by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

A few years ago, my husband and I bought a home in the country. One of the first things we did was enclose our new yard with a split rail fence along our property line. Although our primary purpose was to keep our two dogs in our yard, our fence represents so much more. It tells the world what we own and what we know is our responsibility.
 
Emotional boundaries function much the same way in our interpersonal relationships. An individual with healthy emotional boundaries understands what they “own” - and do not “own” - in their interactions with others. Conversely, people with unhealthy boundaries find it difficult to say “no” to others. Their behavior is often described as “enabling” because it allows another to continue to behave in ways that are destructive to themselves or to the existing relationship.
 
Healthy boundaries allow us to convey our thoughts and feelings in a conflict, while allowing the other person to do the same. We are able to recognize what part of a conflict we “own”—and what part we do not. It’s all about accountability in our relationships, and understanding that repair work requires effort from both sides of a conflict.
 
If you often find yourself feeling hurt, misunderstood, disrespected, or taken advantage of by others, chances are your emotional property line has been crossed. A professional counselor can help with identifying boundary violations and working toward the development of healthier ways to express yourself and to hold others accountable in your relationships.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Almost everyone has heard of the hit song by Aretha Franklin, R-E-S-P-E-C-T. It definitely makes for a catchier title and tune, but in many ways V-A-L-I-D-A-T-E is the unsung hero of great communication.
 
Validate is defined as “supporting the truth or value of”. When we share our feelings with a loved one, we long to know they support the truth of our perspective and value our feelings. The art of skilled listening is to be able to reflect back to someone their thoughts and feelings.
 
When two people argue over differing perspectives, they have a choice in how to proceed. They can dig in and continue to offer every point that supports their position. Or they can choose to truly listen to what the other person is saying and feeling and let them know their position has worth. This doesn’t mean they agree with it; it means they have paused their position long enough to really hear and understand the other person. It means they have not dismissed the other person as unreasonable or invalid.
 
The next step after you validate your partner’s perspective is to offer empathy. When you can put yourself in their position and attempt to experience their feelings on the matter, you are saying your feelings matter to me. “It sounds like you were hurt by my comments, and I can see how you would feel that way.” This involves choosing to listen and working to convey understanding to another. It can lead to beautiful harmony. 

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When two individuals choose to get married, they are entering into an exciting new season of life that they will always remember. They are bringing two unique people together who want to blend their strengths and contrasts, differing family backgrounds and create a new family of their own. God in his wisdom gave us a blueprint for this process of beginning marriage in Genesis 2:24. “Therefore, a man will leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
 
When we follow God’s plan closely, it is a healthy picture of two adult children who shift from a first priority relationship with mom and dad to prioritizing each other. As they are cleaving, they are becoming deeply emotionally attached to one another. They have each other’s back as their first priority over any other family member. They become one flesh physically, but also spiritually and emotionally. They are one unit. They put each other above all others and all commitments. Couples will not do this perfectly. However, when any of these three steps are not implemented, it leads to a lot of confusion and frustration.
 
For a couple to thrive, they MUST leave the nest of parental dependency. Usually this is harder for the parents to adhere to than the adult child. Many parents still see it as their decision how the new couple will spend their holidays, vacations, time with grandchildren, etc. It is born of love and a strong desire to maintain family traditions and maximum contact with their loved ones. However, it is no longer their decision to make! It is the responsibility of the new couple to set boundaries on time with their parents, if their parents are not graciously deferring to their adult children. This is challenging for all, yet it only gets harder if these expectations are not clarified within the first year of marriage and the arrival of grandchildren. When the families are blending, it is imperative that grandparents respect all parties involved and understand they share the grandkids with multiple parties.
 
No matter how long a couple dates before marriage, the first years of marriage are a time of growing emotionally closer to one another. Research has proven that healthy couples achieve closeness, emotional safety and security. God knew that would be the desire of their heart and the best version of marriage. When they are cleaving, they strive to resolve conflict respectfully and honestly. They don’t make decisions like major purchases or job changes or parenting choices without first consulting each other out of respect. They put the needs of their spouse above any other relationship including an ex, a child, or a parent. They share big news with each other first and only disclose what the other is comfortable sharing with others.
 
In Ephesians chapter 5, God shares the roles of husbands and wives. He includes loving each other sacrificially. He instructs both to put the needs of their spouse ahead of their own. In this way they become one as they care more about the other’s needs than their own. This involves physical intimacy needs, parenting, communication… Everything. At this point God intended for the couple to have developed their own identity separate from their parents. They are a new family unit that loves and respects each other as the most important relationship in their lives. They share their hearts and bodies with each other in a way unlike anyone else. They are one.
 
