Humble Listening = Productive Communication

In any relationship, people gauge if it is safe to be open with their thoughts and feelings based on the response of the other person. If the common experience with someone is to receive criticism or dismissal of your viewpoint, then you are less likely to share openly. When people don’t share openly, they withdraw, shut down, or become defensive in return.
 
Think of the parent child relationship in this context. Most parents would like their kids to share more of their inner world, their challenges and dreams. How many parents can listen without judging and just receive what their kid is sharing? Even with the best intentions, many parents dismiss their kid’s fears and tell them everything will be okay. How much more sharing would kids do if they felt their viewpoint would be heard and validated as important?
 
In marriage communication we can get very invested in our perspective and struggle to pause our viewpoint long enough to genuinely try to understand our spouse’s perspective. This results in either a lot of arguing or a lot of avoidance of meaningful conversation.
 
Most of us long for relationships that feel safe to say what we really feel. Unfortunately, we can get caught up in our own agendas, perspectives and priorities which then filters what we hear and how we respond. Even if we believe we are operating with the other’s best interests in mind, if it is according to our view and not theirs, we are most likely shutting down vulnerability and honest communication.
 
The solution lies in humility. Rare is the person who listens with this approach: “I will pause my agenda and listen with an open mind because then I can better understand their priorities and values.” The key is having humility to listen to a perspective that might differ from our own. The author in Proverbs 11:2 aptly stated, “With humility comes wisdom.” Paul wrote in Philippians 4:2, “In humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Both verses point to the benefits of humility. Humility promotes wisdom in communicating with others and placing a priority on their interests over ours. If we adopt this approach, our kids and our partner will come to trust that we desire to understand them fully. We consider their perspective as important as our own. We are open to an idea that might not align with our wishes, but could still produce a reasonable outcome. For example, I might not be thrilled with my daughter wanting to attend a certain concert, but I will pause my concerns and allow her to share her reasons for wanting to go. Understanding her perspective is equally as important as my thoughts on the matter. We can then process the subject with both of our perspectives rather than me shooting hers down at the outset. I may not hold the same value as my husband in spending money on his hobby, but because I value him, I will humbly listen to his thoughts on the subject with respect.
 
Can you imagine how different the past year of social media would look if we applied humility in our desire to understand views different from our own? We could pause our soap boxes and words of contempt to hear how the other arrived at such a different conclusion on the subject. The goal would be understanding and not landing a zinger at someone else’s expense. The outcome would undoubtedly be more productive than what actually happened.
 
This is why counseling is helpful. Counselors listen with a priority to understand, not forward their own agenda. The client feels heard, understood and respected in their perspective. The dynamic also differs in that the counselor is able to listen objectively and does not get triggered emotionally as a parent or spouse might. If you are yearning to be heard, try listening to the other with humility. If it feels too challenging in the moment, consider working with a professional counselor who can help you grow in your communication skills and relationships.