Do you know what makes conflict so messy?
We are typically at our worst in the midst of it. The Webster definition of conflict is, “a clashing or sharp disagreement (as between ideas, interests, or purposes).” When we clash with someone over ideas or our interests, we typically are frustrated, impatient, upset, and angry. The words that follow those emotions tend to be rude, harsh, escalating and biased to our perspective.
Dr. John Gottman, the famous couple’s psychologist, researched the four most destructive ways we approach conflict in our relationships. He lists criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (shutting down communication) as the four, with contempt being the most toxic. When we speak to our partner with contempt, we act superior to them. We demean them with sarcasm, mocking facial expressions, name calling, etc. It is not pretty.
If we want to experience conflict in a healthier way that leads to resolving our differences respectfully, it requires self-control and being open to learning some new approaches. The different styles to resolving conflict (as identified by Gottman) are Fight to Win, Avoid, Yield and Collaborate. Only the collaborative style will result in clearing the air with both parties feeling heard and understood. Synonyms of the word collaborate are “cooperate” and “unite.” When we approach hurt feelings or a misunderstanding with the intention to cooperate and unite with our loved one as we talk through it, it looks a lot different than contempt. It involves a choice to pause our “rightness” and listen to how the other person sees the situation. It involves hearing their hurt and responding with respect for their feelings and not disdain.
A key component to this is word choice. As we express our needs or frustration, we can use dramatic or escalating words that guarantee a defensive reaction from the other. Even if we resist swearing or name calling, exaggerations like “you NEVER listen” or “you ALWAYS take her side” will distract the listener. Rather than exclaim, “Here you go FUMING again!” It would be less inflammatory to observe, “You seem upset.”
If my husband came to me with a complaint and at the same time stabbed me with a sword, how likely am I to pay attention to or care about his complaint? Not at all! I am focused on the pain and shock of him stabbing me! When we use stabbing, hurtful words, it makes it hard to stay calm, cooperative and in problem solving mode.
So, the next time you want to BASH someone for being a SELFISH JERK, maybe instead you can tell them calmly you feel frustrated with the way they have been treating you. It will allow them to hear you and hopefully stay open to working on resolving the problem.
A relationship counselor at Trinity Family Counseling can help you learn to use words that do not escalate conflict or demean your partner when working to resolve a problem.
