Is Your Relationship Difficult or Destructive? How to Determine the Best Option for Counseling

by Shelley Kruszewski, LLC, NCC

Shelley Kruszewski is a Limited Licensed Counselor (LLC) in private practice and is the newest member of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team.  She has graduated with her Master’s Degree in Counseling from Oakland University.  In addition to her individual case load at Trinity, Shelley also serves as a co-facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group.

Do you ever find yourself asking these questions about your relationship:
 
      Why am I not feeling heard by my partner? 
      Why are disagreements not being resolved? 
      Why is my relationship so confusing? 
 
Have you and your partner tried couples counseling in the past only to find your problems were beyond communicating effectively? Perhaps it is time to consider what type of relationship you are experiencing.

Are you in a difficult relationship?

A difficult relationship is one that could include stressors such as health challenges, finances, career changes, blended families, difficult children, personality differences, and more. The difficulties may also stem from cultural, religious, and value systems.  The disagreements often come from what to prioritize, or changes to consider within lifestyle habits. Both parties find it difficult to communicate respectfully with each other, and compromise is hard. There tends to be high conflict, and issues which are often unresolved.

Are you in a destructive relationship?

A destructive relationship is one in which there is a lack of mutual effort to maintain or repair relationship wounds.  One partner denies, minimizes, or blames the other for the wounds.  They have “power over” the other, either physically, emotionally, financially, mentally, spiritually, or a combination of all of the above. The “under” partner does not feel safe to speak up, set boundaries, or ask for what they want.  If they do speak up, there is a heavy price to pay. Their humanity is attacked while being consistently dismissed, disrespected, and demeaned.

Couples Counseling may be best for a difficult relationship

If you are currently in a difficult relationship, couples counseling may be beneficial to navigate through the pressing issues.  An experienced counselor can help you discover where difficulties are rooted, and offer insights as to how to improve your situation. Counseling can be successful for couples if both partners have an ability to show compassion for past ‘hurts’ they caused with each other and take responsibility for the role they played in those situations. It requires both parties to be vulnerable to work on their relationship.

Individual Counseling may be best for a destructive relationship

If you are currently in a destructive relationship, individual counseling may be a better choice due to your partner’s lack of mutual effort and compassion.  Individual counseling provides a safe place where you can be heard without fear of retaliation.  A professional counselor can validate your situation, and help you build compassion for yourself.  It requires recognizing your personhood, and working on yourself to become whole.  
 
If you are still unsure about how to move forward in your hurting relationship, consider consulting with a professional counselor to help you make an informed decision.
 
Resource: 
Vernick, L. (2013). The emotionally destructive marriage: How to find your voice and reclaim your hope. WaterBrook Press.  

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