The Value of a Shared History

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

On a recent vacation my husband and I struck up a casual conversation with another couple, who we learned were “scouting” this resort as a possible venue for their 50th anniversary celebration next year. Ron and Patty were delightful. They clearly shared a language all their own, finishing each other’s sentences, and laughing at each other’s jokes.

As often occurs whenever I share with strangers that I am a couples and family counselor, the conversation turned to the topic of marriage. Rather quickly, Patty informed us that she had “almost quit” many times; that they had certainly had their fair share of trials during their marriage, and that “no one knows how to push my buttons like he does…” My husband and I didn’t doubt her as the discussion took this serious turn. However, the next thing she said, with a growing smile on her face, surprised the both of us:

           “…I’ll be so mad and then Ronnie will start to tell one of his stories and I’ll listen…
             and then I’ll realize that I am the only one who knows how his story ends….”

My heart melted with this simple declaration. I believe we had — quite unexpectedly — been privy to the simple secret of this couple’s successful marriage. Valuing a shared history can sometimes be all you need to ride out the troubled waters. The ability to rely on a shared set of memories and life experiences helps to keep a couple connected during the inevitable hardships in a marriage.