If you are newly married or have been for a long time and are struggling in any of these areas, I hope you will take the time to evaluate which step needs attention. God is the creator of marriage and therefore has a very reliable blueprint to follow for a strong marriage. If you need assistance with any part of these steps, please consider reaching out to a faith-based marriage counselor to help you set boundaries with other family members, grow closer emotionally, and become one with your spouse.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

We are born into a healthy, loving, committed marriage, or a chaotic, unstable, and dysfunctional relationship... or more likely, somewhere in between these extremes. The point is, we don’t get to choose.
 
Our family of origin experiences have an enormous impact on the trajectory of our lives.
 
Fathers teach sons how to love a woman and how to lead a family... or they don’t. Fathers teach daughters what they deserve from a man — love, respect, and partnership… or they don’t.
 
Mothers teach sons to recognize and honor the love of a woman; the importance of her voice of reason and her comfort... or they don’t. Mothers teach daughters how to love, respect and encourage a good and honorable man... or they don’t.
 
We take what we learn from these experiences into our future as we test the waters of our adult relationships. If we are able to recognize and admit that we are falling short, we often struggle to understand the role of those early influences.
 
The challenge is to recognize those early influences and to comprehend the impact they have had on our current choices; to be able to identify and choose a different course of action than might have been modeled by those whose behaviors initially influenced us.
 
The guidance of a caring mental health counselor can provide the safety and opportunity to explore the impact of the family we grew up with on our thoughts, values, and beliefs about ourselves as individuals and as partners.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you are an engaged couple, you have many exciting things to think about. There are wedding rings to buy, dates to book, flowers and a cake to order, not to mention the all-important wedding gown! Something that might not be on your ‘to do’ list is premarital counseling. Consider that long after the excitement of the wedding day passes, your day to day relationship becomes very important. Even the most committed couples will experience some bumps in the road that might not fade away over time.
 
Have you dated long enough to know how to manage conflict and communicate successfully? Do you know how to pursue emotional intimacy and speak each other’s love language to ensure you stay closely connected? Have you discussed how you will set boundaries during holidays with your families as a couple? Are there topics that turn into a fight so quickly that you have just decided to avoid them? Is there a dynamic in your relationship that concerns you, but it feels difficult to address with your fiancée?
 
The merging of two individuals and families almost guarantees the need for growth in relationship skills.  Premarital counseling is considered a key ingredient in keeping marriages strong. As a Christian counselor, I help couples understand the biblical roles of husband and wife as well as specific communication, conflict and emotional needs for the couple. An engaged couple that pursues premarital counseling is wise in planning for a happy life after the wedding day.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Whether we are a parent, spouse or friend, most would like to be thought of as someone who builds others up.

If we listened to ourselves, what would we hear? Do we take opportunities to speak appreciation? Do we believe the best about each other? Or in “jest” do we put people down; use condemning words that show exasperation, or communicate we don’t have faith in others? “Could you look up from your phone once in a while?”  “I figured you would be late.” “Nice going genius.” “Did it even occur to you to call?”
 
Colossians 3:12-13 speaks about clothing ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. It calls us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have against one another. To be clothed in something implies you can see it on someone immediately. Do my words speak noticeable compassion and kindness? Do my facial expressions and tone represent visible humility, gentleness and patience? Do I typically convey I’m trying to bear with family members and forgive rather than hanging onto grievances?
 
I have learned in my own relationships and as a Christian counselor the impact of choosing respect and humility over sarcasm. When the effort is made to use kind and patient questions, the other person feels valued and understood rather than belittled.
 
What are you clothed with? Is it time to change your wardrobe of words? The changes in relationships are worth the effort, but will require practice. Try wearing gentleness tomorrow.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

I am a counselor. I help people resolve conflicts daily. But no matter how experienced you are on this topic, it can be very challenging to handle it well at times.
 
I recently had a tough conversation with someone I care about. The flood of emotions I felt during and after our discussion went something like this: I felt wrongly accused and hurt that someone I thought was safe was turning against me; I felt misunderstood and unfairly judged when I tried to explain my perspective.
 
I alternated between wanting to cry and feeling really mad. In hindsight, I recognized that I had violated the “Rules for Fighting Fair” that I have shared with my clients hundreds of times. It all felt very muddy and confusing. Why couldn’t I be understood? Why was it so hard to stay calm when I know that it is much more helpful to do so? I realized that the conversation went on longer than was productive. I struggled to validate the other person’s point of view as I did not feel validated myself. We got stuck.
 
