by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

I am a counselor. I help people resolve conflicts daily. But no matter how experienced you are on this topic, it can be very challenging to handle it well at times.
 
I recently had a tough conversation with someone I care about. The flood of emotions I felt during and after our discussion went something like this: I felt wrongly accused and hurt that someone I thought was safe was turning against me; I felt misunderstood and unfairly judged when I tried to explain my perspective.
 
I alternated between wanting to cry and feeling really mad. In hindsight, I recognized that I had violated the “Rules for Fighting Fair” that I have shared with my clients hundreds of times. It all felt very muddy and confusing. Why couldn’t I be understood? Why was it so hard to stay calm when I know that it is much more helpful to do so? I realized that the conversation went on longer than was productive. I struggled to validate the other person’s point of view as I did not feel validated myself. We got stuck.
 
I thought about how a counselor would be helpful in this situation. An emotionally uninvolved and objective counselor is able to reflect more clearly on a situation than someone who is upset and hurting. Do you find yourself feeling “stuck” regularly in a certain relationship? If so, a counselor can help sort it out from an unbiased perspective and bring clarity and relief from the frustration and hurt.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Sin. Not a popular topic to discuss at a dinner party or really anywhere else. Not so for the followers of Christ; it is something we should be considering on a daily basis.

Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

How is the discussion of sin relevant in Christian counseling? Our sin affects our mental and spiritual health. Unless it is confessed, our guilt and shame can cause a distance between us and God and others. Harsh words, self-centeredness and anger all take their toll on our relationships. Unconfessed sin causes us to lose our joy and peace. Guilt and shame can cause us to be anxious, angry or depressed. Considering our own sin is essential to our relationship with God and to each other. When we do not turn from it, it can destroy us and those around us. Many have suffered because of the sins of others.

We were designed to be in a right relationship with our Creator, and when we are, other relationships tend to go better; broken relationships can be healed.

The good news about this sin stuff is that when we admit it, He forgives it. Yes, this is certainly a topic that can come up in a Christian counseling session. Oh what joy when it is discovered, confessed and forgiven!

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

The decision to end your marriage — whether a long time coming or the result of an irreconcilable event — brings with it a range of emotions, frustrations, and logistics that few can fully anticipate. The emotional support provided by a caring counselor can make the difference between merely “surviving” and navigating through your divorce with the ability to heal and move forward into your new future.

First, counseling offers you the opportunity to tell your story again and again to a listener who is not involved. The need to tell your story is important to understand. Each time you tell your story, you create the opportunity for a different aspect of your experience to resonate for yourself. As you process with words the range of images, memories, and emotions you have endured, different features of these visceral experiences will become a bit more tolerable. Hearing your own words about what happened ‘hit the air’ can take some of the punch out of them.

One aspect of initiating a divorce that is often stressful is what and how to tell family and friends about what happened. Discussing it first with a counselor can provide insight into how best to inform those around you—who likely have their own opinions about your marriage and your decision to divorce!

Counseling also provides an outlet for expressing your darkest feelings. As a counselor, I often refer to our emotional worlds as consisting of our good feelings and thoughts, our bad feelings and thoughts, and our really ugly feelings and thoughts! We rarely reveal our ugly parts for fear that we will frighten those around us. Sometimes, they are even too scary for us to really acknowledge and express out loud. Sitting with a counselor provides the opportunity to speak your ugliest, darkest fears, express your intense rage, and your deepest despair. Unlike confiding in your family or close friends, you don’t need to worry that you are overwhelming your counselor. It is—quite simply—an emotionally safe place.

Counseling allows you to “sit” with your feelings for as long as you need. The divorce process is often times a slow one—both emotionally and legally. Family and friends may grow impatient with you because it is very difficult to see someone they care about suffering. Many around you will try to “cheer you up,” distract you, or—in very subtle ways—convey that your emotions are too intense for them.

