​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

The death of a loved one is often the most anguishing event of any individual’s life experience.

A sudden and unexpected death is often described to me as “…a gut punch… unbelievable… the bottom has fallen out of my world…” Even if the death is expected or had been long anticipated, the actual moment that we learn of the death can only be described as shocking, devastating, and often times surreal. We are immediately plunged into the tasks of mourning which involve notifying others, funeral planning, and managing others’ reactions and expressions of sympathy, which often feel shallow amidst our anguishing despair.
 
Our loved one’s physical absence is the first and most significant loss we have to navigate. His slippers are still by his chair, her coffee mug sits by the sink, or their last message to us is still in our voicemail box—but they’re not here… and never will be again. It is this unending absence that preoccupies our every moment in the immediate aftermath of their death.
 
In time, though, other equally profound losses begin to surface, and we become aware of the many additional layers of grief yet to come.
 
…that dreamed of vacation to Europe will never happen…
…he won’t walk me down the aisle on my wedding day…
…she’ll never meet my future children…
…I have to sell our home because I can’t afford to stay here alone…
…she managed all the finances… I don’t know where to begin…
 
This list—known as ‘secondary losses’—is long, and each of these losses can bring just as much sorrow as our loved one’s physical absence. What’s worse, these losses are not all apparent right away. They emerge slowly, over the course of the rest of our lives, and bring with them a fresh resurgence of despair and the need for continued grief work, often at a time when we may have thought we had gotten through the worst of it.
 
The most important feature of coping with all these secondary losses is simply acknowledging them as they come up. Reaching back out to those support people who have been with us from the beginning can provide comfort, as we feel the need to talk about and process new and unexpected aspects of our loss experience.
 
Planning for and allowing ourselves to feel all the feelings as they arise is a healthy response to the experience of secondary losses. Acknowledging that our grief will continue to surge long after the actual death is a large part of the task of grief work. After all, there is no way of knowing in advance what can happen to take us ‘down to our knees’ again. Tolerating this renewed pain as we continue to take those small steps forward into the rest of our own lives is part of the anguishing process of healing from loss.

Some of these steps could include:
 
…beginning to consider some type of vacation for yourself—maybe with others—in the future…
…determining how best to honor his memory at your wedding…
…journaling about your loved one’s life, loves, and accomplishments for future generations to read…
…seeking help from others in determining how and when to downsize…
…hiring a financial consultant to help organize and prioritize the management of your finances…
 
The reality of the loss of a loved one is that our lives will never be the same as before. Recognizing and accepting grief’s unfinished business of ongoing secondary losses is a tall task of grief work. A task that requires self-compassion and humility as we come to terms with aspects of our grief experience that we couldn’t have imagined in the early days after their death.
 
Grief is a lonely journey; but you need not go it alone. There IS a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. The help of a professional grief counselor can be a healthy act of self-care as the enormity of grief’s unfinished business becomes apparent over the passage of time.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

A desperate parent, baffled by the discovery that their teen has 25 missing school assignments, will call me, pleading for help. The parent is devastated to discover their teen has been lying about the schoolwork, always reporting that it’s caught up.  By this time the teen may be exhibiting signs of depression and anxiety.
 
This is such a common scenario with teens who have undiagnosed ADHD. Why?
 
Students may do well in elementary school, but middle school and high school bring new challenges; changing classes in middle school and the increased difficulty of high school assignments, may cause them to begin to fall apart and fall behind.  Once they get behind, things begin to snowball. Some students may give up entirely and just stop making any effort at all. There is guilt then shame from the lying. They feel like a failure. Depression sets in.
 
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological condition that can present as hyperactivity, inattention or both. It affects the executive function aspect of the brain which includes attention, memory, self-control, following directions, organization, planning, follow-through; many of the things necessary for academic success. In addition, these students have an interest-based ability to focus. In other words, it is extremely difficult to focus on the things they do not find interesting or that are difficult. Those 25 missing assignments could be in math, if the student finds math difficult and uninteresting. Add to this mix an impulsive nature and need for excitement, they may already be seeking more stimulating experiences such as drugs, alcohol or sex.  These things also offer some temporary relief from the pain of failure and shame.
 
