by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

C​ommunication is important in any relationship, and the delivery of the message makes all the difference. Imagine you’ve been feeling frustrated by your spouse, parent, or friend and you have finally decided that you’re going to let them know just how you feel.  You march right into the room, ready to let your grievances be heard but, you’re met with resistance, anger, or worse--complete silence. The outcome isn’t what you expected and now you’re even more frustrated and angry.
 
This scenario is all too common and often leads to a breakdown in communication. What I tell all of my clients, as well as my own kids, is that It’s not only WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.
 
Choosing your words wisely, along with your tone of voice, can make all the difference in how your message will be received.  If a person feels like they are being attacked they will simply stop listening. It’s important to be clear with what you would like to say. So instead of, “I’m sick of you not helping around the house” try, “I feel very overwhelmed with all the household responsibilities. Do you think we could divide some of the chores between us?”
 
It may not always be easy to voice your grievances calmly, especially in the heat of the moment. But if what you are trying to say is truly important to you, it is more constructive to be clear, and calm and to choose your words wisely.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

For all the challenging changes in our lives due to the Coronavirus, it presents some opportunities as well. How often did we used to say, “If only I had more time, I would...”? If I only had more time I would exercise regularly, connect with my kids more, talk to my spouse more, cook healthier meals, etc. Well, many of us have stopped having to commute to work and are working from home. I acknowledge that parents of school age kids find themselves with more on their plate than less. But for the rest of us, here we are with extra time in our day and more time for those ideal activities. How many of them have you started?
 
When it comes to connecting with our family members more, it is useful to first examine how we typically communicate with them. Do we listen and let them finish their thought before jumping in with our thoughts or solution? Do we ask questions to clarify their perspective so they know we are invested in truly hearing and understanding them before we begin speaking? People are drawn to relationships where they feel heard. Do you have any relationships where you wish they were seeking you a bit more? Perhaps it is worth evaluating your listening skills to see if there is room for improvement.
 
Another area that puts the disconnect in family dynamics is criticism. As parents, it is our role to instruct and prepare our children and teens to become independent, functioning members of society. Unfortunately, many parents see that as a license to criticize and correct all day long. Think about your best boss. They probably knew how to encourage your best work rather than criticize you repeatedly to get it. Again, evaluate yourself honestly in your relationships and listen to the words and tone you use. Would you feel encouraged or condemned? Are you sarcastic at their expense? We have the option to focus on critiquing the behavior we don’t want, or cast a positive vision for the behavior we do want. Instead of, “Your room is such a mess. No one will want to live with you when you leave this house.” You could try, “I would like you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket each night before bed please.” Instead of, “I’m sick of all your dishes on the counter”, you could say, “everyone is responsible for putting their dishes in the dishwasher”. Then mean it. If dishes aren’t going into the dishwasher, have a family conversation with respect and discuss the dilemma and how to solve it. You’re modeling best boss practices enlisting others to help solve the problem, so they have a desire to participate in the solution.
 
When you do see your family members doing something positive, mention it to them in words of affirmation or appreciation. “I noticed you took out the trash without being reminded. Way to go.” “I saw you working to finish your homework before playing video games yesterday. Nice job.” It is human instinct to repeat the behavior we are rewarded for. When people feel noticed and affirmed for positive contributions to the household, they want to do it more often. “Thanks for driving Johnny to soccer practice. It really helped me out.”
 
These are days we might never get back again! What if this time of staying home from public events and hanging out at the home front could be a time of improved communication, closer relationships and even more fun? There are games to be played, walks to be taken, conversations to begin, meals to make together that could all add up to sweeter connections than ever before.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

2020 hasn’t exactly been a year of structure and stability.

​While the loss of these factors in our lives is difficult for everyone, it is perhaps even more of a struggle for children. In most cases, the foundations of their lives have been upended, which can lead to a lot of confusing emotions and few places to put them. If your child has been “acting out” more than usual lately, here is a simple strategy you can use to deescalate the situation and help them process their emotions.
 
The first and most important steps are to listen and validate what they are feeling. This helps your child feel heard and builds their emotional intelligence, so they are better equipped to respond to their emotions in the future. After asking about or interpreting the emotion your child is feeling, you could try some phrases like these to validate them:
 
“I can see that you feel *emotion* right now. Being *emotion* is okay.”
“What happened that made you *emotion*?”
“I would be *emotion* too if that happened to me.”
 
Once you’ve listened and validated, you will have created a much more productive space to then guide your child in the right direction behaviorally. You could follow up your validation by reminding your child that you love them, but you don’t like _____            behavior, and offering them some alternatives. This strategy will not only help reduce the behaviors you don’t want from your child, but more importantly, help them feel heard and supported.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Navigating the anguish, despair, and emotional pain of the loss of someone we love through death is NOT a passive experience. Our loved one’s death is an event. Grief work is defined as the process by which we come to terms with that event. This work requires many intentional and arduous tasks.
 
