by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

Couples in counseling learn that the four most destructive ways to treat their spouse in conflict are:
 

1. Criticize the other personally
2. Show contempt/disgust for the other
3. React defensively without taking any responsibility
4. Withdraw and shut down communication

 
Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned psychologist, researcher, and clinician has identified these behaviors as sure predictors of divorce if not addressed and changed. He found that couples who begin conversations with respect and nurture a friendship in the relationship have healthier conflict resolution and happier marriages.
 
Some parents talk to their children with the same four destructive behaviors which is equally devastating for kids. Dr. Gottman says that contempt is the killer of relationships because it conveys, “I am superior and you are an idiot.” Children retreat from or respond in anger to a parent who repeatedly criticizes and condemns.  According to Dr. Gottman, the antidote to contempt is affirmation. If we encourage and affirm our children, they will feel valued by us. The more we look for the positives in our children and nurture mutual respect, the less likely both parents and children will be to attack and demean in conflict.
 
Hopefully parents, you will see this as reaping what you sow. If you tend to find fault daily and are not open to owning your mistakes, you will shut down communication and the relationship. If you speak with kind words and do not overreact with harshness, you will reap a closer, more respectful relationship with your child.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

A few years ago, my husband and I bought a home in the country. One of the first things we did was enclose our new yard with a split rail fence along our property line. Although our primary purpose was to keep our two dogs in our yard, our fence represents so much more. It tells the world what we own and what we know is our responsibility.
 
Emotional boundaries function much the same way in our interpersonal relationships. An individual with healthy emotional boundaries understands what they “own” - and do not “own” - in their interactions with others. Conversely, people with unhealthy boundaries find it difficult to say “no” to others. Their behavior is often described as “enabling” because it allows another to continue to behave in ways that are destructive to themselves or to the existing relationship.
 
Healthy boundaries allow us to convey our thoughts and feelings in a conflict, while allowing the other person to do the same. We are able to recognize what part of a conflict we “own”—and what part we do not. It’s all about accountability in our relationships, and understanding that repair work requires effort from both sides of a conflict.
 
If you often find yourself feeling hurt, misunderstood, disrespected, or taken advantage of by others, chances are your emotional property line has been crossed. A professional counselor can help with identifying boundary violations and working toward the development of healthier ways to express yourself and to hold others accountable in your relationships.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

All families struggle.

A child struggles with school and socializing with friends…
 
A parent struggles with keeping pressures at work from affecting their mood at home…
 
A teen struggles with social issues and may be experiencing anxiety or depression…
 
A family member struggles with substance abuse…
 
A family suffers the death of a loved one…
 
A family member suffers from a mental health diagnosis…
 
The ‘busy-ness’ of everyone’s schedules leaves family members feeling isolated and disconnected. And, the constant preoccupation with technology and social media has further eroded what was once time spent together and engaged in each other’s lives…
 
The list of challenges that today’s families face is endless, and the dysfunction and upset that they suffer as a result are real and often lasting.
 
You may wonder at some time in the history of your family—either the one you are raising, or the one you grew up in—if the challenges that you all struggle with could be helped with family counseling? But you also may not have any idea what that would look like, or if it would work?
 
For those of us in the counseling profession, family counseling is often the preferred approach to a multitude of presenting issues. Yet, the more typical circumstance is that the family will identify the ‘problem person,’ and then give everyone else in the family a ‘pass.’ The problem person is then brought into our office with a request for help. 
 
However, the truth of the matter is that no challenge affecting an entire family is one person’s fault. Far from it, every member of the family system plays some role in the dynamic that perpetuates the problem(s).
 
The role of the family counselor can offer the family a remarkable opportunity to navigate their differences in an entirely new manner than they likely have experienced before. Some important features of the family counseling setting include:

• A safe atmosphere for discussion

• The opportunity for EVERY family member to express their feelings and opinions about the issue
• Immediate feedback from an objective third party to mediate escalating tensions and emotions                         
• Dedicated time for the entire family to truly ‘hear’ and engage with each other
• Education about how the family system works… or is not working                                                                    
• Opportunity to recognize alliances within the family that may be perpetuating the problem
• Encouragement for each family member to take responsibility for their role in the problem
• Guidance for collective problem-solving
• Ongoing accountability to ensure lasting change within the family

There is no doubt, it IS a tall order to bring an entire family into counseling! The sheer logistics of finding a day and a time when everyone is available can be the biggest challenge. However, a collective belief that the family is worth the investment to improve relationships and enhance daily interactions can be the first step to healing long-standing wounds and misunderstandings with the people you love the very most in the world. You might even discover that you can actually enjoy each other in ways you never imagined before! 
 