The worst thing a parent can do at this point is to punish or demean or to say that if only they would try harder, have more discipline, etc. Parents, why would your teen want to fail? There is a reason if ADHD is in operation.
 
There may be other things that you as a parent have been battling at home in addition to the schoolwork. A messy room, constant video games, frustration that there is little follow-through in what you have asked them to do. The relationship is probably strained from all the nagging about homework and other problems at home. Your teen has already got the message that he is a disappointment, that he is lazy and that there is something wrong with him. He may be isolating in his room, fearful that whenever he emerges there will be more nagging, yelling and questions about why things aren’t getting done. It is a vicious cycle. As a parent, you are exhausted and desperate for some solutions. ADHD is an invisible disability. Your teen looks “normal,” but so few will understand the struggles. This is what makes the journey even more difficult and frustrating.
 
The first step is an evaluation by a mental health professional. Medication can be extremely helpful. A combination of the right medication, education about how the ADHD brain is wired, and coaching to help develop healthy habits of sleep, exercise, organizational skills and study habits can help your teen move into a more successful school experience, better image of himself and a better relationship with you.
 
A final note to you as a parent: the relationship with your teen is what is most important. If you have no relationship, the bond that you both desire is missing. If you have yelled and said things like, “you are so lazy” or, “if you would just try harder or have more discipline,” please apologize and ask how your words have affected your teen. Humbly admit that you do not understand the source of his struggle but you are willing to learn more about ADHD. That will be the start of healing in your relationship and will help your teen do the necessary work of understanding himself and learning to develop the necessary skills for success.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you spent the past year living and working within your home like most of us, you have probably experienced your marriage in a new way.

Maybe you are delighted to eliminate business travel, late meetings and are enjoying lunch with your mate. That’s wonderful. For many couples, it has been a trying time of combining work, parenting, tutoring and marriage dynamics all day, every day. It might be clarifying things you were too busy to notice before about your relationship; or too busy to address.
 
If any of the following descriptions fit, it is time to focus on your marriage so you can have a healthier, happier relationship.

1. There is little connection between the two of you. Your conversations focus on logistics of the day, the week, the kids. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on any subject of substance for fear it would be ignored, rejected or ridiculed. You are lonely and long for the genuine pleasure of the company of your spouse.
2. Conversations quickly escalate to angry words and conflict. You feel misunderstood and unfairly accused. You don’t feel heard by your spouse and each has become defensive. You long for the opportunity to have a calm conversation about issues that concern you without feeling attacked.
3. One or both of you are battling depression or anxiety. It has changed that person and made them harder to reach. How to help them? How do you address their pain and still get your needs met in the relationship?
4. The difference in your parenting styles or issues with your kids have come into sharp focus and you need help. Patience is wearing thin and things are not improving. How do you get on the same page and support your child?
5. You wonder if your spouse is looking outside of your marriage for fulfillment. Or, you are vulnerable to that friendly co-worker for just a warm conversation without any criticism. You struggle to trust each other. One of you is on the brink of an affair or it has already begun.

 
If your relationship resembles any of the above scenarios, you need the help of a counselor. They can help you clarify your problems and begin working towards a closer connection and a much more fulfilling marriage.

Don’t wait.

​Healing your marriage could be the good thing that came from a global pandemic.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Do you ever find yourself comparing your husband, your wife, your child to another? Your friend’s husband loves to cook and you think, “Why doesn’t my husband ever cook?” Your friend’s wife is skilled in decorating, and you wonder how great your house would look if your wife could do that. You attend the school ceremonies and wish your child was going up to receive awards for outstanding grades. This could be especially tempting when a relationship is struggling. Why isn’t my husband more patient like so and so? Why does my wife spend more money than Joe’s wife?
 
The truth is, there are many positives to find in our loved ones, but it takes a willingness to see them. Comparisons often involve what is familiar and expected. If mom was a great cook, then your wife should be. If dad was super handy, then your husband should be. We could spend our days lost in the disappointment of comparisons when in fact there is so much to celebrate. If we open our eyes to all someone brings instead of what is missing, we gain the pleasure of contentment. There is a choice to accept this skill / gift over that one. Your child may not be very organized, but they have a kind heart! Your husband might not be handy, but look how he engages with the kids.
 
