by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many of my Christian clients feel hopeless to change their anxious thoughts; often citing they have been anxious most of their lives and they do not know any other way of being. Their anxiety keeps them from living the lives they want to live. They are afraid of making change, going out, being with others, getting sick and a myriad of other things.
 
The term neuroplasticity is one that offers hope. It means that the brain has the ability to rewire itself. New pathways and connections can be created; old troublesome patterns of reacting and thinking can be changed. Although the awareness of neuroplasticity has come into being in the latter half of the 20th century, God, the Creator, knew about it from the beginning of time.
 
He knew that our brains would need to be rewired because he tells us in Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
 
The transformation is the rewiring. You may wonder what specifically needs to be rewired? Our thoughts produce feelings and those feelings result in behaviors.
 
Scripture tells us to “test” our thoughts. I will ask my clients to make a list of the things that they worry about and then we will examine each one and ask if the worry is something that is true, or likely to happen. We look at the worst-case scenarios.  If what they are thinking is not true, then we set out to find out what is. Much of the work revolves around what is true about themselves, in light of what God has said, what is true about the nature of God, and what is true about their situation, from God’s perspective.
 
I will ask the client to find a Biblical truth that applies to their distorted thought or worry. Then, to read it over and over. Write it out.  Say it out loud. Pull it apart and meditate on it. Begin to act as though it is true. Turn it into a prayer of thanksgiving.
 
This is no easy task for someone who is used to welcoming anxious or negative thoughts. This vital work leads to a transformed mind that thinks God’s thoughts, resulting in freedom and peace.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

2020 hasn’t exactly been a year of structure and stability.

​While the loss of these factors in our lives is difficult for everyone, it is perhaps even more of a struggle for children. In most cases, the foundations of their lives have been upended, which can lead to a lot of confusing emotions and few places to put them. If your child has been “acting out” more than usual lately, here is a simple strategy you can use to deescalate the situation and help them process their emotions.
 
The first and most important steps are to listen and validate what they are feeling. This helps your child feel heard and builds their emotional intelligence, so they are better equipped to respond to their emotions in the future. After asking about or interpreting the emotion your child is feeling, you could try some phrases like these to validate them:
 
“I can see that you feel *emotion* right now. Being *emotion* is okay.”
“What happened that made you *emotion*?”
“I would be *emotion* too if that happened to me.”
 
Once you’ve listened and validated, you will have created a much more productive space to then guide your child in the right direction behaviorally. You could follow up your validation by reminding your child that you love them, but you don’t like _____            behavior, and offering them some alternatives. This strategy will not only help reduce the behaviors you don’t want from your child, but more importantly, help them feel heard and supported.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Navigating the anguish, despair, and emotional pain of the loss of someone we love through death is NOT a passive experience. Our loved one’s death is an event. Grief work is defined as the process by which we come to terms with that event. This work requires many intentional and arduous tasks.
 
First, we must open ourselves up and embrace the emotional pain as it floods our mind, our body and our soul. This vulnerability of opening ourselves up to emotional pain is counter-intuitive to our instinct, which usually guides us to avoid pain as much as possible. However, there is no detour, no bypass around grief. The pain must be endured until it becomes thoroughly familiar. This is perhaps the single most challenging aspect of grief work. No one wants to embrace emotional pain forever. And so, we ask relentlessly, “When will it end?”
 
We must seek out those who will listen to and give us permission to talk about our loss as much--and for as long—as we need. Telling our story is a vital task of grief work. Telling our story can be anything from sharing the memory of our last time spent with our loved one, where we were and what we were doing when we got the news of their death, or the details and timeline of their diagnosis and their medical history, our experience of being present at the time of their death, the joy they brought to our life and the love we had for them. Or, our story may be about the challenges we had in the relationship, the regrets we have, or the guilt we bear for not addressing issues when we had the chance to do so. Certainly, any ‘unfinished business’ we feel we had with our loved one needs to be heard and processed in order for us to now find forgiveness or resolution unilaterally. Each time we tell our story, a new and different aspect of our loss resonates within us. As we gain perspective from telling our story, we are able to slowly adapt to the changes that are the inevitable result of our loss.
 
We do not need to grieve alone. However, seeking out the support that we need from others often overwhelms and intimidates us. We don’t want to be judged; we don’t want to be a burden; we don’t want others to really, truly know how bad we feel. So, we put on our “I’m okay” face, and move through our days as if we’re fine. If we do reach out for help or understanding, we often discover that our support people might not be who we expected them to be. Other family members are likely grieving themselves. Their relationship with the person who died may have been different than ours, more complicated, or less close. Additionally, our friends and others close to us find it very difficult to witness our pain. They try to cheer us up, distract us, prod us to “…move on… let go… get over it…” These are just a few of the reasons that so many describe grief as such a lonely place—even within their immediate family and close friends.
 
