“It is a luxury to be understood,” wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson. This rings as true now as it likely did when he penned it in the 1800s. We humans long to be understood. We yearn for the people in our lives to “get” us. When they do, we feel not just heard, but known. This heals our hearts and settles our souls.
Psychology has a name for the delivery of this understanding to another person: “validation.” When we validate someone, we convey with our words, tone, and expression that we understand them. Not just on the surface, but on the deeper levels where their unique logic and meaning mingle and their feelings form. We communicate that how they are thinking and feeling makes sense.
So how exactly do we do this? Let’s look at what validation IS NOT, as well as what it is:
Validation Is Not Agreement – It is a common misunderstanding that to validate someone is to agree with them or approve of their thinking. This is understandable because the word valid means “logically correct.” But this is not what we mean when we are talking about psychological validation. We are not saying another person’s thoughts and feelings are correct – or right or good. Rather, we are saying we can understand how they are seeing and experiencing things. We reflect what is TRUE FOR THEM.
Validation is Not Easy – We must listen with not only our ears but also our heart and mind, attending to the person’s words as well as their nonverbal communication. We must then show that we really understand how they see and feel things through their unique lens.
Validation is a Skill You Can Build – A regular part of my work is helping clients improve their relationships by building validation skills. Therapists can help illuminate ways you are missing rich opportunities for connection or interacting in ways that are invalidating and damaging.
Validation is Worth It – Can you remember a time when someone really “got” you? Maybe they suggested the feeling you were feeling without you even saying it, or they said that based on what they knew about you, they could understand why you were especially upset (or excited, nervous, resentful, etc.). It usually feels wonderful to be validated.
Consider how you might validate your loved ones and, as Emerson said, give them the “luxury” of understanding.
