Compare And Despair

by Sherrie Darnell, LLPC, NCC

Sherrie Darnell is one of the newest members of the Trinity Family Counseling Center team. Sherrie’s view of counseling is that it works best as a collaborative effort. She believes each person and situation is unique, and she works to facilitate her clients’ self-exploration to help them uncover the solutions that work for them and their unique strengths. She uses supported strategies and theories, combined with empathy and non-judgmental acceptance, to help you achieve your goals.

I clearly remember when I heard that small but mighty phrase for the first time. It felt abrupt, blunt, overly simplistic… and very, very true. I had been pouring out my struggles to a girlfriend. I was complaining about what I perceived as my myriad shortcomings and wallowing in envy as I lamented all the gifts and talents others had, and I didn’t.
 
My friend listened intently, then looked at me calmly with kind blue eyes and said, matter-of-factly, “compare and despair.”
 
What could I say? She was right. I was comparing myself to others, and it was causing me despair. Simple as that. While it seemed somewhat indelicate and reductionist after my long-winded pity party, it was exactly what I needed. I think I even managed a laugh. We don’t always need to read a book or listen to a podcast. A pithy little rhyme may do just fine.
 
That was years ago now, but that phrase and that moment have stuck with me. I still compare, and I still despair. I sometimes dress up my comparisons in nuanced language hoping to camouflage it; or I don’t share it out loud, but I think it. It’s still the same thing. Often, though, I hear “compare and despair” in my ear, and it helps me stop those unhelpful thoughts.
 
God uses a few more words in Galatians 6:4 to remind us to steer clear of the comparison trap: “Pay careful attention to your own work, for then you will get the satisfaction of a job well done, and you won’t need to compare yourself to anyone else.” (NLT)
 
Our Heavenly Father has uniquely gifted each of us for our own work, and He wants us to focus on that with joy. But this is where things can get complicated. We may have a hard time valuing our gifts. Our parents may have compared us to siblings or others, leaving us feeling less than. We may feel like society values certain things, and we don’t measure up. We have broken self-worth or deep unmet needs, and we require much more than a catchy memory device to avoid comparison. These are painful wounds that need healing.
 
Talking with a professional counselor can be very helpful in defeating this type of negative self-talk. However, also feel free to use the reminder that pops into my head and convicts me every time: “compare and despair!”

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