by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Couples in counseling learn that the four most destructive ways to treat their spouse in conflict are:
 

1. Criticize the other personally
2. Show contempt/disgust for the other
3. React defensively without taking any responsibility
4. Withdraw and shut down communication

 
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist, researcher, and clinician has identified these behaviors as sure predictors of divorce if not addressed and changed. He found that couples who begin conversations with respect and nurture a friendship in the relationship have healthier conflict resolution and happier marriages.
 
Some parents talk to their children with the same four destructive behaviors which is equally devastating for kids. Dr. Gottman says that contempt is the killer of relationships because it conveys, “I am superior and you are an idiot.” Children retreat from or respond in anger to a parent who repeatedly criticizes and condemns.  According to Dr. Gottman, the antidote to contempt is affirmation. If we encourage and affirm our children, they will feel valued by us. The more we look for the positives in our children and nurture mutual respect, the less likely both parents and children will be to attack and demean in conflict.
 
Hopefully parents, you will see this as reaping what you sow. If you tend to find fault daily and are not open to owning your mistakes, you will shut down communication and the relationship. If you speak with kind words and do not overreact with harshness, you will reap a closer, more respectful relationship with your child.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Whether we are a parent, spouse or friend, most would like to be thought of as someone who builds others up.

If we listened to ourselves, what would we hear? Do we take opportunities to speak appreciation? Do we believe the best about each other? Or in “jest” do we put people down; use condemning words that show exasperation, or communicate we don’t have faith in others? “Could you look up from your phone once in a while?”  “I figured you would be late.” “Nice going genius.” “Did it even occur to you to call?”
 
Colossians 3:12-13 speaks about clothing ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. It calls us to bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances we have against one another. To be clothed in something implies you can see it on someone immediately. Do my words speak noticeable compassion and kindness? Do my facial expressions and tone represent visible humility, gentleness and patience? Do I typically convey I’m trying to bear with family members and forgive rather than hanging onto grievances?
 
I have learned in my own relationships and as a Christian counselor the impact of choosing respect and humility over sarcasm. When the effort is made to use kind and patient questions, the other person feels valued and understood rather than belittled.
 
What are you clothed with? Is it time to change your wardrobe of words? The changes in relationships are worth the effort, but will require practice. Try wearing gentleness tomorrow.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

I am a counselor. I help people resolve conflicts daily. But no matter how experienced you are on this topic, it can be very challenging to handle it well at times.
 
I recently had a tough conversation with someone I care about. The flood of emotions I felt during and after our discussion went something like this: I felt wrongly accused and hurt that someone I thought was safe was turning against me; I felt misunderstood and unfairly judged when I tried to explain my perspective.
 
I alternated between wanting to cry and feeling really mad. In hindsight, I recognized that I had violated the “Rules for Fighting Fair” that I have shared with my clients hundreds of times. It all felt very muddy and confusing. Why couldn’t I be understood? Why was it so hard to stay calm when I know that it is much more helpful to do so? I realized that the conversation went on longer than was productive. I struggled to validate the other person’s point of view as I did not feel validated myself. We got stuck.
 
I thought about how a counselor would be helpful in this situation. An emotionally uninvolved and objective counselor is able to reflect more clearly on a situation than someone who is upset and hurting. Do you find yourself feeling “stuck” regularly in a certain relationship? If so, a counselor can help sort it out from an unbiased perspective and bring clarity and relief from the frustration and hurt.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Are you struggling to connect with your teen? That might be like asking, “Is the sky blue?!” Parenting a teen is different than in their younger years. However, they are craving to feel love and acceptance from their parents now more than ever.  As parents, we sometimes focus on their mistakes and think our corrections will help them mature. However, the foundation of our relationship with them still needs to be one of love. Teens will be more responsive to your attempts to connect with them if you are speaking in the love language that means the most to them. Each of us responds more to one than the others. It is important to know how your teen feels most loved by you.
 
Here are the five love languages of teens as identified by Gary Chapman, PhD:
 
Words of Affirmation
Teens are searching for their identity and comparing themselves to their peers every day. As parents, we have the opportunity to pour sincere affirmation into them. It can be about their accomplishments, but also let it be about appreciation for their efforts. Let them know you are proud of them for who they are, not just for what they did. Speak words of affection to them. Regular criticism is devastating for a teen with this love language.
 
