by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

It may be puzzling that your teen who has ADD can play video games for hours but has difficulty cleaning his room or getting his homework done. And why is it that his grades are so inconsistent?

It’s not that those with ADD cannot pay attention but rather they attend to those things their brain finds most stimulating. This brain can hyper focus for long periods of time when interested.  A person with ADD can spend hours on creative endeavors, but when it comes to the mundane things of life they struggle and must have something to motivate them, often a deadline or a way to think about the task more creatively.
 
A perfect example of this is a young boy who is asked to go out and wash the family car; not a chore he would normally find interesting. So how does he get the task accomplished? He pulls on his rubber boots, fireman jacket and hat and pretends to put out a fire as he washes the car. He has learned, at a young age, how to make a mundane task interesting and fun enough to get it done!
 
This is one trick, among many that the ADD brain can use to accomplish many of the mundane tasks of life. Playing “beat the clock” with a timer, or setting up a reward system after working at the task for a specified time can help. Finding an ADD counselor/coach who understands your ADD brain is even better!

by Liza Hinchey, LLPC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

We all go through our lives with a certain framework to our thoughts and feelings - a lens of underlying beliefs that, whether noticed or not, colors our every experience.

Sometimes these beliefs come from our family of origin, a spouse or partner, our successes, or our failures. And for many people seeking counseling and better methods to improve their well-being, some of these beliefs may no longer be serving them. Perhaps a person or situation left you with the internalized sense that you are inadequate, that you can’t do something, that you are undeserving in some way. Whether the origin of that belief is still present in your life or not, the good news is, that unhelpful belief is now yours.
 
And why would that be good news? Because it is internalized--you are the one with the power to change it! It no longer belongs to someone else’s words, or to the circumstances that left you with painful emotions. By becoming aware of and defining the underlying beliefs that are no longer serving you, you give yourself the power to change them.

With some dedication and faith in this new power of yours, “I am unworthy” can become “I am enough.” Fear of judgment can become peace of mind, and self-doubt can become an organic and naturally blossoming sense of self-confidence. Imagine what radically new and different colors you would see looking through that lens.

by Debbie Caine, LLPC, NCC

Debbie Caine a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at  Trinity Family Counseling Center. She completed her Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Oakland University, and works with individuals, couples, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

When someone we love is diagnosed with a terminal disease it can evoke all kinds of emotions.  Terror and visions of painful treatments and eventually even death can shake our entire world.  Receiving a terminal diagnosis is a devastating blow, not only to the patient themselves, but also to the family.   We can imagine how frightening the diagnosis must be for the patient, but quite often, we underestimate the emotional toll the disease will take on the loved ones.
 
Challenging Times
 
For family members it means fighting with feelings of helplessness and fear of losing their loved one while simultaneously hoping for a cure or prolonged life that often requires debilitating treatment.  Oftentimes watching a loved one suffer can be even more difficult than enduring the suffering oneself.   When families find themselves confronted with this circumstance, their coping strategies fall into one of two categories - an all or nothing approach. 
 
Some individuals choose not to talk about the diagnosis or in some cases, refuse to even acknowledge the fact.  They go on with their lives as if the diagnosis does not exist and everything is fine.  Conversely, other people attempt to manage their anxiety by becoming hyper-vigilant and centering all aspects of daily life surrounding the diagnosis.  Both approaches are difficult to manage for the duration.  Families can greatly benefit from a patient professional counselor who is able to honor the journey of individual family members. The counselor does this by asking questions that encourage discussion about some of the common challenges that families face when coping with the diagnosis.
 
Family Dynamics
 
It is important to keep in mind that each family member has his or her own individual and unique relationship to the person with the terminal disease.  Some feelings and dynamics are positive, and some are negative and can include old baggage and unfinished business such as wounds or secrets from the past.   Talking to each member of the family makes them feel as if they are not alone and that they can handle things one day at a time.  It is important to provide opportunity for each family member to express what the person and the relationship means to them.  A counselor can best serve the family by providing a safe space for whatever needs to be vented, without judgement.

Providing Care
 
Care-giving is often one of the most difficult, emotional and divisive issues faced by families with a loved one who is ill.  Family members must work together and navigate their way through some tough terrain.

Some questions at this time may include:

1. What kind of care is required?
2. Can my loved one be cared for at home?
3. Who will provide the care?  Family? Home health? Hospice?

 
Many families become quickly overwhelmed with all the details and the amount of decisions that are forced upon them.  There are so many decisions to be made and no way of knowing the outcomes of each one of the choices.  Families may disagree about what kind of treatments and the type of care their loved one should receive and forget that if possible, the choice resides with the patient.
 
