​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Some would say Christmas is about gifts and decorations and parties and carols and family. Others would see Christmas as an opportunity to make money or for many, just a time to add to their credit card debt. For some, Christmas only makes them feel sad because it is a reminder of loved ones who are no longer with them. Most would agree that one theme that tends to run through the season is love.
 
If it is about love, what does that look like when life is full of broken relationships?  There is conflict within marriages, families and friendships. How are we to love those we are in conflict with or those who have hurt us?
 
Christmas can be a time of high expectations. We so want to be living in that Hallmark movie where everyone gets along, homes are beautifully decorated, snow is falling and love conquers all in the end. We see social media posts of happy families posing in matching sweaters. We shop for that perfect gift to make our loved one feel special and loved.
 
The whole process of Christmas from planning, to gift buying, to decorating, to meal preparation, to having overnight guests can be exhausting. We want it all to be perfect. Even if it looks perfect,
that one day cannot magically heal all the dysfunction in our lives.
 
We are supposed to act loving but at times that seems impossible because we do not feel loving toward certain people. Relationships are complicated. We all long to be loved unconditionally. We hurt each other. Some hurts are so deep that talking through them with a professional counselor can help to bring healing.
 
From God’s perspective, Christmas is about God Himself, coming to earth in the form of a baby. That baby grew up, lived a holy life and gave His life, the ultimate act of love so that we could have His life and love living in us. The ultimate sacrifice was offered; the highest form of love.  We can only truly love because He first loved us.  In the end, it is all that matters. The decorations, gifts and Hallmark movies will all fade away and the question we will all hear is “Did you love others like I loved you?”
 
Maybe this is what Christmas is really all about.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Counseling services have historically been conducted in a private room with the client and counselor face-to-face.

The COVID-19 pandemic changed everything. Here at Trinity, we made the informed decision to close our doors to in-person services on March 18, 2020. For the following 11 months, we were forced to conduct all our services virtually using a telehealth platform from our homes. Once we were back in the office, we had many clients excited to return, initially wearing masks in session. However, we had just as many clients still highly reluctant to return in-person. To this day, there are a few clients that I met, counseled, and discharged who I have never actually met! It’s been a crazy time for clients and counselors alike.
 
And now, with the world (mostly) back to “normal,” we find some clients continuing with virtual sessions, and a few new clients asking if virtual sessions are still on option? Not surprisingly, there are many counseling practices that have remained entirely virtual. For practice owners, there are some advantages to moving to an entirely virtual practice. But what about clients? How are virtual sessions different -  if at all - than sitting face-to-face with your counselor?
 
Let’s consider a few features of both options. First, two positive aspects associated with virtual sessions:
 
1) Convenience
There is no doubt that the convenience of engaging with your counselor from your own home is appealing. No commute time, no traffic, no gas usage, and the most efficient use of time. For many clients, these are some significant pros to virtual sessions. The ability to log on from work during their lunch hour, for example, precludes the need to commit to an evening appointment, away from their family.
 
2) Safety and Comfort
Many clients struggling with certain types of anxiety have reported feeling safer in their own home.  With that sense of overall safety, can also come a deeper level of vulnerability in discussing the really ‘tough stuff’ with their counselor.
 
Comfort is another factor when attending counseling from one’s home. It can be argued that there is less stress in talking about difficult issues when you feel comfortable physically. We have seen clients routinely log on to their session from their bedrooms and their beds!
 
Next, let’s look at some of the pros of in-person counseling sessions:
 
1) Immediacy
One of the hallmarks of positive engagement with a professional counselor is the interpersonal relationship that develops between the parties. Rapport, a sense of emotional safety, and trust are essential for the client to be willing to reveal the details of their circumstances, and the depth with which they suffer. After all, the issues bringing the client into counseling have likely been troubling them for some time. It takes tremendous courage to make that initial call for help.
 
The ability for the client to experience immediate and uninterrupted attention, support, and validation from their counselor can mean the difference between finally taking that initial step forward toward change - or continuing to feel ‘stuck’ and often times, hopeless. Immediacy in a counseling session offers the opportunity for that “a-ha” moment that is so often thought of as a goal of the counseling experience.
 
2) Accountability
Accountability is defined as, “…an assurance that an individual will be evaluated on their performance or behavior related to something for which they are responsible…”
 
In the counseling arena, this means that clients are asked to “own” their thoughts, words, choices, actions, mistakes, and misdeeds. The counselor’s ability to address these issues and to hold the client accountable involves not allowing the client to make excuses, deny, or avoid their responsibility for their circumstances. This can be a powerful moment between client and counselor, and the beginning of the client’s recognition of the things they have the power to change. Being held accountable is often much more impactful when confronted face-to-face.