 Is your family worth it?

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

We are born into a healthy, loving, committed marriage, or a chaotic, unstable, and dysfunctional relationship... or more likely, somewhere in between these extremes. The point is, we don’t get to choose.
 
Our family of origin experiences have an enormous impact on the trajectory of our lives.
 
Fathers teach sons how to love a woman and how to lead a family... or they don’t. Fathers teach daughters what they deserve from a man — love, respect, and partnership… or they don’t.
 
Mothers teach sons to recognize and honor the love of a woman; the importance of her voice of reason and her comfort... or they don’t. Mothers teach daughters how to love, respect and encourage a good and honorable man... or they don’t.
 
We take what we learn from these experiences into our future as we test the waters of our adult relationships. If we are able to recognize and admit that we are falling short, we often struggle to understand the role of those early influences.
 
The challenge is to recognize those early influences and to comprehend the impact they have had on our current choices; to be able to identify and choose a different course of action than might have been modeled by those whose behaviors initially influenced us.
 
The guidance of a caring mental health counselor can provide the safety and opportunity to explore the impact of the family we grew up with on our thoughts, values, and beliefs about ourselves as individuals and as partners.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

We come to the table with mixed emotions and challenging circumstances. Family conflict is seated and the turkey dinner somehow doesn’t taste as good as last year.  Grief is present and tears saturate the beautiful tablecloth. The chair where an adult child usually sits is empty because family is no longer a priority. Physical pain makes another chair almost impossible to sit on. Another chair is full of worry because its occupant has suddenly lost his job.
 
This is life in a broken world. Conflict, grief, physical pain and financial loss are not strangers to any of us. We fear that our pain will reveal itself in those family photos.
 
We may need to seek professional help to learn new coping skills, gain insight into how to navigate conflict, or have someone just listen to our grief and help us find some light.
 
We might not be able to change our circumstances but we can definitely change the way we think about them. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” If we know that God is good, that He is sovereign in our lives, and that He loves us, we can trust that whatever is happening He is with us, and is working for our good and His glory.

That truth can put a smile on your face. At least long enough for that picture!

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

I am a counselor. I help people resolve conflicts daily. But no matter how experienced you are on this topic, it can be very challenging to handle it well at times.
 
I recently had a tough conversation with someone I care about. The flood of emotions I felt during and after our discussion went something like this: I felt wrongly accused and hurt that someone I thought was safe was turning against me; I felt misunderstood and unfairly judged when I tried to explain my perspective.
 
I alternated between wanting to cry and feeling really mad. In hindsight, I recognized that I had violated the “Rules for Fighting Fair” that I have shared with my clients hundreds of times. It all felt very muddy and confusing. Why couldn’t I be understood? Why was it so hard to stay calm when I know that it is much more helpful to do so? I realized that the conversation went on longer than was productive. I struggled to validate the other person’s point of view as I did not feel validated myself. We got stuck.
 
I thought about how a counselor would be helpful in this situation. An emotionally uninvolved and objective counselor is able to reflect more clearly on a situation than someone who is upset and hurting. Do you find yourself feeling “stuck” regularly in a certain relationship? If so, a counselor can help sort it out from an unbiased perspective and bring clarity and relief from the frustration and hurt.

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

When I’m talking to someone about something important to me, I love the feeling of connection when they truly listen.  If they reflect back how I am feeling about the matter, I know they understand and they care.  However, this does not happen frequently in relationships.

How often do we hear our children exclaim a negative thought, and we try to shut it down?  “Honey, you don’t hate Tommy, you love your little brother!”  “Your teacher is not the meanest teacher ever!” We are in essence dismissing what they are trying to tell us.  We are saying, “Don’t feel that way!” “Don’t come to me with your honest thoughts and feelings.”  Is that the message we want to send? What if we responded with, “Tell me about your teacher.  It sounds like you had a tough day.”

How about when we are talking to other adults? “I’m sure your mammogram will be normal, you have nothing to worry about.”  What if instead we heard, “It sounds like this test is stressful for you.  How can I help?”  In that short sentence our feelings are validated, and it leaves the door open to continue sharing honestly.

When I finish sharing a thought, and my husband nods and comments on my feelings, I know he “gets me”.  He isn’t dismissing my view of the situation, trying to solve it for me or inserting his opinion. I feel respected and cared for. When we listen, we give value to those we love.

by Tonya Ratliff, LPC, NCC, ACS

Tonya Ratliff is the Owner and Director of Counseling Services for Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to her individual, couple, and family clients, Tonya is also the lead facilitator of the Walk With Me® Grief Support Group, an aftercare program sponsored by Wm. Sullivan and Son Funeral Home in Utica, MI.

