​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

A desperate parent, baffled by the discovery that their teen has 25 missing school assignments, will call me, pleading for help. The parent is devastated to discover their teen has been lying about the schoolwork, always reporting that it’s caught up.  By this time the teen may be exhibiting signs of depression and anxiety.
 
This is such a common scenario with teens who have undiagnosed ADHD. Why?
 
Students may do well in elementary school, but middle school and high school bring new challenges; changing classes in middle school and the increased difficulty of high school assignments, may cause them to begin to fall apart and fall behind.  Once they get behind, things begin to snowball. Some students may give up entirely and just stop making any effort at all. There is guilt then shame from the lying. They feel like a failure. Depression sets in.
 
ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) is a neurological condition that can present as hyperactivity, inattention or both. It affects the executive function aspect of the brain which includes attention, memory, self-control, following directions, organization, planning, follow-through; many of the things necessary for academic success. In addition, these students have an interest-based ability to focus. In other words, it is extremely difficult to focus on the things they do not find interesting or that are difficult. Those 25 missing assignments could be in math, if the student finds math difficult and uninteresting. Add to this mix an impulsive nature and need for excitement, they may already be seeking more stimulating experiences such as drugs, alcohol or sex.  These things also offer some temporary relief from the pain of failure and shame.
 
The worst thing a parent can do at this point is to punish or demean or to say that if only they would try harder, have more discipline, etc. Parents, why would your teen want to fail? There is a reason if ADHD is in operation.
 
There may be other things that you as a parent have been battling at home in addition to the schoolwork. A messy room, constant video games, frustration that there is little follow-through in what you have asked them to do. The relationship is probably strained from all the nagging about homework and other problems at home. Your teen has already got the message that he is a disappointment, that he is lazy and that there is something wrong with him. He may be isolating in his room, fearful that whenever he emerges there will be more nagging, yelling and questions about why things aren’t getting done. It is a vicious cycle. As a parent, you are exhausted and desperate for some solutions. ADHD is an invisible disability. Your teen looks “normal,” but so few will understand the struggles. This is what makes the journey even more difficult and frustrating.
 
The first step is an evaluation by a mental health professional. Medication can be extremely helpful. A combination of the right medication, education about how the ADHD brain is wired, and coaching to help develop healthy habits of sleep, exercise, organizational skills and study habits can help your teen move into a more successful school experience, better image of himself and a better relationship with you.
 
A final note to you as a parent: the relationship with your teen is what is most important. If you have no relationship, the bond that you both desire is missing. If you have yelled and said things like, “you are so lazy” or, “if you would just try harder or have more discipline,” please apologize and ask how your words have affected your teen. Humbly admit that you do not understand the source of his struggle but you are willing to learn more about ADHD. That will be the start of healing in your relationship and will help your teen do the necessary work of understanding himself and learning to develop the necessary skills for success.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

​Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

We all have hopes that Christmas 2021 will look much different than 2020.
 
What are your hopes for the new year?
 
No longer needing to wear a mask?  More Hugs? Dating? Dining out? Going to the theater and concerts? Travel? Seeing your loved ones without worry?
 
So much is uncertain. Although the vaccine has arrived, so has a new strain of the virus. Our nation is raging. Will life ever get back to normal? And if not, what will the “new normal” look like?
 
As 2020 taught us, there are many things outside our control. Focusing on what we can control can bring just as much satisfaction, if not more than a nice dinner out with a concert to follow.
 
Being intentional about connecting with family and friends can deepen those relationships. Reading brings new ideas and can transport us to new places. A new hobby could reveal a hidden passion. Are there skills that could be honed?   Strengthening our bodies has a powerful effect on our minds and spirits. Thinking about purpose and growing spiritually is what makes life rich and meaningful. 
 
One thing that all of us have control over is our thoughts. We can choose to be thankful. Choose to see the good. Choose to think about the truth.
 
No matter what 2021 brings, we can end the year with deeper relationships, stronger minds and bodies and a greater faith in the One who holds the whole world in His hands. Yes, even when it is shaking.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

We all know someone in our lives who is always late and often still either dressing or finishing breakfast when they arrive. Just being with these people makes us feel anxious because we can only imagine what life must be like for them; running from one thing to the next, never feeling put together because of their seeming inability to gauge time.
 