3) Privacy and Confidentiality
For many clients, privacy and confidentiality are of extreme importance. As counselors, we are ethically and legally responsible to protect our clients’ privacy, and to assure their confidentiality to the best of our ability. This includes things like protecting the contents of their records, obtaining a Release of Information form in order to discuss a client with another professional or family member, and most importantly, simply assuring our client that their conversation is with us - and us alone. * The private counseling room offers the best possible opportunity to honor these needs.
 
Every client opting for virtual sessions should be informed that there are limits to our ability to guarantee privacy and confidentiality in a virtual scenario. For example, another person in their home - in another room - could overhear their session, or someone could unexpectedly walk into the room uninvited and overhear their session. And, while the professional counselor should be conducting the session from a private, soundproof area of their home or office, the reality is that many do not. Therefore, the client cannot know for certain that the session is private from the counselor’s end of the connection.
 
4) Confidence that the session will occur and not be interrupted!
An in-person session is a commitment of 50-minutes, uninterrupted by both the counselor and the client. We have all had our share of intermittent internet connections, difficulty connecting at all, and dropped connection once initiated, when conducting any type of exchange over the internet. There is no quicker way to have a virtual counseling session go awry, than to experience the frustration of internet sabotage!
 
Finally, having conducted virtual sessions with my own clients extensively for the past 2 ½ years, I can say without a doubt, that I prefer seeing my clients in-person! I am able to gain insight as a result of witnessing my client’s body language, physical demeanor, and unfiltered and immediate emotion. I also know that I personally bring more energy and more focus to the experience of having a client seated before me, than behind a screen!
 
While virtual sessions can offer convenience, safety, and comfort for clients, I believe that the features of immediacy, accountability, privacy, confidentiality, and certainty of the dedicated time are all the reasons I need to continue to encourage in-person sessions with my current and future clients.
 
See you in the session room!
 
* Exceptions to this promise, dictated by law, are topics related to harm to others or self-harm.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

The prophet Isaiah shared this good news from God about the birth of Christ to the people of his day who needed encouragement. “For unto us a child is born, a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
 
As a counselor, I love that one description of Jesus is ‘Wonderful Counselor’. God wants to give us guidance and wisdom for our lives. I know how much I desire to help guide and support my clients. Think how much more our heavenly father desires to guide and counsel us. “Your word is like a lamp that guides my steps, a light that shows the path I should take.” Psalm 119:105
 
In a world that is uncertain and at times traumatic if you watch the headlines, it is good to know we are cared for by a ‘Mighty God’ and ‘Everlasting Father’. As Paul writes in Romans, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31. He is not going anywhere. “Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting, you are God.” Psalm 90:2
 
And finally, Isaiah tells us Jesus is the ‘Prince of Peace’. As we process the heaviness of the recent school shooting, financial or family strains around the holidays, we are in need of peace. Peace that lasts, peace that sustains us through our distress. Jesus told his followers, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27 What a beautiful gift we can count on even in hard times.
 
We are grateful as counselors to offer counsel, strength, endurance and peace from anxiety. But the ultimate source of all of those things resides in Jesus. He is certainly the source of that for me, and I am honored to share it with any clients who desire it as well. “’Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you’, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 29:12,13

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many of my Christian clients feel hopeless to change their anxious thoughts; often citing they have been anxious most of their lives and they do not know any other way of being. Their anxiety keeps them from living the lives they want to live. They are afraid of making change, going out, being with others, getting sick and a myriad of other things.
 
The term neuroplasticity is one that offers hope. It means that the brain has the ability to rewire itself. New pathways and connections can be created; old troublesome patterns of reacting and thinking can be changed. Although the awareness of neuroplasticity has come into being in the latter half of the 20th century, God, the Creator, knew about it from the beginning of time.
 
He knew that our brains would need to be rewired because he tells us in Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
 
The transformation is the rewiring. You may wonder what specifically needs to be rewired? Our thoughts produce feelings and those feelings result in behaviors.
 
Scripture tells us to “test” our thoughts. I will ask my clients to make a list of the things that they worry about and then we will examine each one and ask if the worry is something that is true, or likely to happen. We look at the worst-case scenarios.  If what they are thinking is not true, then we set out to find out what is. Much of the work revolves around what is true about themselves, in light of what God has said, what is true about the nature of God, and what is true about their situation, from God’s perspective.
 
I will ask the client to find a Biblical truth that applies to their distorted thought or worry. Then, to read it over and over. Write it out.  Say it out loud. Pull it apart and meditate on it. Begin to act as though it is true. Turn it into a prayer of thanksgiving.
 
This is no easy task for someone who is used to welcoming anxious or negative thoughts. This vital work leads to a transformed mind that thinks God’s thoughts, resulting in freedom and peace.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

2020 hasn’t exactly been a year of structure and stability.

