​by Debbie Caine, LLPC, NCC

Debbie Caine a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at  Trinity Family Counseling Center. She completed her Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Oakland University, and works with individuals, couples, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Have you ever heard the saying, “You have to feel it to heal it”?

There is some truth in the saying and I have witnessed it.  It is quite the opposite of, “…you should stuff that emotion and carry that baggage around forever…”  Clients have asked me, “What does talking about the past have to do with anything I am experiencing now?” Turns out it could have a tremendous impact on what you are experiencing in the moment, and that is why it is referred to as emotional baggage. You could be carrying it around with you through every life experience.
 
It is understandable that it is difficult to have the desire to talk about painful experiences, but NOT acknowledging it does not change the fact that it exists.  There could be unresolved trauma, chronic stress, significant negative life experiences, past hurts, relationship difficulties, and many other issues that may be difficult to remember and even more difficult to talk about.  All the emotions that you may be stuffing in that luggage take a toll on your body, mind, and spirit. 
 
 It is normal to have bad days, low moods, or experience situational anxiety.  However, if anxiety and depression symptoms are lasting, you may need to examine if you are carrying emotional baggage.   A professional counselor can assist in enhancing awareness rather than avoidance.  You need to give those feelings the permission to be heard and felt.  The key is that the unpacking will lead to healing.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You still have nightmares about that bully who made you feel small.

Maybe you have stuffed the horrible memories down so far that the only thing remaining is an anger that rises to the surface when someone pushes the “you are stupid” or “you are a loser” or any other “you are inferior” button. Anything that someone says or does may trigger those same feelings you had from your interaction with the bully, resulting in an angry outburst.
 
How can you find relief?
 
Talking about it helps you see the truth instead of the lies you may have believed for so many years about yourself. What power did that bully have to define who you are? You did nothing to deserve the treatment you endured. How has believing the lies affected your work, your relationships and your happiness?
 
There is grief work to be done, and professional counseling can help.

​There were losses. If the bullying was prolonged, it stole so much: your sense of safety, your confidence, friendships, the enjoyment of being whatever age you were when it occurred. Once you have seen the truth of what happened, grieved the losses and have seen the effects it has had, there can be freedom in knowing the bully need no longer have any control over your life. He no longer needs to define who you are. You no longer need to explode at the slightest trigger.

​Finally, you can beat the bully!

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Couples in counseling learn that the four most destructive ways to treat their spouse in conflict are:
 

1. Criticize the other personally
2. Show contempt/disgust for the other
3. React defensively without taking any responsibility
4. Withdraw and shut down communication

 
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist, researcher, and clinician has identified these behaviors as sure predictors of divorce if not addressed and changed. He found that couples who begin conversations with respect and nurture a friendship in the relationship have healthier conflict resolution and happier marriages.
 
Some parents talk to their children with the same four destructive behaviors which is equally devastating for kids. Dr. Gottman says that contempt is the killer of relationships because it conveys, “I am superior and you are an idiot.” Children retreat from or respond in anger to a parent who repeatedly criticizes and condemns.  According to Dr. Gottman, the antidote to contempt is affirmation. If we encourage and affirm our children, they will feel valued by us. The more we look for the positives in our children and nurture mutual respect, the less likely both parents and children will be to attack and demean in conflict.
 
Hopefully parents, you will see this as reaping what you sow. If you tend to find fault daily and are not open to owning your mistakes, you will shut down communication and the relationship. If you speak with kind words and do not overreact with harshness, you will reap a closer, more respectful relationship with your child.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

A few years ago, my husband and I bought a home in the country. One of the first things we did was enclose our new yard with a split rail fence along our property line. Although our primary purpose was to keep our two dogs in our yard, our fence represents so much more. It tells the world what we own and what we know is our responsibility.
 
Emotional boundaries function much the same way in our interpersonal relationships. An individual with healthy emotional boundaries understands what they “own” - and do not “own” - in their interactions with others. Conversely, people with unhealthy boundaries find it difficult to say “no” to others. Their behavior is often described as “enabling” because it allows another to continue to behave in ways that are destructive to themselves or to the existing relationship.
 
Healthy boundaries allow us to convey our thoughts and feelings in a conflict, while allowing the other person to do the same. We are able to recognize what part of a conflict we “own”—and what part we do not. It’s all about accountability in our relationships, and understanding that repair work requires effort from both sides of a conflict.
 
If you often find yourself feeling hurt, misunderstood, disrespected, or taken advantage of by others, chances are your emotional property line has been crossed. A professional counselor can help with identifying boundary violations and working toward the development of healthier ways to express yourself and to hold others accountable in your relationships.

by Liza Hinchey, LLPC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

Neuroplasticity refers to the brain’s ability to change over the course of our lives, and is one of the most helpful concepts to grasp in order to understand how therapy works.
 
