​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you spent the past year living and working within your home like most of us, you have probably experienced your marriage in a new way.

Maybe you are delighted to eliminate business travel, late meetings and are enjoying lunch with your mate. That’s wonderful. For many couples, it has been a trying time of combining work, parenting, tutoring and marriage dynamics all day, every day. It might be clarifying things you were too busy to notice before about your relationship; or too busy to address.
 
If any of the following descriptions fit, it is time to focus on your marriage so you can have a healthier, happier relationship.

1. There is little connection between the two of you. Your conversations focus on logistics of the day, the week, the kids. You wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings on any subject of substance for fear it would be ignored, rejected or ridiculed. You are lonely and long for the genuine pleasure of the company of your spouse.
2. Conversations quickly escalate to angry words and conflict. You feel misunderstood and unfairly accused. You don’t feel heard by your spouse and each has become defensive. You long for the opportunity to have a calm conversation about issues that concern you without feeling attacked.
3. One or both of you are battling depression or anxiety. It has changed that person and made them harder to reach. How to help them? How do you address their pain and still get your needs met in the relationship?
4. The difference in your parenting styles or issues with your kids have come into sharp focus and you need help. Patience is wearing thin and things are not improving. How do you get on the same page and support your child?
5. You wonder if your spouse is looking outside of your marriage for fulfillment. Or, you are vulnerable to that friendly co-worker for just a warm conversation without any criticism. You struggle to trust each other. One of you is on the brink of an affair or it has already begun.

 
If your relationship resembles any of the above scenarios, you need the help of a counselor. They can help you clarify your problems and begin working towards a closer connection and a much more fulfilling marriage.

Don’t wait.

​Healing your marriage could be the good thing that came from a global pandemic.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Do you ever find yourself comparing your husband, your wife, your child to another? Your friend’s husband loves to cook and you think, “Why doesn’t my husband ever cook?” Your friend’s wife is skilled in decorating, and you wonder how great your house would look if your wife could do that. You attend the school ceremonies and wish your child was going up to receive awards for outstanding grades. This could be especially tempting when a relationship is struggling. Why isn’t my husband more patient like so and so? Why does my wife spend more money than Joe’s wife?
 
The truth is, there are many positives to find in our loved ones, but it takes a willingness to see them. Comparisons often involve what is familiar and expected. If mom was a great cook, then your wife should be. If dad was super handy, then your husband should be. We could spend our days lost in the disappointment of comparisons when in fact there is so much to celebrate. If we open our eyes to all someone brings instead of what is missing, we gain the pleasure of contentment. There is a choice to accept this skill / gift over that one. Your child may not be very organized, but they have a kind heart! Your husband might not be handy, but look how he engages with the kids.
 
The acceptance of personality styles and varied talents leads to affirmation over criticism. Acceptance breeds contentment and a closer connection in the relationship.

by Kathy Cap, LLPC, NCC

Kathy Cap is a Limited Licensed Professional Counselor (LLPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. She is a graduate of Oakland University with a Masters in Counseling and joins Trinity after a number of years in a solo practice. Kathy enjoys working with couples, and adults of all ages, including those older adults facing an array of life transitions related to health changes, loss, and caregiving.

C​ommunication is important in any relationship, and the delivery of the message makes all the difference. Imagine you’ve been feeling frustrated by your spouse, parent, or friend and you have finally decided that you’re going to let them know just how you feel.  You march right into the room, ready to let your grievances be heard but, you’re met with resistance, anger, or worse--complete silence. The outcome isn’t what you expected and now you’re even more frustrated and angry.
 
This scenario is all too common and often leads to a breakdown in communication. What I tell all of my clients, as well as my own kids, is that It’s not only WHAT you say, but HOW you say it.
 
Choosing your words wisely, along with your tone of voice, can make all the difference in how your message will be received.  If a person feels like they are being attacked they will simply stop listening. It’s important to be clear with what you would like to say. So instead of, “I’m sick of you not helping around the house” try, “I feel very overwhelmed with all the household responsibilities. Do you think we could divide some of the chores between us?”
 
It may not always be easy to voice your grievances calmly, especially in the heat of the moment. But if what you are trying to say is truly important to you, it is more constructive to be clear, and calm and to choose your words wisely.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

So much is broken in our world. There is injustice, sickness and job loss. Relationships are broken.  We feel isolated, fearful, angry and even despairing. Listening can be a powerful force for healing these problems.
 