Often, we need to seek support from outside our immediate circle which, again, is counter-intuitive and in itself a daunting prospect. However, the support found in a grief support group can be surprisingly comforting, as members of the group instinctively understand the emotional experience of loss without judgment. The group experience can often provide the unconditional support we need to process our grief on our own terms.
 
The culmination of our grief work is the ability to acknowledge all that our loved one has meant to us, the influence that our relationship with them has had on us; understanding how our loss informs who we are now. And, finally, how we take that new sense of who we are—after loss—into our own future.
 
You don’t heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes;
you heal because of what you do with the time.   ~ Carol Crandall

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You continue to battle the fog with every additional cup of coffee but it never seems to disappear.

​You flit from one thing to the next, without accomplishing much.  There are missed appointments, lost items, sticky notes everywhere reminding you to do things that you have little motivation to do. Your home is such a disorganized mess that an unexpected visitor would bring panic and shame. Your spouse is constantly upset and irritated that you don’t get anything done while he is away at work. He doesn’t understand that drawing and music are the things that bring you joy so you focus there rather than on the mundane tasks of running a household.  More shame.

There is a nagging sense that you were meant for something more; you have somehow greatly underachieved. You are weary; feeling like a failure. You wonder why others accomplish so much more. All of this leaves you anxious and depressed.
 
You have been seeing a counselor for your depression and anxiety. As you share your symptoms, the counselor wonders if you know anything about ADHD. You identify with the symptoms and the more you read and learn the more you realize that this has been your life.
 
There is an “aha” moment of discovery that feels like such relief.

Finally, you can begin to make sense of your lifelong struggles, shame and guilt. You begin to realize maybe you really aren’t stupid and how your difficulty with focus and organization may have been the cause of your poor grades.  Perhaps that “lazy” label your parents and teachers attached to you really isn’t true as you learn more about how your brain is wired and how it is lacking in those neurotransmitters that are related to focus and motivation.

Maybe this isn’t a moral problem (“you need to try harder and have more discipline”) but a neurological problem. There is great relief in this new way of thinking about yourself. Maybe you are not really a scatterbrain. Perhaps you don’t have to be the person who is always late, always interrupting and talking incessantly. The thought that perhaps you could actually get things done is so wonderful!
 
You try medication and in some miraculous way the fog is lifted. You can think clearly. You have motivation. You have arrived at least to the starting line with everyone else.
 
But there is a sadness, a grief over what could have been. What if I you had understood the ADHD while you were in school, maybe you could have achieved more, gone to college, had a better job?  What would it have been like to accomplish what you intended and to actually plan ahead? Could you have kept those friends who left because you never reciprocated?  What would life have been like if your home was well-organized, your children didn’t have to share in the shame of missed appointments or field trip permission slips not turned in? What books have you missed reading and what have you not learned simply because you didn’t have sustained focus?
 
Perhaps you, the reader can in some way identify with this story. A professional counselor can help. If you have ADHD/ADD medication alone is not enough to make changes. Coaching and counseling together with medication can bring about amazing changes so that the grief can pass and a new life emerge. There is hope for you to be all you were intended to be! 

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Whether your kids are returning to the classroom, virtual learning or a hybrid of both one thing is for certain, this school year will be unlike any we have experienced.

As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in what needs to happen to prepare for this unprecedented academic year but more than ever, it’s essential to stop and check-in with your kids.

The pandemic has been especially difficult for young people. They have been socially isolated from their friends, other family members as well as their teachers. They have not been able to participate in sports, academic, or social clubs for months and now they are about to begin an uncertain school year. It doesn’t matter if they are in college or starting middle school, just take some time to see how they feel about all the changes taking place. How do they feel about wearing a mask all day? Are they anxious about possibly getting sick? Will things ever be the same?

​These are all justified concerns and warrant a discussion.
  
Begin by listening and validating their concerns. Normalize their anxiety.  Help them see what they can control. For example, explain to them that they can minimize their chances of infection by wearing a mask or avoiding crowds. Offer a different perspective by focusing on the positive. Encourage them to journal, enjoy their hobbies or activities that help them relax. The most important thing you can do is let them know is that you are here for them.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

So much is broken in our world. There is injustice, sickness and job loss. Relationships are broken.  We feel isolated, fearful, angry and even despairing. Listening can be a powerful force for healing these problems.
 
Listening well gives us insight into another’s perspective and can change incorrect assumptions that lead to anger. It can make us more aware of how others are being treated or experiencing life and hopefully bring forth greater empathy and compassion. Having someone listen to our pain somehow makes it feel a little better.

