by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

As a counselor who works with hurting couples, I am often struck by the timing of the call for help. Many couples seek counseling after years of marriage stating they have been hurting for a long time but did not know how to address it with each other.  In some cases, one member of the couple is so hurt and angry, they struggle to find a desire to restore a marriage with someone they deeply resent. After one or two sessions of counseling, the angriest spouse gives up and files for divorce. This is a tragedy that could have been prevented in most cases.

When is the right time to pursue help in a hurting marriage? Think of it like a crack in the foundation of your house.  If you address it when it is merely a crack, there will be less damage to repair.  However, if you ignore it, you will have major damage to multiple areas that need repair. Here are some signs that it might be time to call a counselor:

• It does not feel safe to share feelings openly and honestly
• Conflicts are shut down and not resolved
• Criticism and defensiveness are a regular part of your communication
• You are lonely, craving more closeness and connection

If you have considered finding a couples counselor who can be objective and provide support, I encourage you to heed that inner nudge and take action. Any time is better than not seeking help. However, why wait?

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

I speak to people every week who are seeking information about counseling services. For some, counseling is familiar. For others, the idea is anxiety-producing, even as they have come to realize the need for some objective perspective on the problem(s) they are experiencing. Many have the mistaken expectation that a professional counselor will provide advice about what they should do. In fact, some folks are upset when I explain that advice giving is not my role.

With my clients, I prefer to stress the multitude of choices that we each make day-in and day-out that impact the quality of our lives and relationships. Some choices are good ones, some are bad; some propel us forward, some set us back. It is so easy to feel ‘stuck’ with the outcome of our poor choices, that we are sometimes unable to gain a new perspective on our own. Yet, everyone has the opportunity to make different choices.

Rather than offer advice, I view my role as one of assisting my client in recognizing the consequences of their past choices, sorting out new options, and gathering the courage to choose differently. With increased self-awareness and insight, the ability to figure out their own solution is far more powerful than any advice I could ever offer!

For example, consider the question: “What should I do?” I might reply with, “What could you do?” This simple—yet powerful—reframe of the client’s question opens the door to multiple possibilities that now provide the opportunity to consider new choices.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Some may think Christian counseling consists of a counselor sharing a Bible verse and a prayer at the end of the session. It might look like this, but really it is so much more. The counselor must have an understanding of life from a Biblical perspective. Knowledge of God and His nature, and man in relation to Him, is foundational. Seeing problems and solutions from God’s viewpoint is what makes counseling Christian. The counselor’s role is not to offer simplistic answers such as, “ trust  more” or “ pray harder”, but to help clients  think Biblically; consistently encouraging clients toward a deeper relationship with God, an accurate understanding of themselves, and a more practical application of His Word to their lives.

Themes of forgiveness, grace, trust, holiness, obedience and prayer may weave their way through the tapestry of the counseling process.  The Bible has much to say about how we are to think, speak, and act as well as what our relationships should look like. The human heart longs for a secure identity, a meaningful purpose and a love that is unconditional. As human beings, we need to know we can be forgiven. A relationship with God through Jesus Christ provides all of this and so much more.

So often there is a disconnect between what we know is true and what we experience.  The disconnect is minimized through prayer and meditation on the Scriptures. A skilled Biblical counselor will help clients understand their core beliefs and then dismantle those that are faulty and replace them with the truth. Romans 12:2 tells us that our minds need to be transformed. True wisdom and insight is found in God’s word, not in human understanding or feelings. Our thoughts, feelings and behavior need to be examined in light of the Bible, which, for the Christian, is the ultimate source of truth and instruction (2 Timothy3:16-17). Depending upon human wisdom alone is risky business. The One who created us has provided a manual for us to live by; it is the truth that sheds light on all the dark places in our lives.  It is the truth that reveals the depth of God’s love and grace, and it is the truth that sets us free.  Human beings were designed to be in relationship with their Creator; however sin has gotten in the way. Jesus Christ is the Mediator between a holy God and sinful man. It is through acknowledging our sin and accepting Christ’s gift of salvation that we are born from above and given a new identity in Christ.

A Christian approach to counseling offers hope and meaning when there seems to be no hope or when life doesn’t make sense. No matter what challenges life brings, hope comes from knowing that nothing can separate us from the love of God (Romans 8:38-39) and that in every circumstance He is working for good (Romans 8:28-29). The good is that we are becoming more like Christ.

Christian counseling is respectful, understanding, patient, kind, always seeking to see the best and always in prayer for wisdom and direction. It does not push but waits for the Holy Spirit to convict, reveal truth, direct and heal. Perhaps the greatest gift the counselor can give is to see the client though the eyes of Christ and continue to direct the client toward Him; the desired end being more and more dependence upon Christ.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

There are many reasons that people seek counseling services. Perhaps you have recently experienced a change in your life that has rocked your world; perhaps there is a past experience that continues to impact your current functioning; or you are searching for ways to address long-standing challenges with anxiety, depression, or some other emotional or mental health challenge. Maybe you’ve heard from others that you should “get some help.” Whatever the reason that first prompts someone to make that call—the decision to seek counseling services is seldom made without considerable thought and a fair amount of trepidation.

It’s understandable. After all, it’s pretty scary to think about opening up about your deepest fears or sharing secrets you haven’t shared before.  And, if you’re truly ready—there’s the reality that you’ll need to face your own responsibility for making difficult changes in yourself, or in your relationships. Obviously, the professional that you choose has the ability to dramatically impact your counseling experience.