Quality Time
Teens actually do desire to spend time with their family. If this is their love language, they want your undistracted attention. A common complaint from teens about their parents is that they are not listened to. Their parents are too busy to spend time with them. Put down the phones, share mealtimes, attend their activities and let them know you value their company. Broken promises on time together signal they are not a priority.
 
Touch
If they were the kid who always wanted a hug or a snuggle, they probably still do—but the rules have changed a bit. Continue to hug or pat on the back but NOT in front of their peers. Dads need to still hug their daughters. If this is their love language and they are not receiving it at home, they will look elsewhere for touch.
 
Acts of Service
Some teens feel loved when their parents are willing to help them out. This could mean teaching them a skill like working on a car, taking them to practice or cheerfully assisting with homework. If a teen is helped out begrudgingly, it will not fill their love tank. Some teens take all the support from their parents for granted. However, if it is their love language, they really see it as an expression of love and feel valued by it.
 
Gifts
The key to loving your teen through gifts is to show that you know them well and you were thinking about them. It is not about giving them expensive items to buy their love. If your teen is a budding artist and you bring home a set of paints and brushes from the garage sale, it says you know her and care about her interests. If your son is trying to learn golf, a new glove and golf balls says you’re tuned into his world. Additionally, forgotten birthdays or celebrations will hurt more deeply for this teen.
 
If we love our teens in their love language during middle school and early high school, they will still be in relationship with us by the time they learn to drive. If they have not felt their parents invested time or positive interactions with them by then, they will choose every opportunity to be with their friends when they do begin driving. All teens want a lot of time with their friends. But we have the opportunity as parents to love them, show them we value them, so they will desire a respectful and positive relationship with us throughout their teen years.
 
For more information on this subject, I recommend Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages of Teenagers.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

It is debatable which is tougher; being a teenager or the parents of a teenager. The halls of most high schools remind me a bit of a jungle.  There are threats lurking everywhere. The mean girls are quick to pounce on girls who don’t fit in. The cool kids get invited to the parties, but often the price of admission is their willingness to drink or smoke pot.

Some kids are in fear of disappointing their parents’ hopes for good grades. For most teens, it is difficult to keep up with the social and academic pressure. To fit in, they are confronted with a wide range of choices.

As parents, it feels like a struggle between keeping teens on track and granting them independence. It is hard to ease up on the reins and allow them to make decisions that could result in a bad grade or illegal drinking. We don’t want them to threaten their future in any way. Yet how can they be ready for good choices in college if they are restricted from making any during high school? Do they have reasonable freedom to learn from mistakes? Most kids live up to the expectations set for them.

If we convey our belief in their healthy choices and outline consequences for poor choices, we give them the opportunity to choose wisely. If we invest in a relationship that seeks to understand their world, we become a valued voice of influence and not a set of rules to rebel against.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Over the course of the past couple of years, my staff and I have noticed an increase in calls from parents reporting stress and anxiety reactions in their children. Everything from academic performance, to social interactions, to family dynamics appears to be creating more and more unhealthy feelings for our youth—at younger ages than ever before. As a result, we are seeing a wide range of various forms of acting out; behaviors that have parents calling our office for help.

Granted, kids today have a lot of moving parts to their little lives, and more is expected of them—behaviorally AND emotionally–than was expected from those of us who grew up… eh hum… in years long gone by…

My professional observation is that not enough time is being taken by many parents today to talk to and assist their children in identifying what they are feeling before it bubbles up and overwhelms them. Parents need to explore with their children the emotions behind their anger; behind their poor behavior. Awareness of our feelings of fear, embarrassment, sadness, disappointment, shame, or frustration is the first step toward managing them.

Children are not born with an understanding of their emotional world. They need to be taught about their emotions and guided in correctly identifying them. Only with awareness of what they are truly feeling--the harder stuff to talk about—can they begin to acquire mastery over their behavior and resulting reactions to the world around them.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When I’m talking to someone about something important to me, I love the feeling of connection when they truly listen.  If they reflect back how I am feeling about the matter, I know they understand and they care.  However, this does not happen frequently in relationships.

