We need to talk about a poison that has swept our country and is ruining lives. I am not talking about opiates or weed shops on every corner. I am talking about porn. Young men and women are exposed to porn as a matter of coming of age in our society. It is so easily accessible on their phones and laptops. It is dropped in front of them even if initially they weren’t looking for it. It is shared between friends as a cool thing to look at. In short, it is almost inescapable, especially for boys, starting around middle school. This has led to a mentality of “everyone is doing it” which helps rationalize the guilt of continuing the habit of looking at porn.
It shows up in my counseling office as a problem for men 10 to 15 years later when their wives discover they are addicted to porn. The husbands are either too ashamed to tell their girlfriend or fiancée before marriage, or they don’t want to have to give it up. Either way, it is becoming all too common for a wife to learn that porn has been part of her husband’s world since he was 12. It has had an impact on their physical intimacy, and the wife resents just learning about it. This discovery devastates her trust because he has hidden something so concerning from her.
So, what do we do about it? We, as a society need to stop ignoring this as “boys will be boys” and treat it as the poison it is. Look at the results of a recent report on the subject:
“Teens and Pornography,” a report issued in 2023 by Common Sense Media. The report was based on a representative national survey of 1,300 teenagers ages 13 to 17. Some of its findings:
- Seventy-three percent of the respondents (75 percent of boys and 70 percent of girls) said they had watched online pornography. The average age they started was 12. Many began younger.
- Seven in 10 who admitted they had watched porn intentionally said they had done so in the past week.
- Four in 10 said they had watched pornography, including nudity and sexual acts, during the school day. Almost half said they had done so on school-owned devices.
- Of those who watched the past week, 80 percent said they had seen “what appears to be rape, choking, or someone in pain.”
Parents, schools, school counselors and churches need to become more aware of this problem and take action. If you are dating someone seriously and considering a future with them, the subject of porn viewing needs to be discussed. It is a tragic situation when a man or woman has been exposed to the distortions of porn for over a decade when they enter physical intimacy in marriage. Both deserve better.
If you have grown up watching porn and want to do something about it, it is never too late. There are many churches who offer the program “Celebrate Recovery” which is a co-ed recovery program for many issues including porn addiction. There are also many counselors who work with porn addiction including our own Dave Papandrea here at Trinity Family Counseling Center.
