Self-compassion – or the process of turning compassion inwards toward ourselves – is a powerful practice that’s been repeatedly shown to lead to better overall mental health. Often, we talk about the gentler sides of self-compassion: the ability to validate our own emotions, tell ourselves it’s okay to feel what we’re feeling, prioritize our self-care, etc. This practice of gentleness is essential to our psychological well-being; however, that’s not all there is to being truly compassionate towards ourselves.
Dr. Kristin Neff, an academic researcher and author, has a valuable take on self-compassion: it requires both a gentle, nurturing practice, and what she has coined “fierce self-compassion” (Neff, 2021). While the tender side of self-compassion typically involves how we respond to ourselves inwardly, fierce self-compassion refers to how we take outward actions to take care of ourselves. Without this side of the coin, we can’t access the full benefits of this powerful practice. Fierce self-compassion can look like setting boundaries with others; taking action to provide for or protect ourselves and our health; saying “yes” to our wants and needs and “no” to what doesn’t feel right for us. A big one – often especially relevant for women because of the way we’re socialized, but just as emotionally crucial for men – is learning that it’s okay to actively say “yes” to our feelings and needs, rather than prioritizing the needs of others ahead of our own.
Similar to how parents can offer both gentle, emotional support to their children, as well as advocate outwardly for their needs, protection, and best interests, we can learn to “parent” ourselves in this way. A great way to get started on any form of self-compassion practice is to ask yourself: if I were responsible for a child going through what I’m going through right now, what might I do to comfort them? And, how might I take action to protect their well-being?
