by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

We are born into a healthy, loving, committed marriage, or a chaotic, unstable, and dysfunctional relationship... or more likely, somewhere in between these extremes. The point is, we don’t get to choose.
 
Our family of origin experiences have an enormous impact on the trajectory of our lives.
 
Fathers teach sons how to love a woman and how to lead a family... or they don’t. Fathers teach daughters what they deserve from a man — love, respect, and partnership… or they don’t.
 
Mothers teach sons to recognize and honor the love of a woman; the importance of her voice of reason and her comfort... or they don’t. Mothers teach daughters how to love, respect and encourage a good and honorable man... or they don’t.
 
We take what we learn from these experiences into our future as we test the waters of our adult relationships. If we are able to recognize and admit that we are falling short, we often struggle to understand the role of those early influences.
 
The challenge is to recognize those early influences and to comprehend the impact they have had on our current choices; to be able to identify and choose a different course of action than might have been modeled by those whose behaviors initially influenced us.
 
The guidance of a caring mental health counselor can provide the safety and opportunity to explore the impact of the family we grew up with on our thoughts, values, and beliefs about ourselves as individuals and as partners.

by Debbie Caine, LLPC (Pending)

Debbie Caine a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at  Trinity Family Counseling Center. She completed her Master’s degrees in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Oakland University, and works with individuals, couples, families, and groups across a range of presenting issues.

As a species, we are all created for connection and we have a basic human need to belong.

We learn this fact from the time we are young and as we age.  In the Ted Talk entitled, What Makes a Good Life?, there are lessons learned from an ongoing 75-year Harvard study on happiness.  The study revealed that good relationships keep us happier and healthier.  Lessons taken from the research conclude that individuals that are more socially connected to family, friends, and community are happier, physically heathier, and live longer.

It is NOT the number of friends that you have or even if you are in a committed relationship, but it IS the quality of your close relationships that matter.  Living in the warmest relationships proves to be protective.
 
Good relationships and connections don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains.  People in relationships that feel they can count on each other in times of need benefit greatly.  What are the challenges and obstacles to achieving these healthy connections?

Perhaps we need to notice changes we can make daily to improve our relationships and provide opportunities.  Some changes may mean that we pay attention and trade screen time for people time.  If you find that you are lonelier than you would like to be, consider talking to a professional counselor who can help you sort it out.
 
“Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”
John 15:13

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you are an engaged couple, you have many exciting things to think about. There are wedding rings to buy, dates to book, flowers and a cake to order, not to mention the all-important wedding gown! Something that might not be on your ‘to do’ list is premarital counseling. Consider that long after the excitement of the wedding day passes, your day to day relationship becomes very important. Even the most committed couples will experience some bumps in the road that might not fade away over time.
 
Have you dated long enough to know how to manage conflict and communicate successfully? Do you know how to pursue emotional intimacy and speak each other’s love language to ensure you stay closely connected? Have you discussed how you will set boundaries during holidays with your families as a couple? Are there topics that turn into a fight so quickly that you have just decided to avoid them? Is there a dynamic in your relationship that concerns you, but it feels difficult to address with your fiancée?
 
The merging of two individuals and families almost guarantees the need for growth in relationship skills.  Premarital counseling is considered a key ingredient in keeping marriages strong. As a Christian counselor, I help couples understand the biblical roles of husband and wife as well as specific communication, conflict and emotional needs for the couple. An engaged couple that pursues premarital counseling is wise in planning for a happy life after the wedding day.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Whether we are a parent, spouse or friend, most would like to be thought of as someone who builds others up.

If we listened to ourselves, what would we hear? Do we take opportunities to speak appreciation? Do we believe the best about each other? Or in “jest” do we put people down; use condemning words that show exasperation, or communicate we don’t have faith in others? “Could you look up from your phone once in a while?”  “I figured you would be late.” “Nice going genius.” “Did it even occur to you to call?”
 
Colossians 3:12-13 speaks about clothing ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. It calls us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have against one another. To be clothed in something implies you can see it on someone immediately. Do my words speak noticeable compassion and kindness? Do my facial expressions and tone represent visible humility, gentleness and patience? Do I typically convey I’m trying to bear with family members and forgive rather than hanging onto grievances?
 
