If I had a dime, as they say, for every time one of my clients says the word “should,” I’d be rich. Err…maybe not, with inflation, but I’d have A LOT of dimes.
There tends to be an inverse correlation between our “shoulds” and our ensuing emotions:
- Fewer “shoulds” equates to more positive emotions.
- More “shoulds” equates to more negative emotions
(fewer positive ones).
This phenomenon has been highlighted in counseling theories that connect cognitive patterns and mood (perhaps most notably by Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy), who referred to using a lot of “shoulds” as, simply, “shoulding.”
But why? What’s wrong with “shoulding”? Aren’t there things we “should” do, that others (clearly!) “should” do, that “should” be different than they are? A proper answer would be longer than this post. But “should” (and its cousins “must,” “have to,” etc.) weighs us down. It carries irrational beliefs, self-recrimination, and a lack of grace and acceptance. A more accurate and healthier expression is “I wish” or “Idesire.” This allows us to own our wishes as wants, not edicts.
For example, a college student might lament “I should have a clear career path mapped out by now!” Really? Who says? Is that a fact we can verify? It certainly brings harsh judgment onto the self which can fuel negative feelings or depression. If that same person says, “I WISH I had a clear career path mapped out,” they express their desire without the vice grip of a “should.” They then can say what they choose to – again, not should do – about it. They own their feelings without judgment, and they own their opportunity to respond, which is empowering.
Using the phrase “I get to” can level up our thinking even more, adding a dimension of gratitude. For example, saying “I get to research and consider various career paths” fosters appreciation for the resources and freedoms we do have, even if we don’t have the clarity we long for. This is a tough shift for most people but can be positive and powerful.
Changing our thoughts from “should” or “must” to “choose to” or “get to” can be extremely difficult, particularly if we have depression. Becoming aware of and overriding deeply entrenched paradigms is a process. A therapist can help you recognize “shoulding” and other unhelpful thinking patterns to help improve your mood.
