​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Some would say Christmas is about gifts and decorations and parties and carols and family. Others would see Christmas as an opportunity to make money or for many, just a time to add to their credit card debt. For some, Christmas only makes them feel sad because it is a reminder of loved ones who are no longer with them. Most would agree that one theme that tends to run through the season is love.
 
If it is about love, what does that look like when life is full of broken relationships?  There is conflict within marriages, families and friendships. How are we to love those we are in conflict with or those who have hurt us?
 
Christmas can be a time of high expectations. We so want to be living in that Hallmark movie where everyone gets along, homes are beautifully decorated, snow is falling and love conquers all in the end. We see social media posts of happy families posing in matching sweaters. We shop for that perfect gift to make our loved one feel special and loved.
 
The whole process of Christmas from planning, to gift buying, to decorating, to meal preparation, to having overnight guests can be exhausting. We want it all to be perfect. Even if it looks perfect,
that one day cannot magically heal all the dysfunction in our lives.
 
We are supposed to act loving but at times that seems impossible because we do not feel loving toward certain people. Relationships are complicated. We all long to be loved unconditionally. We hurt each other. Some hurts are so deep that talking through them with a professional counselor can help to bring healing.
 
From God’s perspective, Christmas is about God Himself, coming to earth in the form of a baby. That baby grew up, lived a holy life and gave His life, the ultimate act of love so that we could have His life and love living in us. The ultimate sacrifice was offered; the highest form of love.  We can only truly love because He first loved us.  In the end, it is all that matters. The decorations, gifts and Hallmark movies will all fade away and the question we will all hear is “Did you love others like I loved you?”
 
Maybe this is what Christmas is really all about.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

The prophet Isaiah shared this good news from God about the birth of Christ to the people of his day who needed encouragement. “For unto us a child is born, a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
 
As a counselor, I love that one description of Jesus is ‘Wonderful Counselor’. God wants to give us guidance and wisdom for our lives. I know how much I desire to help guide and support my clients. Think how much more our heavenly father desires to guide and counsel us. “Your word is like a lamp that guides my steps, a light that shows the path I should take.” Psalm 119:105
 
In a world that is uncertain and at times traumatic if you watch the headlines, it is good to know we are cared for by a ‘Mighty God’ and ‘Everlasting Father’. As Paul writes in Romans, “If God is for us, who can be against us?” Romans 8:31. He is not going anywhere. “Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting, you are God.” Psalm 90:2
 
And finally, Isaiah tells us Jesus is the ‘Prince of Peace’. As we process the heaviness of the recent school shooting, financial or family strains around the holidays, we are in need of peace. Peace that lasts, peace that sustains us through our distress. Jesus told his followers, “I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn’t fragile like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” John 14:27 What a beautiful gift we can count on even in hard times.
 
We are grateful as counselors to offer counsel, strength, endurance and peace from anxiety. But the ultimate source of all of those things resides in Jesus. He is certainly the source of that for me, and I am honored to share it with any clients who desire it as well. “’Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you’, declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 29:12,13

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many of my Christian clients feel hopeless to change their anxious thoughts; often citing they have been anxious most of their lives and they do not know any other way of being. Their anxiety keeps them from living the lives they want to live. They are afraid of making change, going out, being with others, getting sick and a myriad of other things.
 
The term neuroplasticity is one that offers hope. It means that the brain has the ability to rewire itself. New pathways and connections can be created; old troublesome patterns of reacting and thinking can be changed. Although the awareness of neuroplasticity has come into being in the latter half of the 20th century, God, the Creator, knew about it from the beginning of time.
 
He knew that our brains would need to be rewired because he tells us in Romans 12:2 “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
 
The transformation is the rewiring. You may wonder what specifically needs to be rewired? Our thoughts produce feelings and those feelings result in behaviors.
 
Scripture tells us to “test” our thoughts. I will ask my clients to make a list of the things that they worry about and then we will examine each one and ask if the worry is something that is true, or likely to happen. We look at the worst-case scenarios.  If what they are thinking is not true, then we set out to find out what is. Much of the work revolves around what is true about themselves, in light of what God has said, what is true about the nature of God, and what is true about their situation, from God’s perspective.
 
I will ask the client to find a Biblical truth that applies to their distorted thought or worry. Then, to read it over and over. Write it out.  Say it out loud. Pull it apart and meditate on it. Begin to act as though it is true. Turn it into a prayer of thanksgiving.
 