Folks have different types of reactions to the arrival of spring. For some, it is entirely about the weather; warmer temperatures invite the first short sleeves and sandals. For others, it is simply about more daylight; more time for activities outdoors, a sense that the days actually are longer. For many, there is a burst of renewed energy for purging and cleaning; whether it is a thorough cleaning of the house, the yard, the garage, or the car. For almost everyone though, spring represents a time of renewal, a time for taking stock, a time to reassess priorities, goals, and plans.

Why not add taking a fresh look at your relationships too? With whom are you spending your time? A friend once said to me, “Life is too short to spend time with people you don’t enjoy.” So true. Think about those relationships that mean the most to you, and then consider whether you are really attending to, and engaging with, those you care most about it a manner that conveys that care? Or, could you be doing better? Are there other relationships that sap your energy? How might you best manage the changes needed in those interactions as well?

Spring time is the perfect time to commit yourself anew to the people that mean the most to you. You could begin today. Tell someone that you care about… that you do. And then, be sure and pay attention to what happens next!

by Wendy Warner, LPC, NCC

Wendy Warner is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with couples, children, and individuals, Wendy also enjoys teaching the premarital classes for all couples planning to marry at Immanuel Lutheran Church, Macomb.

The holidays can be a welcome break creating memories with family and friends. They can also be stressful as we anticipate friction between family members. What is at the heart of this friction? Many of us try to meet everyone else’s holiday expectations, and we get frustrated when our own needs are not being met. Sometimes conflicts arise when a couple is pulled in different directions by their own family’s traditions. It could be the anticipation of rude behavior from a family member without a comfortable way to respond.

Each of these scenarios can lead to holiday aggravation for an individual or between spouses. Let me ask you a question… How often do we get upset because someone does not have the ability to read our mind? Is it surprising someone would ignore our wishes for their wishes, if we do not express our wishes out loud? When we do not express our needs, it is difficult for others to honor them.

Assertive communication is the style of communication that expresses what you think, want and feel in an honest and respectful way. When we state our needs in an assertive way, we can reduce our resentment of others who are not meeting our needs. If you want to communicate assertively, you will need to learn the skill of speaking with ‘I’ statements. ‘I’ statements give us a way to share what we are feeling in a non-attacking, non-blaming way. When we begin a conversation with “I feel”, there is a lower possibility of the other person becoming defensive as compared to beginning with, ”You never…..” or “You always….” People on the defense are less interested in hearing what we are trying to say, and communication breaks down. ‘I’ statements help us own our feelings which makes it more likely the other person will respond with care and empathy.

How to make an ‘I’ statement:

1. Say ‘l’ (instead of ‘you’)
2. Say what you feel (frustrated, hurt, ignored, stressed out, etc.)
3. State the event / situation that provoked your feelings
4. Say what you would have preferred to happen – what you would like to happen as an alternative to what did happen

Now, you have two sentences:
“I feel ___________ because ___________.   I would like ___________.”

Instead of: “That’s ok, you don’t need to bring anything for Thanksgiving. I’ve got it all under control.”
Try: “I am feeling a little overloaded with all the preparations. Could you bring a side dish or a dessert?”

Instead of: “You always go to the Lions game on Thanksgiving Day and leave me to do all the work.”
Try: “I feel abandoned when you leave for the game all day. I would like some help on Wednesday night, so I can enjoy Thanksgiving Day too.”

Part of assertive communication is setting appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are the limits we put in place to increase the likelihood of healthy relationships. They are in essence the line we establish in our relationships that says, “This is how much time I have to give.” Or “This is how much of your rudeness I will endure.” When someone crosses our boundary line in the relationship, we can use assertive communication and ‘I’ statements to let them know how we are feeling; empowering ourselves to get our needs met. We are setting a boundary line when we say, “I feel stressed thinking about your dogs coming to my house for the holiday. I would like there to be another solution than bringing them to our house for Thanksgiving.” Instead of stewing all week about the rudeness of your niece for bringing her dogs, you set a boundary on what you can comfortably manage when you host Thanksgiving.

Give it a try this holiday. When you feel your temperature rising, step back and ask yourself, “What is going on to make my blood boil?” What needs of yours are not being met? What boundary line is being trespassed? Have you let the other person know how you feel; what your needs are in the situation? If not, then write down an ‘I’ statement, practice it on the dog, and give it a try. Be sure to listen closely to their response, because listening is an important part of assertive, respectful and successful communication.

Harmonious Holidays to you and yours!