As a counselor, I listen to a lot of conversations between family members. A common theme that blocks people from gaining understanding and a closer connection in their relationship is the “Yeah, but…”.
One person tells their loved one something the other person did that upset them. They are seeking understanding from the other person. They are seeking empathy for their frustration. Unfortunately, what they are most often met with is, “yeah, but…”. The listener is immediately focused on defending their behavior and is done listening to the hurt feelings of the speaker.
The listener might believe they have a very reasonable explanation why they did something that the other person didn’t like. Unfortunately, two things result:
- The listener doesn’t really hear or gain insight into how their behavior affected their family member.
- The speaker feels dismissed, invalidated and uncared about.
Here is a sample conversation between a husband and a wife:
Wife: “Karl, I can’t believe you signed up for a golf league that is on the same night as our daughter’s soccer games!”
Karl: “Yeah, but you know I play in a league every year and this league plays at my favorite course.”
Wife: “Karl, she is sad when you miss her games, and I hate to go to them alone.”
Karl: “Are you kidding me? You’re up in the stands chatting with all the other moms.”
When attempts for understanding are repeatedly ignored and met with a “yeah, but…”, the result will be escalating frustration and disconnect. Karl doesn’t seem to hear his preference for the golf league has upset his wife. He is focused on what is important to him and is missing what is important to her.
If we listen to gain understanding, we stay with the speaker for follow-up questions or reflect their thoughts rather than jumping to explanations or defense. When someone responds with why their behavior makes sense without acknowledging the other’s experience, they are effectively saying, “I don’t care about your problem, and I’m innocent.”
Here is a healthier version between Karl and his wife:
Wife: “Karl, I can’t believe you signed up for a golf league that is on the same night as our daughter’s soccer games!”
Karl: “Are you more upset about me missing her games or that I’m playing golf?”
Wife: “I’m sad that family isn’t more of a priority in your schedule.”
Karl: “You feel that I don’t care about our family? What if I can get a sub for some weeks and still make it to some of her games?”
Wife: “I would appreciate that.”
In this example, Karl asks questions to clarify his wife’s frustration and responds to her with a compromise to demonstrate that he does care. It is a subtle, but important difference that yields lasting rewards.
