by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

C​ommunication is important in any relationship, and the delivery of the message makes all the difference. Imagine you’ve been feeling frustrated by your spouse, parent, or friend and you have finally decided that you’re going to let them know just how you feel.  You march right into the room, ready to let your grievances be heard but, you’re met with resistance, anger, or worse--complete silence. The outcome isn’t what you expected and now you’re even more frustrated and angry.
 
This scenario is all too common and often leads to a breakdown in communication. What I tell all of my clients, as well as my own kids, is that It’s not only WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.
 
Choosing your words wisely, along with your tone of voice, can make all the difference in how your message will be received.  If a person feels like they are being attacked they will simply stop listening. It’s important to be clear with what you would like to say. So instead of, “I’m sick of you not helping around the house” try, “I feel very overwhelmed with all the household responsibilities. Do you think we could divide some of the chores between us?”
 
It may not always be easy to voice your grievances calmly, especially in the heat of the moment. But if what you are trying to say is truly important to you, it is more constructive to be clear, and calm and to choose your words wisely.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

2020 hasn’t exactly been a year of structure and stability.

​While the loss of these factors in our lives is difficult for everyone, it is perhaps even more of a struggle for children. In most cases, the foundations of their lives have been upended, which can lead to a lot of confusing emotions and few places to put them. If your child has been “acting out” more than usual lately, here is a simple strategy you can use to deescalate the situation and help them process their emotions.
 
The first and most important steps are to listen and validate what they are feeling. This helps your child feel heard and builds their emotional intelligence, so they are better equipped to respond to their emotions in the future. After asking about or interpreting the emotion your child is feeling, you could try some phrases like these to validate them:
 
“I can see that you feel *emotion* right now. Being *emotion* is okay.”
“What happened that made you *emotion*?”
“I would be *emotion* too if that happened to me.”
 
Once you’ve listened and validated, you will have created a much more productive space to then guide your child in the right direction behaviorally. You could follow up your validation by reminding your child that you love them, but you don’t like _____            behavior, and offering them some alternatives. This strategy will not only help reduce the behaviors you don’t want from your child, but more importantly, help them feel heard and supported.

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Whether your kids are returning to the classroom, virtual learning or a hybrid of both one thing is for certain, this school year will be unlike any we have experienced.

As parents, it’s easy to get caught up in what needs to happen to prepare for this unprecedented academic year but more than ever, it’s essential to stop and check-in with your kids.

The pandemic has been especially difficult for young people. They have been socially isolated from their friends, other family members as well as their teachers. They have not been able to participate in sports, academic, or social clubs for months and now they are about to begin an uncertain school year. It doesn’t matter if they are in college or starting middle school, just take some time to see how they feel about all the changes taking place. How do they feel about wearing a mask all day? Are they anxious about possibly getting sick? Will things ever be the same?

​These are all justified concerns and warrant a discussion.
  
Begin by listening and validating their concerns. Normalize their anxiety.  Help them see what they can control. For example, explain to them that they can minimize their chances of infection by wearing a mask or avoiding crowds. Offer a different perspective by focusing on the positive. Encourage them to journal, enjoy their hobbies or activities that help them relax. The most important thing you can do is let them know is that you are here for them.

​by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

Raising teenagers is challenging under the most normal circumstances.

​Throw in a pandemic, quarantine, and an abrupt end to the school year, and you have a trifecta of turmoil. During the ages of 13-17, it’s normal for our kids to pull away and spend less time with the family, but right now that separation is impossible. These kids have no choice but to retreat into the world of TikTok and Instagram. While this may be convenient and allows us to take care of business during the day, it can also become very isolating for our teens.  For many of us, not becoming the ‘phone police’ has been a challenge.  The anxiety comes from being aware of everything our teens’ impressionable minds have access to on the internet, and the endless amount of free time they now have available to them.
 
While our concern is justified, this is a chance for us to sit down with our kids and learn about what their cyber world looks like. What are their interests? Who do they choose to follow, and why?  After all, these platforms have a lot of influence over our kids’ thoughts and feelings, not only about the world but, about themselves.  While some of this information can help kids escape from loneliness and stay connected with their peers, some of it may also increase their anxiety. Connecting with your kids over their social media is a great way to begin those tricky conversations and help alleviate some of your concerns.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

In any therapeutic relationship, trust is one of the most important factors in supporting positive change. If you are interested in counseling services for a minor, as a parent or guardian, it is important to understand the conditions that help your child build trust with their counselor so that they can get the most out of their experience.
 