The acceptance of personality styles and varied talents leads to affirmation over criticism. Acceptance breeds contentment and a closer connection in the relationship.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

We all know someone in our lives who is always late and often still either dressing or finishing breakfast when they arrive. Just being with these people makes us feel anxious because we can only imagine what life must be like for them; running from one thing to the next, never feeling put together because of their seeming inability to gauge time.
 
When that person is your spouse it is extremely hurtful. You have to remind them over and over about what time they must arrive at a particular place. And when they come rushing in late again, you wonder what is wrong. If they loved you, they would make sure they were on time. If they cared about their children’s recital or being on time for a family event, why wouldn’t they make more of an effort? As a spouse you become frustrated beyond measure; believing that this person must not care, or worse yet does not love you.  Why would someone who loves you hurt you and continually disappoint you? Trust is broken when someone promised to be on time and then breaks their promise.
                                                  
If this person has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), there is a good explanation (not excuse) for their continual tardiness.
 
ADHD affects the executive function aspect of the brain, which is the ability to organize thoughts and activities, prioritize tasks, plan, manage time efficiently, pay attention to and remember details and control emotional responses.
 
These are some of the ways the executive function deficits play out in time management for the individual with ADHD:

1. The brain tends to move toward whatever is most interesting at the time so you can get “lost” in the moment, not thinking ahead to that promised time of arrival. It can easily go into “hyper focus” mode that keeps you focused on the current activity rather that looking ahead to where you should be going.
2. When plans are made your ADHD brain thinks more in generalities and not in details. If you are going to a wedding you may remember the time and day but not take into account the time needed to take a shower, polish your shoes and iron your clothes, not to mention rush hour traffic that was not considered. You underestimate the amount of time it takes to get ready.
3. The ADHD brain tends toward procrastination. Until there is a sense of urgency, it is difficult to get started.
4. ADHD tends to make you impatient and so you avoid boredom. Getting anywhere early and having to wait may make you feel bored.
5. Since planning ahead is not one of your strengths, thinking about what needs to be done before you leave doesn’t occur until you begin to feel the stress of being late.

 
The good news is that there are many ways to help yourself. The first one is to recognize the problem and the devastating effects it has on other people. Our smart phones were designed for the ADHD brain! With all the alarms and reminders there is no excuse for you to be late anymore.
 
A counselor who understands ADHD can help you establish new habits and systems that will lead to a more ordered, and peaceful life.

by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

C​ommunication is important in any relationship, and the delivery of the message makes all the difference. Imagine you’ve been feeling frustrated by your spouse, parent, or friend and you have finally decided that you’re going to let them know just how you feel.  You march right into the room, ready to let your grievances be heard but, you’re met with resistance, anger, or worse--complete silence. The outcome isn’t what you expected and now you’re even more frustrated and angry.
 
This scenario is all too common and often leads to a breakdown in communication. What I tell all of my clients, as well as my own kids, is that It’s not only WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.
 
Choosing your words wisely, along with your tone of voice, can make all the difference in how your message will be received.  If a person feels like they are being attacked they will simply stop listening. It’s important to be clear with what you would like to say. So instead of, “I’m sick of you not helping around the house” try, “I feel very overwhelmed with all the household responsibilities. Do you think we could divide some of the chores between us?”
 
It may not always be easy to voice your grievances calmly, especially in the heat of the moment. But if what you are trying to say is truly important to you, it is more constructive to be clear, and calm and to choose your words wisely.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

For all the challenging changes in our lives due to the Coronavirus, it presents some opportunities as well. How often did we used to say, “If only I had more time, I would...”? If I only had more time I would exercise regularly, connect with my kids more, talk to my spouse more, cook healthier meals, etc. Well, many of us have stopped having to commute to work and are working from home. I acknowledge that parents of school age kids find themselves with more on their plate than less. But for the rest of us, here we are with extra time in our day and more time for those ideal activities. How many of them have you started?
 
