​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

What to say that is new or different about our current circumstances of social distancing and self-quarantine? I feel I’ve been bombarded with emails, text messages, blog posts, and professionals of every kind offering me advice on everything from how to properly wash my hands to “quarantine recipes” to at-home exercise tips. Enough already. I’m overwhelmed.
 
I’ve given a lot of thought to this from my own perspective as well as, the perspective of how best to help my clients?
 
What I’ve concluded is that what might be helpful is to just simply… allow.
 
Allow yourself to feel sad, to grieve all that you’re missing out on right now. Everything about our life today was unimaginable just a few short weeks ago. We are adjusting and accommodating to a new way of thinking and doing across every aspect of our day.
 
Allow for the space you need to just… be. The emotional burden we are all bearing is profound. While we might think that we have all this extra time to do this (exercise) and do that (tackle home projects), the reality is that our minds and hearts are burdened right now. And allowing ourselves to just be is not only okay--it is necessary.
 
Allow for worry. I frequently caution my clients that worry about the future robs us of today. I also encourage clients to engage in mindfulness, which to the focus of your awareness on the present moment.
 
But now, who in the world isn’t worrying about their future? And, doesn’t it feel impossible to ‘stay in the moment’ of whatever we are doing when our health, our relationships, our children’s educations, our jobs, our very way of life are all at risk of irreparable change? Worry about the future makes a lot of sense to me right now.
 
So, what I’ve come to realize is that some of the ‘rules’ that I’ve had for myself, and have espoused to my clients for years, don’t seem to apply right now. I’ve also heard some refer to this as our “new normal.” I don’t think so. This is not any kind of normal! We are in a constant state of uncertainty, fear, and speculation. Maybe, just maybe, we will reach a new normal when we’ve come through to the other side of this virus pandemic. Until then, we need to throw out any notion of normalcy.

Sadness, grief, a need for acknowledging our stress and our anxiety and our worry…. Sounds pretty somber, right? So, let me add a few other ideas that we can allow for…
 
Allow for dreams about all the things that we want to get back to—and maybe even do differently or better—when we can. We each have the opportunity to thoughtfully consider how we will re-engage with our loved ones, folks we work with, and our neighbors and friends. We will be able to approach past relationship challenges with a new perspective, one born out of time to really reflect and evaluate. We can choose to enact changes in our own way of being with others in our lives.
 
Allow for anticipation of seeing family and friends again… and for celebrating! There have been so many missed occasions – birthdays, anniversaries, vacations, weddings, births... So much to catch up on, so many people to spend time with, so many opportunities to reconnect. It’s a lot to look forward to, really.
 
Allow for possibilities. The possibility that as a community, and as a nation, we have learned so much about what we are made of. We will have been reminded (just as we were after 9/11) of the power and the goodness of every American to come together when we need each other most.
 
Allow for the possibility that the way we view our children’s educations, the way in which we accomplish our work, and the manner in which we tackle immense challenges may all shift for the better, and in ways we cannot imagine right now. Think about advances in remote learning for our kids. Or, perhaps we’ll see a shift in new home design that supports a range of creative work-at-home environments. Certainly, our leaders and medical professionals will be more proactive with efforts to anticipate and better prepare for this type of crisis in the future.
 
Lastly, allow for the possibility that we will all come out of this with a renewed sense of purpose for ourselves and our community; a more defined commitment to supporting others who struggle or are in need; and a much deeper sense of gratitude for all that we may have taken for granted before.
 
Finally, if my thoughts expressed here make sense to you, I encourage you to simply allow yourself to feel every feeling and acknowledge every concern that invades your mind. However, please also allow for the hopes, the dreams, the anticipation, and the possibilities that await us when we are able to move beyond our current circumstances. This too shall pass.

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

In times of uncertainty, we often find ourselves becoming increasingly anxious.  With 24-hour news stations reporting on COVID-19 and social media bombarding us with information, it is easy to get caught up in all the negativity.  It is important to remember that while many things are out of your control, you can still make choices that will have a positive effect on you and can help decrease your anxious thoughts. 
 