Talking about job loss can stimulate new ideas for work or career change. Listening can help those who are lonely. How life-giving it would be if we asked, “what must life be like for …?”, and then were intentional about asking! Having someone help us name our fears and explore them often makes them seem less powerful and more manageable. When they stay inside, they can become more irrational and terrifying.
 
Perhaps you don’t have someone in your life who listens well. A good professional counselor will listen well with the intention to understand.
 
The most powerful listening occurs when we listen to the One who created us. He can change our hearts, bring healing to our broken relationships, and set us free from anger and fear. He can provide direction and turn our despair into hope. The Creator desires to use us to facilitate healing. He had a reason for giving us two ears and one mouth.

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Raising teenagers is challenging under the most normal circumstances.

​Throw in a pandemic, quarantine, and an abrupt end to the school year, and you have a trifecta of turmoil. During the ages of 13-17, it’s normal for our kids to pull away and spend less time with the family, but right now that separation is impossible. These kids have no choice but to retreat into the world of TikTok and Instagram. While this may be convenient and allows us to take care of business during the day, it can also become very isolating for our teens.  For many of us, not becoming the ‘phone police’ has been a challenge.  The anxiety comes from being aware of everything our teens’ impressionable minds have access to on the internet, and the endless amount of free time they now have available to them.
 
While our concern is justified, this is a chance for us to sit down with our kids and learn about what their cyber world looks like. What are their interests? Who do they choose to follow, and why?  After all, these platforms have a lot of influence over our kids’ thoughts and feelings, not only about the world but, about themselves.  While some of this information can help kids escape from loneliness and stay connected with their peers, some of it may also increase their anxiety. Connecting with your kids over their social media is a great way to begin those tricky conversations and help alleviate some of your concerns.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In this pandemic quarantine we are experiencing loss in multiple ways. The impact this pandemic is having on so many is hard, and for brides and grooms it’s especially difficult. After months of planning, saving and dreaming of their wedding day, they are having to cancel, postpone or scale it back to immediate family. It is a lot of effort to plan a wedding, and the sudden cancellation of it is justifiably painful. However, this situation might also present an opportunity.
 
When a couple moves closer to their wedding day, discussions tend to focus on wedding details. What is often missed is how they are doing in their relationship. How do they communicate and resolve issues? Are they able to discuss hurt and misunderstandings that occur? Do they feel emotionally connected or dismissed and discounted? Are there healthy boundaries for both families equally or is one set of parents running over the couple? Unfortunately, as the wedding approaches, these concerns get pushed to the back burner to be addressed later, if at all.
 
Although the cancellation of the big event brings its own stress, hopefully it allows the focus to return to their relationship. How do they handle disappointment? Are they still excited to get married without the big party? Do they feel supported by the other in their stress? No matter when you are getting married, if you recognize your relationship could use some help, please reach out to a professional for pre-marital counseling.

Healthy and long-lasting relationships are more important than beautiful weddings.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Just saw a funny meme that said, “For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or are they going to relocate us?”

Perhaps some of you have had similar thoughts about your spouse. You wonder how you can make your marriage work so that a second quarantine could be more enjoyable. The quarantine has a way of shining its light on the holes and hurts in your marriage. Problems that have been placed on the back burner when life was busy are now coming to the forefront. The disconnect in your marriage is only adding to your overall anxiety during this pandemic.
 
The quarantine light is revealing lots of new things, many not so good: new views of your spouse at work, maybe working too much or too little. Their messy work space has invaded your peaceful gathering place for dinner. There is an underlying tension and irritability between you and your spouse that goes beyond the current tension of a barking dog or noisy kids during a business call.
 
For those whose work has been deemed “non-essential”, the stress of lost income, fear of not having a job to return to, or the lost hope of reopening a business you have spent years building, all add a new level of stress. You may be fearful, depressed, irritable and anxious; perhaps sleeping too much or too little, eating too much or not enough, wondering if life will ever be the same?
 
But there’s something more going on than the common pandemic stressors.  Just being in your spouse’s presence causes feelings of irritability and sadness. Destructive habits of criticism and withdrawal from each other have become the norm. Apathy has set in. Walls have been erected. What has happened to your early love? Years of neglect, unresolved hurts and unforgiveness cause the heart to grow cold. 
 
What can you do? Is it possible to have this time of quarantine be a life-changer for your marriage? Absolutely!
 
START WITH YOURSELF:
Ask the Lord to show you all the ways you have hurt your spouse. Write them down. Ask Him to help you feel grief for all those hurts. Ask Him to forgive you. Then go to your spouse with your list and ask if there are more ways you have been hurtful. Listen to the hurts. Ask for forgiveness. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Extending grace and forgiveness to each other is key to the healing process.
 