From your first contact, you should feel a sense of warmth and an appropriate concern for your problem(s).  Ask if the counselor has expertise and experience in working with clients like yourself, and with similar issues. And, you should never feel rushed. The strength of the therapeutic relationship is the single best predictor of a positive outcome from counseling, and it begins with that first contact. Be discriminating. You owe it to yourself to find a professional that you trust, and one who truly cares about you.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

How do I know that I am ready to enter into counseling? How do I know that counseling will help me? What makes for a successful outcome to the counseling process?

These are just a few of the questions that are often asked by potential clients. My answer is that the desire and willingness to enact change are the strongest indicators of a successful counseling experience. We often interpret the pain or injustice we feel as the result of someone else’s words or actions. It is much easier to place the blame on others, than to look at ourselves.

Question: How many counselors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: Just one; but that lightbulb really has to want to change!

One of the most challenging tasks we face in life is to recognize our own misdeeds and weaknesses. Taking a hard look at ourselves and ‘owning’ responsibility for the change we want is scary. The ability to see our role in a conflict, our participation in a destructive pattern of behavior, our lack of impulse control, or our reluctance to make our boundaries known are just a few of the many ways in which we must challenge ourselves.

A skilled counselor will be able to gently guide you toward these insights and support your ability to identify what you need to do differently; how you need to change. Then—and only then—can the real work begin to truly heal and choose a different path for your future.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It seems ironic that we are raised on a steady diet of princes and princesses, when our marital futures are anything but guaranteed to be happily ever after. If you are struggling in your marriage, you know it is nothing like the fairy tale you envisioned for your relationship.

When you are living under the same roof and do not feel like you can trust the person you are married to, it can be lonelier than living alone. It could be that you do not trust them to treat you in a reasonable way during heated conversations. Are they prone to blowing up at you? Do you feel you are never truly understood or unfairly criticized? Are you suffocating from all the things you want to talk about, but know it will lead to an ugly fight? It could also be that you suspect them of cheating on you. This is like a stab wound from the one you count on most. Or are you dying of neglect, wanting to be noticed, valued, included in their lives?

When your relationship is characterized by tiptoeing around subjects or acquiescing to avoid an argument, there are a lot of feelings getting stuffed. If two people continue to stuff what they want to say or how they really feel, it becomes a dance of avoidance and disconnect. This is fertile ground for resentment and isolation to take root. The longer two people avoid connecting in their relationship, the harder it gets to work your way back to a comfortable place together. It gets harder and harder to feel safe opening up to each other. You begin to forget what it is like not to feel angry, hurt or rejected most of the time.

One of the many challenges of marital distress is that it is so hard to gain helpful support. If you share a frustration about your spouse with a family member, they could hold it against your spouse which isn’t supportive to you. It is important to choose your friends carefully when venting to make sure you are not the topic being discussed at the next neighborhood girls’ night out. Yet when you keep it to yourself, it feels unsolvable, lonely and scary.

This is when it can be like a drink of water in the desert to seek out a counselor for some objective support to guide you back into a connected relationship. An effective counselor will not take sides, so each of you can feel fairly represented. They will be on the side of supporting the relationship. The counselor can listen to each spouse to assess the dynamics of the relationship and help you set goals of what you want to accomplish in counseling. By the time most relationships reach a counselor, their problems have been brewing for a while. It will also take time for the counselor to work with you to get your relationship back to feeling good again. Is the rest of your life in a fulfilling relationship worth the investment of your time and money?

In a perfect world, couples would receive this kind of help and insight at the start of their relationship. Whether it is premarital counseling or laying a good foundation in the early years after the wedding, a lot of heartache could be spared by pursuing counseling before the emotional wounds accumulate. Because after all, none of us really believe that finding the right foot to fit the glass slipper will have anything to do with the future happiness of the relationship.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

These are a couple of the most often asked questions that I encounter when meeting a new counseling client. And the answer to both is:   It depends.

It depends on the issue or problem bringing you in. If there is a specific, identifiable presenting problem, then we can focus exclusively on that topic, and likely figure things out within a few sessions. For more complex concerns, long-term circumstances or relationship issues, the timeline will be longer.

It depends on your commitment to doing the work required to address the issue(s). Once we get acquainted, and have identified the work that needs to be done, it can feel very overwhelming at first. As a cognitive-behavioral therapist, I work to help my clients understand that desired change in our actions and behaviors begins with changes in the way we think about things. Developing an awareness of our inner voice takes time, and altering our thinking patterns requires vigilance.

It depends on your willingness to tolerate the inevitable road blocks that will seem to be in your way of making progress. The ability to look at yourself with a critical eye, to challenge yourself, to consciously make different choices than you have made before, and to endure critique and resistance from others in your life during this process are all very difficult tasks.

So… it just depends…

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

I remember when I was a kid thinking that the dandelions growing all around our yard were flowers! Imagine my horror the first time I saw my dad push the lawn mower right over them. How could he?

I was equally surprised when—the very next week—those lovely ‘flowers’ reappeared. Only then did my dad explain that they were really weeds, and that to rid our yard of them, we needed to dig them up by their roots.

My experience with dandelions as a child is a wonderful metaphor for addressing one’s goals when seeking counseling services. You come into the counseling setting with a mess of weeds in your life or relationships. We can certainly address the immediate issues with some cursory insights and a few basic new skills, and you can be on your way. However, over time you’ll come to realize that the root of your problem is still present and that you haven’t really resolved or changed anything permanently.

Or, we can set our sights on getting to the origin of your problems, by digging deep with our bigger therapeutic tools: trust, vulnerability, psycho-education, commitment to change, insight, and adjustments to your thinking that lead to changes in your behaviors. It may take more time and more attention to address your counseling needs in this manner, but the results have the power to last a lifetime. Is your life and your happiness worth the effort to dig a little deeper?