While it is important to keep yourself informed during a national emergency, now more than ever it is also important to implement self-care. Here are five things we all can do to help us get through this tough time:
 
1)     Turn off your TV and turn on your radio.  Studies suggest that music can boost happiness and reduce stress, so turn up the jams!
2)     Make dinner from scratch. Try something new; make your own pizza dough or a pot of soup. Eating healthy will help to stabilize your mood and keep your immune system strong.
3)     Do something intentional. Organize that junk drawer or your closet. It helps pass the time and gives you a sense of accomplishment. 
4)     Call or FaceTime a friend. If you’re stuck at home and bored, chances are others are feeling the same way. Reach out.
5)     Get outside and take a walk around the block. Physical activity is another mood booster and fresh air is a natural disinfectant.
 
You are not alone, we are in this together and we will get through this!

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

One of the greatest gifts to marriage can become its biggest challenge if couples aren’t careful. I am talking about sexual intimacy. Generally speaking, men have a stronger drive for sex than women, and it can get out of balance pretty quickly especially after children are born.
 
Most women are busy with work, children and running a household. By nightfall they are dreaming of rest. Most men are busy with work, kids and household chores and are dreaming of a romantic encounter at day’s end. How to navigate the difference in expectations without it becoming a wedge in the relationship?
 
For men who are frustrated that sex isn’t on their wife’s radar, take an honest look at your relationship. Great sex is not going to happen if two people are emotionally disconnected most of the time. Many women would love more romance in their marriage, but first they would like some help with the kids and someone interested in how their day went.
 
When intimacy sounds like one more demand placed on them, it’s important for women to remember that sexual intimacy is like oxygen for men.  It is a primary way to connect emotionally to their wife, and regular rejection communicates wholesale rejection of them as a man. Women pour out extra effort when hosting friends, are they willing to pour out that extra effort to convey love and acceptance of their guy?
 
When we desire to put each other’s needs first in the relationship, sexual intimacy will thrive.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

In any therapeutic relationship, trust is one of the most important factors in supporting positive change. If you are interested in counseling services for a minor, as a parent or guardian, it is important to understand the conditions that help your child build trust with their counselor so that they can get the most out of their experience.
 
In a counseling setting, children and adolescents must feel that they have a safe place to explore their thoughts, emotions, and goals. With your understanding in advance, we shall keep what your child says or does confidential, within age appropriate limits. Depending on the age of the minor in therapy, the parent(s)/guardian(s) and the counselor will discuss what confidentiality will look like, prior to beginning treatment. For example, counseling a very young child will require the counselor and parents to communicate in much more detail about what happens during sessions than counseling a 16-year-old.
 
However, there are always going to be several exceptions to this confidentiality, regardless of the age of the minor. A counselor will share with the parent(s)/guardian(s) any information which is necessary for the safety of their child or adolescent, in addition to any information that is required by law, including if a client expresses that they plan to harm themselves or others, or if they report child or elder abuse. In these scenarios, counselors are required to break confidentiality, whether the client is a minor or an adult.
 
Aside from safety issues, if a counselor believes that it would be helpful to share additional details with the parent(s) /guardian(s), the counselor will usually discuss this with the child and initially encourage them to do so themselves. This would occur more often with older children and adolescents, as with young children the counselor may need to do more of the talking to parents themselves. Of course, if the child does not want to share with their parents but the counselor still believes it would be very helpful, the counselor may still choose to share information with the parent when appropriate.
 
Parent(s)/guardian(s) also always have the right to ask questions regarding general progress and the therapeutic process, and to offer feedback regarding their interactions with their child and their observations in various settings. In this way, counselors and parents work as a team. We as counselors greatly value your consultations with us and your involvement, as it helps us help your child more effectively. We will discuss with you during our initial meeting how you can participate effectively in your child's specific treatment and progress outside of counseling.
 
