by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many couples remain stuck in the same toxic patterns of interaction, never able to make progress.

Why?
​
Often because there are hurts from the past that have never been communicated, heard, understood and then forgiven. The results are ugly: anger, contempt, partners who are emotionally shut down, hardly able to look at each other, maybe sleeping separately. They cannot move forward until they have taken a few steps backward and for some, years  backward.                        
 
We easily can identify how someone has hurt us. It takes humility and much soul-searching to see and acknowledge how we have hurt someone else. A couple must listen to each other’s hurts, empathize with the hurt, ask questions, listen, ask more questions and reflect until they begin to feel something. Perhaps for the first time, to cry over the pain they have caused. A softening begins, listening improves, and eventually both partners are open to forgive. Tears of joy flow with extending and receiving forgiveness.
 
If the couple are Christ followers, they know they must forgive as the Lord has forgiven them. That’s what love does. We love because He first loved us. We can enter into the wonderful cycle of being loved by our Creator, then loving and forgiving our spouse. We will get stuck again. But if we can articulate the hurt, listen to our spouse’s hurt, then we will be able, by God’s grace, to forgive again and again and again. Perhaps up to something like seventy times seven.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Forgetting to pick up milk on the way home results in your wife spewing all kinds of nasty words at you when you walk in the door. You wonder what is behind all that anger?
 
Anger is often the easiest emotion to express and can make us feel better for the moment.
 
So, what could be underneath this mask of anger? Fear. Shame. Guilt. Unmet needs. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. Worry. Jealousy. Hurt.  Some of those emotions are more difficult to express or even identify. The anger seems to flow so effortlessly.
 
Your wife was really hurting because you had been working so much overtime that you hardly had a minute to talk to her during the week. She was not feeling connected or loved. She feared that the disconnection would only go deeper with your demanding work schedule.
 
So how do you help her understand the angry outburst when she is so flooded with emotion? Realize it wasn’t about the forgotten milk, ask what else might be going on and then take the time to listen.
 
Sometimes anger is more chronic and deeply rooted from past hurts. The anger could be from being bullied or abused as a child or the death of someone close.

You may benefit from the help of a professional counselor who could help you identify the root. Perhaps grieving a loss or forgiving someone who hurt you deeply could bring the freedom you desire from this tyrant called anger.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You still have nightmares about that bully who made you feel small.

Maybe you have stuffed the horrible memories down so far that the only thing remaining is an anger that rises to the surface when someone pushes the “you are stupid” or “you are a loser” or any other “you are inferior” button. Anything that someone says or does may trigger those same feelings you had from your interaction with the bully, resulting in an angry outburst.
 
How can you find relief?
 
Talking about it helps you see the truth instead of the lies you may have believed for so many years about yourself. What power did that bully have to define who you are? You did nothing to deserve the treatment you endured. How has believing the lies affected your work, your relationships and your happiness?
 
There is grief work to be done, and professional counseling can help.

​There were losses. If the bullying was prolonged, it stole so much: your sense of safety, your confidence, friendships, the enjoyment of being whatever age you were when it occurred. Once you have seen the truth of what happened, grieved the losses and have seen the effects it has had, there can be freedom in knowing the bully need no longer have any control over your life. He no longer needs to define who you are. You no longer need to explode at the slightest trigger.

​Finally, you can beat the bully!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

It may be puzzling that your teen who has ADD can play video games for hours but has difficulty cleaning his room or getting his homework done. And why is it that his grades are so inconsistent?

It’s not that those with ADD cannot pay attention but rather they attend to those things their brain finds most stimulating. This brain can hyper focus for long periods of time when interested.  A person with ADD can spend hours on creative endeavors, but when it comes to the mundane things of life they struggle and must have something to motivate them, often a deadline or a way to think about the task more creatively.
 
A perfect example of this is a young boy who is asked to go out and wash the family car; not a chore he would normally find interesting. So how does he get the task accomplished? He pulls on his rubber boots, fireman jacket and hat and pretends to put out a fire as he washes the car. He has learned, at a young age, how to make a mundane task interesting and fun enough to get it done!
 
This is one trick, among many that the ADD brain can use to accomplish many of the mundane tasks of life. Playing “beat the clock” with a timer, or setting up a reward system after working at the task for a specified time can help. Finding an ADD counselor/coach who understands your ADD brain is even better!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

People often come to counseling because events from their past have damaged how they see themselves.

Past abuse, abandonment, or bullying can result in feelings of worthlessness and unnecessary shame. A Christian counselor can help the client talk through the past events, grieve all that was lost and then examine their thoughts about themselves in light of the Scriptures. Psalm 139: 13 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Truly understanding how we have been created, in the image and likeness of God, dispels the false belief that we are worthless. Does this happen overnight? Not usually. It is a process.
 
Psalm 1 says that if we delight in the law of the Lord, and meditate on it day and night, we are blessed. Why blessed? Because when the truth soaks into our minds, and penetrates our hearts, we are changed by the power of God’s Spirit. The truth sets us free from false beliefs and changes the way we feel and behave. Our countenance begins to change as the truth takes hold in our hearts.
 
Romans 12:2 tells us that we are to be transformed by the renewal of our minds. In the Greek, transformation means a metamorphosis or the complete change from the inside out.
 
