Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.
Forgetting to pick up milk on the way home results in your wife spewing all kinds of nasty words at you when you walk in the door. You wonder what is behind all that anger?
Anger is often the easiest emotion to express and can make us feel better for the moment.
So, what could be underneath this mask of anger? Fear. Shame. Guilt. Unmet needs. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. Worry. Jealousy. Hurt. Some of those emotions are more difficult to express or even identify. The anger seems to flow so effortlessly.
Your wife was really hurting because you had been working so much overtime that you hardly had a minute to talk to her during the week. She was not feeling connected or loved. She feared that the disconnection would only go deeper with your demanding work schedule.
So how do you help her understand the angry outburst when she is so flooded with emotion? Realize it wasn’t about the forgotten milk, ask what else might be going on and then take the time to listen.
Sometimes anger is more chronic and deeply rooted from past hurts. The anger could be from being bullied or abused as a child or the death of someone close.
You may benefit from the help of a professionalcounselor who could help you identify the root. Perhaps grieving a loss or forgiving someone who hurt you deeply could bring the freedom you desire from this tyrant called anger.