I thought about how a counselor would be helpful in this situation. An emotionally uninvolved and objective counselor is able to reflect more clearly on a situation than someone who is upset and hurting. Do you find yourself feeling “stuck” regularly in a certain relationship? If so, a counselor can help sort it out from an unbiased perspective and bring clarity and relief from the frustration and hurt.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It’s the day after Valentine’s Day, and many are feeling disappointed with their experience. He didn’t sweep her off her feet as she had envisioned, and she wasn’t into being a lingerie runway model as he had fantasized. That is what our culture tells us Valentine’s Day is about… gifts, romance, an expensive dinner and incredible sexual intimacy to top it all off.

Those expectations set most of us up for disappointment since they are based on superficial symbols of love. It’s like we buy into the hype; if we have a good Valentine’s Day, all is well in our relationship. And if it falls short, we must have a problem.

But what about the heart of love? I don’t mean the chocolate kind, I mean the putting each other first, I want to know you deeply kind of love that lasts more than just one day in February. When we define our love as what we receive from the other, we are destined for dissatisfaction because we are using the wrong model. The best model ever given was written two thousand years ago.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Most of us would trade in a lot of chocolate and roses for a relationship that followed this model:

She forgot to pick up the dry cleaning? He patiently and kindly says he can get it on his way home tomorrow. She receives a bonus at work? He celebrates her big news without a hint of envy or thoughts of himself. He lost weight while she is struggling to do so? He will not rub that in her face or make her feel badly about herself. They get in a fight? They are not too proud to say I’m sorry. Other wives at the party are tearing down their husbands? She affirms what she admires about him in front of others. She asks about his day and listens closely before talking about hers. She chooses to hold her tongue from angry words when he is late for dinner. He does not list all the times she has let him down. She does not look for ways to condemn him; she looks for opportunities to build him up. He will stand up for her to his family.  They will not need to check each other’s phones because they trust each other. They don’t threaten divorce; they say we are going to make it. They make mistakes in their relationship and they commit to taking responsibility and growing stronger as a couple.

This is the kind of love that wakes up each day committed to the other in ways large and small. This is the kind of love that recognizes the damage of hurtful words and strives for the self-control not to say them. This love sacrifices her first choice of taking a hot bath to watch a hockey game with her husband when he asks. This love says I find you more attractive than anyone else, and I desire you. This love is strengthened by asking God to guide their relationship and seeks his help in difficult times. This love says if we are struggling, let’s find support through our church, mentor or counselor rather than building a wall between us.

I hope you had a wonderful Valentine’s Day. But if you didn’t, there are 364 days left in the year to apply this model that will have a far deeper impact on your relationship.

 Happy Day after Valentine’s Day!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

God has given us a voice to express our thoughts, opinions and feelings. For some of us, people or events in our lives have led us to believe that we must remain silent; that we have no right to our own opinions or feelings; that we are unworthy of being heard and incapable of making our own decisions.

This silencing can cause confusion, self-doubt, depression and an inability to function as a confident, capable adult. Who are these thieves? They may be parents or other family members. Perhaps a classmate from the past, a boss, or an abuser has silenced you. Fear or a desire to please could lead us to give another this power.

How do we regain our voice, even after years of silence and confusion?  By beginning to gain clarity on what has happened, by talking about it, perhaps with a professional counselor. The beginning of healing is understanding that no person or circumstance can have power over us unless we allow it.

The path to freedom begins with understanding the truth about ourselves and the person or circumstance that seemingly stole our voice.  The next steps involve the intentional use of our voice. Perhaps even confronting the thief and explaining that what happened was hurtful and that you are putting an end to this unhealthy dynamic. The more you practice using your voice, by making decisions and expressing your thoughts, the more natural it will become and the freer you will feel.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Have you heard that a frog will sit in a pot of water on a stove unaware that the temperature is rising until it boils and cooks him? He is fully capable of jumping out and saving himself, but he doesn’t because he does not realize he is in danger.

Couples that dabble in social media relationships are a lot like frogs. It might begin innocently enough when someone starts chatting with an old friend from high school or texting with a co-worker. The conversations don’t seem like a threat to anyone’s marriage and they slowly become more frequent. By the time feelings are developing or a spouse stumbles upon the messages exchanged, it’s too late to jump out. You’re already cooked.

Here are two crucial red flags to recognize to protect your marriage. If you find yourself having any kind of exchange with someone that would make you uncomfortable to share with your spouse, it needs to stop immediately. If you look forward to connecting to this online relationship more than talking with your spouse, you are sharing your heart with the wrong person. You need to be taking that relationship building effort to your marriage, not to someone else.

If you realize that it has been a while since you looked forward to spending time with your spouse, it is critical to address that sooner rather than later. Be honest with yourselves about the status of your relationship and seek couples counseling to regain your connection with each other.