When that person is your spouse it is extremely hurtful. You have to remind them over and over about what time they must arrive at a particular place. And when they come rushing in late again, you wonder what is wrong. If they loved you, they would make sure they were on time. If they cared about their children’s recital or being on time for a family event, why wouldn’t they make more of an effort? As a spouse you become frustrated beyond measure; believing that this person must not care, or worse yet does not love you.  Why would someone who loves you hurt you and continually disappoint you? Trust is broken when someone promised to be on time and then breaks their promise.
                                                  
If this person has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), there is a good explanation (not excuse) for their continual tardiness.
 
ADHD affects the executive function aspect of the brain, which is the ability to organize thoughts and activities, prioritize tasks, plan, manage time efficiently, pay attention to and remember details and control emotional responses.
 
These are some of the ways the executive function deficits play out in time management for the individual with ADHD:

1. The brain tends to move toward whatever is most interesting at the time so you can get “lost” in the moment, not thinking ahead to that promised time of arrival. It can easily go into “hyper focus” mode that keeps you focused on the current activity rather that looking ahead to where you should be going.
2. When plans are made your ADHD brain thinks more in generalities and not in details. If you are going to a wedding you may remember the time and day but not take into account the time needed to take a shower, polish your shoes and iron your clothes, not to mention rush hour traffic that was not considered. You underestimate the amount of time it takes to get ready.
3. The ADHD brain tends toward procrastination. Until there is a sense of urgency, it is difficult to get started.
4. ADHD tends to make you impatient and so you avoid boredom. Getting anywhere early and having to wait may make you feel bored.
5. Since planning ahead is not one of your strengths, thinking about what needs to be done before you leave doesn’t occur until you begin to feel the stress of being late.

 
The good news is that there are many ways to help yourself. The first one is to recognize the problem and the devastating effects it has on other people. Our smart phones were designed for the ADHD brain! With all the alarms and reminders there is no excuse for you to be late anymore.
 
A counselor who understands ADHD can help you establish new habits and systems that will lead to a more ordered, and peaceful life.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You continue to battle the fog with every additional cup of coffee but it never seems to disappear.

​You flit from one thing to the next, without accomplishing much.  There are missed appointments, lost items, sticky notes everywhere reminding you to do things that you have little motivation to do. Your home is such a disorganized mess that an unexpected visitor would bring panic and shame. Your spouse is constantly upset and irritated that you don’t get anything done while he is away at work. He doesn’t understand that drawing and music are the things that bring you joy so you focus there rather than on the mundane tasks of running a household.  More shame.

There is a nagging sense that you were meant for something more; you have somehow greatly underachieved. You are weary; feeling like a failure. You wonder why others accomplish so much more. All of this leaves you anxious and depressed.
 
You have been seeing a counselor for your depression and anxiety. As you share your symptoms, the counselor wonders if you know anything about ADHD. You identify with the symptoms and the more you read and learn the more you realize that this has been your life.
 
There is an “aha” moment of discovery that feels like such relief.

Finally, you can begin to make sense of your lifelong struggles, shame and guilt. You begin to realize maybe you really aren’t stupid and how your difficulty with focus and organization may have been the cause of your poor grades.  Perhaps that “lazy” label your parents and teachers attached to you really isn’t true as you learn more about how your brain is wired and how it is lacking in those neurotransmitters that are related to focus and motivation.

Maybe this isn’t a moral problem (“you need to try harder and have more discipline”) but a neurological problem. There is great relief in this new way of thinking about yourself. Maybe you are not really a scatterbrain. Perhaps you don’t have to be the person who is always late, always interrupting and talking incessantly. The thought that perhaps you could actually get things done is so wonderful!
 
You try medication and in some miraculous way the fog is lifted. You can think clearly. You have motivation. You have arrived at least to the starting line with everyone else.
 
But there is a sadness, a grief over what could have been. What if I you had understood the ADHD while you were in school, maybe you could have achieved more, gone to college, had a better job?  What would it have been like to accomplish what you intended and to actually plan ahead? Could you have kept those friends who left because you never reciprocated?  What would life have been like if your home was well-organized, your children didn’t have to share in the shame of missed appointments or field trip permission slips not turned in? What books have you missed reading and what have you not learned simply because you didn’t have sustained focus?
 
