood, who has been a loving grandparent to your own children, who celebrated you in ways only a parent can is now someone who needs you to show up for them. They need you to help them with taking care of their own bodies, they need you to make sure they get their medicine on time, and they need you to make important decisions for them. Letting go of the need for them to keep taking care of you, and embracing your new role to them means coping with feelings of loss and enormous responsibility at the same time.

Another aspect of this parent / adult child role reversal is that your parent may not welcome this change! Many elderly parents find it very difficult to accept any help from their children, and make this transition very difficult. Adult children in this position often experience resistance and alienation from the parent they are trying to care for, which can eventually lead to feelings of resentment that must be managed as well. Hanging in there when you feel like every interaction is a battle can be enormously draining, causing you to constantly question your approach and effort to help someone who is fighting you every step of the way.

Likewise, the experience in a marriage of one person becoming sick and needing care can create feelings of loss for both people. No longer defined as a partnership, feelings of dependency and an imbalance of perceived contributions to the marriage can occur. Opportunities for intimacy and connection are often overshadowed by doctor appointments and care needs as well as, one person continuing to run the household and care for the children.

Lack of Opportunity for Self-Care
The dedicated caregiver is often so overwhelmed with the needs of their loved one that they will postpone, delay, or cancel many of their own self-care tasks. Staying on top of their own healthcare needs, having lunch with a friend, spending time with their own families, getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and exercising are just a few examples of self-care needs that are neglected by many in the caregiver role. Over time, this self-neglect can result in significant physical and mental health concerns for the caregiver, that often are not simply reversed following their loved one’s death.

Post Death Relief and Guilt
The last — and possibly the most difficult — aspect of the role of caregiver is what happens when their loved one’s death finally occurs. While it is not often discussed openly, there is almost always a sense of relief that the role has ended. To rationalize this feeling, they will often speak about the fact that their loved one is no longer suffering. However, this feeling is almost always coupled with extreme guilt. They report feelings of guilt for experiencing any relief following the death; as if they expected their role of caregiver to go on indefinitely. They report guilt for what they did do — and for what they didn’t do — that they have convinced themselves would have resulted in their loved one living differently… or better… or for longer.

The responsibility and role of care provider for someone you love is clearly an overwhelming experience fraught with unexpected and challenging turns that no one foresee. However, the ability to rise to and meet the needs of someone you love as they face the end of life is also enormously rewarding, and often described as a defining moment in one’s life. I believe there is no greater calling than caring for someone who is no longer able to care for themselves.

After the death of a loved one, there is certainly a need for taking stock of your new normal. This transition back into your life without your loved one will take time. Along with the despair of grief is the opportunity to reflect on and identify lessons learned from the caregiving experience. Former caregivers often experience a renewed appreciation for their own health, and a commitment to never to take that health for granted. Hopefully, there is also a sense of satisfaction and humility in having taken on one of the most difficult and anguishing tasks of a lifetime, and having done it well.

“…pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.”
Haruki Murakami

Grief Can Intensify During the Holidays

12/17/2023

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Counselors at Trinity Family Counseling can help you navigate the holidays, a time when grief intensifies and can be extraordinarily difficult.

The holidays are an extraordinarily difficult time for those who are grieving the loss of someone they loved. We attach tremendous significance to special days and holidays, and our psyches preserve moments of joy and feelings of closeness that occur on these distinctive days. Who among us hasn’t reminisced about birthdays, family Christmas celebrations of years gone by, or our favorite Valentine’s Day memory? Or anniversary? All, of course, when our missing loved one was still with us.

A resurgence of grief during the holidays is a natural and normal part of the grieving process, and an experience that one must find a way to endure. In his book, Handling the Holidays, author Bruce Conley offers some suggestions for coping which he titles:

The Griever’s Holiday Bill of Rights

You have the right to say, “time out” anytime you need. Time out to let up blows off a little steam, step away from the holidays and have a “huddle” and start over.
You have the right to “tell it like it is”. When people ask, “How are you?” you have the right to tell them how you really feel, not just what they want to hear. You also have the right to smile and say you’re fine because telling them how you really feel isn’t worth your time. Some people will never understand anyway.
You have the right to some “bah hum bug” days. You are not a bad person just because you don’t feel like singing Christmas carols all day.
You have the right to do things differently. There is no law that says you must always do Christmas the same way you have always done. You can send 10 cards instead of 100—or no cards at all. You can open your presents at somebody else’s house; you can do without a tree; you can have pizza instead of ham or turkey. You can be creative and start a new tradition.
You have the right to be where you want to be, at home or a relative’s, any city or state you choose. There’s no law that says you must stay home or that you must go some place. You don’t have to have snow for it to be Christmas.
You have the right to some fun. When you have a day that isn’t so bad and you feel like doing something for fun--then do it. You don’t have to be afraid of what someone else may say if they see you laughing and having a good time. Laughter is every bit as important and healing as tears.
You have the right to change direction in mid-stream. Grief is unpredictable. You may be all ready to go somewhere or do something and suddenly you are overwhelmed. When that happens, it’s okay to change your mind. There’s plenty of time in life to be predictable, exercise your right to change when you need to change.
You have the right to do things at different times. You can go to church at a different time than you have in the past. You can serve a meal at a different time; go to bed at a different time. You don’t have to be a slave to the clock.
You have the right to rest, peace, and solitude. You don’t need to be busy all the time. Take a nap whenever you need one. Take a nap to recharge your body. Take time to pray and to meditate, to recharge your spirit; it may do more good than eating another huge meal.
You have the right to do it all different again next year. Just because you change things one year and try something different does not mean you have to do it exactly the same way next year. You have the right to change things how you want to change things.

What is Important to Say When a Loved One is Dying?

8/30/2023

by Shelley KruszewskiShelley Kruszewski, LLC

Skilled grief counselors at Trinity Family Counseling can help in navigating through the loss of a loved one.

Shelley Kruszewski is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice and is the newest member of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. She has graduated with her Master’s Degree in Counseling from Oakland University. In addition to her individual case load at Trinity, Shelley also serves as a co-facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group.

Well-chosen words can be powerful tools for emotional well-being for us and our families. However, have you ever thought about what is helpful to say to someone that is dying? According to Dr. Ira Byock, a renowned palliative care physician and author of the book, The Four Things That Matter Most, there can be comfort and healing by using these four simple phrases:

Please forgive me
I forgive you
Thank you
I love you

It’s not necessarily the words that matter, but the sentiments behind the words that brings healing. If you are doing it with good intentions, it is a safe discussion to have. No relationship is perfect, and saying these things can give you and your loved one the opportunity to feel complete.

To “ask for” and “offer” forgiveness acknowledges we make mistakes. It’s not about forgetting; it means getting rid of the emotional baggage. Since grief can become more complicated when things are left unsaid, forgiveness is not just for the dying, but becomes a pathway to healing for ourselves.

Saying “thank you” and “I love you” might be stating the obvious, but there is a lot of weight in having someone hear it. Some people are reluctant to say the words because they believe their dying loved one already knows how much they are loved and appreciated. Dr. Byock’s response to that is, “Good, then it will be real easy for you to say it!”

There are also four lessons we should consider as we face death:

Lesson #1- Human beings are imperfect.
Don’t beat yourself up, nor inflict people with guilt at end of life. Cultivate feelings of worthiness and acceptance. Have mercy.

Lesson #2 – The things that matter most are not things—they are other people!
Our busy calendar will fall away quickly when you or someone is ill. Our connection to people is the primal source of meaning.

Lesson #3- Because humans are imperfect, relationships tend to be imperfect.
Some of the wounds we carry may reopen, especially if they are deep. Mortality makes it urgent for us to deal with these imperfect relationships while we still have the chance.

Lesson #4 – Healing is possible.
Dr. Byock was surprised himself to see how quickly people got it together when the dying process brought a sense of urgency. He has observed over and over again that when there is nothing left unsaid, simply being in the presence of your loved one takes on a sense of joy. This is even possible in cases of dementia or unconsciousness.

What if your loved one has already died? Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. Dr. Byock says there is still a therapeutic benefit in using "the four things” for healing. A skilled grief counselor can help in navigating through that process.

The more you talk and think about dying, the better you tend to live. Do not be fearful of saying the four things that matter most. Be authentic and say them with good intentions. Do it without an expectation that you will receive anything in return. And by the way, the life changing benefits of saying the four things that matter most do not need wait until the end of life; say them now to your loved ones!

“Our mortality will teach us a lot about life if we let it.”
~ Ira Byock, MD

For more information regarding Dr. Ira Byock and his inspirational book, please visit:
http://www.irabyock.org
https://irabyock.org/books/the-four-things-that-matter-most

Grief's Unfinished Business: Secondary Losses

4/6/2021

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

The death of a loved one is often the most anguishing event of any individual’s life experience.