Imagine your current ways of thinking as paths in the woods. Whenever a certain belief about yourself or the world originated, that pathway was not yet worn in—but after years of “walking” that path, the ground became worn and easy to travel. Our brains create many paths like this throughout our lives, for better or worse. Sometimes the beliefs that created a path are rooted in self-compassion—but at other times they might involve self-doubt or self-hatred.
 
In these cases, we can take advantage of the brain’s ability to forge new pathways and create healthier ways of thinking. Starting a new path with a more helpful thought process isn’t always easy at first. It’s most likely covered in brambles, complicated by tree branches, and full of confusing twists and turns. 
 
But, the more you practice walking this new path, the more your footsteps will wear a clear trail through the woods. And by practicing walking on the new path, the old pathways (of self-hate, insecurity, shame, etc.) will start to fade as the brambles creep back and the forest swallows them up again. You might come across one of them again one day. You might even start to walk down it. But it will be weaker now, while your new pathways of self-love will be strong and clear.

by Debbie Caine, LLPC, NCC

Debbie Caine a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at  Trinity Family Counseling Center. She completed her Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Oakland University, and works with individuals, couples, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

When someone we love dies that person is usually memorialized, celebrated, and remembered.  During this time, words are spoken, pictures are displayed, videos are compiled, flowers are sprawled, and music is played.  But what happens when there is advance notice of a death?  When we are aware that a loved one is dying?  When that individual’s life and the impact it had can be contemplated and perhaps people begin to mourn before it is over?  The normal mourning that begins to occur when a person and family is expecting a death is defined as Anticipatory Grief.
 
One of the hardest parts of caregiving is watching your loved one slip away.  It is the knowledge that you can’t stop the decline and grieving the loss of the person you once knew, long before they are gone.  This process is very common among caregivers and family members of those suffering from
dementia, cancer, and any other terminal illnesses.
 
There are healthy ways of coping and working through the feelings associated with anticipatory grief:
 
Allow feelings of grief to help you prepare – Give yourself permission to grieve for the future that you will not have with your loved one, for the loss of your hopes and dreams.  No emotion is “wrong”.
 
Educate yourself about what to expect – Learn about your family member’s condition and know the symptoms, side effects, and prognosis.
 
Talk to a professional – Find a professional counselor that will provide the opportunity to share your feelings of loss and frustration. Finding a support group with individuals that are sharing a similar experience can provide emotional support and insight.
 
Enlist help and continue to live your life – Reach out to family and friends or hire someone to help with the care of your loved one.  Don’t put your life completely on hold.  In the long run, it will help the patient and yourself.  It will provide strength for the journey so that you can care for your loved one in a positive and intentional way.
 
Plan to spend meaningful time together – Try and plan time with your loved one that is meaningful to you both.  Talk about special times you have shared, things that you are sorry about, and about how much he or she will be missed.
 
Help your loved one adjust – Look for ways to add new activities to your loved one’s life or think about how you might incorporate elements of a favorite pastime.  Give them the opportunity to express what they need to.
 
Anticipatory grief gives family and friends more time to slowly get used to the reality of the loss.  People are provided with the opportunity to complete unfinished business with the dying person.  Anticipatory grief may not always occur.  This type of grief does not mean that before the death, a person feels the same kind of grief as the grief felt after a death.  There is not a set amount of grief that a person will feel.  The grief experienced before a death does not make the grief after the death last a shorter amount of time.  The grief experience is as unique as each individual.  Remember the love you shared will last a lifetime and beyond.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Almost everyone has heard of the hit song by Aretha Franklin, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It definitely makes for a catchier title and tune, but in many ways V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E is the unsung hero of great communication.
 
Validate is defined as “supporting the truth or value of”. When we share our feelings with a loved one, we long to know they support the truth of our perspective and value our feelings. The art of skilled listening is to be able to reflect back to someone their thoughts and feelings.
 
When two people argue over differing perspectives, they have a choice in how to proceed. They can dig in and continue to offer every point that supports their position. Or they can choose to truly listen to what the other person is saying and feeling and let them know their position has worth. This doesn’t mean they agree with it; it means they have paused their position long enough to really hear and understand the other person. It means they have not dismissed the other person as unreasonable or invalid.
 
The next step after you validate your partner’s perspective is to offer empathy. When you can put yourself in their position and attempt to experience their feelings on the matter, you are saying your feelings matter to me. “It sounds like you were hurt by my comments, and I can see how you would feel that way.” This involves choosing to listen and working to convey understanding to another. It can lead to beautiful harmony. 