A Christian counselor would delight in helping you enter this process of transformation, from one degree of glory to another. (2 Corinthians 3:18)

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Thanksgiving is almost upon us.

We come to the table with mixed emotions and challenging circumstances. Family conflict is seated and the turkey dinner somehow doesn’t taste as good as last year.  Grief is present and tears saturate the beautiful tablecloth. The chair where an adult child usually sits is empty because family is no longer a priority. Physical pain makes another chair almost impossible to sit on. Another chair is full of worry because its occupant has suddenly lost his job.
 
This is life in a broken world. Conflict, grief, physical pain and financial loss are not strangers to any of us. We fear that our pain will reveal itself in those family photos.
 
We may need to seek professional help to learn new coping skills, gain insight into how to navigate conflict, or have someone just listen to our grief and help us find some light.
 
We might not be able to change our circumstances but we can definitely change the way we think about them. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, “Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” If we know that God is good, that He is sovereign in our lives, and that He loves us, we can trust that whatever is happening He is with us, and is working for our good and His glory.

That truth can put a smile on your face. At least long enough for that picture!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Navigating the world of friendship begins to feel more overwhelming as our children reach middle school. If your child has ADHD, the journey is even more complicated. Symptoms of ADHD like fidgeting, impulsivity, and distractibility, are not friendly companions to a middle school conversation.

These are symptoms that are not easily controlled. The ability to listen without interrupting may be hindered by the distracted ADHD mind that is going in many different directions. Good conversational skills include a give and take rhythm and the ability to stay on topic.  If a child talks too much without listening, interrupts others, or is not paying attention, they can be viewed as not caring, selfish or rude.
 
What’s a parent to do? It is heartbreaking to have your child report that he is feeling left out of former circles of friends. Invite another child over for an activity; perhaps one who is a bit younger so that they are social equals. Observe from afar the interactions so that you can see what might be going wrong. Role play other ways the interactions could have gone.
 
Children need to know that social skills take time to learn and must be practiced. We are all growing in our ability to communicate, resolve differences and initiate with new people. Your job as a parent is to model healthy friendships, observe your child’s interactions with others, coach, reward progress made, and if necessary, consult with a professional counselor who understands ADHD.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Sin. Not a popular topic to discuss at a dinner party or really anywhere else. Not so for the followers of Christ; it is something we should be considering on a daily basis.

Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

How is the discussion of sin relevant in Christian counseling? Our sin affects our mental and spiritual health. Unless it is confessed, our guilt and shame can cause a distance between us and God and others. Harsh words, self-centeredness and anger all take their toll on our relationships. Unconfessed sin causes us to lose our joy and peace. Guilt and shame can cause us to be anxious, angry or depressed. Considering our own sin is essential to our relationship with God and to each other. When we do not turn from it, it can destroy us and those around us. Many have suffered because of the sins of others.

We were designed to be in a right relationship with our Creator, and when we are, other relationships tend to go better; broken relationships can be healed.

The good news about this sin stuff is that when we admit it, He forgives it. Yes, this is certainly a topic that can come up in a Christian counseling session. Oh what joy when it is discovered, confessed and forgiven!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

How can a child who is so full of life, energy, fun and creativity cause you, as his parent, to feel so exhausted, frustrated and angry? A child with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) can bring both delight and despair.

The incessant talking, constant movement and inability to settle down at night to sleep can be exhausting. He may have a laser focus on what he loves to do, but the struggle to complete homework may be a battle you are tired of fighting. Even when the homework gets done, it is often forgotten under his bed or left in his backpack. You know his grades do not reflect his ability. You are weary of hearing things like, “Johnny is underachieving. If only he tried harder,” from his teachers.

You probably have felt criticized by other parents who hint at things like, “if he only had more discipline.” Your frustration goes beyond words.  His room is a disaster. You are angry when after you tell him to clean it, he surfaces hours later all excited about the new Lego robot he just created (which really is AMAZING). Nagging isn’t working. Your child is not disobedient. He really doesn’t hear you at times and is easily distracted.

Parenting a child with ADHD does not have to be an exhausting, frustrating, and lonely journey. There is help. You may want to start with an ADHD counselor who understands your child’s unique wiring and can help him—and you—achieve success.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

God has given us a voice to express our thoughts, opinions and feelings. For some of us, people or events in our lives have led us to believe that we must remain silent; that we have no right to our own opinions or feelings; that we are unworthy of being heard and incapable of making our own decisions.

This silencing can cause confusion, self-doubt, depression and an inability to function as a confident, capable adult. Who are these thieves? They may be parents or other family members. Perhaps a classmate from the past, a boss, or an abuser has silenced you. Fear or a desire to please could lead us to give another this power.

How do we regain our voice, even after years of silence and confusion?  By beginning to gain clarity on what has happened, by talking about it, perhaps with a professional counselor. The beginning of healing is understanding that no person or circumstance can have power over us unless we allow it.

The path to freedom begins with understanding the truth about ourselves and the person or circumstance that seemingly stole our voice.  The next steps involve the intentional use of our voice. Perhaps even confronting the thief and explaining that what happened was hurtful and that you are putting an end to this unhealthy dynamic. The more you practice using your voice, by making decisions and expressing your thoughts, the more natural it will become and the freer you will feel.