Relationships hurt sometimes. For many of us this can be a very isolating experience. When we are feeling disconnected from a spouse, a child, or a friend, there may not be too many people to share the pain with. May I suggest a few places to turn when you are hurting in a relationship?
The first place that I would suggest you turn is to God. He loves you, cares about you and sees what you are going through. He also has amazing wisdom to impart that can bring clarity and maturity to relational conflicts. As it says in Proverbs 2: 6 & 8, “For the Lord gives wisdom, and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding…for he guards the course of the just and protects the way of his faithful ones.” When we search the scriptures for encouragement, it is there for us. “And let us not get tired of doing what is right, for after a while we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t get discouraged and give up.” Galatians 6:9. Another helpful verse to remind me of my responsibility towards others comes from 1 Peter 3:8 & 9, “Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.” Regular reading of God’s word and seeking him in prayer provides insight and guidance in how we are to respond to others in challenging situations.
Next, I would encourage you to examine yourself in the conflict. What might you be contributing to the problem that you need to take responsibility for? When we have humility to understand how our words and actions impact the other person, we are on our way to having empathy and a respectful conversation with the other person.
It is important to reach out for some honest communication with the person you have been hurt by. No one can read minds, and it is likely there are assumptions and miscommunications involved in the situation. Let the other person know you are hurting and desire to talk through perceptions on each side. This must not be done on texts. There is too much potential for tone to be misinterpreted on texts. Make it a phone call or a conversation in person. It takes courage, but if you want to keep long lasting relationships, you need to have hard conversations from time to time. It reflects honesty, builds trust, and lets the other person know you value them staying in your life.
I would also encourage you to seek the help and support of a relationship therapist. They are trained to listen carefully to your distress and process it with you objectively. It provides you the opportunity to explain how you are experiencing the hurt and allows for a conversation with the therapist seeking to understand your perspective. That process alone can bring insight to you, the client, of what you are believing about the other person and yourself. It is a safe setting to share all your thoughts and feelings without the concern of being judged or criticized. They might ask questions to help you better understand your own feelings and how you want to approach it with the other person.
If you are really struggling in a relationship, please do not leave counseling as a last resort. Seek out the opportunity to express all your feelings in a safe space with a caring therapist. Then you can begin a productive path towards healing in the relationship and feel more at peace.