A sudden and unexpected death is often described to me as “…a gut punch… unbelievable… the bottom has fallen out of my world…” Even if the death is expected or had been long anticipated, the actual moment that we learn of the death can only be described as shocking, devastating, and often times surreal. We are immediately plunged into the tasks of mourning which involve notifying others, funeral planning, and managing others’ reactions and expressions of sympathy, which often feel shallow amidst our anguishing despair.

Our loved one’s physical absence is the first and most significant loss we have to navigate. His slippers are still by his chair, her coffee mug sits by the sink, or their last message to us is still in our voicemail box—but they’re not here… and never will be again. It is this unending absence that preoccupies our every moment in the immediate aftermath of their death.

In time, though, other equally profound losses begin to surface, and we become aware of the many additional layers of grief yet to come.

…that dreamed of vacation to Europe will never happen…
…he won’t walk me down the aisle on my wedding day…
…she’ll never meet my future children…
…I have to sell our home because I can’t afford to stay here alone…
…she managed all the finances… I don’t know where to begin…

This list—known as ‘secondary losses’—is long, and each of these losses can bring just as much sorrow as our loved one’s physical absence. What’s worse, these losses are not all apparent right away. They emerge slowly, over the course of the rest of our lives, and bring with them a fresh resurgence of despair and the need for continued grief work, often at a time when we may have thought we had gotten through the worst of it.

The most important feature of coping with all these secondary losses is simply acknowledging them as they come up. Reaching back out to those support people who have been with us from the beginning can provide comfort, as we feel the need to talk about and process new and unexpected aspects of our loss experience.

Planning for and allowing ourselves to feel all the feelings as they arise is a healthy response to the experience of secondary losses. Acknowledging that our grief will continue to surge long after the actual death is a large part of the task of grief work. After all, there is no way of knowing in advance what can happen to take us ‘down to our knees’ again. Tolerating this renewed pain as we continue to take those small steps forward into the rest of our own lives is part of the anguishing process of healing from loss.

Some of these steps could include:

…beginning to consider some type of vacation for yourself—maybe with others—in the future…
…determining how best to honor his memory at your wedding…
…journaling about your loved one’s life, loves, and accomplishments for future generations to read…
…seeking help from others in determining how and when to downsize…
…hiring a financial consultant to help organize and prioritize the management of your finances…

The reality of the loss of a loved one is that our lives will never be the same as before. Recognizing and accepting grief’s unfinished business of ongoing secondary losses is a tall task of grief work. A task that requires self-compassion and humility as we come to terms with aspects of our grief experience that we couldn’t have imagined in the early days after their death.

Grief is a lonely journey; but you need not go it alone. There IS a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. The help of a professional grief counselor can be a healthy act of self-care as the enormity of grief’s unfinished business becomes apparent over the passage of time.

The Tasks Of Grief Work

9/8/2020

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A grief counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help provide the unconditional support we need to process our grief on our own terms.

Navigating the anguish, despair, and emotional pain of the loss of someone we love through death is NOT a passive experience. Our loved one’s death is an event. Grief work is defined as the process by which we come to terms with that event. This work requires many intentional and arduous tasks.

First, we must open ourselves up and embrace the emotional pain as it floods our mind, our body and our soul. This vulnerability of opening ourselves up to emotional pain is counter-intuitive to our instinct, which usually guides us to avoid pain as much as possible. However, there is no detour, no bypass around grief. The pain must be endured until it becomes thoroughly familiar. This is perhaps the single most challenging aspect of grief work. No one wants to embrace emotional pain forever. And so, we ask relentlessly, “When will it end?”

We must seek out those who will listen to and give us permission to talk about our loss as much--and for as long—as we need. Telling our story is a vital task of grief work. Telling our story can be anything from sharing the memory of our last time spent with our loved one, where we were and what we were doing when we got the news of their death, or the details and timeline of their diagnosis and their medical history, our experience of being present at the time of their death, the joy they brought to our life and the love we had for them. Or, our story may be about the challenges we had in the relationship, the regrets we have, or the guilt we bear for not addressing issues when we had the chance to do so. Certainly, any ‘unfinished business’ we feel we had with our loved one needs to be heard and processed in order for us to now find forgiveness or resolution unilaterally. Each time we tell our story, a new and different aspect of our loss resonates within us. As we gain perspective from telling our story, we are able to slowly adapt to the changes that are the inevitable result of our loss.