The animosity and hostility that are often features of a divorce proceeding are unfortunately, often fueled by the attorneys involved and by the requirements of the court system itself. It can be very confusing, especially when you may have silently vowed to conduct yourself with integrity and humility, only to be encouraged to “get all you can get” by an overzealous attorney. Attending counseling during this time can provide accountability for staying true to yourself through this arduous process.

Divorce is essentially a grief journey. You are grieving the life you had and the future you had imagined. With grief comes the need for adapting to the changes ahead and allowing yourself to thoroughly feel all those emotions of loss. Managing on one income, moving into a different home, and—most significantly—enduring drastic changes in your time spent with your children are just a few examples of required restructuring of your life that can often seem impossible. Counseling can provide a space and the time to sort through it all outside of your own head.

After the grief… comes the learning. Following the emotional upheaval and recovery, comes the opportunity to consider your own mistakes, misunderstandings, and behaviors that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage. Recognizing and “owning” your part in it allows you to understand how you will do it differently moving forward into a future relationship. This awareness, insight, and heightened understanding of what you need from a partner is vital to making healthy choices for yourself in the future.

As you emerge from your divorce experience and begin to rebuild your life, the continuing support provided by counseling can offer opportunities to try out new ideas and consider new possibilities. This ongoing process allows you to acquire a new perspective unencumbered by the vested interest of family and friends.

It is possible to not only survive your divorce, but to come out the other side with a stronger sense of who you are, what you need, and a wisdom born of enduring one of life’s most difficult challenges. The emotional support and unconditional counsel of a caring professional can assist you every step of the way.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Are you struggling to connect with your teen? That might be like asking, “Is the sky blue?!” Parenting a teen is different than in their younger years. However, they are craving to feel love and acceptance from their parents now more than ever.  As parents, we sometimes focus on their mistakes and think our corrections will help them mature. However, the foundation of our relationship with them still needs to be one of love. Teens will be more responsive to your attempts to connect with them if you are speaking in the love language that means the most to them. Each of us responds more to one than the others. It is important to know how your teen feels most loved by you.
 
Here are the five love languages of teens as identified by Gary Chapman, PhD:
 
Words of Affirmation
Teens are searching for their identity and comparing themselves to their peers every day. As parents, we have the opportunity to pour sincere affirmation into them. It can be about their accomplishments, but also let it be about appreciation for their efforts. Let them know you are proud of them for who they are, not just for what they did. Speak words of affection to them. Regular criticism is devastating for a teen with this love language.
 
Quality Time
Teens actually do desire to spend time with their family. If this is their love language, they want your undistracted attention. A common complaint from teens about their parents is that they are not listened to. Their parents are too busy to spend time with them. Put down the phones, share mealtimes, attend their activities and let them know you value their company. Broken promises on time together signal they are not a priority.
 
Touch
If they were the kid who always wanted a hug or a snuggle, they probably still do—but the rules have changed a bit. Continue to hug or pat on the back but NOT in front of their peers. Dads need to still hug their daughters. If this is their love language and they are not receiving it at home, they will look elsewhere for touch.
 
Acts of Service
Some teens feel loved when their parents are willing to help them out. This could mean teaching them a skill like working on a car, taking them to practice or cheerfully assisting with homework. If a teen is helped out begrudgingly, it will not fill their love tank. Some teens take all the support from their parents for granted. However, if it is their love language, they really see it as an expression of love and feel valued by it.
 
Gifts
The key to loving your teen through gifts is to show that you know them well and you were thinking about them. It is not about giving them expensive items to buy their love. If your teen is a budding artist and you bring home a set of paints and brushes from the garage sale, it says you know her and care about her interests. If your son is trying to learn golf, a new glove and golf balls says you’re tuned into his world. Additionally, forgotten birthdays or celebrations will hurt more deeply for this teen.
 
If we love our teens in their love language during middle school and early high school, they will still be in relationship with us by the time they learn to drive. If they have not felt their parents invested time or positive interactions with them by then, they will choose every opportunity to be with their friends when they do begin driving. All teens want a lot of time with their friends. But we have the opportunity as parents to love them, show them we value them, so they will desire a respectful and positive relationship with us throughout their teen years.
 