Listening well gives us insight into another’s perspective and can change incorrect assumptions that lead to anger. It can make us more aware of how others are being treated or experiencing life and hopefully bring forth greater empathy and compassion. Having someone listen to our pain somehow makes it feel a little better.

Talking about job loss can stimulate new ideas for work or career change. Listening can help those who are lonely. How life-giving it would be if we asked, “what must life be like for …?”, and then were intentional about asking! Having someone help us name our fears and explore them often makes them seem less powerful and more manageable. When they stay inside, they can become more irrational and terrifying.
 
Perhaps you don’t have someone in your life who listens well. A good professional counselor will listen well with the intention to understand.
 
The most powerful listening occurs when we listen to the One who created us. He can change our hearts, bring healing to our broken relationships, and set us free from anger and fear. He can provide direction and turn our despair into hope. The Creator desires to use us to facilitate healing. He had a reason for giving us two ears and one mouth.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

In this pandemic quarantine we are experiencing loss in multiple ways. The impact this pandemic is having on so many is hard, and for brides and grooms it’s especially difficult. After months of planning, saving and dreaming of their wedding day, they are having to cancel, postpone or scale it back to immediate family. It is a lot of effort to plan a wedding, and the sudden cancellation of it is justifiably painful. However, this situation might also present an opportunity.
 
When a couple moves closer to their wedding day, discussions tend to focus on wedding details. What is often missed is how they are doing in their relationship. How do they communicate and resolve issues? Are they able to discuss hurt and misunderstandings that occur? Do they feel emotionally connected or dismissed and discounted? Are there healthy boundaries for both families equally or is one set of parents running over the couple? Unfortunately, as the wedding approaches, these concerns get pushed to the back burner to be addressed later, if at all.
 
Although the cancellation of the big event brings its own stress, hopefully it allows the focus to return to their relationship. How do they handle disappointment? Are they still excited to get married without the big party? Do they feel supported by the other in their stress? No matter when you are getting married, if you recognize your relationship could use some help, please reach out to a professional for pre-marital counseling.

Healthy and long-lasting relationships are more important than beautiful weddings.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Just saw a funny meme that said, “For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or are they going to relocate us?”

Perhaps some of you have had similar thoughts about your spouse. You wonder how you can make your marriage work so that a second quarantine could be more enjoyable. The quarantine has a way of shining its light on the holes and hurts in your marriage. Problems that have been placed on the back burner when life was busy are now coming to the forefront. The disconnect in your marriage is only adding to your overall anxiety during this pandemic.
 
The quarantine light is revealing lots of new things, many not so good: new views of your spouse at work, maybe working too much or too little. Their messy work space has invaded your peaceful gathering place for dinner. There is an underlying tension and irritability between you and your spouse that goes beyond the current tension of a barking dog or noisy kids during a business call.
 
For those whose work has been deemed “non-essential”, the stress of lost income, fear of not having a job to return to, or the lost hope of reopening a business you have spent years building, all add a new level of stress. You may be fearful, depressed, irritable and anxious; perhaps sleeping too much or too little, eating too much or not enough, wondering if life will ever be the same?
 
But there’s something more going on than the common pandemic stressors.  Just being in your spouse’s presence causes feelings of irritability and sadness. Destructive habits of criticism and withdrawal from each other have become the norm. Apathy has set in. Walls have been erected. What has happened to your early love? Years of neglect, unresolved hurts and unforgiveness cause the heart to grow cold. 
 
What can you do? Is it possible to have this time of quarantine be a life-changer for your marriage? Absolutely!
 
START WITH YOURSELF:
Ask the Lord to show you all the ways you have hurt your spouse. Write them down. Ask Him to help you feel grief for all those hurts. Ask Him to forgive you. Then go to your spouse with your list and ask if there are more ways you have been hurtful. Listen to the hurts. Ask for forgiveness. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Extending grace and forgiveness to each other is key to the healing process.
 
COMMIT TO A NEW START:
Assume the best about each other. Imagine what this time is like for your spouse. Encourage conversation and pour out extra love and patience. It may just return in twofold measure.

Filling up your gas tank lately has been easy on the pocketbook. Filling up your spouse’s love tank will cost you very little and nothing else will yield a higher return of happiness. If you don’t know your spouse’s love language, find out at 5lovelanguages.com. Then, be intentional about expressing love in their love language, even if you don’t feel it at first.
                   
Your marriage may be the one stressor you can control in this crisis, with some humility, forgiveness and effort. A few sessions with a professional counselor may speed the process. Video or phone counseling at this time can be very effective and there is still time before we return to normal. The good news is that your marriage will not just return to the way it was, but can emerge much stronger than ever before.