I have learned in my own relationships and as a Christian counselor the impact of choosing respect and humility over sarcasm. When the effort is made to use kind and patient questions, the other person feels valued and understood rather than belittled.
 
What are you clothed with? Is it time to change your wardrobe of words? The changes in relationships are worth the effort, but will require practice. Try wearing gentleness tomorrow.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

I am a counselor. I help people resolve conflicts daily. But no matter how experienced you are on this topic, it can be very challenging to handle it well at times.
 
I recently had a tough conversation with someone I care about. The flood of emotions I felt during and after our discussion went something like this: I felt wrongly accused and hurt that someone I thought was safe was turning against me; I felt misunderstood and unfairly judged when I tried to explain my perspective.
 
I alternated between wanting to cry and feeling really mad. In hindsight, I recognized that I had violated the “Rules for Fighting Fair” that I have shared with my clients hundreds of times. It all felt very muddy and confusing. Why couldn’t I be understood? Why was it so hard to stay calm when I know that it is much more helpful to do so? I realized that the conversation went on longer than was productive. I struggled to validate the other person’s point of view as I did not feel validated myself. We got stuck.
 
I thought about how a counselor would be helpful in this situation. An emotionally uninvolved and objective counselor is able to reflect more clearly on a situation than someone who is upset and hurting. Do you find yourself feeling “stuck” regularly in a certain relationship? If so, a counselor can help sort it out from an unbiased perspective and bring clarity and relief from the frustration and hurt.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and many are feeling disappointed with their experience. He didn’t sweep her off her feet as she had envisioned, and she wasn’t into being a lingerie runway model as he had fantasized. That is what our culture tells us Valentine’s Day is about… gifts, romance, an expensive dinner and incredible sexual intimacy to top it all off.

Those expectations set most of us up for disappointment since they are based on superficial symbols of love. It’s like we buy into the hype; if we have a good Valentine’s Day, all is well in our relationship. And if it falls short, we must have a problem.

But what about the heart of love? I don’t mean the chocolate kind, I mean the putting each other first, I want to know you deeply kind of love that lasts more than just one day in February. When we define our love as what we receive from the other, we are destined for dissatisfaction because we are using the wrong model. The best model ever given was written two thousand years ago.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Most of us would trade in a lot of chocolate and roses for a relationship that followed this model:

She forgot to pick up the dry cleaning? He patiently and kindly says he can get it on his way home tomorrow. She receives a bonus at work? He celebrates her big news without a hint of envy or thoughts of himself. He lost weight while she is struggling to do so? He will not rub that in her face or make her feel badly about herself. They get in a fight? They are not too proud to say I’m sorry. Other wives at the party are tearing down their husbands? She affirms what she admires about him in front of others. She asks about his day and listens closely before talking about hers. She chooses to hold her tongue from angry words when he is late for dinner. He does not list all the times she has let him down. She does not look for ways to condemn him; she looks for opportunities to build him up. He will stand up for her to his family.  They will not need to check each other’s phones because they trust each other. They don’t threaten divorce; they say we are going to make it. They make mistakes in their relationship and they commit to taking responsibility and growing stronger as a couple.

This is the kind of love that wakes up each day committed to the other in ways large and small. This is the kind of love that recognizes the damage of hurtful words and strives for the self-control not to say them. This love sacrifices her first choice of taking a hot bath to watch a hockey game with her husband when he asks. This love says I find you more attractive than anyone else, and I desire you. This love is strengthened by asking God to guide their relationship and seeks his help in difficult times. This love says if we are struggling, let’s find support through our church, mentor or counselor rather than building a wall between us.

I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. But if you didn’t, there are 364 days left in the year to apply this model that will have a far deeper impact on your relationship.

 Happy Day after Valentine’s Day!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

God has given us a voice to express our thoughts, opinions and feelings. For some of us, people or events in our lives have led us to believe that we must remain silent; that we have no right to our own opinions or feelings; that we are unworthy of being heard and incapable of making our own decisions.