Perhaps you, the reader can in some way identify with this story. A professional counselor can help. If you have ADHD/ADD medication alone is not enough to make changes. Coaching and counseling together with medication can bring about amazing changes so that the grief can pass and a new life emerge. There is hope for you to be all you were intended to be! 

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

So much is broken in our world. There is injustice, sickness and job loss. Relationships are broken.  We feel isolated, fearful, angry and even despairing. Listening can be a powerful force for healing these problems.
 
Listening well gives us insight into another’s perspective and can change incorrect assumptions that lead to anger. It can make us more aware of how others are being treated or experiencing life and hopefully bring forth greater empathy and compassion. Having someone listen to our pain somehow makes it feel a little better.

Talking about job loss can stimulate new ideas for work or career change. Listening can help those who are lonely. How life-giving it would be if we asked, “what must life be like for …?”, and then were intentional about asking! Having someone help us name our fears and explore them often makes them seem less powerful and more manageable. When they stay inside, they can become more irrational and terrifying.
 
Perhaps you don’t have someone in your life who listens well. A good professional counselor will listen well with the intention to understand.
 
The most powerful listening occurs when we listen to the One who created us. He can change our hearts, bring healing to our broken relationships, and set us free from anger and fear. He can provide direction and turn our despair into hope. The Creator desires to use us to facilitate healing. He had a reason for giving us two ears and one mouth.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Just saw a funny meme that said, “For the second part of this quarantine, do we have to stay with the same family or are they going to relocate us?”

Perhaps some of you have had similar thoughts about your spouse. You wonder how you can make your marriage work so that a second quarantine could be more enjoyable. The quarantine has a way of shining its light on the holes and hurts in your marriage. Problems that have been placed on the back burner when life was busy are now coming to the forefront. The disconnect in your marriage is only adding to your overall anxiety during this pandemic.
 
The quarantine light is revealing lots of new things, many not so good: new views of your spouse at work, maybe working too much or too little. Their messy work space has invaded your peaceful gathering place for dinner. There is an underlying tension and irritability between you and your spouse that goes beyond the current tension of a barking dog or noisy kids during a business call.
 
For those whose work has been deemed “non-essential”, the stress of lost income, fear of not having a job to return to, or the lost hope of reopening a business you have spent years building, all add a new level of stress. You may be fearful, depressed, irritable and anxious; perhaps sleeping too much or too little, eating too much or not enough, wondering if life will ever be the same?
 
But there’s something more going on than the common pandemic stressors.  Just being in your spouse’s presence causes feelings of irritability and sadness. Destructive habits of criticism and withdrawal from each other have become the norm. Apathy has set in. Walls have been erected. What has happened to your early love? Years of neglect, unresolved hurts and unforgiveness cause the heart to grow cold. 
 
What can you do? Is it possible to have this time of quarantine be a life-changer for your marriage? Absolutely!
 
START WITH YOURSELF:
Ask the Lord to show you all the ways you have hurt your spouse. Write them down. Ask Him to help you feel grief for all those hurts. Ask Him to forgive you. Then go to your spouse with your list and ask if there are more ways you have been hurtful. Listen to the hurts. Ask for forgiveness. Encourage your spouse to do the same. Extending grace and forgiveness to each other is key to the healing process.
 
COMMIT TO A NEW START:
Assume the best about each other. Imagine what this time is like for your spouse. Encourage conversation and pour out extra love and patience. It may just return in twofold measure.

Filling up your gas tank lately has been easy on the pocketbook. Filling up your spouse’s love tank will cost you very little and nothing else will yield a higher return of happiness. If you don’t know your spouse’s love language, find out at 5lovelanguages.com. Then, be intentional about expressing love in their love language, even if you don’t feel it at first.
                   
Your marriage may be the one stressor you can control in this crisis, with some humility, forgiveness and effort. A few sessions with a professional counselor may speed the process. Video or phone counseling at this time can be very effective and there is still time before we return to normal. The good news is that your marriage will not just return to the way it was, but can emerge much stronger than ever before.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Many couples remain stuck in the same toxic patterns of interaction, never able to make progress.

Why?
​
Often because there are hurts from the past that have never been communicated, heard, understood and then forgiven. The results are ugly: anger, contempt, partners who are emotionally shut down, hardly able to look at each other, maybe sleeping separately. They cannot move forward until they have taken a few steps backward and for some, years  backward.                        
 
