Relationships are needy. Believe it or not, there are a lot of elements to making a relationship successful. Sometimes they effortlessly come together, but many times they take a lot of work. Whether you are a corporate leader, small team leader, parent on the PTA, homemaker with a small tribe, or siblings trying to make things work, in my estimation effective communication is the most important element to any relationship.
According to the Gottman Institute, there are four traits that can guarantee, with high levels of accuracy, the demise of a relationship. One of the four traits is defensiveness. Defensive responses impede any progress that feedback was intended to create. The good news is with some patience and communication skills we can give a difficult conversation every opportunity to achieve the desired results.
Frontload the conversation. Frontloading is giving the receiver the chance to prepare for something that may be corrective in nature. Don’t forget, we all think we are awesome, and we all think we are bringing our best every day. So, hearing that we fell short will be disappointing. When we know that difficult news is coming it doesn’t feel like a sucker punch as it is delivered. We saw it coming and had a chance to brace for the impact the statement may carry. In frontloading, we can also give the receiver the opportunity to invite the feedback when they are ready for it. Remember, we all have baggage that we tote around from our personal lives. The ability to invite feedback, negative or positive, gives the receiver a sense of control. Here is how we frequently frontload conversations with our children. “I know we are having so much fun at the park, but it is getting late, and we have to eat dinner. How about just ten more minutes, then we have to go.” This gives our little receiver a chance to decompress from whatever was just happening, as well as allowing them to prepare for something they do not desire. This works with big people too! I wonder why we stop using this strategy as people age? Perhaps the need remains but the ensuing tantrum changes form.
Be direct about what you need while avoiding the word YOU. We frequently use nonverbal social controls to convey our displeasure. Perhaps our spouse gets a bit of the silent treatment for forgetting to do dishes. Maybe a colleague is excluded from a meeting. Maybe a teammate is benched for poor field performance. In relationships, nonverbal social controls are avoidant and can lead to confusion and frustration. Successful relationships utilize directness and gentle confrontations. In a gentle confrontation, one is extremely careful not to use the word you which frequently triggers the launch of defensiveness (insert horror screaming here). Gentle, yet direct feedback could be framed in a simple sentence structure you can pull out for nearly every situation and relationship. It sounds like this, “I noticed _____________. What I need is ___________.” Here is how this can be applied in real life! “When you have a second, there is something that has been weighing on my mind, and I would love to get your thoughts on it.” If you observe part one of this exchange is the frontloading, you are comprehending what we are conveying. “I noticed the dishes did not get washed and loaded into the dishwasher. This makes me feel completely overwhelmed when I
come home. I need some help accomplishing this task.” In this example the statement offers personal observations, feelings, and a need without ever using the word you. Remember not to use that word, or any derivative of.
What to do in an emergency. One of the worst demonstrations of feeling criticized and defensive is with an emotional escalation. When conflict reaches the point where we begin to emotionally elevate, we lose the ability to be rational. This is supported by research and brain scans that show the portion of the brain responsible for rational thinking is under stimulated, or turned off during moments of fight or flight activation. And guess what! The portion of the brain responsible for fight or flight is now activated and in control when the yelling begins. The ability to think through a problem or respond appropriately is impossible when the brain transitions to survival mode. We cannot begin to problem solve when the brain is beginning to flood (literally with adrenaline and cortisol) and we must pause the conversation. Typically, we can return to the confrontation after 30 minutes with restored brain functioning, and literally allow “cooler heads to prevail.” This old saying was directly addressing the dumping of hormones released during fight or flight. Any communication will be impeded by emotional flooding. Old fashion timeouts give everyone an opportunity to reset, and proceed with restored brain processes. Ask yourself, does this issue need an immediate fix, or can it wait?
Provide a soft landing place. Preparing a place where people can turn is key to reducing defensiveness and criticism. This soft landing place takes lots of preparation and maintenance. It requires high levels of trust that comes from equal levels of altruism and support. How you deal with negative feedback or conflict will set the stage for how your people will respond to your feedback. Is it OK to disappoint you because you provide a place of forgiveness and understanding? Or are you a grudge holder and ancient history comes alive during conflict? Are you restorative, drawing a line and choosing a clean slate on the other side. Or does processing conflict or negative feedback take an extended period of time. I like to envision soft landing places looking like a dog. Do you want to pet the dog that flops on her back and offers a soft belly? Or the dog whose dander is up, tail is down, and is showing teeth?
Communication is central to all of our relationships and is a seminal part of each day. Frontloading, being direct with observations and needs, allowing for timeouts when flooding, and providing a soft landing place are a few simple communication tactics that will produce results in your relationships. These strategies are versatile, and can be applied to any type of relationship. They take practice, and it may feel like learning a new language. But it is worth learning a language that everyone will be able to hear more clearly.
Holiday
Liza Hinchey
September 30, 2025