This silencing can cause confusion, self-doubt, depression and an inability to function as a confident, capable adult. Who are these thieves? They may be parents or other family members. Perhaps a classmate from the past, a boss, or an abuser has silenced you. Fear or a desire to please could lead us to give another this power.

How do we regain our voice, even after years of silence and confusion?  By beginning to gain clarity on what has happened, by talking about it, perhaps with a professional counselor. The beginning of healing is understanding that no person or circumstance can have power over us unless we allow it.

The path to freedom begins with understanding the truth about ourselves and the person or circumstance that seemingly stole our voice.  The next steps involve the intentional use of our voice. Perhaps even confronting the thief and explaining that what happened was hurtful and that you are putting an end to this unhealthy dynamic. The more you practice using your voice, by making decisions and expressing your thoughts, the more natural it will become and the freer you will feel.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Have you heard that a frog will sit in a pot of water on a stove unaware that the temperature is rising until it boils and cooks him? He is fully capable of jumping out and saving himself, but he doesn’t because he does not realize he is in danger.

Couples that dabble in social media relationships are a lot like frogs. It might begin innocently enough when someone starts chatting with an old friend from high school or texting with a co-worker. The conversations don’t seem like a threat to anyone’s marriage and they slowly become more frequent. By the time feelings are developing or a spouse stumbles upon the messages exchanged, it’s too late to jump out. You’re already cooked.

Here are two crucial red flags to recognize to protect your marriage. If you find yourself having any kind of exchange with someone that would make you uncomfortable to share with your spouse, it needs to stop immediately. If you look forward to connecting to this online relationship more than talking with your spouse, you are sharing your heart with the wrong person. You need to be taking that relationship building effort to your marriage, not to someone else.

If you realize that it has been a while since you looked forward to spending time with your spouse, it is critical to address that sooner rather than later. Be honest with yourselves about the status of your relationship and seek couples counseling to regain your connection with each other.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

The addition of ADD/ADHD into the already complicated equation of marriage can result in both partners feeling unloved. Some of the negative (and there are many positives) aspects of ADHD such as impulsiveness, distraction, procrastination, disorganization, and lack of follow-through can wreak havoc in a relationship.

Love is kind.   The impulsive ADHD brain sometimes says unkind things without thinking.

Love listens.   The ADHD mind wanders and is distracted.

Love thinks about the other.   The ADHD brain procrastinates and may not do what it should for the other.

Love trusts.   The ADHD spouse may have difficulty being on time or following through with what was promised.

Love respects the other’s wishes.   The ADHD spouse may have a hard time complying with the other’s desire for order in the house.

Often, the ADHD spouse may be very sensitive to criticism due to having been criticized and misunderstood from a young age. Any perceived criticism may put the ADHD spouse on the defensive, complicating communication and increasing frustration for both parties.

What is it like to have ADHD?

What is it like for my spouse to live with my ADHD?

What is the answer to what often feels like a chaotic mess?

Educate yourself about ADHD and sharpen your communication skills. Stop criticizing and seek to understand one another.

As an ADHD counselor who understands this complicated dynamic, I recommend couples counseling. Understanding what behaviors are a result of ADHD is a huge part of navigating this most exciting, yet challenging, journey.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Social media can affect your relationships, your motivation, and your self-image. How so?  How often have you observed two people at a restaurant, both on their phones rather than conversing with each other? It is difficult to compete with the stimulation that the phone offers.

For some, a quick check of their social media expands into minutes and even hours. Soon the motivation for daily responsibilities is lost. Guilt results and momentum is lost.  For others, checking for the number of “likes” on a Facebook post can result in a distorted, negative view of themselves if the numbers are not what was expected. Everyone else seems to be having more fun, going on nicer vacations or experiencing better relationships.

Social media, for some can become an addiction, trumping real relationship and hindering productivity. Is it the first thing that must be checked in the morning or the last thing needed to be reviewed before bed? Is it interrupting your work? If so, perhaps it is time to draw some boundaries around it and even enlist the help of a professional counselor.

Some apps can be deleted so access is not as easy. Devices may have to be placed in another room while you are trying to work or converse with someone important to you. Being intentional about your use of social media can lead to improved relationships and increased productivity, which can only have a positive effect on your self-image!