I picked up a new sport recently: pickleball. It’s fun. As I’ve been playing, though, I’ve noticed some interesting feelings. My opponent celebrates a winning volley with vigorous claps on her paddle and I feel a tinge of something…irritation? My partner shoots me a determined look as we start a game and urges, “We got this!” and I feel a hint of something…annoyance? At these times I may sense my chest tightening and my mind thinking things like, “Come on, we’re just playing for fun, right? It’s not the pickleball Olympics. Why do you have to be so…competitive?”
Well, guess who’s competitive? I am! But since I’m not comfortable with that aspect of myself, I don’t own it. My psyche deals with this dilemma by defaulting to one of the “defense mechanisms” identified by Freud: projection. My subconscious projects my annoyance and judgment onto anyone but me. Hence, I spot it, I got it. Ouch.
If you’re feeling courageous, consider how this phenomenon might show up in your life. Are there traits in others that you find particularly aggravating? That you judge harshly? That you react to viscerally? Can you bravely, but gently and with abundant grace, allow yourself to wonder if you have those very same traits? Do you spot it because you got it?
Similarly, there may be someone in your life with whom you feel constantly at odds. Oil and water. Your one kid you butt heads with so often. The co-worker you can’t stop complaining about. The other mom at whom you flash a fake smile because inside you just feel irritated. Projection can be present in these places, and it can be painful to probe. Has anyone ever told you that you are actually a lot like someone you have difficulty tolerating? Ouch.
Of course, projection isn’t the only dynamic that can be at play when we are annoyed by someone or have interpersonal conflict. But it’s a common one. As we dare to notice and confront it, to shepherd it out of our subconscious and into the light – maybe with the support of a friend or in therapy – we can experience personal growth and freedom. We can go ahead and admit, “I spot it because I got it” and move through our lives with more awareness, authenticity, and self-acceptance.