We do not need to grieve alone. However, seeking out the support that we need from others often overwhelms and intimidates us. We don’t want to be judged; we don’t want to be a burden; we don’t want others to really, truly know how bad we feel. So, we put on our “I’m okay” face, and move through our days as if we’re fine. If we do reach out for help or understanding, we often discover that our support people might not be who we expected them to be. Other family members are likely grieving themselves. Their relationship with the person who died may have been different than ours, more complicated, or less close. Additionally, our friends and others close to us find it very difficult to witness our pain. They try to cheer us up, distract us, prod us to “…move on… let go… get over it…” These are just a few of the reasons that so many describe grief as such a lonely place—even within their immediate family and close friends.

Often, we need to seek support from outside our immediate circle which, again, is counter-intuitive and in itself a daunting prospect. However, the support found in a grief support group can be surprisingly comforting, as members of the group instinctively understand the emotional experience of loss without judgment. The group experience can often provide the unconditional support we need to process our grief on our own terms.

The culmination of our grief work is the ability to acknowledge all that our loved one has meant to us, the influence that our relationship with them has had on us; understanding how our loss informs who we are now. And, finally, how we take that new sense of who we are—after loss—into our own future.

You don’t heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes;
you heal because of what you do with the time. ~ Carol Crandall

Joy Amidst Grief

11/17/2019

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A Grief Counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you understand how to get outside of your grief momentarily and still find joy in life.

When someone we love dies, we are consumed by an overwhelming and all-encompassing experience of anguish and despair. The simplest tasks become arduous and insurmountable. The suggestion that we could ever enjoy anything, or smile, or laugh again seems incomprehensible. We feel that our grief is now our new identity… forever.

Let me suggest that it is possible to experience moments of joy amidst our grief. Grief and joy are not mutually exclusive emotions (although we often believe that they are). We are capable of feeling a multitude of emotions all at once. It is this tug of our heart and mind in different directions, amidst grief, that confuses and disorients us.

Then, there’s the guilt. The immediate ‘gut punch’ we give ourselves when we feel anything except our grief. It’s as though we are somehow betraying our loved one because we laughed at a joke, or forgot about our loss for the briefest of moments.

The ability to get outside of your grief momentarily is a healthy coping mechanism; a sort of mini-respite from the despair. It is okay to smile when you hear a baby giggle, to laugh as your dog romps through the snow, to take in the beauty of a sunset, or savor a delicious sweet treat. All of these moments can accompany our exhaustive experience of grief; moments that serve to remind us that grief need not be our entire identity.

There is still beauty in the world around us — even as we grieve.

Regret In Grief

8/5/2019

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A grief counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help provide process the regret you may feel after losing a loved one.

In my career as a grief counselor, I have never had a client who did not experience some form of regret following the loss of someone they loved.

Something left unsaid, a decision made that they wish they could change, or a situation unresolved. Regret can come as equally with action as it does with inaction. We can regret doing something as much as we can regret having done nothing at all. After a loss these regrets can haunt us endlessly.

Some choose to hang on to regret because moving forward can feel like betrayal. Your regrets serve as testaments to the love you have felt. Holding on to regret can feel like it helps you maintain connection. Leaving behind the regret can feel like leaving your person behind.

A few suggestions for coping with your regret include:

Tell someone you trust what you are feeling.

You may need to be reminded that you did the best you could. After the fact, we lose the objectivity to remember exactly how things were or we forget all the things we did right. If the person you trust says, “No, you did all you could,” trust them.

Consider writing a letter to your person.

Expressing how you feel about the unfinished or unresolved issues between you can facilitate healing.

Be open to forgiving yourself.

Look for a lesson that can be learned.

Regret can inspire deeper compassion and empathy for others in pain; or just to say “I love you” more often.

Gratitude Transforms The Thanksgiving Table

11/19/2018

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A grief counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you change the way you think about circumstances in life like conflict, grief, physical pain and financial loss.

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

We come to the table with mixed emotions and challenging circumstances. Family conflict is seated and the turkey dinner somehow doesn’t taste as good as last year. Grief is present and tears saturate the beautiful tablecloth. The chair where an adult child usually sits is empty because family is no longer a priority. Physical pain makes another chair almost impossible to sit on. Another chair is full of worry because its occupant has suddenly lost his job.

