When Iām talking to someone about something important to me, I love the feeling of connection when they truly listen. If they reflect back how I am feeling about the matter, I know they understand and they care. However, this does not happen frequently in relationships.
How often do we hear our children exclaim a negative thought, and we try to shut it down? āHoney, you donāt hate Tommy, you love your little brother!ā āYour teacher is not the meanest teacher ever!ā We are in essence dismissing what they are trying to tell us. We are saying, āDonāt feel that way!ā āDonāt come to me with your honest thoughts and feelings.ā Is that the message we want to send? What if we responded with, āTell me about your teacher. It sounds like you had a tough day.ā
How about when we are talking to other adults? āIām sure your mammogram will be normal, you have nothing to worry about.ā What if instead we heard, āIt sounds like this test is stressful for you. How can I help?ā In that short sentence our feelings are validated, and it leaves the door open to continue sharing honestly.
When I finish sharing a thought, and my husband nods and comments on my feelings, I know he āgets meā. He isnāt dismissing my view of the situation, trying to solve it for me or inserting his opinion. I feel respected and cared for. When we listen, we give value to those we love.
AĀ counselorĀ at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to actively listen and give value to those you love instead of shutting down communication.
