God designed sex to be a beautiful expression of love between a man and a woman in a marriage covenant. It is a picture of God’s love for us; a giving and receiving of love within the safety of a covenant relationship. Love is to be freely given to each other for the purpose of procreation, great pleasure for both, connection and ultimately to the glory of God.
Ephesians 5: 31-32 says, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.”
The hormones released during sex all have amazing purpose. Oxytocin and Vasopressin helps us feel bonded to our partner. Dopamine is a feel-good hormone that reinforces the motivation to continue seeking sexual intimacy. Serotonin can result in a good mood, relaxation, and better sleep. Oxytocin may help relieve pain. What a marvelous design by the Creator! In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve were naked and unashamed. Everything was going as it was planned until they believed that there was life apart from God. They sinned, and shame entered the picture.
So, if God created sexual intimacy for good, why is there so much confusion and shame surrounding it? These are often themes I hear when meeting with clients over sexual issues.
Confusion often comes when we do not hear the truth or we have heard a perversion of the truth about sexuality. So many of us heard nothing about sex growing up and had to glean things from movies, friends or a google search which may have led us into the world of pornography; a total distortion of God’s good gift. Some assumed, by the absence of any talk at home or in the church, that it was shameful or bad and held little value. Others were told just not to do it until you get married. How are we to flip the switch from, “this is a bad thing” to now, that we are married, “it is good?”
Shame can come along if there was sexual abuse in your past. You stuff it down and tell no one because somehow you believe that it was your fault or that no one would believe you if you did tell. Anything sexual is now associated with feelings from your past of fear, shame, and mistrust. Your identity was shattered into pieces as you grew to see yourself as an object to be used. Shame can also be carried from past sexual experiences that have not been brought into the light of the grace of God.
Differing desires cause so much hurt and misunderstanding within marriage. Many women say they have sex just to please their husband; totally unaware of the design of their own bodies for pleasure. The belief of some is that sex is just a physical release that men need when in reality it is often their desire for connection. The fullness of joy in intimacy cannot be found when one partner is agreeing to it out of a sense of obligation.
The reason for this lack of desire in men and women needs to be explored. Shame, misunderstanding of the purpose of sex or problems in the relationship are all barriers to healthy physical intimacy. Husband and wife need to create a safe place where these things can be talked about honestly and openly.
If you are struggling in any aspect of your physical intimacy, a professional counselor can help you gain insight into where you may be stuck. The resulting healing will lead to your experiencing joy and purpose in this wonderful gift.