We easily can identify how someone has hurt us. It takes humility and much soul-searching to see and acknowledge how we have hurt someone else. A couple must listen to each other’s hurts, empathize with the hurt, ask questions, listen, ask more questions and reflect until they begin to feel something. Perhaps for the first time, to cry over the pain they have caused. A softening begins, listening improves, and eventually both partners are open to forgive. Tears of joy flow with extending and receiving forgiveness.
 
If the couple are Christ followers, they know they must forgive as the Lord has forgiven them. That’s what love does. We love because He first loved us. We can enter into the wonderful cycle of being loved by our Creator, then loving and forgiving our spouse. We will get stuck again. But if we can articulate the hurt, listen to our spouse’s hurt, then we will be able, by God’s grace, to forgive again and again and again. Perhaps up to something like seventy times seven.

​by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

Forgetting to pick up milk on the way home results in your wife spewing all kinds of nasty words at you when you walk in the door. You wonder what is behind all that anger?
 
Anger is often the easiest emotion to express and can make us feel better for the moment.
 
So, what could be underneath this mask of anger? Fear. Shame. Guilt. Unmet needs. Sadness. Frustration. Disappointment. Worry. Jealousy. Hurt.  Some of those emotions are more difficult to express or even identify. The anger seems to flow so effortlessly.
 
Your wife was really hurting because you had been working so much overtime that you hardly had a minute to talk to her during the week. She was not feeling connected or loved. She feared that the disconnection would only go deeper with your demanding work schedule.
 
So how do you help her understand the angry outburst when she is so flooded with emotion? Realize it wasn’t about the forgotten milk, ask what else might be going on and then take the time to listen.
 
Sometimes anger is more chronic and deeply rooted from past hurts. The anger could be from being bullied or abused as a child or the death of someone close.

You may benefit from the help of a professional counselor who could help you identify the root. Perhaps grieving a loss or forgiving someone who hurt you deeply could bring the freedom you desire from this tyrant called anger.

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

You still have nightmares about that bully who made you feel small.

Maybe you have stuffed the horrible memories down so far that the only thing remaining is an anger that rises to the surface when someone pushes the “you are stupid” or “you are a loser” or any other “you are inferior” button. Anything that someone says or does may trigger those same feelings you had from your interaction with the bully, resulting in an angry outburst.
 
How can you find relief?
 
Talking about it helps you see the truth instead of the lies you may have believed for so many years about yourself. What power did that bully have to define who you are? You did nothing to deserve the treatment you endured. How has believing the lies affected your work, your relationships and your happiness?
 
There is grief work to be done, and professional counseling can help.

​There were losses. If the bullying was prolonged, it stole so much: your sense of safety, your confidence, friendships, the enjoyment of being whatever age you were when it occurred. Once you have seen the truth of what happened, grieved the losses and have seen the effects it has had, there can be freedom in knowing the bully need no longer have any control over your life. He no longer needs to define who you are. You no longer need to explode at the slightest trigger.

​Finally, you can beat the bully!

by Deb Toering, LPC, NCC, BCPCC

Deb Toering is a Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor (BCPCC) in private practice at Trinity Family Counseling Center. In addition to working with a wide range of client populations and presenting issues, Deb is also an engaging public speaker. She has spoken in front of various groups across a range of topics including marriage, bullying, ADHD/ADD, and teen leadership.

It may be puzzling that your teen who has ADD can play video games for hours but has difficulty cleaning his room or getting his homework done. And why is it that his grades are so inconsistent?

It’s not that those with ADD cannot pay attention but rather they attend to those things their brain finds most stimulating. This brain can hyper focus for long periods of time when interested.  A person with ADD can spend hours on creative endeavors, but when it comes to the mundane things of life they struggle and must have something to motivate them, often a deadline or a way to think about the task more creatively.
 
A perfect example of this is a young boy who is asked to go out and wash the family car; not a chore he would normally find interesting. So how does he get the task accomplished? He pulls on his rubber boots, fireman jacket and hat and pretends to put out a fire as he washes the car. He has learned, at a young age, how to make a mundane task interesting and fun enough to get it done!
 
This is one trick, among many that the ADD brain can use to accomplish many of the mundane tasks of life. Playing “beat the clock” with a timer, or setting up a reward system after working at the task for a specified time can help. Finding an ADD counselor/coach who understands your ADD brain is even better!