It is easy to find ourselves wishing a relationship was closer, more comfortable, but not wanting to take the first step to make changes.
We view the relationship through the lens of our needs that are going unmet. Maybe a teen is being disrespectful, and it feels they aren’t interested in improving the relationship at all. Maybe a spouse is inconsiderate, and we build up resentment about the ways they wrong us. Or maybe it is a friend that has hurt you that just doesn’t seem to care as much anymore.
What keeps us from making the first step towards a better relationship? A lot of people who are hurting are now in protection mode. It feels risky to extend themselves in kindness and warmth in case they are rebuffed or rejected, again. Unfortunately, that keeps both parties locked in the mindset of “If they show a change of heart, then I will be softer, kinder, more patient, etc.” We hold out, unwilling to give them what they aren’t giving us.
What if we choose to come at it differently? What if we could step back and look at the long-term gain of a restored relationship that makes it worth the risk of reaching out? If we stay focused on what the other person is doing to hurt us, we will struggle to see what we are contributing to the problem. If we are open to examining our own behavior and looking for ways we can bring more respect, more tenderness, more patience, then we are addressing the aspects we can control. Even more, can we evaluate what we need from the other that is currently not happening? Once we make changes in our own behavior, the other party will likely be a bit more open to hearing what we are asking for from them. They cannot read our minds and do not know what our needs are if we don’t express them. Likewise, we are probably missing things they want from us, but we haven’t asked.
So, if your goal is to restore an important relationship that feels stuck in dysfunction, here are the suggested steps:
- Work on yourself first
- Express what you would like from them
- Ask what they would like more of or less of from you
- Keep doing your part even if you don’t see a big return from them
It is critical that you keep up your efforts of softening and respecting their needs if you want to see change. If you work one week on changes but don’t see the other one trying, do not give up! This will take time and the more consistently they see your efforts, the more likely they are to do the same.
“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”
