​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you spent the past year living and working within your home like most of us, you have probably experienced your marriage in a new way.

Maybe you are delighted to eliminate business travel, late meetings and are enjoying lunch with your mate. That’s wonderful. For many couples, it has been a trying time of combining work, parenting, tutoring and marriage dynamics all day, every day. It might be clarifying things you were too busy to notice before about your relationship; or too busy to address.
 
If any of the following descriptions fit, it is time to focus on your marriage so you can have a healthier, happier relationship.

1. There is little connection between the two of you. Your conversations focus on logistics of the day, the week, the kids. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on any subject of substance for fear it would be ignored, rejected or ridiculed. You are lonely and long for the genuine pleasure of the company of your spouse.
2. Conversations quickly escalate to angry words and conflict. You feel misunderstood and unfairly accused. You don’t feel heard by your spouse and each has become defensive. You long for the opportunity to have a calm conversation about issues that concern you without feeling attacked.
3. One or both of you are battling depression or anxiety. It has changed that person and made them harder to reach. How to help them? How do you address their pain and still get your needs met in the relationship?
4. The difference in your parenting styles or issues with your kids have come into sharp focus and you need help. Patience is wearing thin and things are not improving. How do you get on the same page and support your child?
5. You wonder if your spouse is looking outside of your marriage for fulfillment. Or, you are vulnerable to that friendly co-worker for just a warm conversation without any criticism. You struggle to trust each other. One of you is on the brink of an affair or it has already begun.

 
If your relationship resembles any of the above scenarios, you need the help of a counselor. They can help you clarify your problems and begin working towards a closer connection and a much more fulfilling marriage.

Don’t wait.

​Healing your marriage could be the good thing that came from a global pandemic.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Do you ever find yourself comparing your husband, your wife, your child to another? Your friend’s husband loves to cook and you think, “Why doesn’t my husband ever cook?” Your friend’s wife is skilled in decorating, and you wonder how great your house would look if your wife could do that. You attend the school ceremonies and wish your child was going up to receive awards for outstanding grades. This could be especially tempting when a relationship is struggling. Why isn’t my husband more patient like so and so? Why does my wife spend more money than Joe’s wife?
 
The truth is, there are many positives to find in our loved ones, but it takes a willingness to see them. Comparisons often involve what is familiar and expected. If mom was a great cook, then your wife should be. If dad was super handy, then your husband should be. We could spend our days lost in the disappointment of comparisons when in fact there is so much to celebrate. If we open our eyes to all someone brings instead of what is missing, we gain the pleasure of contentment. There is a choice to accept this skill / gift over that one. Your child may not be very organized, but they have a kind heart! Your husband might not be handy, but look how he engages with the kids.
 
The acceptance of personality styles and varied talents leads to affirmation over criticism. Acceptance breeds contentment and a closer connection in the relationship.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

For all the challenging changes in our lives due to the Coronavirus, it presents some opportunities as well. How often did we used to say, “If only I had more time, I would...”? If I only had more time I would exercise regularly, connect with my kids more, talk to my spouse more, cook healthier meals, etc. Well, many of us have stopped having to commute to work and are working from home. I acknowledge that parents of school age kids find themselves with more on their plate than less. But for the rest of us, here we are with extra time in our day and more time for those ideal activities. How many of them have you started?
 
When it comes to connecting with our family members more, it is useful to first examine how we typically communicate with them. Do we listen and let them finish their thought before jumping in with our thoughts or solution? Do we ask questions to clarify their perspective so they know we are invested in truly hearing and understanding them before we begin speaking? People are drawn to relationships where they feel heard. Do you have any relationships where you wish they were seeking you a bit more? Perhaps it is worth evaluating your listening skills to see if there is room for improvement.
 
Another area that puts the disconnect in family dynamics is criticism. As parents, it is our role to instruct and prepare our children and teens to become independent, functioning members of society. Unfortunately, many parents see that as a license to criticize and correct all day long. Think about your best boss. They probably knew how to encourage your best work rather than criticize you repeatedly to get it. Again, evaluate yourself honestly in your relationships and listen to the words and tone you use. Would you feel encouraged or condemned? Are you sarcastic at their expense? We have the option to focus on critiquing the behavior we don’t want, or cast a positive vision for the behavior we do want. Instead of, “Your room is such a mess. No one will want to live with you when you leave this house.” You could try, “I would like you to put your dirty clothes in the laundry basket each night before bed please.” Instead of, “I’m sick of all your dishes on the counter”, you could say, “everyone is responsible for putting their dishes in the dishwasher”. Then mean it. If dishes aren’t going into the dishwasher, have a family conversation with respect and discuss the dilemma and how to solve it. You’re modeling best boss practices enlisting others to help solve the problem, so they have a desire to participate in the solution.
 