In a counseling setting, children and adolescents must feel that they have a safe place to explore their thoughts, emotions, and goals. With your understanding in advance, we shall keep what your child says or does confidential, within age appropriate limits. Depending on the age of the minor in therapy, the parent(s)/guardian(s) and the counselor will discuss what confidentiality will look like, prior to beginning treatment. For example, counseling a very young child will require the counselor and parents to communicate in much more detail about what happens during sessions than counseling a 16-year-old.
 
However, there are always going to be several exceptions to this confidentiality, regardless of the age of the minor. A counselor will share with the parent(s)/guardian(s) any information which is necessary for the safety of their child or adolescent, in addition to any information that is required by law, including if a client expresses that they plan to harm themselves or others, or if they report child or elder abuse. In these scenarios, counselors are required to break confidentiality, whether the client is a minor or an adult.
 
Aside from safety issues, if a counselor believes that it would be helpful to share additional details with the parent(s) /guardian(s), the counselor will usually discuss this with the child and initially encourage them to do so themselves. This would occur more often with older children and adolescents, as with young children the counselor may need to do more of the talking to parents themselves. Of course, if the child does not want to share with their parents but the counselor still believes it would be very helpful, the counselor may still choose to share information with the parent when appropriate.
 
Parent(s)/guardian(s) also always have the right to ask questions regarding general progress and the therapeutic process, and to offer feedback regarding their interactions with their child and their observations in various settings. In this way, counselors and parents work as a team. We as counselors greatly value your consultations with us and your involvement, as it helps us help your child more effectively. We will discuss with you during our initial meeting how you can participate effectively in your child's specific treatment and progress outside of counseling.
 
Depending on the age of the child, it may also be appropriate to schedule additional meetings with the parent(s)/guardian(s) to discuss progress or address their questions or concerns. Parent(s)/guardian(s) can feel free to share information that they feel may be important for the counselor to know at any time, however due to time constraints, a counselor may not always be able to respond in a thorough manner. That does not mean that your communications are not valued, however, as the information you share is always helpful for us!

That said, if parent(s)/guardian(s) would like to have a more in-depth discussion with a counselor regarding their child, we also offer in-person meetings or phone consultations. Occasionally meeting with parents can be a very useful part of the “teamwork” aspect of a young child’s counseling and is always an available option.​

At Trinity Family Counseling Center, we are committed to helping our younger clients, and we are grateful for the trust that you put in us to do so while upholding confidentiality. Our counselors recognize that it can be difficult for parents to be unaware of all the details of their child’s counseling, so we also want to express our appreciation to you for taking this step for your child’s well-being. In return, we are committed to encouraging open communication between your child and you, and we will do everything in our power to help your child achieve their goals and improve their mental health.

​by Liza Hinchey, LLPC, NCC

Liza Hinchey is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. Liza completed dual Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling and Art Therapy from Wayne State University, and works with individuals, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

While some of my younger clients are indeed comfortable sitting on my couch and talking for a full session, more often than not an environment that incorporates play into the therapeutic relationship is more productive and welcoming for young children.
 
For some, depending on their personality and developmental level, play is more of an “ice breaker,” or a non-threatening way to help them feel comfortable opening up to a therapist. They play with their guardians and their teachers, so this familiar activity can help them feel at ease. In these scenarios, we may actually be engaging in more traditional “talk therapy”—we just happen to be playing a game at the same time.
 
For other children, the play itself may be the main therapeutic focus. Children will often act out events and emotions that are occurring in reality in the parallel universe of play. The therapist can then communicate with them by participating in the game, guiding the child to work through feelings and struggles indirectly.
 
And for all children, play therapy allows them to express concepts or feelings that are difficult to put into words, gives them the undivided attention of an adult who isn’t a parent or teacher, and provides them with a safe, accepting space to be themselves. With these conditions, children can experience enormous growth, learning key emotional skills that they can one day carry with them into their adult lives.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Are you struggling to connect with your teen? That might be like asking, “Is the sky blue?!” Parenting a teen is different than in their younger years. However, they are craving to feel love and acceptance from their parents now more than ever.  As parents, we sometimes focus on their mistakes and think our corrections will help them mature. However, the foundation of our relationship with them still needs to be one of love. Teens will be more responsive to your attempts to connect with them if you are speaking in the love language that means the most to them. Each of us responds more to one than the others. It is important to know how your teen feels most loved by you.
 