​by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

One of the greatest gifts to marriage can become its biggest challenge if couples aren’t careful. I am talking about sexual intimacy. Generally speaking, men have a stronger drive for sex than women, and it can get out of balance pretty quickly especially after children are born.
 
Most women are busy with work, children and running a household. By nightfall they are dreaming of rest. Most men are busy with work, kids and household chores and are dreaming of a romantic encounter at day’s end. How to navigate the difference in expectations without it becoming a wedge in the relationship?
 
For men who are frustrated that sex isn’t on their wife’s radar, take an honest look at your relationship. Great sex is not going to happen if two people are emotionally disconnected most of the time. Many women would love more romance in their marriage, but first they would like some help with the kids and someone interested in how their day went.
 
When intimacy sounds like one more demand placed on them, it’s important for women to remember that sexual intimacy is like oxygen for men.  It is a primary way to connect emotionally to their wife, and regular rejection communicates wholesale rejection of them as a man. Women pour out extra effort when hosting friends, are they willing to pour out that extra effort to convey love and acceptance of their guy?
 
When we desire to put each other’s needs first in the relationship, sexual intimacy will thrive.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many couples remain stuck in the same toxic patterns of interaction, never able to make progress.

Why?
​
Often because there are hurts from the past that have never been communicated, heard, understood and then forgiven. The results are ugly: anger, contempt, partners who are emotionally shut down, hardly able to look at each other, maybe sleeping separately. They cannot move forward until they have taken a few steps backward and for some, years  backward.                        
 
We easily can identify how someone has hurt us. It takes humility and much soul-searching to see and acknowledge how we have hurt someone else. A couple must listen to each other’s hurts, empathize with the hurt, ask questions, listen, ask more questions and reflect until they begin to feel something. Perhaps for the first time, to cry over the pain they have caused. A softening begins, listening improves, and eventually both partners are open to forgive. Tears of joy flow with extending and receiving forgiveness.
 
If the couple are Christ followers, they know they must forgive as the Lord has forgiven them. That’s what love does. We love because He first loved us. We can enter into the wonderful cycle of being loved by our Creator, then loving and forgiving our spouse. We will get stuck again. But if we can articulate the hurt, listen to our spouse’s hurt, then we will be able, by God’s grace, to forgive again and again and again. Perhaps up to something like seventy times seven.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

A few years ago, my husband and I bought a home in the country. One of the first things we did was enclose our new yard with a split rail fence along our property line. Although our primary purpose was to keep our two dogs in our yard, our fence represents so much more. It tells the world what we own and what we know is our responsibility.
 
Emotional boundaries function much the same way in our interpersonal relationships. An individual with healthy emotional boundaries understands what they “own” - and do not “own” - in their interactions with others. Conversely, people with unhealthy boundaries find it difficult to say “no” to others. Their behavior is often described as “enabling” because it allows another to continue to behave in ways that are destructive to themselves or to the existing relationship.
 
Healthy boundaries allow us to convey our thoughts and feelings in a conflict, while allowing the other person to do the same. We are able to recognize what part of a conflict we “own”—and what part we do not. It’s all about accountability in our relationships, and understanding that repair work requires effort from both sides of a conflict.
 
If you often find yourself feeling hurt, misunderstood, disrespected, or taken advantage of by others, chances are your emotional property line has been crossed. A professional counselor can help with identifying boundary violations and working toward the development of healthier ways to express yourself and to hold others accountable in your relationships.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Almost everyone has heard of the hit song by Aretha Franklin, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It definitely makes for a catchier title and tune, but in many ways V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E is the unsung hero of great communication.
 
Validate is defined as “supporting the truth or value of”. When we share our feelings with a loved one, we long to know they support the truth of our perspective and value our feelings. The art of skilled listening is to be able to reflect back to someone their thoughts and feelings.
 
When two people argue over differing perspectives, they have a choice in how to proceed. They can dig in and continue to offer every point that supports their position. Or they can choose to truly listen to what the other person is saying and feeling and let them know their position has worth. This doesn’t mean they agree with it; it means they have paused their position long enough to really hear and understand the other person. It means they have not dismissed the other person as unreasonable or invalid.
 
The next step after you validate your partner’s perspective is to offer empathy. When you can put yourself in their position and attempt to experience their feelings on the matter, you are saying your feelings matter to me. “It sounds like you were hurt by my comments, and I can see how you would feel that way.” This involves choosing to listen and working to convey understanding to another. It can lead to beautiful harmony.