Depending on the age of the child, it may also be appropriate to schedule additional meetings with the parent(s)/guardian(s) to discuss progress or address their questions or concerns. Parent(s)/guardian(s) can feel free to share information that they feel may be important for the counselor to know at any time, however due to time constraints, a counselor may not always be able to respond in a thorough manner. That does not mean that your communications are not valued, however, as the information you share is always helpful for us!

That said, if parent(s)/guardian(s) would like to have a more in-depth discussion with a counselor regarding their child, we also offer in-person meetings or phone consultations. Occasionally meeting with parents can be a very useful part of the “teamwork” aspect of a young child’s counseling and is always an available option.​

At Trinity Family Counseling Center, we are committed to helping our younger clients, and we are grateful for the trust that you put in us to do so while upholding confidentiality. Our counselors recognize that it can be difficult for parents to be unaware of all the details of their child’s counseling, so we also want to express our appreciation to you for taking this step for your child’s well-being. In return, we are committed to encouraging open communication between your child and you, and we will do everything in our power to help your child achieve their goals and improve their mental health.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many couples remain stuck in the same toxic patterns of interaction, never able to make progress.

Why?
​
Often because there are hurts from the past that have never been communicated, heard, understood and then forgiven. The results are ugly: anger, contempt, partners who are emotionally shut down, hardly able to look at each other, maybe sleeping separately. They cannot move forward until they have taken a few steps backward and for some, years  backward.                        
 
We easily can identify how someone has hurt us. It takes humility and much soul-searching to see and acknowledge how we have hurt someone else. A couple must listen to each other’s hurts, empathize with the hurt, ask questions, listen, ask more questions and reflect until they begin to feel something. Perhaps for the first time, to cry over the pain they have caused. A softening begins, listening improves, and eventually both partners are open to forgive. Tears of joy flow with extending and receiving forgiveness.
 
If the couple are Christ followers, they know they must forgive as the Lord has forgiven them. That’s what love does. We love because He first loved us. We can enter into the wonderful cycle of being loved by our Creator, then loving and forgiving our spouse. We will get stuck again. But if we can articulate the hurt, listen to our spouse’s hurt, then we will be able, by God’s grace, to forgive again and again and again. Perhaps up to something like seventy times seven.

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

It’s hard to believe that we are now living in the year 2020!

There’s something about the beginning of a new decade that makes us feel inspired and hopeful for the years ahead. ‘Taking stock’ is a great way to begin the new year.  When thinking about your future it’s easy to become anxious and stressed. I mean, how can you not when you think about everything on your to-do list?!

Between your family, school and work responsibilities, it’s no wonder we all don’t crawl back into bed! But, WE - or more specifically YOU - are stronger and braver than that!! While there are many resolutions we can set for ourselves, here are two simple additions to our wellness routine that will set the path for this year:
 

1. Start a gratitude journal. It’s not as daunting as you think. Take some time every few days to write down a couple of sentences or words even, about the blessings, beauty, grace that surrounds you. When you find you’re having a particularly difficult day, glance through your journal to remind yourself that what you’re experiencing is temporary.

 

1. Set your intentions for the day. Every morning as you’re getting ready verbalize these intentions. Whether you intend to be a more patient parent, or you intend to find kindness throughout the day, setting your intentions gives you purpose.

 
No one really knows what the year ahead will bring. However, with these small behavioral changes, the decade will be off to a good start.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Christmas cards mailed, check.

Christmas shopping completed, check.

Ready for family gatherings, hmmm?????

​Maybe your holiday meal plays out like a Hallmark Christmas movie, but for most folks it does not. It can be nerve-racking to go where unresolved issues are hinted at with an air of tension. Maybe grief hangs heavy in the room due to recent loss or some parties are barely speaking to each other from last year. How do you enjoy time with family during the holidays and navigate the possible pitfalls?
 
Think about who will be there and what is going on in their world right now. Do they need extra patience and TLC given what they are dealing with? Is there someone needing a hug and a judgment-free zone around them? Be that person to provide it.
 