​While the loss of these factors in our lives is difficult for everyone, it is perhaps even more of a struggle for children. In most cases, the foundations of their lives have been upended, which can lead to a lot of confusing emotions and few places to put them. If your child has been “acting out” more than usual lately, here is a simple strategy you can use to deescalate the situation and help them process their emotions.
 
The first and most important steps are to listen and validate what they are feeling. This helps your child feel heard and builds their emotional intelligence, so they are better equipped to respond to their emotions in the future. After asking about or interpreting the emotion your child is feeling, you could try some phrases like these to validate them:
 
“I can see that you feel *emotion* right now. Being *emotion* is okay.”
“What happened that made you *emotion*?”
“I would be *emotion* too if that happened to me.”
 
Once you’ve listened and validated, you will have created a much more productive space to then guide your child in the right direction behaviorally. You could follow up your validation by reminding your child that you love them, but you don’t like _____            behavior, and offering them some alternatives. This strategy will not only help reduce the behaviors you don’t want from your child, but more importantly, help them feel heard and supported.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Navigating the anguish, despair, and emotional pain of the loss of someone we love through death is NOT a passive experience. Our loved one’s death is an event. Grief work is defined as the process by which we come to terms with that event. This work requires many intentional and arduous tasks.
 
First, we must open ourselves up and embrace the emotional pain as it floods our mind, our body and our soul. This vulnerability of opening ourselves up to emotional pain is counter-intuitive to our instinct, which usually guides us to avoid pain as much as possible. However, there is no detour, no bypass around grief. The pain must be endured until it becomes thoroughly familiar. This is perhaps the single most challenging aspect of grief work. No one wants to embrace emotional pain forever. And so, we ask relentlessly, “When will it end?”
 
We must seek out those who will listen to and give us permission to talk about our loss as much--and for as long—as we need. Telling our story is a vital task of grief work. Telling our story can be anything from sharing the memory of our last time spent with our loved one, where we were and what we were doing when we got the news of their death, or the details and timeline of their diagnosis and their medical history, our experience of being present at the time of their death, the joy they brought to our life and the love we had for them. Or, our story may be about the challenges we had in the relationship, the regrets we have, or the guilt we bear for not addressing issues when we had the chance to do so. Certainly, any ‘unfinished business’ we feel we had with our loved one needs to be heard and processed in order for us to now find forgiveness or resolution unilaterally. Each time we tell our story, a new and different aspect of our loss resonates within us. As we gain perspective from telling our story, we are able to slowly adapt to the changes that are the inevitable result of our loss.
 
We do not need to grieve alone. However, seeking out the support that we need from others often overwhelms and intimidates us. We don’t want to be judged; we don’t want to be a burden; we don’t want others to really, truly know how bad we feel. So, we put on our “I’m okay” face, and move through our days as if we’re fine. If we do reach out for help or understanding, we often discover that our support people might not be who we expected them to be. Other family members are likely grieving themselves. Their relationship with the person who died may have been different than ours, more complicated, or less close. Additionally, our friends and others close to us find it very difficult to witness our pain. They try to cheer us up, distract us, prod us to “…move on… let go… get over it…” These are just a few of the reasons that so many describe grief as such a lonely place—even within their immediate family and close friends.
 
Often, we need to seek support from outside our immediate circle which, again, is counter-intuitive and in itself a daunting prospect. However, the support found in a grief support group can be surprisingly comforting, as members of the group instinctively understand the emotional experience of loss without judgment. The group experience can often provide the unconditional support we need to process our grief on our own terms.
 
The culmination of our grief work is the ability to acknowledge all that our loved one has meant to us, the influence that our relationship with them has had on us; understanding how our loss informs who we are now. And, finally, how we take that new sense of who we are—after loss—into our own future.
 
You don’t heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes;
you heal because of what you do with the time.   ~ Carol Crandall

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You continue to battle the fog with every additional cup of coffee but it never seems to disappear.

​You flit from one thing to the next, without accomplishing much.  There are missed appointments, lost items, sticky notes everywhere reminding you to do things that you have little motivation to do. Your home is such a disorganized mess that an unexpected visitor would bring panic and shame. Your spouse is constantly upset and irritated that you don’t get anything done while he is away at work. He doesn’t understand that drawing and music are the things that bring you joy so you focus there rather than on the mundane tasks of running a household.  More shame.

There is a nagging sense that you were meant for something more; you have somehow greatly underachieved. You are weary; feeling like a failure. You wonder why others accomplish so much more. All of this leaves you anxious and depressed.
 
You have been seeing a counselor for your depression and anxiety. As you share your symptoms, the counselor wonders if you know anything about ADHD. You identify with the symptoms and the more you read and learn the more you realize that this has been your life.
 
There is an “aha” moment of discovery that feels like such relief.