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

All families struggle.

A child struggles with school and socializing with friends…
 
A parent struggles with keeping pressures at work from affecting their mood at home…
 
A teen struggles with social issues and may be experiencing anxiety or depression…
 
A family member struggles with substance abuse…
 
A family suffers the death of a loved one…
 
A family member suffers from a mental health diagnosis…
 
The ‘busy-ness’ of everyone’s schedules leaves family members feeling isolated and disconnected. And, the constant preoccupation with technology and social media has further eroded what was once time spent together and engaged in each other’s lives…
 
The list of challenges that today’s families face is endless, and the dysfunction and upset that they suffer as a result are real and often lasting.
 
You may wonder at some time in the history of your family—either the one you are raising, or the one you grew up in—if the challenges that you all struggle with could be helped with family counseling? But you also may not have any idea what that would look like, or if it would work?
 
For those of us in the counseling profession, family counseling is often the preferred approach to a multitude of presenting issues. Yet, the more typical circumstance is that the family will identify the ‘problem person,’ and then give everyone else in the family a ‘pass.’ The problem person is then brought into our office with a request for help. 
 
However, the truth of the matter is that no challenge affecting an entire family is one person’s fault. Far from it, every member of the family system plays some role in the dynamic that perpetuates the problem(s).
 
The role of the family counselor can offer the family a remarkable opportunity to navigate their differences in an entirely new manner than they likely have experienced before. Some important features of the family counseling setting include:

• A safe atmosphere for discussion

• The opportunity for EVERY family member to express their feelings and opinions about the issue
• Immediate feedback from an objective third party to mediate escalating tensions and emotions                         
• Dedicated time for the entire family to truly ‘hear’ and engage with each other
• Education about how the family system works… or is not working                                                                    
• Opportunity to recognize alliances within the family that may be perpetuating the problem
• Encouragement for each family member to take responsibility for their role in the problem
• Guidance for collective problem-solving
• Ongoing accountability to ensure lasting change within the family

There is no doubt, it IS a tall order to bring an entire family into counseling! The sheer logistics of finding a day and a time when everyone is available can be the biggest challenge. However, a collective belief that the family is worth the investment to improve relationships and enhance daily interactions can be the first step to healing long-standing wounds and misunderstandings with the people you love the very most in the world. You might even discover that you can actually enjoy each other in ways you never imagined before! 
 
 Is your family worth it?

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

It may be puzzling that your teen who has ADD can play video games for hours but has difficulty cleaning his room or getting his homework done. And why is it that his grades are so inconsistent?

It’s not that those with ADD cannot pay attention but rather they attend to those things their brain finds most stimulating. This brain can hyper focus for long periods of time when interested.  A person with ADD can spend hours on creative endeavors, but when it comes to the mundane things of life they struggle and must have something to motivate them, often a deadline or a way to think about the task more creatively.
 
A perfect example of this is a young boy who is asked to go out and wash the family car; not a chore he would normally find interesting. So how does he get the task accomplished? He pulls on his rubber boots, fireman jacket and hat and pretends to put out a fire as he washes the car. He has learned, at a young age, how to make a mundane task interesting and fun enough to get it done!
 
This is one trick, among many that the ADD brain can use to accomplish many of the mundane tasks of life. Playing “beat the clock” with a timer, or setting up a reward system after working at the task for a specified time can help. Finding an ADD counselor/coach who understands your ADD brain is even better!

by Liza Hinchey, LLPC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

We all go through our lives with a certain framework to our thoughts and feelings - a lens of underlying beliefs that, whether noticed or not, colors our every experience.

Sometimes these beliefs come from our family of origin, a spouse or partner, our successes, or our failures. And for many people seeking counseling and better methods to improve their well-being, some of these beliefs may no longer be serving them. Perhaps a person or situation left you with the internalized sense that you are inadequate, that you can’t do something, that you are undeserving in some way. Whether the origin of that belief is still present in your life or not, the good news is, that unhelpful belief is now yours.
 
And why would that be good news? Because it is internalized--you are the one with the power to change it! It no longer belongs to someone else’s words, or to the circumstances that left you with painful emotions. By becoming aware of and defining the underlying beliefs that are no longer serving you, you give yourself the power to change them.

With some dedication and faith in this new power of yours, “I am unworthy” can become “I am enough.” Fear of judgment can become peace of mind, and self-doubt can become an organic and naturally blossoming sense of self-confidence. Imagine what radically new and different colors you would see looking through that lens.