When it comes to connecting with our family members more, it is useful to first examine how we typically communicate with them. Do we listen and let them finish their thought before jumping in with our thoughts or solution? Do we ask questions to clarify their perspective so they know we are invested in truly hearing and understanding them before we begin speaking? People are drawn to relationships where they feel heard. Do you have any relationships where you wish they were seeking you a bit more? Perhaps it is worth evaluating your listening skills to see if there is room for improvement.
 
Another area that puts the disconnect in family dynamics is criticism. As parents, it is our role to instruct and prepare our children and teens to become independent, functioning members of society. Unfortunately, many parents see that as a license to criticize and correct all day long. Think about your best boss. They probably knew how to encourage your best work rather than criticize you repeatedly to get it. Again, evaluate yourself honestly in your relationships and listen to the words and tone you use. Would you feel encouraged or condemned? Are you sarcastic at their expense? We have the option to focus on critiquing the behavior we don’t want, or cast a positive vision for the behavior we do want. Instead of, “Your room is such a mess. No one will want to live with you when you leave this house.” You could try, “I would like you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket each night before bed please.” Instead of, “I’m sick of all your dishes on the counter”, you could say, “everyone is responsible for putting their dishes in the dishwasher”. Then mean it. If dishes aren’t going into the dishwasher, have a family conversation with respect and discuss the dilemma and how to solve it. You’re modeling best boss practices enlisting others to help solve the problem, so they have a desire to participate in the solution.
 
When you do see your family members doing something positive, mention it to them in words of affirmation or appreciation. “I noticed you took out the trash without being reminded. Way to go.” “I saw you working to finish your homework before playing video games yesterday. Nice job.” It is human instinct to repeat the behavior we are rewarded for. When people feel noticed and affirmed for positive contributions to the household, they want to do it more often. “Thanks for driving Johnny to soccer practice. It really helped me out.”
 
These are days we might never get back again! What if this time of staying home from public events and hanging out at the home front could be a time of improved communication, closer relationships and even more fun? There are games to be played, walks to be taken, conversations to begin, meals to make together that could all add up to sweeter connections than ever before.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

2020 hasn’t exactly been a year of structure and stability.

​While the loss of these factors in our lives is difficult for everyone, it is perhaps even more of a struggle for children. In most cases, the foundations of their lives have been upended, which can lead to a lot of confusing emotions and few places to put them. If your child has been “acting out” more than usual lately, here is a simple strategy you can use to deescalate the situation and help them process their emotions.
 
The first and most important steps are to listen and validate what they are feeling. This helps your child feel heard and builds their emotional intelligence, so they are better equipped to respond to their emotions in the future. After asking about or interpreting the emotion your child is feeling, you could try some phrases like these to validate them:
 
“I can see that you feel *emotion* right now. Being *emotion* is okay.”
“What happened that made you *emotion*?”
“I would be *emotion* too if that happened to me.”
 
Once you’ve listened and validated, you will have created a much more productive space to then guide your child in the right direction behaviorally. You could follow up your validation by reminding your child that you love them, but you don’t like _____            behavior, and offering them some alternatives. This strategy will not only help reduce the behaviors you don’t want from your child, but more importantly, help them feel heard and supported.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Navigating the anguish, despair, and emotional pain of the loss of someone we love through death is NOT a passive experience. Our loved one’s death is an event. Grief work is defined as the process by which we come to terms with that event. This work requires many intentional and arduous tasks.
 
First, we must open ourselves up and embrace the emotional pain as it floods our mind, our body and our soul. This vulnerability of opening ourselves up to emotional pain is counter-intuitive to our instinct, which usually guides us to avoid pain as much as possible. However, there is no detour, no bypass around grief. The pain must be endured until it becomes thoroughly familiar. This is perhaps the single most challenging aspect of grief work. No one wants to embrace emotional pain forever. And so, we ask relentlessly, “When will it end?”
 
We must seek out those who will listen to and give us permission to talk about our loss as much--and for as long—as we need. Telling our story is a vital task of grief work. Telling our story can be anything from sharing the memory of our last time spent with our loved one, where we were and what we were doing when we got the news of their death, or the details and timeline of their diagnosis and their medical history, our experience of being present at the time of their death, the joy they brought to our life and the love we had for them. Or, our story may be about the challenges we had in the relationship, the regrets we have, or the guilt we bear for not addressing issues when we had the chance to do so. Certainly, any ‘unfinished business’ we feel we had with our loved one needs to be heard and processed in order for us to now find forgiveness or resolution unilaterally. Each time we tell our story, a new and different aspect of our loss resonates within us. As we gain perspective from telling our story, we are able to slowly adapt to the changes that are the inevitable result of our loss.
 