Finally, you can begin to make sense of your lifelong struggles, shame and guilt. You begin to realize maybe you really aren’t stupid and how your difficulty with focus and organization may have been the cause of your poor grades.  Perhaps that “lazy” label your parents and teachers attached to you really isn’t true as you learn more about how your brain is wired and how it is lacking in those neurotransmitters that are related to focus and motivation.

Maybe this isn’t a moral problem (“you need to try harder and have more discipline”) but a neurological problem. There is great relief in this new way of thinking about yourself. Maybe you are not really a scatterbrain. Perhaps you don’t have to be the person who is always late, always interrupting and talking incessantly. The thought that perhaps you could actually get things done is so wonderful!
 
You try medication and in some miraculous way the fog is lifted. You can think clearly. You have motivation. You have arrived at least to the starting line with everyone else.
 
But there is a sadness, a grief over what could have been. What if I you had understood the ADHD while you were in school, maybe you could have achieved more, gone to college, had a better job?  What would it have been like to accomplish what you intended and to actually plan ahead? Could you have kept those friends who left because you never reciprocated?  What would life have been like if your home was well-organized, your children didn’t have to share in the shame of missed appointments or field trip permission slips not turned in? What books have you missed reading and what have you not learned simply because you didn’t have sustained focus?
 
Perhaps you, the reader can in some way identify with this story. A professional counselor can help. If you have ADHD/ADD medication alone is not enough to make changes. Coaching and counseling together with medication can bring about amazing changes so that the grief can pass and a new life emerge. There is hope for you to be all you were intended to be! 

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Whether your kids are returning to the classroom, virtual learning or a hybrid of both one thing is for certain, this school year will be unlike any we have experienced.

As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in what needs to happen to prepare for this unprecedented academic year but more than ever, it’s essential to stop and check-in with your kids.

The pandemic has been especially difficult for young people. They have been socially isolated from their friends, other family members as well as their teachers. They have not been able to participate in sports, academic, or social clubs for months and now they are about to begin an uncertain school year. It doesn’t matter if they are in college or starting middle school, just take some time to see how they feel about all the changes taking place. How do they feel about wearing a mask all day? Are they anxious about possibly getting sick? Will things ever be the same?

​These are all justified concerns and warrant a discussion.
  
Begin by listening and validating their concerns. Normalize their anxiety.  Help them see what they can control. For example, explain to them that they can minimize their chances of infection by wearing a mask or avoiding crowds. Offer a different perspective by focusing on the positive. Encourage them to journal, enjoy their hobbies or activities that help them relax. The most important thing you can do is let them know is that you are here for them.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

So much is broken in our world. There is injustice, sickness and job loss. Relationships are broken.  We feel isolated, fearful, angry and even despairing. Listening can be a powerful force for healing these problems.
 
Listening well gives us insight into another’s perspective and can change incorrect assumptions that lead to anger. It can make us more aware of how others are being treated or experiencing life and hopefully bring forth greater empathy and compassion. Having someone listen to our pain somehow makes it feel a little better.

Talking about job loss can stimulate new ideas for work or career change. Listening can help those who are lonely. How life-giving it would be if we asked, “what must life be like for …?”, and then were intentional about asking! Having someone help us name our fears and explore them often makes them seem less powerful and more manageable. When they stay inside, they can become more irrational and terrifying.
 
Perhaps you don’t have someone in your life who listens well. A good professional counselor will listen well with the intention to understand.
 
The most powerful listening occurs when we listen to the One who created us. He can change our hearts, bring healing to our broken relationships, and set us free from anger and fear. He can provide direction and turn our despair into hope. The Creator desires to use us to facilitate healing. He had a reason for giving us two ears and one mouth.

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Raising teenagers is challenging under the most normal circumstances.

​Throw in a pandemic, quarantine, and an abrupt end to the school year, and you have a trifecta of turmoil. During the ages of 13-17, it’s normal for our kids to pull away and spend less time with the family, but right now that separation is impossible. These kids have no choice but to retreat into the world of TikTok and Instagram. While this may be convenient and allows us to take care of business during the day, it can also become very isolating for our teens.  For many of us, not becoming the ‘phone police’ has been a challenge.  The anxiety comes from being aware of everything our teens’ impressionable minds have access to on the internet, and the endless amount of free time they now have available to them.
 
While our concern is justified, this is a chance for us to sit down with our kids and learn about what their cyber world looks like. What are their interests? Who do they choose to follow, and why?  After all, these platforms have a lot of influence over our kids’ thoughts and feelings, not only about the world but, about themselves.  While some of this information can help kids escape from loneliness and stay connected with their peers, some of it may also increase their anxiety. Connecting with your kids over their social media is a great way to begin those tricky conversations and help alleviate some of your concerns.