This is no easy task for someone who is used to welcoming anxious or negative thoughts. This vital work leads to a transformed mind that thinks God’s thoughts, resulting in freedom and peace.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

So much is broken in our world. There is injustice, sickness and job loss. Relationships are broken.  We feel isolated, fearful, angry and even despairing. Listening can be a powerful force for healing these problems.
 
Listening well gives us insight into another’s perspective and can change incorrect assumptions that lead to anger. It can make us more aware of how others are being treated or experiencing life and hopefully bring forth greater empathy and compassion. Having someone listen to our pain somehow makes it feel a little better.

Talking about job loss can stimulate new ideas for work or career change. Listening can help those who are lonely. How life-giving it would be if we asked, “what must life be like for …?”, and then were intentional about asking! Having someone help us name our fears and explore them often makes them seem less powerful and more manageable. When they stay inside, they can become more irrational and terrifying.
 
Perhaps you don’t have someone in your life who listens well. A good professional counselor will listen well with the intention to understand.
 
The most powerful listening occurs when we listen to the One who created us. He can change our hearts, bring healing to our broken relationships, and set us free from anger and fear. He can provide direction and turn our despair into hope. The Creator desires to use us to facilitate healing. He had a reason for giving us two ears and one mouth.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many couples remain stuck in the same toxic patterns of interaction, never able to make progress.

Why?
​
Often because there are hurts from the past that have never been communicated, heard, understood and then forgiven. The results are ugly: anger, contempt, partners who are emotionally shut down, hardly able to look at each other, maybe sleeping separately. They cannot move forward until they have taken a few steps backward and for some, years  backward.                        
 
We easily can identify how someone has hurt us. It takes humility and much soul-searching to see and acknowledge how we have hurt someone else. A couple must listen to each other’s hurts, empathize with the hurt, ask questions, listen, ask more questions and reflect until they begin to feel something. Perhaps for the first time, to cry over the pain they have caused. A softening begins, listening improves, and eventually both partners are open to forgive. Tears of joy flow with extending and receiving forgiveness.
 
If the couple are Christ followers, they know they must forgive as the Lord has forgiven them. That’s what love does. We love because He first loved us. We can enter into the wonderful cycle of being loved by our Creator, then loving and forgiving our spouse. We will get stuck again. But if we can articulate the hurt, listen to our spouse’s hurt, then we will be able, by God’s grace, to forgive again and again and again. Perhaps up to something like seventy times seven.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When two individuals choose to get married, they are entering into an exciting new season of life that they will always remember. They are bringing two unique people together who want to blend their strengths and contrasts, differing family backgrounds and create a new family of their own. God in his wisdom gave us a blueprint for this process of beginning marriage in Genesis 2:24. “Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
 
When we follow God’s plan closely, it is a healthy picture of two adult children who shift from a first priority relationship with mom and dad to prioritizing each other. As they are cleaving, they are becoming deeply emotionally attached to one another. They have each other’s back as their first priority over any other family member. They become one flesh physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. They are one unit. They put each other above all others and all commitments. Couples will not do this perfectly. However, when any of these three steps are not implemented, it leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.
 
For a couple to thrive, they MUST leave the nest of parental dependency. Usually this is harder for the parents to adhere to than the adult child. Many parents still see it as their decision how the new couple will spend their holidays, vacations, time with grandchildren, etc. It is born of love and a strong desire to maintain family traditions and maximum contact with their loved ones. However, it is no longer their decision to make! It is the responsibility of the new couple to set boundaries on time with their parents, if their parents are not graciously deferring to their adult children. This is challenging for all, yet it only gets harder if these expectations are not clarified within the first year of marriage and the arrival of grandchildren. When the families are blending, it is imperative that grandparents respect all parties involved and understand they share the grandkids with multiple parties.
 
No matter how long a couple dates before marriage, the first years of marriage are a time of growing emotionally closer to one another. Research has proven that healthy couples achieve closeness, emotional safety and security. God knew that would be the desire of their heart and the best version of marriage. When they are cleaving, they strive to resolve conflict respectfully and honestly. They don’t make decisions like major purchases or job changes or parenting choices without first consulting each other out of respect. They put the needs of their spouse above any other relationship including an ex, a child, or a parent. They share big news with each other first and only disclose what the other is comfortable sharing with others.
 
In Ephesians chapter 5, God shares the roles of husbands and wives. He includes loving each other sacrificially. He instructs both to put the needs of their spouse ahead of their own. In this way they become one as they care more about the other’s needs than their own. This involves physical intimacy needs, parenting, communication… Everything. At this point God intended for the couple to have developed their own identity separate from their parents. They are a new family unit that loves and respects each other as the most important relationship in their lives. They share their hearts and bodies with each other in a way unlike anyone else. They are one.
 
