How many times have you felt a relationship was strained by feeling misrepresented or misunderstood?
Probably a lot. The problem with communication is that it is biased by our own perspectives, experiences, and expectations. So often, past relationship experiences inform how we perceive comments made in present relationships. If you have been betrayed by an unfaithful partner, you might hear comments from your current partner differently than someone who has never experienced infidelity. You might hear threats to the security of the relationship where there might not be any. Or, if you were raised by a demeaning parent, you might hear insults from others that aren’t the intended message. It could be within the same relationship that you are holding onto conversations and frustrations from the past and applying them to current communication. We are a product of our families of origin, our dating relationships, friendships, and work relationships as well as past trauma. We all develop perspectives of ourselves and others based on messages spoken to us in each of those relationships.
So, what do we do with our wounded connections and interpretations that might not be accurate? We can start by taking an honest look at ourselves from a couple different angles.
- What are our expectations based on past relationships and our assumptions we make in current relationships?
- Do we have unrealistic or unfair expectations?
- Do we anticipate people will treat us the way we were treated in a different setting, and it no longer applies?
- How can we adjust our expectations and responses to fit more accurately in this relationship or the current version of the relationship?
- How is the other person characterized?
Take the person who was cheated on. Are they expecting manipulative or dishonest behavior, so they go looking for it in harmless comments? If so, they are likely to find it even though their partner isn’t doing anything wrong. Can they recognize they are applying an expectation that isn’t accurate of their new partner? Can they more honestly evaluate how their spouse is characterized? Has their spouse ever given them any reason to distrust them? If not, they need to understand their triggers of mistrust and not apply them to someone who hasn’t earned it.
For the adult child who was demeaned by a parent, when their spouse speaks with a tone of frustration, can the adult child recognize they are responding in anger to the painful memory of past treatment that is not currently in play? Can they recognize they are hearing a condemnation and harshness that aren’t part of the current message? Does their spouse typically speak to them with contempt, or are they misinterpreting their spouses’ intentions with past pain?
Perhaps you are in a long marriage, and the accumulation of hurt and disconnect allows for misinterpretation of each other’s intentions or motives. Assumptions can be made and conclusions drawn that may or may not be accurate. Are you responding to what was just said, or is built-up resentment coloring how you hear and respond to your spouse? Are you building a list of deficits in your mate that you look to confirm when you interact? Maybe they are characterized by insensitivity, and it is time for some honest conversations about what each of you are contributing to the disconnect.
It is helpful to recognize that we are products of our past, and that informs our expectations and then our reactions. But the present isn’t necessarily the past. Be honest with yourself about what needs to be left behind and not applied to current relationships. Be honest about what might be an accumulation of anger that needs to be addressed before communication can be productive. It could lead to more realistic expectations and less frustration.
If you need help resolving past messages or learning how to better communicate in a present relationship, seek out a relationship counselor. They can help you heal and have a healthier relationship.