This is life in a broken world. Conflict, grief, physical pain and financial loss are not strangers to any of us. We fear that our pain will reveal itself in those family photos.

We may need to seek professional help to learn new coping skills, gain insight into how to navigate conflict, or have someone just listen to our grief and help us find some light.

We might not be able to change our circumstances but we can definitely change the way we think about them. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” If we know that God is good, that He is sovereign in our lives, and that He loves us, we can trust that whatever is happening He is with us, and is working for our good and His glory.

That truth can put a smile on your face. At least long enough for that picture!

The Dynamics of Grief Within a Family

9/9/2018

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Everyone is grieving when a family loses a loved one. However, not everyone is grieving in the same way. Once each person moves beyond the initial stage of shock in response to the death, there can be significant differences in each individual’s experience of the loss. These unanticipated differences often present an added layer of confusion and despair for the individual mourners, and can result in discord within the family unit as a whole.

When we anticipate a loss, we often assume that our closest family members will be the ones to support us through our grief. However, each family member’s experience will be unique to them; influenced by a wide range of features specific to the individual’s age and stage of life at the time of their loss and to their relationship to the deceased.

Other factors influencing our experience include:

the stability and intensity of our relationship with the deceased at the time of their death
the age of the deceased at the time of their death
whether the death was sudden or anticipated
whether the death occurred as a result of natural causes or from an accident or tragedy

The task for family members is to recognize these factors and not assume that their spouse, parent, sibling, or child is feeling as they are at any given moment in time. Support offered by others outside the family, or in a grief support group can provide the understanding we need to process our grief on our own terms.

Emotional Consequences of Job Loss

7/8/2017

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A grief counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you successfully navigate the enormous challenge of a job loss and identify the learning and personal growth that the situation has provided.

Most people make the assumption that grief and loss are only experienced with the death of a loved one. However, loss comes in many other life experiences and grief is often the resulting emotional reaction. The experience of job loss is no exception, and can include primary as well as, secondary losses. Primary losses include the loss of income and benefits. However it is the secondary losses that can cause a large part of our anxiety and impact our ability to cope. These secondary losses can include: loss of status, loss of respect, loss of confidence, loss of hope, loss of belief in the future, and loss of trust of others.

As a result of these real and perceived losses, the individual who has lost his/her job is most certainly experiencing the emotions of grief; which can result in feelings of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. The important thing to remember is that these are normal reactions to grief and require much the same care as those grief reactions that occur after the death of a loved one.

Among some of the basic truths about grieving are that it is highly individualized and is a normal, acceptable, and healthy reaction to loss. The grieving process has no time limit, and often takes longer than is usually recognized. Physiological symptoms such as headaches, back pain, and stomach upset are real reactions to grief. Feelings of guilt are natural, and second-guessing past decisions and actions is to be expected. However, if acknowledged and processed appropriately, grief can also provide unexpected opportunity for growth.

Seeking out and maintaining a support system is the single most significant task of coping with loss of any kind. This includes the emotional support of loved ones who care about us, and can also encompass a formal support group. People in similar circumstances can provide emotional support as well as, networking opportunities that might otherwise be unavailable to the individual alone.

Being organized can be very helpful in managing the crisis of job loss. When so much feels out of control, the person’s ability to structure his/her time and job seeking efforts can provide a sense of order and of being in control of the situation.

Journaling can be a very useful tool in managing stress and anxiety. Very often, we express our feelings differently in writing than we do verbally. Sometimes we can put on paper things that we could never say aloud about our fears and anxieties.

Lastly, it is important to remember the power of prayer in our lives, especially when we face our greatest challenges. Individuals facing job loss are often plagued with doubt in God’s plan for their life. We must remember that while He does answer our prayers, it is seldom in the way we expect or at the time we would prefer!

An individual’s ability to successfully navigate the enormous challenge of job loss affords him/her the opportunity to look back and identify the learning and personal growth that the situation provided. The skills and the personal wherewithal that we use to resolve each difficulty we face offers us new tools to add to our toolbox for future challenges.

It's Not What I Expected

6/11/2017

by Deb Toering, LPC, BCPCC, ADHD-CCSP

A grief counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you do the actual work of grief: working through the anger, bargaining, perhaps depression and finally acceptance.

Life is full of heartache and disappointments.