Here are the five love languages of teens as identified by Gary Chapman, PhD:
 
Words of Affirmation
Teens are searching for their identity and comparing themselves to their peers every day. As parents, we have the opportunity to pour sincere affirmation into them. It can be about their accomplishments, but also let it be about appreciation for their efforts. Let them know you are proud of them for who they are, not just for what they did. Speak words of affection to them. Regular criticism is devastating for a teen with this love language.
 
Quality Time
Teens actually do desire to spend time with their family. If this is their love language, they want your undistracted attention. A common complaint from teens about their parents is that they are not listened to. Their parents are too busy to spend time with them. Put down the phones, share mealtimes, attend their activities and let them know you value their company. Broken promises on time together signal they are not a priority.
 
Touch
If they were the kid who always wanted a hug or a snuggle, they probably still do—but the rules have changed a bit. Continue to hug or pat on the back but NOT in front of their peers. Dads need to still hug their daughters. If this is their love language and they are not receiving it at home, they will look elsewhere for touch.
 
Acts of Service
Some teens feel loved when their parents are willing to help them out. This could mean teaching them a skill like working on a car, taking them to practice or cheerfully assisting with homework. If a teen is helped out begrudgingly, it will not fill their love tank. Some teens take all the support from their parents for granted. However, if it is their love language, they really see it as an expression of love and feel valued by it.
 
Gifts
The key to loving your teen through gifts is to show that you know them well and you were thinking about them. It is not about giving them expensive items to buy their love. If your teen is a budding artist and you bring home a set of paints and brushes from the garage sale, it says you know her and care about her interests. If your son is trying to learn golf, a new glove and golf balls says you’re tuned into his world. Additionally, forgotten birthdays or celebrations will hurt more deeply for this teen.
 
If we love our teens in their love language during middle school and early high school, they will still be in relationship with us by the time they learn to drive. If they have not felt their parents invested time or positive interactions with them by then, they will choose every opportunity to be with their friends when they do begin driving. All teens want a lot of time with their friends. But we have the opportunity as parents to love them, show them we value them, so they will desire a respectful and positive relationship with us throughout their teen years.
 
For more information on this subject, I recommend Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It is debatable which is tougher; being a teenager or the parents of a teenager. The halls of most high schools remind me a bit of a jungle.  There are threats lurking everywhere. The mean girls are quick to pounce on girls who don’t fit in. The cool kids get invited to the parties, but often the price of admission is their willingness to drink or smoke pot.

Some kids are in fear of disappointing their parents’ hopes for good grades. For most teens, it is difficult to keep up with the social and academic pressure. To fit in, they are confronted with a wide range of choices.

As parents, it feels like a struggle between keeping teens on track and granting them independence. It is hard to ease up on the reins and allow them to make decisions that could result in a bad grade or illegal drinking. We don’t want them to threaten their future in any way. Yet how can they be ready for good choices in college if they are restricted from making any during high school? Do they have reasonable freedom to learn from mistakes? Most kids live up to the expectations set for them.

If we convey our belief in their healthy choices and outline consequences for poor choices, we give them the opportunity to choose wisely. If we invest in a relationship that seeks to understand their world, we become a valued voice of influence and not a set of rules to rebel against.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When I’m talking to someone about something important to me, I love the feeling of connection when they truly listen.  If they reflect back how I am feeling about the matter, I know they understand and they care.  However, this does not happen frequently in relationships.

How often do we hear our children exclaim a negative thought, and we try to shut it down?  “Honey, you don’t hate Tommy, you love your little brother!”  “Your teacher is not the meanest teacher ever!” We are in essence dismissing what they are trying to tell us.  We are saying, “Don’t feel that way!” “Don’t come to me with your honest thoughts and feelings.”  Is that the message we want to send? What if we responded with, “Tell me about your teacher.  It sounds like you had a tough day.”

How about when we are talking to other adults? “I’m sure your mammogram will be normal, you have nothing to worry about.”  What if instead we heard, “It sounds like this test is stressful for you.  How can I help?”  In that short sentence our feelings are validated, and it leaves the door open to continue sharing honestly.

When I finish sharing a thought, and my husband nods and comments on my feelings, I know he “gets me”.  He isn’t dismissing my view of the situation, trying to solve it for me or inserting his opinion. I feel respected and cared for. When we listen, we give value to those we love.