Coping with the Unknown
 
A terminal diagnosis can sometimes be a strange kind of blessing because it provides loved ones with the knowledge that the end is coming.  The most difficult aspect is the unknown - when.  The fear is powerful, but the unknown can be debilitating.  Facing a known outcome is certainly frightening, but at least there is little or no ambiguity.  There are fewer choices to agonize over.  There may be a greater feeling of powerlessness, but fewer regrets.  Knowing the end is coming often encourages loved ones to say things they might never express otherwise, both to the person who is dying and to those who will be left behind. 
 
A caring counselor can lead a family through the devastating time of coping and eventually losing a loved one to a terminal disease.  They can provide a warm, safe environment and an objective, informed voice that would allow family members the opportunity to talk and face their fears and concerns.  The counselor would be present and walk with the family through the journey so that they would understand that they are not alone.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When two individuals choose to get married, they are entering into an exciting new season of life that they will always remember. They are bringing two unique people together who want to blend their strengths and contrasts, differing family backgrounds and create a new family of their own. God in his wisdom gave us a blueprint for this process of beginning marriage in Genesis 2:24. “Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
 
When we follow God’s plan closely, it is a healthy picture of two adult children who shift from a first priority relationship with mom and dad to prioritizing each other. As they are cleaving, they are becoming deeply emotionally attached to one another. They have each other’s back as their first priority over any other family member. They become one flesh physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. They are one unit. They put each other above all others and all commitments. Couples will not do this perfectly. However, when any of these three steps are not implemented, it leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.
 
For a couple to thrive, they MUST leave the nest of parental dependency. Usually this is harder for the parents to adhere to than the adult child. Many parents still see it as their decision how the new couple will spend their holidays, vacations, time with grandchildren, etc. It is born of love and a strong desire to maintain family traditions and maximum contact with their loved ones. However, it is no longer their decision to make! It is the responsibility of the new couple to set boundaries on time with their parents, if their parents are not graciously deferring to their adult children. This is challenging for all, yet it only gets harder if these expectations are not clarified within the first year of marriage and the arrival of grandchildren. When the families are blending, it is imperative that grandparents respect all parties involved and understand they share the grandkids with multiple parties.
 
No matter how long a couple dates before marriage, the first years of marriage are a time of growing emotionally closer to one another. Research has proven that healthy couples achieve closeness, emotional safety and security. God knew that would be the desire of their heart and the best version of marriage. When they are cleaving, they strive to resolve conflict respectfully and honestly. They don’t make decisions like major purchases or job changes or parenting choices without first consulting each other out of respect. They put the needs of their spouse above any other relationship including an ex, a child, or a parent. They share big news with each other first and only disclose what the other is comfortable sharing with others.
 
In Ephesians chapter 5, God shares the roles of husbands and wives. He includes loving each other sacrificially. He instructs both to put the needs of their spouse ahead of their own. In this way they become one as they care more about the other’s needs than their own. This involves physical intimacy needs, parenting, communication… Everything. At this point God intended for the couple to have developed their own identity separate from their parents. They are a new family unit that loves and respects each other as the most important relationship in their lives. They share their hearts and bodies with each other in a way unlike anyone else. They are one.
 
If you are newly married or have been for a long time and are struggling in any of these areas, I hope you will take the time to evaluate which step needs attention. God is the creator of marriage and therefore has a very reliable blueprint to follow for a strong marriage. If you need assistance with any part of these steps, please consider reaching out to a faith-based marriage counselor to help you set boundaries with other family members, grow closer emotionally, and become one with your spouse.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

People often come to counseling because events from their past have damaged how they see themselves.

Past abuse, abandonment, or bullying can result in feelings of worthlessness and unnecessary shame. A Christian counselor can help the client talk through the past events, grieve all that was lost and then examine their thoughts about themselves in light of the Scriptures. Psalm 139: 13 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Truly understanding how we have been created, in the image and likeness of God, dispels the false belief that we are worthless. Does this happen overnight? Not usually. It is a process.
 
Psalm 1 says that if we delight in the law of the Lord, and meditate on it day and night, we are blessed. Why blessed? Because when the truth soaks into our minds, and penetrates our hearts, we are changed by the power of God’s Spirit. The truth sets us free from false beliefs and changes the way we feel and behave. Our countenance begins to change as the truth takes hold in our hearts.
 
Romans 12:2 tells us that we are to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. In the Greek, transformation means a metamorphosis or the complete change from the inside out.
 
A Christian counselor would delight in helping you enter this process of transformation, from one degree of glory to another. (2 Corinthians 3:18)

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

We are born into a healthy, loving, committed marriage, or a chaotic, unstable, and dysfunctional relationship... or more likely, somewhere in between these extremes. The point is, we don’t get to choose.
 
Our family of origin experiences have an enormous impact on the trajectory of our lives.
 
Fathers teach sons how to love a woman and how to lead a family... or they don’t. Fathers teach daughters what they deserve from a man — love, respect, and partnership… or they don’t.
 
