by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Couples in counseling learn that the four most destructive ways to treat their spouse in conflict are:
 

1. Criticize the other personally
2. Show contempt/disgust for the other
3. React defensively without taking any responsibility
4. Withdraw and shut down communication

 
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist, researcher, and clinician has identified these behaviors as sure predictors of divorce if not addressed and changed. He found that couples who begin conversations with respect and nurture a friendship in the relationship have healthier conflict resolution and happier marriages.
 
Some parents talk to their children with the same four destructive behaviors which is equally devastating for kids. Dr. Gottman says that contempt is the killer of relationships because it conveys, “I am superior and you are an idiot.” Children retreat from or respond in anger to a parent who repeatedly criticizes and condemns.  According to Dr. Gottman, the antidote to contempt is affirmation. If we encourage and affirm our children, they will feel valued by us. The more we look for the positives in our children and nurture mutual respect, the less likely both parents and children will be to attack and demean in conflict.
 
Hopefully parents, you will see this as reaping what you sow. If you tend to find fault daily and are not open to owning your mistakes, you will shut down communication and the relationship. If you speak with kind words and do not overreact with harshness, you will reap a closer, more respectful relationship with your child.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Almost everyone has heard of the hit song by Aretha Franklin, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It definitely makes for a catchier title and tune, but in many ways V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E is the unsung hero of great communication.
 
Validate is defined as “supporting the truth or value of”. When we share our feelings with a loved one, we long to know they support the truth of our perspective and value our feelings. The art of skilled listening is to be able to reflect back to someone their thoughts and feelings.
 
When two people argue over differing perspectives, they have a choice in how to proceed. They can dig in and continue to offer every point that supports their position. Or they can choose to truly listen to what the other person is saying and feeling and let them know their position has worth. This doesn’t mean they agree with it; it means they have paused their position long enough to really hear and understand the other person. It means they have not dismissed the other person as unreasonable or invalid.
 
The next step after you validate your partner’s perspective is to offer empathy. When you can put yourself in their position and attempt to experience their feelings on the matter, you are saying your feelings matter to me. “It sounds like you were hurt by my comments, and I can see how you would feel that way.” This involves choosing to listen and working to convey understanding to another. It can lead to beautiful harmony. 

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When two individuals choose to get married, they are entering into an exciting new season of life that they will always remember. They are bringing two unique people together who want to blend their strengths and contrasts, differing family backgrounds and create a new family of their own. God in his wisdom gave us a blueprint for this process of beginning marriage in Genesis 2:24. “Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
 
When we follow God’s plan closely, it is a healthy picture of two adult children who shift from a first priority relationship with mom and dad to prioritizing each other. As they are cleaving, they are becoming deeply emotionally attached to one another. They have each other’s back as their first priority over any other family member. They become one flesh physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. They are one unit. They put each other above all others and all commitments. Couples will not do this perfectly. However, when any of these three steps are not implemented, it leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.
 
For a couple to thrive, they MUST leave the nest of parental dependency. Usually this is harder for the parents to adhere to than the adult child. Many parents still see it as their decision how the new couple will spend their holidays, vacations, time with grandchildren, etc. It is born of love and a strong desire to maintain family traditions and maximum contact with their loved ones. However, it is no longer their decision to make! It is the responsibility of the new couple to set boundaries on time with their parents, if their parents are not graciously deferring to their adult children. This is challenging for all, yet it only gets harder if these expectations are not clarified within the first year of marriage and the arrival of grandchildren. When the families are blending, it is imperative that grandparents respect all parties involved and understand they share the grandkids with multiple parties.
 
No matter how long a couple dates before marriage, the first years of marriage are a time of growing emotionally closer to one another. Research has proven that healthy couples achieve closeness, emotional safety and security. God knew that would be the desire of their heart and the best version of marriage. When they are cleaving, they strive to resolve conflict respectfully and honestly. They don’t make decisions like major purchases or job changes or parenting choices without first consulting each other out of respect. They put the needs of their spouse above any other relationship including an ex, a child, or a parent. They share big news with each other first and only disclose what the other is comfortable sharing with others.
 
In Ephesians chapter 5, God shares the roles of husbands and wives. He includes loving each other sacrificially. He instructs both to put the needs of their spouse ahead of their own. In this way they become one as they care more about the other’s needs than their own. This involves physical intimacy needs, parenting, communication… Everything. At this point God intended for the couple to have developed their own identity separate from their parents. They are a new family unit that loves and respects each other as the most important relationship in their lives. They share their hearts and bodies with each other in a way unlike anyone else. They are one.
 
If you are newly married or have been for a long time and are struggling in any of these areas, I hope you will take the time to evaluate which step needs attention. God is the creator of marriage and therefore has a very reliable blueprint to follow for a strong marriage. If you need assistance with any part of these steps, please consider reaching out to a faith-based marriage counselor to help you set boundaries with other family members, grow closer emotionally, and become one with your spouse.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you are an engaged couple, you have many exciting things to think about. There are wedding rings to buy, dates to book, flowers and a cake to order, not to mention the all-important wedding gown! Something that might not be on your ‘to do’ list is premarital counseling. Consider that long after the excitement of the wedding day passes, your day to day relationship becomes very important. Even the most committed couples will experience some bumps in the road that might not fade away over time.
 