First, we must open ourselves up and embrace the emotional pain as it floods our mind, our body and our soul. This vulnerability of opening ourselves up to emotional pain is counter-intuitive to our instinct, which usually guides us to avoid pain as much as possible. However, there is no detour, no bypass around grief. The pain must be endured until it becomes thoroughly familiar. This is perhaps the single most challenging aspect of grief work. No one wants to embrace emotional pain forever. And so, we ask relentlessly, “When will it end?”
 
We must seek out those who will listen to and give us permission to talk about our loss as much--and for as long—as we need. Telling our story is a vital task of grief work. Telling our story can be anything from sharing the memory of our last time spent with our loved one, where we were and what we were doing when we got the news of their death, or the details and timeline of their diagnosis and their medical history, our experience of being present at the time of their death, the joy they brought to our life and the love we had for them. Or, our story may be about the challenges we had in the relationship, the regrets we have, or the guilt we bear for not addressing issues when we had the chance to do so. Certainly, any ‘unfinished business’ we feel we had with our loved one needs to be heard and processed in order for us to now find forgiveness or resolution unilaterally. Each time we tell our story, a new and different aspect of our loss resonates within us. As we gain perspective from telling our story, we are able to slowly adapt to the changes that are the inevitable result of our loss.
 
We do not need to grieve alone. However, seeking out the support that we need from others often overwhelms and intimidates us. We don’t want to be judged; we don’t want to be a burden; we don’t want others to really, truly know how bad we feel. So, we put on our “I’m okay” face, and move through our days as if we’re fine. If we do reach out for help or understanding, we often discover that our support people might not be who we expected them to be. Other family members are likely grieving themselves. Their relationship with the person who died may have been different than ours, more complicated, or less close. Additionally, our friends and others close to us find it very difficult to witness our pain. They try to cheer us up, distract us, prod us to “…move on… let go… get over it…” These are just a few of the reasons that so many describe grief as such a lonely place—even within their immediate family and close friends.
 
Often, we need to seek support from outside our immediate circle which, again, is counter-intuitive and in itself a daunting prospect. However, the support found in a grief support group can be surprisingly comforting, as members of the group instinctively understand the emotional experience of loss without judgment. The group experience can often provide the unconditional support we need to process our grief on our own terms.
 
The culmination of our grief work is the ability to acknowledge all that our loved one has meant to us, the influence that our relationship with them has had on us; understanding how our loss informs who we are now. And, finally, how we take that new sense of who we are—after loss—into our own future.
 
You don’t heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes;
you heal because of what you do with the time.   ~ Carol Crandall

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You continue to battle the fog with every additional cup of coffee but it never seems to disappear.

​You flit from one thing to the next, without accomplishing much.  There are missed appointments, lost items, sticky notes everywhere reminding you to do things that you have little motivation to do. Your home is such a disorganized mess that an unexpected visitor would bring panic and shame. Your spouse is constantly upset and irritated that you don’t get anything done while he is away at work. He doesn’t understand that drawing and music are the things that bring you joy so you focus there rather than on the mundane tasks of running a household.  More shame.

There is a nagging sense that you were meant for something more; you have somehow greatly underachieved. You are weary; feeling like a failure. You wonder why others accomplish so much more. All of this leaves you anxious and depressed.
 
You have been seeing a counselor for your depression and anxiety. As you share your symptoms, the counselor wonders if you know anything about ADHD. You identify with the symptoms and the more you read and learn the more you realize that this has been your life.
 
There is an “aha” moment of discovery that feels like such relief.

Finally, you can begin to make sense of your lifelong struggles, shame and guilt. You begin to realize maybe you really aren’t stupid and how your difficulty with focus and organization may have been the cause of your poor grades.  Perhaps that “lazy” label your parents and teachers attached to you really isn’t true as you learn more about how your brain is wired and how it is lacking in those neurotransmitters that are related to focus and motivation.

Maybe this isn’t a moral problem (“you need to try harder and have more discipline”) but a neurological problem. There is great relief in this new way of thinking about yourself. Maybe you are not really a scatterbrain. Perhaps you don’t have to be the person who is always late, always interrupting and talking incessantly. The thought that perhaps you could actually get things done is so wonderful!
 
You try medication and in some miraculous way the fog is lifted. You can think clearly. You have motivation. You have arrived at least to the starting line with everyone else.
 
But there is a sadness, a grief over what could have been. What if I you had understood the ADHD while you were in school, maybe you could have achieved more, gone to college, had a better job?  What would it have been like to accomplish what you intended and to actually plan ahead? Could you have kept those friends who left because you never reciprocated?  What would life have been like if your home was well-organized, your children didn’t have to share in the shame of missed appointments or field trip permission slips not turned in? What books have you missed reading and what have you not learned simply because you didn’t have sustained focus?
 
Perhaps you, the reader can in some way identify with this story. A professional counselor can help. If you have ADHD/ADD medication alone is not enough to make changes. Coaching and counseling together with medication can bring about amazing changes so that the grief can pass and a new life emerge. There is hope for you to be all you were intended to be! 

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Whether your kids are returning to the classroom, virtual learning or a hybrid of both one thing is for certain, this school year will be unlike any we have experienced.

As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in what needs to happen to prepare for this unprecedented academic year but more than ever, it’s essential to stop and check-in with your kids.