When you do see your family members doing something positive, mention it to them in words of affirmation or appreciation. “I noticed you took out the trash without being reminded. Way to go.” “I saw you working to finish your homework before playing video games yesterday. Nice job.” It is human instinct to repeat the behavior we are rewarded for. When people feel noticed and affirmed for positive contributions to the household, they want to do it more often. “Thanks for driving Johnny to soccer practice. It really helped me out.”
 
These are days we might never get back again! What if this time of staying home from public events and hanging out at the home front could be a time of improved communication, closer relationships and even more fun? There are games to be played, walks to be taken, conversations to begin, meals to make together that could all add up to sweeter connections than ever before.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In this pandemic quarantine we are experiencing loss in multiple ways. The impact this pandemic is having on so many is hard, and for brides and grooms it’s especially difficult. After months of planning, saving and dreaming of their wedding day, they are having to cancel, postpone or scale it back to immediate family. It is a lot of effort to plan a wedding, and the sudden cancellation of it is justifiably painful. However, this situation might also present an opportunity.
 
When a couple moves closer to their wedding day, discussions tend to focus on wedding details. What is often missed is how they are doing in their relationship. How do they communicate and resolve issues? Are they able to discuss hurt and misunderstandings that occur? Do they feel emotionally connected or dismissed and discounted? Are there healthy boundaries for both families equally or is one set of parents running over the couple? Unfortunately, as the wedding approaches, these concerns get pushed to the back burner to be addressed later, if at all.
 
Although the cancellation of the big event brings its own stress, hopefully it allows the focus to return to their relationship. How do they handle disappointment? Are they still excited to get married without the big party? Do they feel supported by the other in their stress? No matter when you are getting married, if you recognize your relationship could use some help, please reach out to a professional for pre-marital counseling.

Healthy and long-lasting relationships are more important than beautiful weddings.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

One of the greatest gifts to marriage can become its biggest challenge if couples aren’t careful. I am talking about sexual intimacy. Generally speaking, men have a stronger drive for sex than women, and it can get out of balance pretty quickly especially after children are born.
 
Most women are busy with work, children and running a household. By nightfall they are dreaming of rest. Most men are busy with work, kids and household chores and are dreaming of a romantic encounter at day’s end. How to navigate the difference in expectations without it becoming a wedge in the relationship?
 
For men who are frustrated that sex isn’t on their wife’s radar, take an honest look at your relationship. Great sex is not going to happen if two people are emotionally disconnected most of the time. Many women would love more romance in their marriage, but first they would like some help with the kids and someone interested in how their day went.
 
When intimacy sounds like one more demand placed on them, it’s important for women to remember that sexual intimacy is like oxygen for men.  It is a primary way to connect emotionally to their wife, and regular rejection communicates wholesale rejection of them as a man. Women pour out extra effort when hosting friends, are they willing to pour out that extra effort to convey love and acceptance of their guy?
 
When we desire to put each other’s needs first in the relationship, sexual intimacy will thrive.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Someone recently wished me a good day as a counselor with, “Give good advice!” It struck me that many people may see that as the role of a counselor. I have also heard spouses share their partner’s reluctance to join couples counseling because, “They don’t need someone to tell them what to do.” There are many reasons to go to a counselor and benefits to gain from the experience. However, the role of a counselor is actually not to give advice.
 
Here are some reasons to seek counseling you may not have thought of:

• Talking to someone that is objective, caring and skilled at listening to what is troubling you can provide relief as you process how you want to move forward.
• Processing a difficult matter with someone you trust to keep it confidential when you are not ready to share it with family members or friends.
• Seeking insight of someone trained to help you cope with the issue that brought you to counseling whether it be anxiety, depression, marital problems, grief, parenting, anger, etc.
• Gaining the facilitating skills of a counselor to keep family or couple discussions calmer and more productive.
• Finding someone for a struggling child, adolescent or teen to talk to in a safe, confidential place.

 
Each of these examples is about developing a relationship with a trusted counselor that allows you to process your issue in a safe setting that promotes insight and growth.
 
Thinking about it? Give it a try.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Couples in counseling learn that the four most destructive ways to treat their spouse in conflict are:
 

1. Criticize the other personally
2. Show contempt/disgust for the other
3. React defensively without taking any responsibility
4. Withdraw and shut down communication

 
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist, researcher, and clinician has identified these behaviors as sure predictors of divorce if not addressed and changed. He found that couples who begin conversations with respect and nurture a friendship in the relationship have healthier conflict resolution and happier marriages.
 
Some parents talk to their children with the same four destructive behaviors which is equally devastating for kids. Dr. Gottman says that contempt is the killer of relationships because it conveys, “I am superior and you are an idiot.” Children retreat from or respond in anger to a parent who repeatedly criticizes and condemns.  According to Dr. Gottman, the antidote to contempt is affirmation. If we encourage and affirm our children, they will feel valued by us. The more we look for the positives in our children and nurture mutual respect, the less likely both parents and children will be to attack and demean in conflict.
 