How often do we hear our children exclaim a negative thought, and we try to shut it down?  “Honey, you don’t hate Tommy, you love your little brother!”  “Your teacher is not the meanest teacher ever!” We are in essence dismissing what they are trying to tell us.  We are saying, “Don’t feel that way!” “Don’t come to me with your honest thoughts and feelings.”  Is that the message we want to send? What if we responded with, “Tell me about your teacher.  It sounds like you had a tough day.”

How about when we are talking to other adults? “I’m sure your mammogram will be normal, you have nothing to worry about.”  What if instead we heard, “It sounds like this test is stressful for you.  How can I help?”  In that short sentence our feelings are validated, and it leaves the door open to continue sharing honestly.

When I finish sharing a thought, and my husband nods and comments on my feelings, I know he “gets me”.  He isn’t dismissing my view of the situation, trying to solve it for me or inserting his opinion. I feel respected and cared for. When we listen, we give value to those we love.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

So often, parents arrive in my office complaining of a lack of direction, and of feeling disrespected by their children. Overwhelmed with schedules and logistics, many of these parents are experiencing a far deeper loss. A loss born of not really knowing their kids… Not knowing what they love? What they dream? What makes them tick?  They’ve lost the connection that can only exist from spending time with and engaging in their children’s lives. They’re missing the experience of each of their children as unique and dynamic individuals.

With time, these parents often admit to being too busy, too distracted, or too overworked. To ease their own guilt, they have convinced themselves that dropping their kids off at their practice, game, or lesson is encouraging their independence. I would argue that the real message these kids receive is that mom or dad simply aren’t interested--or don’t care—about what they are doing or involved in.

Kids will protest your presence (because it’s definitely NOT COOL to be excited that mom is sitting in the bleachers!), but don’t for a minute convince yourself that they don’t need or want you there! Far from being “on the sidelines,” you will actually have a “front row seat” to your child’s engagement with their world. There is rich and powerful information to glean from witnessing your child’s beaming pride of accomplishment—or their agony in defeat.

But - only if you’re there.

So, slow down, re-prioritize, and choose to just be there.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When was the last time you threw back your head and let out a belly laugh from having so much fun?  Has it been a while?  Unfortunately, with everyone’s busy schedules, it seems hard to find time to just play together as a family.  But on our most recent family vacation, my favorite memory is the game of Pictionary that left us laughing so hard we were crying.

Play allows us to become childlike again, and it usually draws out even the quietest person in the room.  Whether it is a silly game, jumping in a lake or riding bikes together, it changes the dynamic in the family.  Instead of hurried mornings getting ready for school or parents nagging over chores, it allows parents and kids to be teammates, playmates.

Do your children ask you to play with them, and you just don’t have the time?  Please believe me that the window of being asked to play soon closes.  If parents have engaged in play with their kids while they grow up, the kids will want to stay connected to their parents even when they are able to leave the house. However, if the parent was not available, it should not be surprising that the teen has little interest to now hang out with mom and dad.

So get out your board games, break out the badminton, and spend time laughing with your kids on a regular basis.  Connecting with your family through play brings out the best in everyone.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

If you are struggling with a child or teen that speaks to you disrespectfully, you know how quickly it escalates a conversation to an angry conflict. When a child speaks to any person in authority over them in a manner that says “you’re an idiot” or “go pound sand”, communication breaks down and relationships are hurt.

 But let me ask you as a parent, how do you speak to your child or teen? Do you model restraint and self-control in the midst of frustration? Do you speak to them as someone worthy of respectful treatment as you would a co-worker that you disagree with? Or do you address them with sarcasm and ridicule as you point out their mistakes? Are we upset over the use of profanity by our kids, but it streams freely out of our mouths? Do you “tease” them in front of other family members in a way that might embarrass them?

 A more subtle form of disrespect is when parents discount or invalidate the perspective of their child. “Oh please, this homework isn’t hard, you just haven’t tried.” “You are overreacting, those hand-me-downs look fine.” The message the child receives is: You don’t care or take my concerns seriously.

 If we want our kids to manage their frustration and speak with respect even when they disagree with us, can we ask for behavior we haven’t been willing to give? Until we are willing to model respect, we shouldn’t be surprised by its absence in our homes.