Do you have a family member who communicates with verbal jabs? Then don’t be surprised by it or better yet, steer clear. Head for the smiling face that looks genuinely happy to see you. Be that smiling face for other folks as they arrive.
 
Remember there are NO perfect families. But it doesn’t mean we have to settle for dysfunction served up with pie each year. What are you doing to extend acceptance to a relative with a different political perspective?   Are you engaging the sullen teen who looks forgotten? Go a little deeper than the weather or sports in your conversations.

You might enjoy yourself more than you expected and help someone else enjoy it too.

​by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

When someone we love dies, we are consumed by an overwhelming and all-encompassing experience of anguish and despair. The simplest tasks become arduous and insurmountable. The suggestion that we could ever enjoy anything, or smile, or laugh again seems incomprehensible. We feel that our grief is now our new identity… forever.
 
Let me suggest that it is possible to experience moments of joy amidst our grief. Grief and joy are not mutually exclusive emotions (although we often believe that they are). We are capable of feeling a multitude of emotions all at once. It is this tug of our heart and mind in different directions, amidst grief, that confuses and disorients us.
 
Then, there’s the guilt. The immediate ‘gut punch’ we give ourselves when we feel anything except our grief. It’s as though we are somehow betraying our loved one because we laughed at a joke, or forgot about our loss for the briefest of moments.
 
The ability to get outside of your grief momentarily is a healthy coping mechanism; a sort of mini-respite from the despair. It is okay to smile when you hear a baby giggle, to laugh as your dog romps through the snow, to take in the beauty of a sunset, or savor a delicious sweet treat. All of these moments can accompany our exhaustive experience of grief; moments that serve to remind us that grief need not be our entire identity.

There is still beauty in the world around us — even as we grieve. 

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Forgetting to pick up milk on the way home results in your wife spewing all kinds of nasty words at you when you walk in the door. You wonder what is behind all that anger?
 
Anger is often the easiest emotion to express and can make us feel better for the moment.
 
So, what could be underneath this mask of anger? Fear. Shame. Guilt. Unmet needs. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. Worry. Jealousy. Hurt.  Some of those emotions are more difficult to express or even identify. The anger seems to flow so effortlessly.
 
Your wife was really hurting because you had been working so much overtime that you hardly had a minute to talk to her during the week. She was not feeling connected or loved. She feared that the disconnection would only go deeper with your demanding work schedule.
 
So how do you help her understand the angry outburst when she is so flooded with emotion? Realize it wasn’t about the forgotten milk, ask what else might be going on and then take the time to listen.
 
Sometimes anger is more chronic and deeply rooted from past hurts. The anger could be from being bullied or abused as a child or the death of someone close.

You may benefit from the help of a professional counselor who could help you identify the root. Perhaps grieving a loss or forgiving someone who hurt you deeply could bring the freedom you desire from this tyrant called anger.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

While some of my younger clients are indeed comfortable sitting on my couch and talking for a full session, more often than not an environment that incorporates play into the therapeutic relationship is more productive and welcoming for young children.
 
For some, depending on their personality and developmental level, play is more of an “ice breaker,” or a non-threatening way to help them feel comfortable opening up to a therapist. They play with their guardians and their teachers, so this familiar activity can help them feel at ease. In these scenarios, we may actually be engaging in more traditional “talk therapy”—we just happen to be playing a game at the same time.
 
For other children, the play itself may be the main therapeutic focus. Children will often act out events and emotions that are occurring in reality in the parallel universe of play. The therapist can then communicate with them by participating in the game, guiding the child to work through feelings and struggles indirectly.
 
And for all children, play therapy allows them to express concepts or feelings that are difficult to put into words, gives them the undivided attention of an adult who isn’t a parent or teacher, and provides them with a safe, accepting space to be themselves. With these conditions, children can experience enormous growth, learning key emotional skills that they can one day carry with them into their adult lives.