Hopefully parents, you will see this as reaping what you sow. If you tend to find fault daily and are not open to owning your mistakes, you will shut down communication and the relationship. If you speak with kind words and do not overreact with harshness, you will reap a closer, more respectful relationship with your child.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Almost everyone has heard of the hit song by Aretha Franklin, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It definitely makes for a catchier title and tune, but in many ways V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E is the unsung hero of great communication.
 
Validate is defined as “supporting the truth or value of”. When we share our feelings with a loved one, we long to know they support the truth of our perspective and value our feelings. The art of skilled listening is to be able to reflect back to someone their thoughts and feelings.
 
When two people argue over differing perspectives, they have a choice in how to proceed. They can dig in and continue to offer every point that supports their position. Or they can choose to truly listen to what the other person is saying and feeling and let them know their position has worth. This doesn’t mean they agree with it; it means they have paused their position long enough to really hear and understand the other person. It means they have not dismissed the other person as unreasonable or invalid.
 
The next step after you validate your partner’s perspective is to offer empathy. When you can put yourself in their position and attempt to experience their feelings on the matter, you are saying your feelings matter to me. “It sounds like you were hurt by my comments, and I can see how you would feel that way.” This involves choosing to listen and working to convey understanding to another. It can lead to beautiful harmony. 

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When two individuals choose to get married, they are entering into an exciting new season of life that they will always remember. They are bringing two unique people together who want to blend their strengths and contrasts, differing family backgrounds and create a new family of their own. God in his wisdom gave us a blueprint for this process of beginning marriage in Genesis 2:24. “Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
 
When we follow God’s plan closely, it is a healthy picture of two adult children who shift from a first priority relationship with mom and dad to prioritizing each other. As they are cleaving, they are becoming deeply emotionally attached to one another. They have each other’s back as their first priority over any other family member. They become one flesh physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. They are one unit. They put each other above all others and all commitments. Couples will not do this perfectly. However, when any of these three steps are not implemented, it leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.
 
For a couple to thrive, they MUST leave the nest of parental dependency. Usually this is harder for the parents to adhere to than the adult child. Many parents still see it as their decision how the new couple will spend their holidays, vacations, time with grandchildren, etc. It is born of love and a strong desire to maintain family traditions and maximum contact with their loved ones. However, it is no longer their decision to make! It is the responsibility of the new couple to set boundaries on time with their parents, if their parents are not graciously deferring to their adult children. This is challenging for all, yet it only gets harder if these expectations are not clarified within the first year of marriage and the arrival of grandchildren. When the families are blending, it is imperative that grandparents respect all parties involved and understand they share the grandkids with multiple parties.
 
No matter how long a couple dates before marriage, the first years of marriage are a time of growing emotionally closer to one another. Research has proven that healthy couples achieve closeness, emotional safety and security. God knew that would be the desire of their heart and the best version of marriage. When they are cleaving, they strive to resolve conflict respectfully and honestly. They don’t make decisions like major purchases or job changes or parenting choices without first consulting each other out of respect. They put the needs of their spouse above any other relationship including an ex, a child, or a parent. They share big news with each other first and only disclose what the other is comfortable sharing with others.
 
In Ephesians chapter 5, God shares the roles of husbands and wives. He includes loving each other sacrificially. He instructs both to put the needs of their spouse ahead of their own. In this way they become one as they care more about the other’s needs than their own. This involves physical intimacy needs, parenting, communication… Everything. At this point God intended for the couple to have developed their own identity separate from their parents. They are a new family unit that loves and respects each other as the most important relationship in their lives. They share their hearts and bodies with each other in a way unlike anyone else. They are one.
 
If you are newly married or have been for a long time and are struggling in any of these areas, I hope you will take the time to evaluate which step needs attention. God is the creator of marriage and therefore has a very reliable blueprint to follow for a strong marriage. If you need assistance with any part of these steps, please consider reaching out to a faith-based marriage counselor to help you set boundaries with other family members, grow closer emotionally, and become one with your spouse.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you are an engaged couple, you have many exciting things to think about. There are wedding rings to buy, dates to book, flowers and a cake to order, not to mention the all-important wedding gown! Something that might not be on your ‘to do’ list is premarital counseling. Consider that long after the excitement of the wedding day passes, your day to day relationship becomes very important. Even the most committed couples will experience some bumps in the road that might not fade away over time.
 
Have you dated long enough to know how to manage conflict and communicate successfully? Do you know how to pursue emotional intimacy and speak each other’s love language to ensure you stay closely connected? Have you discussed how you will set boundaries during holidays with your families as a couple? Are there topics that turn into a fight so quickly that you have just decided to avoid them? Is there a dynamic in your relationship that concerns you, but it feels difficult to address with your fiancée?
 
The merging of two individuals and families almost guarantees the need for growth in relationship skills.  Premarital counseling is considered a key ingredient in keeping marriages strong. As a Christian counselor, I help couples understand the biblical roles of husband and wife as well as specific communication, conflict and emotional needs for the couple. An engaged couple that pursues premarital counseling is wise in planning for a happy life after the wedding day.