When couples come in for counseling, it has taken a lot for them to make that step. In some cases, they have endured years of conflict, poor communication, and frustration before they reach the counselor’s office. It is a big responsibility for a couple’s counselor to walk alongside them in their hurt, help them untangle the confusion, and work with them to bring them back to a healthy, loving connection.
In addition to the role of the counselor, the couple also plays a big part in the process of insight and growth. Most couples can be helped by counseling if they approach it with some key ingredients.
The first ingredient is a willingness to examine themselves individually to see what they might be contributing to their problems. If one comes in expecting their spouse to get fixed so they can have a happy marriage, it won’t work. Every partner has areas they can improve upon whether it’s being less critical, carving out more time for the other, or learning how to listen well to name a few. For faith-based couples, I would add prayer to this ingredient. Couples can pray to be open to change and ask for God’s guidance to lead them to deeper insight and understanding with their spouse.
The second key ingredient is genuinely working – in between appointments – on applying what was discussed during the counseling session. It can feel like an amazing breakthrough to learn new ways to communicate in session. But if the couple comes back after two weeks and they haven’t applied those new skills at all, it is difficult to see any progress. This is the couple’s relationship. They are paying money for support and help to address layers of issues that keep them unhappy. If they are not willing to spend time on assigned reading, exercises, etc., it can result in the counselor working harder than they are to improve their marriage.
The third ingredient is a commitment to consistent scheduling of sessions on the calendar. Ideally, any couple starting out in counseling will come several weeks in a row to build momentum. Many couples will then space it out to alternating weeks due to schedule or financial constraints. When a couple starts missing regular appointments, they can quickly lose ground. Bad habits resurface and both spouses become discouraged. It is unfortunate to see frequent cancelations that are the result of not prioritizing their commitment to counseling. A lack of commitment to consistency can significantly impact the progress – and ultimate success – of the counseling experience.
Most couples have really struggled before they arrive for counseling. Once they take the courageous step to get outside support, they play a very big part in whether the counseling will be helpful. They commit time, dollars, and emotional energy to the process. If they come with the above key ingredients, it is so likely that counseling will prove effective, and they will reap the benefits of a happier and healthier relationship.