A spouse has a debilitating disease. Children travel down self-destructive paths. Jobs are lost. Financial difficulties come upon us. Storms destroy our homes and our marriages. Test results show cancer. Family relationships are strained. We feel alone, afraid, helpless, vulnerable and sometimes, full of shame. How are we to respond to these things? Who can we talk to who will understand? Some things are so personal that we decide to travel alone. And the journey can be painful and lonely.

These unexpected events are losses we did not anticipate: the loss of health and a happy retirement. The loss of financial security. The loss of a physical home or marriage. The loss of the hope of a happy family or happy and successful children. A healthy way of coping with these losses is to do the actual work of grief: working through the anger, bargaining, perhaps depression and finally acceptance. These emotions are normal. Talking about them is helpful. Sometimes a professional counselor can be just the one who can hear your pain and disappointment and help you work through the grief.

For the Christian, we know that this life is not all there is. Jesus told us that we would have trouble in this life (John 16:33). The comfort that we have is that God will wipe away every tear. In Heaven there will be no mourning or crying or pain or death (Revelation 21:3-4).

The Language Of Loss

4/2/2017

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

A grief counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you identify alternative language to use when discussing your grief journey so you are not hurt by the words and well-intentioned advice of others.

During a time of loss the people who care about us are often quick to offer unsolicited advice and counsel in an effort to comfort us. However, the language they use—although unintentional—often exacerbates our sense of isolation and confusion. While intended to comfort or encourage, their words often leave us feeling even more alone in our grief.

In my work as a grief counselor, I have become acutely aware of the power of words to influence our perspective and experience of personal loss. I devote an evening of my ongoing grief support group to a discussion of this topic, and I offer alternative language to use when discussing one’s grief journey with others. This discussion—perhaps more than any other during the course of my group—is often transformative for the attendees who have been hurt by the words and well-intentioned advice of others.

“You really should be moving on by now…”

My suggestions include challenging the use of the word should in any discussion of one’s grief work. There simply are no “shoulds.” Certainly, there are universal features of the grief experience. However, there are many more features which contribute to the uniqueness of one’s journey, and often amplify those intense feelings of being alone in our grief. These features include the individual’s age and stage of life at the time of their loss, their relationship to the deceased, and the stability and intensity of that relationship at the time of the death. The circumstances of the death itself can often complicate the grieving process as well. This includes the age of the deceased at the time of death, whether the death was sudden or anticipated, and whether the death occurred as a result of natural causes or from an accident or tragedy. It becomes quite clear when all of these factors are considered, that any idea of how someone should be enduring the process of grief is entirely unreasonable. Grief work is an arduous and uniquely individual experience, with no rules and no “shoulds.”

“Isn’t it time for you to just let go?”

“Why haven’t you gotten past this yet?”

I suggest that the griever consider the task to be that of moving forward. Suggestions of moving on, letting go and getting past imply the need to somehow leave our loved one behind. When in fact, the real challenge is to figure out how to move forward, with one’s loss now being a part of what informs who they are now.

“When are you going to get back to normal?”

The loss of a loved one changes us forever. With this understanding, it becomes evident that getting back to normal is not a goal at all! We will never be the same person we were before our loss. We absolutely can feel joy, love, and happiness in our lives again, but it will be a new normal; nothing like before our loss.

“You should be reaching a place of acceptance soon…”

I also take issue with the concept of acceptance. Here, I am referring to the painstakingly long ordeal of learning how to live our own life with our loved one no longer a part of it. If we consider the dictionary’s definitions of acceptance, we learn that it can mean:

the act of taking something that is offered
a favorable reception
to receive willingly
to give admittance or approval to
to endure without protest or reaction
to regard as normal or inevitable
the act of assenting to or agreeing

A common theme of choice or a sense of willingness is implied with each of these variations of the definition of acceptance. However, our loss has certainly not been our choice. Nor would many admit to any sense of willingness to confront life without their person. With this perspective of the idea of acceptance in mind, is it any wonder why so many people who are grieving report feeling offended when asked by others if they have “accepted” their loss yet?? Quite the contrary, their feelings are often ones of resistance and protest.

I suggest we replace the word acceptance with the words adapt and accommodate. Through many conversations with people struggling in their loss, there is a strong consensus that these words more accurately reflect how they are attempting to manage their day-to-day struggle. They readily acknowledge that they are trying to adapt to the changes that their loss has imposed on them. They further recognize that it is possible to accommodate—or make room for—the changes to their own lives that have occurred—through no fault of their own. Informing a well-intentioned observer that they are hard at work attempting to adapt and accommodate to their loss feels more congruent with their actual experience, than an effort to reach some undefined (and often unimaginable) place of acceptance of their loss.