The pandemic has been especially difficult for young people. They have been socially isolated from their friends, other family members as well as their teachers. They have not been able to participate in sports, academic, or social clubs for months and now they are about to begin an uncertain school year. It doesn’t matter if they are in college or starting middle school, just take some time to see how they feel about all the changes taking place. How do they feel about wearing a mask all day? Are they anxious about possibly getting sick? Will things ever be the same?

​These are all justified concerns and warrant a discussion.
  
Begin by listening and validating their concerns. Normalize their anxiety.  Help them see what they can control. For example, explain to them that they can minimize their chances of infection by wearing a mask or avoiding crowds. Offer a different perspective by focusing on the positive. Encourage them to journal, enjoy their hobbies or activities that help them relax. The most important thing you can do is let them know is that you are here for them.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

I  like to run.

I don’t go far, but I enjoy it. Toward the halfway point, there is a hill that usually leaves me struggling for air. I've noticed if I look far up the road and focus on the hill, it seems more daunting, even discouraging.  If I focus on the road just in front of me, I don’t notice the incline nearly as much. I can take it one step at a time and reach my goal. There are stretches of hot sun and shade on the road. Rather than dread the sun, I celebrate reaching the shady spots and feeling some relief. Sometimes I need to walk a short bit to catch my breath. I tell myself that a woman in her 50’s is allowed to take a breather here and there.
 
It occurred to me my running route is a lot like life. If I choose to focus on difficulties in the future, I will struggle more and feel discouraged. Or, I could handle what life has for me today, one step at a time. If I dread the hard days, they will probably be hard. You tend to find what you look for. Or, I could look for the good in each day and appreciate the people and situations that are part of that.

Sometimes life gets overwhelming, and we might need extra support or a break. It’s important to be gentle with ourselves, not critical, until we are ready to push forward again.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

​Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

W​e’ve made it to the first day of summer! The number of new COVID-19 cases and deaths are down and the trend is described as “hopeful.” There is talk about how our children may return to school this fall. All signs of our movement beyond the pandemic crisis are there, yet we feel anxious.
 
Our new reality includes seeing others in public in masks--or not. Being told to continue to physically distance from others yet--seeing those who do not abide by that ‘rule’. Feeling preoccupied with our body’s location in relation to others… wondering when they washed their hands last… questioning what we should touch… hearing every cough around us… wondering if is it safe to use a public restroom… and on and on…
 
These preoccupying thoughts and worries as we begin to move outside our safe cocoon can escalate our anxiety and sense of personal safety, even as we long for social re-engagement with others across the fabric of our day-to-day lives.
 
Ultimately, we must balance our personal need for connection with others with the very real knowledge that the virus is NOT eradicated. We have a responsibility to manage our activities in ways that honor our instincts to stay safe. Perhaps some re-engagement anxiety is not such a bad thing?  However, if you are feeling overwhelmed or surrounded by others who are taking all this less seriously than you are, consider talking to a caring counselor for assistance in managing this new--yet very real—anxiety.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

So much is broken in our world. There is injustice, sickness and job loss. Relationships are broken.  We feel isolated, fearful, angry and even despairing. Listening can be a powerful force for healing these problems.
 
Listening well gives us insight into another’s perspective and can change incorrect assumptions that lead to anger. It can make us more aware of how others are being treated or experiencing life and hopefully bring forth greater empathy and compassion. Having someone listen to our pain somehow makes it feel a little better.

Talking about job loss can stimulate new ideas for work or career change. Listening can help those who are lonely. How life-giving it would be if we asked, “what must life be like for …?”, and then were intentional about asking! Having someone help us name our fears and explore them often makes them seem less powerful and more manageable. When they stay inside, they can become more irrational and terrifying.
 
Perhaps you don’t have someone in your life who listens well. A good professional counselor will listen well with the intention to understand.
 
The most powerful listening occurs when we listen to the One who created us. He can change our hearts, bring healing to our broken relationships, and set us free from anger and fear. He can provide direction and turn our despair into hope. The Creator desires to use us to facilitate healing. He had a reason for giving us two ears and one mouth.

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Raising teenagers is challenging under the most normal circumstances.

​Throw in a pandemic, quarantine, and an abrupt end to the school year, and you have a trifecta of turmoil. During the ages of 13-17, it’s normal for our kids to pull away and spend less time with the family, but right now that separation is impossible. These kids have no choice but to retreat into the world of TikTok and Instagram. While this may be convenient and allows us to take care of business during the day, it can also become very isolating for our teens.  For many of us, not becoming the ‘phone police’ has been a challenge.  The anxiety comes from being aware of everything our teens’ impressionable minds have access to on the internet, and the endless amount of free time they now have available to them.
 
While our concern is justified, this is a chance for us to sit down with our kids and learn about what their cyber world looks like. What are their interests? Who do they choose to follow, and why?  After all, these platforms have a lot of influence over our kids’ thoughts and feelings, not only about the world but, about themselves.  While some of this information can help kids escape from loneliness and stay connected with their peers, some of it may also increase their anxiety. Connecting with your kids over their social media is a great way to begin those tricky conversations and help alleviate some of your concerns.