COMMIT TO A NEW START:
Assume the best about each other. Imagine what this time is like for your spouse. Encourage conversation and pour out extra love and patience. It may just return in twofold measure.

Filling up your gas tank lately has been easy on the pocketbook. Filling up your spouse’s love tank will cost you very little and nothing else will yield a higher return of happiness. If you don’t know your spouse’s love language, find out at 5lovelanguages.com. Then, be intentional about expressing love in their love language, even if you don’t feel it at first.
                   
Your marriage may be the one stressor you can control in this crisis, with some humility, forgiveness and effort. A few sessions with a professional counselor may speed the process. Video or phone counseling at this time can be very effective and there is still time before we return to normal. The good news is that your marriage will not just return to the way it was, but can emerge much stronger than ever before.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

What to say that is new or different about our current circumstances of social distancing and self-quarantine? I feel I’ve been bombarded with emails, text messages, blog posts, and professionals of every kind offering me advice on everything from how to properly wash my hands to “quarantine recipes” to at-home exercise tips. Enough already. I’m overwhelmed.
 
I’ve given a lot of thought to this from my own perspective as well as, the perspective of how best to help my clients?
 
What I’ve concluded is that what might be helpful is to just simply… allow.
 
Allow yourself to feel sad, to grieve all that you’re missing out on right now. Everything about our life today was unimaginable just a few short weeks ago. We are adjusting and accommodating to a new way of thinking and doing across every aspect of our day.
 
Allow for the space you need to just… be. The emotional burden we are all bearing is profound. While we might think that we have all this extra time to do this (exercise) and do that (tackle home projects), the reality is that our minds and hearts are burdened right now. And allowing ourselves to just be is not only okay--it is necessary.
 
Allow for worry. I frequently caution my clients that worry about the future robs us of today. I also encourage clients to engage in mindfulness, which to the focus of your awareness on the present moment.
 
But now, who in the world isn’t worrying about their future? And, doesn’t it feel impossible to ‘stay in the moment’ of whatever we are doing when our health, our relationships, our children’s educations, our jobs, our very way of life are all at risk of irreparable change? Worry about the future makes a lot of sense to me right now.
 
So, what I’ve come to realize is that some of the ‘rules’ that I’ve had for myself, and have espoused to my clients for years, don’t seem to apply right now. I’ve also heard some refer to this as our “new normal.” I don’t think so. This is not any kind of normal! We are in a constant state of uncertainty, fear, and speculation. Maybe, just maybe, we will reach a new normal when we’ve come through to the other side of this virus pandemic. Until then, we need to throw out any notion of normalcy.

Sadness, grief, a need for acknowledging our stress and our anxiety and our worry…. Sounds pretty somber, right? So, let me add a few other ideas that we can allow for…
 
Allow for dreams about all the things that we want to get back to—and maybe even do differently or better—when we can. We each have the opportunity to thoughtfully consider how we will re-engage with our loved ones, folks we work with, and our neighbors and friends. We will be able to approach past relationship challenges with a new perspective, one born out of time to really reflect and evaluate. We can choose to enact changes in our own way of being with others in our lives.
 
Allow for anticipation of seeing family and friends again… and for celebrating! There have been so many missed occasions – birthdays, anniversaries, vacations, weddings, births... So much to catch up on, so many people to spend time with, so many opportunities to reconnect. It’s a lot to look forward to, really.
 
Allow for possibilities. The possibility that as a community, and as a nation, we have learned so much about what we are made of. We will have been reminded (just as we were after 9/11) of the power and the goodness of every American to come together when we need each other most.
 
Allow for the possibility that the way we view our children’s educations, the way in which we accomplish our work, and the manner in which we tackle immense challenges may all shift for the better, and in ways we cannot imagine right now. Think about advances in remote learning for our kids. Or, perhaps we’ll see a shift in new home design that supports a range of creative work-at-home environments. Certainly, our leaders and medical professionals will be more proactive with efforts to anticipate and better prepare for this type of crisis in the future.
 
Lastly, allow for the possibility that we will all come out of this with a renewed sense of purpose for ourselves and our community; a more defined commitment to supporting others who struggle or are in need; and a much deeper sense of gratitude for all that we may have taken for granted before.
 
Finally, if my thoughts expressed here make sense to you, I encourage you to simply allow yourself to feel every feeling and acknowledge every concern that invades your mind. However, please also allow for the hopes, the dreams, the anticipation, and the possibilities that await us when we are able to move beyond our current circumstances. This too shall pass.