Finally, as a person makes their way through their grief journey, finding ways to cope with the emotional overload, and meeting the challenges of simply getting through each day, there eventually comes a time when the load begins to lighten. Moments of quiet reflection replace anguishing sorrow. There are more sweet memories and fewer feelings of emptiness. It is during this transition that I often suggest we shift our language from words focused on the loss to those that highlight all that our loved one has meant to us. I suggest we leave behind the language of loss and step into our future speaking in terms of honoring—rather than grieving. This final shift in the use of our language of loss supports our renewed sense of our own life as it begins to take shape again.

"Life Has Changed Without My Permission"

3/15/2015

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

My journey to the field of professional counseling–more specifically grief counseling – began with this profound realization. My own mother died when I was a young mother myself, and as a result of her death, I suddenly realized how little control I had over anything at all. A few years later, as I began my graduate studies in the counseling field, I was immediately drawn to grief work.

Those who are grieving the loss of someone they love are truly suffering through no fault of their own. The emotional, spiritual, psychological, and physical assault of loss is profoundly overwhelming and life-changing.

The ability to successfully navigate your grief work involves tolerating [rather than avoiding] the emotional pain, and recognizing that your unique and very personal grief experience will be a very lonely place for an undetermined period of time. These insights, forced upon us in our darkest moments, can help us reconcile the fact that life has indeed, changed forever, without our permission.

Our task, when working through our grief, becomes figuring out how to take this experience–as part of what now defines us–and move forward in our own life.

The Benefits of Grief Support Within A Group Experience

11/25/2013

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, ACS

Trinity Family Counseling offers a group setting where you can deal with the confusion, distractibility, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions and emotional instability that are common reactions to loss.

Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death… No one can know ahead of the fact [and here lies the heart of the difference between grief as we imagine it and grief as it is] the unending absence that follows, the void, the very opposite of meaning, the relentless succession of moments during which we will confront the experience of meaninglessness itself.
Joan Didion
The Year of Magical Thinking, pp.188-9

This passage reflects the overwhelming initial reaction of many to the loss of someone they love. The goal of a grief support group is to assist grieving individuals through the process of coping with this sense of meaninglessness. Engaging in this painful process within a group dynamic offers several unique opportunities for the grieving individual.

First and foremost, the company of others who are also grieving is enormously comforting. When we have lost someone, we are usually “allowed” a reasonable period of time to feel sad, after which a simmering impatience emerges, as others deem it is time for us to “get on with living.” The beauty of the support group is that there is no impatience with the grieving process, which often continues well beyond society’s acceptable “timeline” for grieving.

Second, grieving individuals need opportunities to tell their stories again and again. They need to feel safe to explore the painstaking details of their loss experience in order to begin to make sense of it. Group members understand and support this need. They often ask questions of one another, and are able to empathize in ways that only another grieving individual could.

While each individual’s grief journey is uniquely their own—based on their relationship with the one who died and the circumstances of the death—there are many features of the grieving process that are universally experienced. The opportunity to sit with and share with others the sorrow and confusion that comes from grieving can serve as reassurance and comfort that the individual is not alone.

Additionally, recognizing one’s own feelings in another who is also grieving offers comfort and confirmation that “I am (in fact) not going crazy,” which is how many grieving people describe their early grief experience. Reports of confusion, distractibility, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions and emotional instability are common reactions to loss. In isolation, many are unaware that these experiences are a natural part of the grieving process.

Few people have the luxury of taking the time they truly need for their grief work. Families, jobs and other daily responsibilities are not able to be put “on hold” while we grieve. Being able to sit with others on a regular basis—as is offered through a group experience—often is the only time many find in which to actively allow themselves to process all that they are experiencing.

Because the group is composed of individuals with varying lengths of time passed since their loss, members are able to see others who may be a few steps ahead of them on their grief journey. This experience allows them hope that it can be done; that someone can traverse the incredible pain they are feeling—and survive. Likewise, there is tremendous reward in serving the needs of another grieving individual, and in recognizing how far we may have come ourselves.

Group work provides this perspective on our own journey as well as, offering hope for others.

Grief and Loss

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