Have you dated long enough to know how to manage conflict and communicate successfully? Do you know how to pursue emotional intimacy and speak each other’s love language to ensure you stay closely connected? Have you discussed how you will set boundaries during holidays with your families as a couple? Are there topics that turn into a fight so quickly that you have just decided to avoid them? Is there a dynamic in your relationship that concerns you, but it feels difficult to address with your fiancée?
 
The merging of two individuals and families almost guarantees the need for growth in relationship skills.  Premarital counseling is considered a key ingredient in keeping marriages strong. As a Christian counselor, I help couples understand the biblical roles of husband and wife as well as specific communication, conflict and emotional needs for the couple. An engaged couple that pursues premarital counseling is wise in planning for a happy life after the wedding day.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Whether we are a parent, spouse or friend, most would like to be thought of as someone who builds others up.

If we listened to ourselves, what would we hear? Do we take opportunities to speak appreciation? Do we believe the best about each other? Or in “jest” do we put people down; use condemning words that show exasperation, or communicate we don’t have faith in others? “Could you look up from your phone once in a while?”  “I figured you would be late.” “Nice going genius.” “Did it even occur to you to call?”
 
Colossians 3:12-13 speaks about clothing ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. It calls us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have against one another. To be clothed in something implies you can see it on someone immediately. Do my words speak noticeable compassion and kindness? Do my facial expressions and tone represent visible humility, gentleness and patience? Do I typically convey I’m trying to bear with family members and forgive rather than hanging onto grievances?
 
I have learned in my own relationships and as a Christian counselor the impact of choosing respect and humility over sarcasm. When the effort is made to use kind and patient questions, the other person feels valued and understood rather than belittled.
 
What are you clothed with? Is it time to change your wardrobe of words? The changes in relationships are worth the effort, but will require practice. Try wearing gentleness tomorrow.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

I am a counselor. I help people resolve conflicts daily. But no matter how experienced you are on this topic, it can be very challenging to handle it well at times.
 
I recently had a tough conversation with someone I care about. The flood of emotions I felt during and after our discussion went something like this: I felt wrongly accused and hurt that someone I thought was safe was turning against me; I felt misunderstood and unfairly judged when I tried to explain my perspective.
 
I alternated between wanting to cry and feeling really mad. In hindsight, I recognized that I had violated the “Rules for Fighting Fair” that I have shared with my clients hundreds of times. It all felt very muddy and confusing. Why couldn’t I be understood? Why was it so hard to stay calm when I know that it is much more helpful to do so? I realized that the conversation went on longer than was productive. I struggled to validate the other person’s point of view as I did not feel validated myself. We got stuck.
 
I thought about how a counselor would be helpful in this situation. An emotionally uninvolved and objective counselor is able to reflect more clearly on a situation than someone who is upset and hurting. Do you find yourself feeling “stuck” regularly in a certain relationship? If so, a counselor can help sort it out from an unbiased perspective and bring clarity and relief from the frustration and hurt.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Are you struggling to connect with your teen? That might be like asking, “Is the sky blue?!” Parenting a teen is different than in their younger years. However, they are craving to feel love and acceptance from their parents now more than ever.  As parents, we sometimes focus on their mistakes and think our corrections will help them mature. However, the foundation of our relationship with them still needs to be one of love. Teens will be more responsive to your attempts to connect with them if you are speaking in the love language that means the most to them. Each of us responds more to one than the others. It is important to know how your teen feels most loved by you.
 
Here are the five love languages of teens as identified by Gary Chapman, PhD:
 
Words of Affirmation
Teens are searching for their identity and comparing themselves to their peers every day. As parents, we have the opportunity to pour sincere affirmation into them. It can be about their accomplishments, but also let it be about appreciation for their efforts. Let them know you are proud of them for who they are, not just for what they did. Speak words of affection to them. Regular criticism is devastating for a teen with this love language.
 
Quality Time
Teens actually do desire to spend time with their family. If this is their love language, they want your undistracted attention. A common complaint from teens about their parents is that they are not listened to. Their parents are too busy to spend time with them. Put down the phones, share mealtimes, attend their activities and let them know you value their company. Broken promises on time together signal they are not a priority.
 
Touch
If they were the kid who always wanted a hug or a snuggle, they probably still do—but the rules have changed a bit. Continue to hug or pat on the back but NOT in front of their peers. Dads need to still hug their daughters. If this is their love language and they are not receiving it at home, they will look elsewhere for touch.
 
Acts of Service
Some teens feel loved when their parents are willing to help them out. This could mean teaching them a skill like working on a car, taking them to practice or cheerfully assisting with homework. If a teen is helped out begrudgingly, it will not fill their love tank. Some teens take all the support from their parents for granted. However, if it is their love language, they really see it as an expression of love and feel valued by it.
 