If you are newly married or have been for a long time and are struggling in any of these areas, I hope you will take the time to evaluate which step needs attention. God is the creator of marriage and therefore has a very reliable blueprint to follow for a strong marriage. If you need assistance with any part of these steps, please consider reaching out to a faith-based marriage counselor to help you set boundaries with other family members, grow closer emotionally, and become one with your spouse.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

People often come to counseling because events from their past have damaged how they see themselves.

Past abuse, abandonment, or bullying can result in feelings of worthlessness and unnecessary shame. A Christian counselor can help the client talk through the past events, grieve all that was lost and then examine their thoughts about themselves in light of the Scriptures. Psalm 139: 13 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Truly understanding how we have been created, in the image and likeness of God, dispels the false belief that we are worthless. Does this happen overnight? Not usually. It is a process.
 
Psalm 1 says that if we delight in the law of the Lord, and meditate on it day and night, we are blessed. Why blessed? Because when the truth soaks into our minds, and penetrates our hearts, we are changed by the power of God’s Spirit. The truth sets us free from false beliefs and changes the way we feel and behave. Our countenance begins to change as the truth takes hold in our hearts.
 
Romans 12:2 tells us that we are to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. In the Greek, transformation means a metamorphosis or the complete change from the inside out.
 
A Christian counselor would delight in helping you enter this process of transformation, from one degree of glory to another. (2 Corinthians 3:18)

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

We come to the table with mixed emotions and challenging circumstances. Family conflict is seated and the turkey dinner somehow doesn’t taste as good as last year.  Grief is present and tears saturate the beautiful tablecloth. The chair where an adult child usually sits is empty because family is no longer a priority. Physical pain makes another chair almost impossible to sit on. Another chair is full of worry because its occupant has suddenly lost his job.
 
This is life in a broken world. Conflict, grief, physical pain and financial loss are not strangers to any of us. We fear that our pain will reveal itself in those family photos.
 
We may need to seek professional help to learn new coping skills, gain insight into how to navigate conflict, or have someone just listen to our grief and help us find some light.
 
We might not be able to change our circumstances but we can definitely change the way we think about them. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” If we know that God is good, that He is sovereign in our lives, and that He loves us, we can trust that whatever is happening He is with us, and is working for our good and His glory.

That truth can put a smile on your face. At least long enough for that picture!

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Whether we are a parent, spouse or friend, most would like to be thought of as someone who builds others up.

If we listened to ourselves, what would we hear? Do we take opportunities to speak appreciation? Do we believe the best about each other? Or in “jest” do we put people down; use condemning words that show exasperation, or communicate we don’t have faith in others? “Could you look up from your phone once in a while?”  “I figured you would be late.” “Nice going genius.” “Did it even occur to you to call?”
 
Colossians 3:12-13 speaks about clothing ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. It calls us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have against one another. To be clothed in something implies you can see it on someone immediately. Do my words speak noticeable compassion and kindness? Do my facial expressions and tone represent visible humility, gentleness and patience? Do I typically convey I’m trying to bear with family members and forgive rather than hanging onto grievances?
 
I have learned in my own relationships and as a Christian counselor the impact of choosing respect and humility over sarcasm. When the effort is made to use kind and patient questions, the other person feels valued and understood rather than belittled.
 
What are you clothed with? Is it time to change your wardrobe of words? The changes in relationships are worth the effort, but will require practice. Try wearing gentleness tomorrow.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Sin. Not a popular topic to discuss at a dinner party or really anywhere else. Not so for the followers of Christ; it is something we should be considering on a daily basis.

Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

How is the discussion of sin relevant in Christian counseling? Our sin affects our mental and spiritual health. Unless it is confessed, our guilt and shame can cause a distance between us and God and others. Harsh words, self-centeredness and anger all take their toll on our relationships. Unconfessed sin causes us to lose our joy and peace. Guilt and shame can cause us to be anxious, angry or depressed. Considering our own sin is essential to our relationship with God and to each other. When we do not turn from it, it can destroy us and those around us. Many have suffered because of the sins of others.

We were designed to be in a right relationship with our Creator, and when we are, other relationships tend to go better; broken relationships can be healed.

The good news about this sin stuff is that when we admit it, He forgives it. Yes, this is certainly a topic that can come up in a Christian counseling session. Oh what joy when it is discovered, confessed and forgiven!