Mothers teach sons to recognize and honor the love of a woman; the importance of her voice of reason and her comfort... or they don’t. Mothers teach daughters how to love, respect and encourage a good and honorable man... or they don’t.
 
We take what we learn from these experiences into our future as we test the waters of our adult relationships. If we are able to recognize and admit that we are falling short, we often struggle to understand the role of those early influences.
 
The challenge is to recognize those early influences and to comprehend the impact they have had on our current choices; to be able to identify and choose a different course of action than might have been modeled by those whose behaviors initially influenced us.
 
The guidance of a caring mental health counselor can provide the safety and opportunity to explore the impact of the family we grew up with on our thoughts, values, and beliefs about ourselves as individuals and as partners.

by Liza Hinchey, LLPC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

It’s a wonderful feeling to give to others. For many of us though, it can be a challenge to extend that same generosity to ourselves. If you deal with feelings of guilt or unworthiness when taking time to care for yourself, perhaps feeling that your actions are at the expense of your workload or others’ desires, you are most certainly not alone.
 
During the holiday season, there can often be an increase in this type of stress due to the many tasks and expectations to balance. Maybe you are a student preparing for exams, or a parent balancing both your workload and your focus on making the holidays special for your children. Regardless of your situation, imagine how much work you could get done, how much you could help others, if you were coming from a place of full health and peace. 
 
A giver like this—who has learned to give not only to others, but to themselves as well—is an unstoppable force of nature.
 
To get started, I challenge you to give yourself just one small gift every day during this holiday season. This gift could be as simple as allowing yourself five minutes in the morning to really enjoy a hot drink, buying yourself a cookie, or just taking a few deep inhales and exhales the next time you feel overwhelmed. In these moments, try to recognize that you are actively cherishing yourself—and, most importantly, that you absolutely deserve to do so.

by Debbie Caine, LLPC (Pending)

Debbie Caine a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at  Trinity Family Counseling Center. She completed her Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Oakland University, and works with individuals, couples, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

As a species, we are all created for connection and we have a basic human need to belong.

We learn this fact from the time we are young and as we age.  In the Ted Talk entitled, What Makes a Good Life?, there are lessons learned from an ongoing 75-year Harvard study on happiness.  The study revealed that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.  Lessons taken from the research conclude that individuals that are more socially connected to family, friends, and community are happier, physically heathier, and live longer.

It is NOT the number of friends that you have or even if you are in a committed relationship, but it IS the quality of your close relationships that matter.  Living in the warmest relationships proves to be protective.
 
Good relationships and connections don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.  People in relationships that feel they can count on each other in times of need benefit greatly.  What are the challenges and obstacles to achieving these healthy connections?

Perhaps we need to notice changes we can make daily to improve our relationships and provide opportunities.  Some changes may mean that we pay attention and trade screen time for people time.  If you find that you are lonelier than you would like to be, consider talking to a professional counselor who can help you sort it out.
 
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
John 15:13

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

We come to the table with mixed emotions and challenging circumstances. Family conflict is seated and the turkey dinner somehow doesn’t taste as good as last year.  Grief is present and tears saturate the beautiful tablecloth. The chair where an adult child usually sits is empty because family is no longer a priority. Physical pain makes another chair almost impossible to sit on. Another chair is full of worry because its occupant has suddenly lost his job.
 
This is life in a broken world. Conflict, grief, physical pain and financial loss are not strangers to any of us. We fear that our pain will reveal itself in those family photos.
 
We may need to seek professional help to learn new coping skills, gain insight into how to navigate conflict, or have someone just listen to our grief and help us find some light.
 
We might not be able to change our circumstances but we can definitely change the way we think about them. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” If we know that God is good, that He is sovereign in our lives, and that He loves us, we can trust that whatever is happening He is with us, and is working for our good and His glory.

That truth can put a smile on your face. At least long enough for that picture!

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you are an engaged couple, you have many exciting things to think about. There are wedding rings to buy, dates to book, flowers and a cake to order, not to mention the all-important wedding gown! Something that might not be on your ‘to do’ list is premarital counseling. Consider that long after the excitement of the wedding day passes, your day to day relationship becomes very important. Even the most committed couples will experience some bumps in the road that might not fade away over time.
 
Have you dated long enough to know how to manage conflict and communicate successfully? Do you know how to pursue emotional intimacy and speak each other’s love language to ensure you stay closely connected? Have you discussed how you will set boundaries during holidays with your families as a couple? Are there topics that turn into a fight so quickly that you have just decided to avoid them? Is there a dynamic in your relationship that concerns you, but it feels difficult to address with your fiancée?
 
The merging of two individuals and families almost guarantees the need for growth in relationship skills.  Premarital counseling is considered a key ingredient in keeping marriages strong. As a Christian counselor, I help couples understand the biblical roles of husband and wife as well as specific communication, conflict and emotional needs for the couple. An engaged couple that pursues premarital counseling is wise in planning for a happy life after the wedding day.