The Havoc of ADHD in Marriage

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

The addition of ADD/ADHD into the already complicated equation of marriage can result in both partners feeling unloved. Some of the negative (and there are many positives) aspects of ADHD such as impulsiveness, distraction, procrastination, disorganization, and lack of follow-through can wreak havoc in a relationship.

Love is kind.   The impulsive ADHD brain sometimes says unkind things without thinking.

Love listens.   The ADHD mind wanders and is distracted.

Love thinks about the other.   The ADHD brain procrastinates and may not do what it should for the other.

Love trusts.   The ADHD spouse may have difficulty being on time or following through with what was promised.

Love respects the other’s wishes.   The ADHD spouse may have a hard time complying with the other’s desire for order in the house.

Often, the ADHD spouse may be very sensitive to criticism due to having been criticized and misunderstood from a young age. Any perceived criticism may put the ADHD spouse on the defensive, complicating communication and increasing frustration for both parties.

What is it like to have ADHD?

What is it like for my spouse to live with my ADHD?

What is the answer to what often feels like a chaotic mess?

Educate yourself about ADHD and sharpen your communication skills. Stop criticizing and seek to understand one another.

As an ADHD counselor who understands this complicated dynamic, I recommend couples counseling. Understanding what behaviors are a result of ADHD is a huge part of navigating this most exciting, yet challenging, journey.