For more information on this subject, I recommend Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

How can a child who is so full of life, energy, fun and creativity cause you, as his parent, to feel so exhausted, frustrated and angry? A child with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) can bring both delight and despair.

The incessant talking, constant movement and inability to settle down at night to sleep can be exhausting. He may have a laser focus on what he loves to do, but the struggle to complete homework may be a battle you are tired of fighting. Even when the homework gets done, it is often forgotten under his bed or left in his backpack. You know his grades do not reflect his ability. You are weary of hearing things like, “Johnny is underachieving. If only he tried harder,” from his teachers.

You probably have felt criticized by other parents who hint at things like, “if he only had more discipline.” Your frustration goes beyond words.  His room is a disaster. You are angry when after you tell him to clean it, he surfaces hours later all excited about the new Lego robot he just created (which really is AMAZING). Nagging isn’t working. Your child is not disobedient. He really doesn’t hear you at times and is easily distracted.

Parenting a child with ADHD does not have to be an exhausting, frustrating, and lonely journey. There is help. You may want to start with an ADHD counselor who understands your child’s unique wiring and can help him—and you—achieve success.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Receiving disappointing or unexpected news about our own lives happens all the time: we didn’t get the promotion, we didn’t pass the exam, the rent is going up, our company is downsizing, our best friend is moving away…

Intellectually, we understand that our lives will be filled with inevitable ups and downs; seasons of prosperity and seasons of ‘tightening the belt.’ Yet when it happens—we often feel like we had been waiting all along for the other shoe to drop. We become bogged down with fear, worry, and sleepless nights as we catastrophize through all of our worst case scenarios.

These types of unexpected pushes toward change that we hadn’t planned on call for us to figure out—very quickly—how to cope with our new circumstances. First we cry, get angry, or deny what is happening. Once the initial shock has passed, we are forced to consider our options for moving forward and accommodating this challenging news. Overwhelmed and fearful, it can be difficult to gain an objective perspective of our own predicament, or even know where to begin.

The assistance of a caring counselor can ease the shock, offer perspective, and illuminate options for ‘next steps.’ A friend once told me that finally going to see a counselor was the best “gift” she had ever given herself. In the face of unforeseen change in our lives, a few visits with a supportive counselor can make all the difference in how you navigate new plans for your future.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and many are feeling disappointed with their experience. He didn’t sweep her off her feet as she had envisioned, and she wasn’t into being a lingerie runway model as he had fantasized. That is what our culture tells us Valentine’s Day is about… gifts, romance, an expensive dinner and incredible sexual intimacy to top it all off.

Those expectations set most of us up for disappointment since they are based on superficial symbols of love. It’s like we buy into the hype; if we have a good Valentine’s Day, all is well in our relationship. And if it falls short, we must have a problem.

But what about the heart of love? I don’t mean the chocolate kind, I mean the putting each other first, I want to know you deeply kind of love that lasts more than just one day in February. When we define our love as what we receive from the other, we are destined for dissatisfaction because we are using the wrong model. The best model ever given was written two thousand years ago.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Most of us would trade in a lot of chocolate and roses for a relationship that followed this model:

She forgot to pick up the dry cleaning? He patiently and kindly says he can get it on his way home tomorrow. She receives a bonus at work? He celebrates her big news without a hint of envy or thoughts of himself. He lost weight while she is struggling to do so? He will not rub that in her face or make her feel badly about herself. They get in a fight? They are not too proud to say I’m sorry. Other wives at the party are tearing down their husbands? She affirms what she admires about him in front of others. She asks about his day and listens closely before talking about hers. She chooses to hold her tongue from angry words when he is late for dinner. He does not list all the times she has let him down. She does not look for ways to condemn him; she looks for opportunities to build him up. He will stand up for her to his family.  They will not need to check each other’s phones because they trust each other. They don’t threaten divorce; they say we are going to make it. They make mistakes in their relationship and they commit to taking responsibility and growing stronger as a couple.