Gifts
The key to loving your teen through gifts is to show that you know them well and you were thinking about them. It is not about giving them expensive items to buy their love. If your teen is a budding artist and you bring home a set of paints and brushes from the garage sale, it says you know her and care about her interests. If your son is trying to learn golf, a new glove and golf balls says you’re tuned into his world. Additionally, forgotten birthdays or celebrations will hurt more deeply for this teen.
 
If we love our teens in their love language during middle school and early high school, they will still be in relationship with us by the time they learn to drive. If they have not felt their parents invested time or positive interactions with them by then, they will choose every opportunity to be with their friends when they do begin driving. All teens want a lot of time with their friends. But we have the opportunity as parents to love them, show them we value them, so they will desire a respectful and positive relationship with us throughout their teen years.
 
For more information on this subject, I recommend Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and many are feeling disappointed with their experience. He didn’t sweep her off her feet as she had envisioned, and she wasn’t into being a lingerie runway model as he had fantasized. That is what our culture tells us Valentine’s Day is about… gifts, romance, an expensive dinner and incredible sexual intimacy to top it all off.

Those expectations set most of us up for disappointment since they are based on superficial symbols of love. It’s like we buy into the hype; if we have a good Valentine’s Day, all is well in our relationship. And if it falls short, we must have a problem.

But what about the heart of love? I don’t mean the chocolate kind, I mean the putting each other first, I want to know you deeply kind of love that lasts more than just one day in February. When we define our love as what we receive from the other, we are destined for dissatisfaction because we are using the wrong model. The best model ever given was written two thousand years ago.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Most of us would trade in a lot of chocolate and roses for a relationship that followed this model:

She forgot to pick up the dry cleaning? He patiently and kindly says he can get it on his way home tomorrow. She receives a bonus at work? He celebrates her big news without a hint of envy or thoughts of himself. He lost weight while she is struggling to do so? He will not rub that in her face or make her feel badly about herself. They get in a fight? They are not too proud to say I’m sorry. Other wives at the party are tearing down their husbands? She affirms what she admires about him in front of others. She asks about his day and listens closely before talking about hers. She chooses to hold her tongue from angry words when he is late for dinner. He does not list all the times she has let him down. She does not look for ways to condemn him; she looks for opportunities to build him up. He will stand up for her to his family.  They will not need to check each other’s phones because they trust each other. They don’t threaten divorce; they say we are going to make it. They make mistakes in their relationship and they commit to taking responsibility and growing stronger as a couple.

This is the kind of love that wakes up each day committed to the other in ways large and small. This is the kind of love that recognizes the damage of hurtful words and strives for the self-control not to say them. This love sacrifices her first choice of taking a hot bath to watch a hockey game with her husband when he asks. This love says I find you more attractive than anyone else, and I desire you. This love is strengthened by asking God to guide their relationship and seeks his help in difficult times. This love says if we are struggling, let’s find support through our church, mentor or counselor rather than building a wall between us.

I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. But if you didn’t, there are 364 days left in the year to apply this model that will have a far deeper impact on your relationship.

 Happy Day after Valentine’s Day!

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Have you heard that a frog will sit in a pot of water on a stove unaware that the temperature is rising until it boils and cooks him? He is fully capable of jumping out and saving himself, but he doesn’t because he does not realize he is in danger.

Couples that dabble in social media relationships are a lot like frogs. It might begin innocently enough when someone starts chatting with an old friend from high school or texting with a co-worker. The conversations don’t seem like a threat to anyone’s marriage and they slowly become more frequent. By the time feelings are developing or a spouse stumbles upon the messages exchanged, it’s too late to jump out. You’re already cooked.

Here are two crucial red flags to recognize to protect your marriage. If you find yourself having any kind of exchange with someone that would make you uncomfortable to share with your spouse, it needs to stop immediately. If you look forward to connecting to this online relationship more than talking with your spouse, you are sharing your heart with the wrong person. You need to be taking that relationship building effort to your marriage, not to someone else.

If you realize that it has been a while since you looked forward to spending time with your spouse, it is critical to address that sooner rather than later. Be honest with yourselves about the status of your relationship and seek couples counseling to regain your connection with each other.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It is debatable which is tougher; being a teenager or the parents of a teenager. The halls of most high schools remind me a bit of a jungle.  There are threats lurking everywhere. The mean girls are quick to pounce on girls who don’t fit in. The cool kids get invited to the parties, but often the price of admission is their willingness to drink or smoke pot.

Some kids are in fear of disappointing their parents’ hopes for good grades. For most teens, it is difficult to keep up with the social and academic pressure. To fit in, they are confronted with a wide range of choices.

As parents, it feels like a struggle between keeping teens on track and granting them independence. It is hard to ease up on the reins and allow them to make decisions that could result in a bad grade or illegal drinking. We don’t want them to threaten their future in any way. Yet how can they be ready for good choices in college if they are restricted from making any during high school? Do they have reasonable freedom to learn from mistakes? Most kids live up to the expectations set for them.

If we convey our belief in their healthy choices and outline consequences for poor choices, we give them the opportunity to choose wisely. If we invest in a relationship that seeks to understand their world, we become a valued voice of influence and not a set of rules to rebel against.