We do not need to grieve alone. However, seeking out the support that we need from others often overwhelms and intimidates us. We don’t want to be judged; we don’t want to be a burden; we don’t want others to really, truly know how bad we feel. So, we put on our “I’m okay” face, and move through our days as if we’re fine. If we do reach out for help or understanding, we often discover that our support people might not be who we expected them to be. Other family members are likely grieving themselves. Their relationship with the person who died may have been different than ours, more complicated, or less close. Additionally, our friends and others close to us find it very difficult to witness our pain. They try to cheer us up, distract us, prod us to “…move on… let go… get over it…” These are just a few of the reasons that so many describe grief as such a lonely place—even within their immediate family and close friends.
 
Often, we need to seek support from outside our immediate circle which, again, is counter-intuitive and in itself a daunting prospect. However, the support found in a grief support group can be surprisingly comforting, as members of the group instinctively understand the emotional experience of loss without judgment. The group experience can often provide the unconditional support we need to process our grief on our own terms.
 
The culmination of our grief work is the ability to acknowledge all that our loved one has meant to us, the influence that our relationship with them has had on us; understanding how our loss informs who we are now. And, finally, how we take that new sense of who we are—after loss—into our own future.
 
You don’t heal from the loss of a loved one because time passes;
you heal because of what you do with the time.   ~ Carol Crandall

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You continue to battle the fog with every additional cup of coffee but it never seems to disappear.

​You flit from one thing to the next, without accomplishing much.  There are missed appointments, lost items, sticky notes everywhere reminding you to do things that you have little motivation to do. Your home is such a disorganized mess that an unexpected visitor would bring panic and shame. Your spouse is constantly upset and irritated that you don’t get anything done while he is away at work. He doesn’t understand that drawing and music are the things that bring you joy so you focus there rather than on the mundane tasks of running a household.  More shame.

There is a nagging sense that you were meant for something more; you have somehow greatly underachieved. You are weary; feeling like a failure. You wonder why others accomplish so much more. All of this leaves you anxious and depressed.
 
You have been seeing a counselor for your depression and anxiety. As you share your symptoms, the counselor wonders if you know anything about ADHD. You identify with the symptoms and the more you read and learn the more you realize that this has been your life.
 
There is an “aha” moment of discovery that feels like such relief.

Finally, you can begin to make sense of your lifelong struggles, shame and guilt. You begin to realize maybe you really aren’t stupid and how your difficulty with focus and organization may have been the cause of your poor grades.  Perhaps that “lazy” label your parents and teachers attached to you really isn’t true as you learn more about how your brain is wired and how it is lacking in those neurotransmitters that are related to focus and motivation.

Maybe this isn’t a moral problem (“you need to try harder and have more discipline”) but a neurological problem. There is great relief in this new way of thinking about yourself. Maybe you are not really a scatterbrain. Perhaps you don’t have to be the person who is always late, always interrupting and talking incessantly. The thought that perhaps you could actually get things done is so wonderful!
 
You try medication and in some miraculous way the fog is lifted. You can think clearly. You have motivation. You have arrived at least to the starting line with everyone else.
 
But there is a sadness, a grief over what could have been. What if I you had understood the ADHD while you were in school, maybe you could have achieved more, gone to college, had a better job?  What would it have been like to accomplish what you intended and to actually plan ahead? Could you have kept those friends who left because you never reciprocated?  What would life have been like if your home was well-organized, your children didn’t have to share in the shame of missed appointments or field trip permission slips not turned in? What books have you missed reading and what have you not learned simply because you didn’t have sustained focus?
 
Perhaps you, the reader can in some way identify with this story. A professional counselor can help. If you have ADHD/ADD medication alone is not enough to make changes. Coaching and counseling together with medication can bring about amazing changes so that the grief can pass and a new life emerge. There is hope for you to be all you were intended to be!