This is the kind of love that wakes up each day committed to the other in ways large and small. This is the kind of love that recognizes the damage of hurtful words and strives for the self-control not to say them. This love sacrifices her first choice of taking a hot bath to watch a hockey game with her husband when he asks. This love says I find you more attractive than anyone else, and I desire you. This love is strengthened by asking God to guide their relationship and seeks his help in difficult times. This love says if we are struggling, let’s find support through our church, mentor or counselor rather than building a wall between us.

I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. But if you didn’t, there are 364 days left in the year to apply this model that will have a far deeper impact on your relationship.

 Happy Day after Valentine’s Day!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

God has given us a voice to express our thoughts, opinions and feelings. For some of us, people or events in our lives have led us to believe that we must remain silent; that we have no right to our own opinions or feelings; that we are unworthy of being heard and incapable of making our own decisions.

This silencing can cause confusion, self-doubt, depression and an inability to function as a confident, capable adult. Who are these thieves? They may be parents or other family members. Perhaps a classmate from the past, a boss, or an abuser has silenced you. Fear or a desire to please could lead us to give another this power.

How do we regain our voice, even after years of silence and confusion?  By beginning to gain clarity on what has happened, by talking about it, perhaps with a professional counselor. The beginning of healing is understanding that no person or circumstance can have power over us unless we allow it.

The path to freedom begins with understanding the truth about ourselves and the person or circumstance that seemingly stole our voice.  The next steps involve the intentional use of our voice. Perhaps even confronting the thief and explaining that what happened was hurtful and that you are putting an end to this unhealthy dynamic. The more you practice using your voice, by making decisions and expressing your thoughts, the more natural it will become and the freer you will feel.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Let’s imagine that you have healed from divorce, spent considerable time adjusting to life as a single co-parent with your ex, and have finally begun to consider your own future with someone new. As you begin dating again, you realize that most of the people you meet are also parents themselves.

Now let’s imagine that after a considerable amount of time dating, and discussing all that you each want to do differently the second time around, you conclude that you have found “the one,” and you begin to seriously consider a long-term future together.

You’ve likely introduced the children, had some fun experiences, and shared a few memorable beginnings together as a new “family.” Seems like it’s all going to work out, right?

Well, this is where it gets messy, because those exciting feelings of new love often cloud each parent’s ability to recognize the very real challenges their future will hold for their children.

As a family counselor working with blended families, I often witness parents respond with shock when they begin to address the challenges of loving someone else’s child(ren), managing the logistics of multiple custody and visitation schedules, and facing the harsh reality that their kids haven’t all “fallen in love” too!

This situation requires adults who are patient, realistic, and able to selflessly prioritize the needs and feelings of each of their children--together. The consideration and effort exerted on behalf of the kids will assure each of them of their value in their new blended family.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Good shame doesn’t destroy; it convicts us of wrong. Bad shame slowly sucks the life out of us. It steals our joy and silences us. It can make us feel small, dirty, and unworthy. It is a voice inside that speaks loudly and tells us things that aren’t true, like we are to blame.

Sexual harassment, abuse, or bullying can make the victim feel shame. The longer silence keeps us captive, the more powerful the lies become.

What wrong did the victim commit? Some believe there is something about them that attracts predators. Others believe they did something to deserve the treatment. Keeping silent only keeps the victim in a state of shame and confusion. Misplaced shame is like a predator in the animal kingdom: it kills and eats its prey. When we are filled with bad shame, our spirits are killed; our sense of dignity is compromised. We can lose our perspective of who we are and as a result, we have little ability to interact with others because we feel so damaged.

Bringing the abuse out in the open, talking about it, especially with an individual counselor can be very healing. Shame begins to lose its power when its lies are brought into the light.

No, it wasn’t your fault. No, you didn’t deserve to be treated so horribly. No, you are not small or unworthy because of the despicable actions of another.

Speaking about the shameful act brings life and healing and a restored sense of self.